Some women.....grrrr

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Comments

  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #22
    roseann4 said:

    Men!
    Hi Dot,

    As much as we want to blame the other woman (and she certainly is inappropriate and insensitive), men have strong egos to feed. He was thinking of himself and not you which I know is disappointing. I also believe he had no attention of hurting you. I think you handled it beautifully by bringing it to his attention. I would ask that he stay by your side at any future events she attends. That should put a crimp in her plans.

    On a more important note, we as women put much too much emphasis on things we all lose with age. I'm turning 60 this year and still consider myself to be attractive. However age changes beauty, and if I went by normal social prejudges I wouldn't go out of the house. My husband is a handsome man and he travels for business so he has lots of opportunities to be with other women if he chooses. I honestly don't worry about it. If that happened, I would miss him but I would go on with my life. It is very full with lots of people who love me. I believe when men wander it has to do with them their lack of confidence and has little to do with their wives. I read a book once called, "Men Are Just Desert". Anyone can live a healthy happy life without desert even though it is enjoyable when we have it.

    I can see by your picture that you are a lovely woman and I can tell by your posting that you are sensitive and loving. Focus on that. I truly believe that what men are attracted to is our confidence as much as our appearance. Please focus on you and the rest should work out.

    Roseann

    I agree with the others and
    I agree with the others and I also want to say how sorry I am that you had to experience this. It does sound like your husband may be encouraging this and letting it happen. He is the one that you should be blaming as he is your husband. He took the vows and it looks like he might be not living up to them. Praying that it all works out for you. We all have temptations in our lives, but, if we truly love and respect our spouse, we have nothing, and, I mean NOTHING to do with them.
  • CarrWilson
    CarrWilson Member Posts: 111
    #23
    survivorbc09 said:

    I agree with the others and
    I agree with the others and I also want to say how sorry I am that you had to experience this. It does sound like your husband may be encouraging this and letting it happen. He is the one that you should be blaming as he is your husband. He took the vows and it looks like he might be not living up to them. Praying that it all works out for you. We all have temptations in our lives, but, if we truly love and respect our spouse, we have nothing, and, I mean NOTHING to do with them.

    Can I speak for the husband?
    Trust is a fragile tread that is so easily broken.

    That being said, we, (the general we, as in all of us) cannot possibly know what is going on in Dot's husband's mind, or in their marriage. It goes without saying that this other woman is a sick floozy. But have you ever been asked a question and immediately regretted the snap answer?

    Maybe this husband was initially flattered, did not think she would really sit on his lap, and then did not know how to get her off. Maybe he really regrets what happened, and is so sincerely sorry to Dot, but does not know how to make it up to her or express himself. The general we, just don't know. I know I want to be reserved in my judgements, not because I don't have opinions, but I am not personally involved with any of the parties, and just don't know. I am glad Dot chose to confront her husband, she is a beautiful, courageous woman, I know she did not get the answers she immediately wanted, but I hope she will find peace.

    Hopefully, Dot and her husband have had many happy years of marriage, and I hope they have more happy years together and can get past what ever "this" was. I also hope she, (they), choose marriage therapy as this is an emotional time for everyone. Time does heal the physical and emotional wounds.

    (And yes, I have been cheated on by my "ex", and I thought he was a stinking dog!)
    But I am very happy now and totally trust my current husband.)
  • JillyB
    JillyB Member Posts: 50
    #24
    Dot!!
    Hi Dot,
    Although I really don't understand who works for who, ( I think you work with HER husband?), I am not quite sure why you can't confront her. Not attack her, just tell her to leave your man alone. Unless her husbnad is your boss? But that is really not important. Telling her how she affects you most likely woulnd't do a bit of good. So I agree with most of the others, tell your husband how upsetting that experience was for you, to know she has something for him, then to insult you and see her sit on his lap. He absolutley should have stood up so she had no lap to sit on and fell on the floor, but maybe he was taken by surprise. I don't know how your relationship with him is either. Really this is about YOU. And how you feel about you and letting your husband know how you feel about you. Tell him you don't feel that sexy, and maybe you could talk about ways to make you feel that way together....but I absolutely think the last thing you should spend the little energy this b/c mess leaves you with is thinking and getting angry at that sad woman.! But I am sorry you had to go through that...
    hugs,
    jilly
  • Calleen
    Calleen Member Posts: 411
    #25
    JillyB said:

    Dot!!
    Hi Dot,
    Although I really don't understand who works for who, ( I think you work with HER husband?), I am not quite sure why you can't confront her. Not attack her, just tell her to leave your man alone. Unless her husbnad is your boss? But that is really not important. Telling her how she affects you most likely woulnd't do a bit of good. So I agree with most of the others, tell your husband how upsetting that experience was for you, to know she has something for him, then to insult you and see her sit on his lap. He absolutley should have stood up so she had no lap to sit on and fell on the floor, but maybe he was taken by surprise. I don't know how your relationship with him is either. Really this is about YOU. And how you feel about you and letting your husband know how you feel about you. Tell him you don't feel that sexy, and maybe you could talk about ways to make you feel that way together....but I absolutely think the last thing you should spend the little energy this b/c mess leaves you with is thinking and getting angry at that sad woman.! But I am sorry you had to go through that...
    hugs,
    jilly

    I noticed
    you said you cover your self at all costs when your husband is around. Going through this is so hard on our minds and souls that we may forget that our Men may not know what to do. They are wired to fix problems... I was dumped during my battle and it left me feeling very shattered in every way. I too have felt embarressed about how my body may look and don't want that feeling of rejection from a man. We lose our body self esteem. Maybe your husband and you have temporarly lost the special sexual connection you once had. I'm sure he is feeling rejected by you as well as you feeling the rejection by him. His lack of judgement confirmed that he may be missing that special shared connection you used to have before the beast took this away. I hope you allow yourself to look inside at what a beautiful soul you really are. True beauty comes from the inside and as we try and rebuild our self esteem and self confidence it is hard on our partners. The Woman in question does not have half the class you have. Always be proud of yourself.. The beast may have taken your boobies but it hasn't taken your spirit! Stand tall be proud and know you have fought a battle with dignity!!
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #26
    Dot53 said:

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx

    Dot
    As far as how you should handle any future encounters with this "woman", I would treat her with cold politeness and spend as little time in her company as possible. She deserves no energy from you, but you don't want to stoop to her level of impolite behavior.

    The person I think you should talk to again, however, is your husband. Try to do it at a time when you're not feeling too emotional so that you can have the best chance of communicating what you need from him clearly. I think you need to let him know how much HIS behavior hurt you. Regardless of what that woman did, or how much her husband "let" her drink (what - did he pour it down her throat??), it would not have been an issue for you if he had made sure she kept her distance. Let him know that you feel very vulnerable and un-sexy, but you need to know that he loves you anyway. I would also encourage you to talk to him about the things he has done to help you in your journey so far that you're grateful for. Men need to know that they're appreciated, so let him know that you notice the things he may be having to do to help you through this.

    I know that I have had to adjust my expectations of my husband. I knew when I married him that he was honest to a fault, and I like that about him. I've never been one to ask questions like "Does my butt look big in these jeans?" and always knew that if I DID ask him, he would give me an honest answer, and who the hell wants that?!?!? So as I've gone through this and have felt less than pretty or sexy, I've had to bite my tongue not to ask him for the reassurance I sometimes wish I could get from him. He's just not going to be the one to give that to me. I need to give that to myself. I do know that he loves me and wants me to be well. I'm just not going to get sugary phrases out of him. Instead, he tells me that my bald hairstyle makes me look like Zydrunas Iglauskas' sister (basketball player). He thinks he's funny, but there are several times when I just don't laugh these days.

    If you really don't feel sexy and beautiful yourself, have you tried going to one of the Look Good, Feel Better classes? I never made it to one myself, but have heard wonderful things. The point is to feel good about yourself, though, not to do it to please anyone else.

    I really hope that you can work through this issue with your husband. You don't need that emotional turmoil on top of the feelings you have to deal with because of your cancer. You know that your pink sisters always have your back.

    Take care,
    Cindy
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #27
    Calleen said:

    I noticed
    you said you cover your self at all costs when your husband is around. Going through this is so hard on our minds and souls that we may forget that our Men may not know what to do. They are wired to fix problems... I was dumped during my battle and it left me feeling very shattered in every way. I too have felt embarressed about how my body may look and don't want that feeling of rejection from a man. We lose our body self esteem. Maybe your husband and you have temporarly lost the special sexual connection you once had. I'm sure he is feeling rejected by you as well as you feeling the rejection by him. His lack of judgement confirmed that he may be missing that special shared connection you used to have before the beast took this away. I hope you allow yourself to look inside at what a beautiful soul you really are. True beauty comes from the inside and as we try and rebuild our self esteem and self confidence it is hard on our partners. The Woman in question does not have half the class you have. Always be proud of yourself.. The beast may have taken your boobies but it hasn't taken your spirit! Stand tall be proud and know you have fought a battle with dignity!!

    I remember when Christopher
    I remember when Christopher Reeve was paralyzed and his wonderful wife said "you are still you" you are not your breasts. I sometimes feel bad as well. but they had to go, they were literally killing me. I am very proud of myself, it takes alot of courage and strength to make these decisions and fight this cancer. You are not less.
  • Sharon_D
    Sharon_D Member Posts: 55
    #28
    Yeah
    But who did your husband go home with at the end of the day? YOU! That speaks volumes. You must be 100 times the woman she is, so just grin every time you think about it. You're still beautiful to your husband if he loves you.
  • Dot53
    Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
    #29
    Sharon_D said:

    Yeah
    But who did your husband go home with at the end of the day? YOU! That speaks volumes. You must be 100 times the woman she is, so just grin every time you think about it. You're still beautiful to your husband if he loves you.

    Thank you all for your
    Thank you all for your comments and suggestions... you have given me a lot to think about..

    I will let you know what happens the next time I have to see this person.. and yes, I work with her husband.. he sits on my board of directors... lately, I have been wondering what he is thinking about all of this... he can't be very happy about it either.

    Dot
  • SamuraiMom
    SamuraiMom Member Posts: 295
    #30
    Dot53 said:

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx

    Sit on HER husband's lap and
    Sit on HER husband's lap and let's see how SHE feels! JUST KIDDING...I'd put on my best red heels and then avoid her at all costs for future encounters. She's toxic.

    I so know how you feel though. This disease makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself and the people around you.

    The crying will subside over time...it will get better. In the mean time, know you are not alone...ever.
  • Scotch Freckles
    Scotch Freckles Member Posts: 273 Member
    #31
    Dot53 said:

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx

    Dot, you have plenty of time
    Dot, you have plenty of time to come up with a very smart come back in confronting this pitaful gal. For me I would take her out side of the bldg. in confronting her that way it isn't on business time or in the office and let her have it, verbally, on how small a person (woman) she really is. Ask you Dr. about Paxil. I was put on Paxil just before my chemo began because I was having crazy hot flashes since I no longer had ovaries or could take any type of hormone replacements because of the BC. I told the Doc if I didn't get something to stop me from running through the woods butt **** naked on a full moon my husband was going to shoot me, not really. I have been taking Paxil for 8 years now and still enjoy being sane, but miss running through the woods butt **** naked on a full moon. I should try it on the beach now that we live on the coast, but then a full moon means clam digging and I would probably disrupt too many clamers. AHHAHAHHh
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991
    #32
    Dot53 said:

    Thank you all for your
    Thank you all for your comments and suggestions... you have given me a lot to think about..

    I will let you know what happens the next time I have to see this person.. and yes, I work with her husband.. he sits on my board of directors... lately, I have been wondering what he is thinking about all of this... he can't be very happy about it either.

    Dot

    I still hope that you are
    I still hope that you are focusing on your husband. There are 2 people here to blame, not just that woman. Best of luck to you and your marriage.
  • XO143XO
    XO143XO Member Posts: 23
    #33
    Flakey_Flake said:

    Dot - You Deserve Better!
    I agree isthe DebbieM, It takes two to tango, and your hubby owes you an apology big time. She is boviously a very sick woman that would use another's battle for life to build herself up. UGGGH! I can hardly take hearing things like this. I have had boyfriends who weren't much better. It hurts, and it shouldn't be allowed to happen. If he really cares about you he should apologize without being prompted to do so. It was totally wrong, and there is no excuse that could ever make it right. If a man can't get a woman off his lap, he has no legs to stand on. (I like puns ... my illness, lol)

    Beuty isn't physical. I think true beauty is a spiritual thing that some of us learn through the hard times, like battling big beast "C". You have more beauty in you than that floozy could even comprehend. Hold your head high and know where you stand. Doesn't matter who works for who, or belongs to any organization. This is bigger than that stuff. It is a question of who belongs with who, and who is stepping into another's territory.

    I hope you will post the outcome of all this. It is something you ahould not have to bear. You have been through enough, and all of us on this board appreciate what that entails. We are here for you, and will do anything it takes to give you encouragement and support.

    Why are you trying to cover yourself when your husband is around? He is your life-mate, you shouldn't have to cover anything from him. Don't be ashamed of any scars or imperfectons. If he had to go through something he didn't particularily care for, tough noogies dude, you didn't want to go through it either. Tough times should bring people close together, not farther apart.

    So why do you think your husband would have taken the floozy up on her play? Do you trust your husband? I am one of those that doesn't think that there can be love without trust. I hope you will have a hear-to-heart with dear hubby, and let him know where you are at, and discover where he is at.

    ARRGGGH! This whole episode has me so angry at your hubby! You don't deserve that kind of treatment! The last thing you should have to worry about is hubby's fedelity. I want to kick something (okay, I'm on esstrogen blocking drugs, and it is producing a temper in me ... shows up in the darndest places!) If hubby isn't supportive, I promise to send cyber-optimal kick to an optimal place! And what makes you think that this kind of activity has happened before? You obviously have suspicions about this woman. (Geeze - Do I have to allow her into my gender? barf ...)

    Dot - don't know where you are at, but can you hear my GRRRRR? You are beautiful, sister. Don't you ever, ever doubt it. But like the adage goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If hubby cannot see your true beauty - he is a blind man in a blind world. You, on the other hand, are a seeing woman who has the capacity to see beauty in whatever world life puts you in. You have the best gift God can give. Don't waste it. Use it and be even happier than a two-timeing married floozy can make you miserable. You will be in my mind, and hope you will post outcomes. You will also be in my prayers. God is a God of strength and comfort. He will do more for you than any of us ever could. But each to their own. Stay strong Dot. There are far better days to come.

    Sharon (aka flakey flake)

    It Isn't the Other Woman It's Our Partners...
    I truly believe Sharon is on the right track. You mentioned for a reason that you felt your husband would go for it had you not been there. Thank you for sharing something so intimate because I for one have been there, cancer or no cancer. I respect you for sharing and I truly hope your friends here can help you through this because it really sucks! DOT, you are obviously loved here. Hang on to that until you have the strength to set them both straight.

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