Some women.....grrrr

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Dot53
Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I just got back from a business trip with my husband and of course the topic that came up most during conversations with the other women was my recent diagnosis and bilateral mastectomy. One woman in particular is very attractive and so is her husband but she obviously has a big thing for my husband ( I have noticed little things in the past) and while we were discussing my surgery and recovery she actually had the nerve to say that she feels so sorry for my husband and all that he has had to deal with b/c of me... she then got up and walked in the next room where my husband was sitting and sat on his lap!!! I could not believe it...her husband had to come over and pull her off... I have been so upset about this.. I know I don't look the same and try to cover myself at all costs when my husband is around but geez... now, I can't stop thinking that if I weren't around she would make a play for him and he would probably take her up on it. And, worst of all is that I cannot confront her b/c I am an employee and her husband is a member of the organization I work for....
The whole experience has left me feeling like less of a woman and more like a freak...its strange but I didn't feel this way before this happened.
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  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
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    Dot
    That is just horrible!!!

    Have you talked to your husband about how that made you feel? Even if you can't do anything about her behavior, which is so bad I can't even put words to it, you should hopefully be able to get reassurance from your husband that he would not disrespect you by taking her up on any offer she might make.

    While it's true that this is also hard on him, it is much harder on you and you neet to work together to get through this battle.

    You ARE a beautiful woman, and I hope that you don't let some floozy make you feel any less so just because she has no consideration for others.

    HUGZ,
    Cindy
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
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    Dot
    That is just horrible!!!

    Have you talked to your husband about how that made you feel? Even if you can't do anything about her behavior, which is so bad I can't even put words to it, you should hopefully be able to get reassurance from your husband that he would not disrespect you by taking her up on any offer she might make.

    While it's true that this is also hard on him, it is much harder on you and you neet to work together to get through this battle.

    You ARE a beautiful woman, and I hope that you don't let some floozy make you feel any less so just because she has no consideration for others.

    HUGZ,
    Cindy

    I am sorry this happened.
    I am sorry this happened. But, I think the number one person and thing you should do, is talk to your husband. He NEVER should have allowed her to sit on his lap. And, if she did, to remove her instantly. He needs to understand how it made you feel, let alone it just isn't acceptable behavior for a husband and wife. If my husband allowed that, I would knock him silly. Ok, I really wouldn't, but, he would certainly hear the wrath of a woman from me, for a LONG time. I realize our spouses have gone thru bc too, but, we actually had to GO thru it! One of the most important things a couple can have is respect for each other, and, your husband disrespected you by letting her sit on his lap. Obviously, the other woman's hubby pays her no attention, so, she seeks it elsewhere. Talk to your hubby, what he let her do just isn't right! So, rather than just blame the stupid woman, your hubby deserves half of the blame too.

    Hugs, Leeza
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
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    I'm so sorry
    I'm so sorry you had to go through that awful experience. As everyone else said, talk to you husband and tell him how the experience made him feel. He shouldn't have let it happen, but he may have been just as shocked and taken aback as you were.
    Please don't think of yourself as less of a woman. All of us who've been through this are probably "more of a woman" than anyone can imagine.
    That woman isn't even worth the energy you've already expended on her. You're so much better than her. Just keep up the fight.
  • SamuraiMom
    SamuraiMom Member Posts: 295
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    You Rock
    You are the same person you were before but better! On top of all the incredible things you were before breast cancer so rudely interrupted your life, you are now, on top of it all- a survivor! This woman clearly thinks so lowly of herself that she must prey on other women's husbands. Obviously the "free" market hasn't given her any luck. Forget the breast cancer part of all of this-she's an idiot. YOU are the queen!
    (and everyone's right, talk to your hubby-he's still here-he loves you.)
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950
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    well Dot the woman is
    well Dot the woman is obviously twisted...knowing what you've been through to deliberately try to stick it to you that way was SICK.....I hope your hubby gets that and is as disgusted by her actions as we all are.....
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
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    dyaneb123 said:

    well Dot the woman is
    well Dot the woman is obviously twisted...knowing what you've been through to deliberately try to stick it to you that way was SICK.....I hope your hubby gets that and is as disgusted by her actions as we all are.....

    She is not worth thinking
    She is not worth thinking about. Talk this over with your husband. tell him how this made you feel. Remember it was not him it was her.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
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    Kat11 said:

    She is not worth thinking
    She is not worth thinking about. Talk this over with your husband. tell him how this made you feel. Remember it was not him it was her.

    Wow i am really mad!!! what
    Wow i am really mad!!! what a horrible woman. I agree speak to your hubby. You are not less of a woman you are a courageous cancer warrior and survivor. I am sorry you had to deal with this!!!!
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
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    Sounds like the other
    Sounds like the other woman's husband will take care of her. Don't feel you are a freak, you aren't.
  • elm3544
    elm3544 Member Posts: 748
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    I'm so sorry this happened
    I'm so sorry this happened to you! I had a similar experience with a woman hanging all over my husband at a party. My hair was only about an inch long and I felt so ugly...
    I later found out the woman was there with a married man, too! Some people just have no respect for others and no self respect, either!
    I hope your husband has told you that you are a beautiful woman and you have nothing to worry about!
  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
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    Marcia527 said:

    Sounds like the other
    Sounds like the other woman's husband will take care of her. Don't feel you are a freak, you aren't.

    pretty is as pretty does
    She's not as you say "very attractive." Attractive behaves better than that. Can you imagine a marriage where her husband has to come pull her off of another man's lap???

    She's yukky and she's got issues, and the world is filled with people like her. You have more strength and courage in your little toe than she has in her whole being.

    Talk to your husband. You will feel better soon.

    You rock.

    Victoria
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
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    elm3544 said:

    I'm so sorry this happened
    I'm so sorry this happened to you! I had a similar experience with a woman hanging all over my husband at a party. My hair was only about an inch long and I felt so ugly...
    I later found out the woman was there with a married man, too! Some people just have no respect for others and no self respect, either!
    I hope your husband has told you that you are a beautiful woman and you have nothing to worry about!

    Don't let anyone make you
    Don't let anyone make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong and you have fought the worst disease ever! From your picture, you are very beautiful, so, remember that.

    I agree with the others, don't waste any anger on the woman who obviously needs attention from anyone. Focus on talking to your husband. The way I feel is that even when a man has an affair, everyone is so quick to jump on the "other" woman. But, it takes two to tango. If he allowed her to sit on his lap even for one second, then he needs to explain himself and to apologize to you. Have a heart to heart with him.

    Good luck!
  • Flakey_Flake
    Flakey_Flake Member Posts: 130
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    Dot - You Deserve Better!
    I agree isthe DebbieM, It takes two to tango, and your hubby owes you an apology big time. She is boviously a very sick woman that would use another's battle for life to build herself up. UGGGH! I can hardly take hearing things like this. I have had boyfriends who weren't much better. It hurts, and it shouldn't be allowed to happen. If he really cares about you he should apologize without being prompted to do so. It was totally wrong, and there is no excuse that could ever make it right. If a man can't get a woman off his lap, he has no legs to stand on. (I like puns ... my illness, lol)

    Beuty isn't physical. I think true beauty is a spiritual thing that some of us learn through the hard times, like battling big beast "C". You have more beauty in you than that floozy could even comprehend. Hold your head high and know where you stand. Doesn't matter who works for who, or belongs to any organization. This is bigger than that stuff. It is a question of who belongs with who, and who is stepping into another's territory.

    I hope you will post the outcome of all this. It is something you ahould not have to bear. You have been through enough, and all of us on this board appreciate what that entails. We are here for you, and will do anything it takes to give you encouragement and support.

    Why are you trying to cover yourself when your husband is around? He is your life-mate, you shouldn't have to cover anything from him. Don't be ashamed of any scars or imperfectons. If he had to go through something he didn't particularily care for, tough noogies dude, you didn't want to go through it either. Tough times should bring people close together, not farther apart.

    So why do you think your husband would have taken the floozy up on her play? Do you trust your husband? I am one of those that doesn't think that there can be love without trust. I hope you will have a hear-to-heart with dear hubby, and let him know where you are at, and discover where he is at.

    ARRGGGH! This whole episode has me so angry at your hubby! You don't deserve that kind of treatment! The last thing you should have to worry about is hubby's fedelity. I want to kick something (okay, I'm on esstrogen blocking drugs, and it is producing a temper in me ... shows up in the darndest places!) If hubby isn't supportive, I promise to send cyber-optimal kick to an optimal place! And what makes you think that this kind of activity has happened before? You obviously have suspicions about this woman. (Geeze - Do I have to allow her into my gender? barf ...)

    Dot - don't know where you are at, but can you hear my GRRRRR? You are beautiful, sister. Don't you ever, ever doubt it. But like the adage goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If hubby cannot see your true beauty - he is a blind man in a blind world. You, on the other hand, are a seeing woman who has the capacity to see beauty in whatever world life puts you in. You have the best gift God can give. Don't waste it. Use it and be even happier than a two-timeing married floozy can make you miserable. You will be in my mind, and hope you will post outcomes. You will also be in my prayers. God is a God of strength and comfort. He will do more for you than any of us ever could. But each to their own. Stay strong Dot. There are far better days to come.

    Sharon (aka flakey flake)
  • pinkkari09
    pinkkari09 Member Posts: 877
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    Dot, you are a beautiful
    Dot, you are a beautiful woman and on top of that, we are warriors!! Its hard on us that life goes on while we battle this beast and it seems as though things hurt a bit more when we have been "chemo'ed up, cut up, and radiated" However, because of it, we are that much stronger, and there for you need to get out your sword and make it clear that you won't accept this type of behavior. Your husband should not have let her sit on his lap, and she is WAY out of line by doing this and saying hurtful things to you, but remember, there are all kinds out there. In the midst of my battle (still battling, just finished rads) my husband tried getting his first ex to sleep with him and was successful at getting the second one to sleep with him, just about a month ago,I moved out into my own apartment, in the middle of my battle. We are still women, we are still strong, and we don't deserve to be walked on!! Sounds like a good talk with the hubby would be a good place to start. Hang in there sister!!
    Big Hugs,
    ~Kari
  • Dot53
    Dot53 Member Posts: 239 Member
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    Dot, you are a beautiful
    Dot, you are a beautiful woman and on top of that, we are warriors!! Its hard on us that life goes on while we battle this beast and it seems as though things hurt a bit more when we have been "chemo'ed up, cut up, and radiated" However, because of it, we are that much stronger, and there for you need to get out your sword and make it clear that you won't accept this type of behavior. Your husband should not have let her sit on his lap, and she is WAY out of line by doing this and saying hurtful things to you, but remember, there are all kinds out there. In the midst of my battle (still battling, just finished rads) my husband tried getting his first ex to sleep with him and was successful at getting the second one to sleep with him, just about a month ago,I moved out into my own apartment, in the middle of my battle. We are still women, we are still strong, and we don't deserve to be walked on!! Sounds like a good talk with the hubby would be a good place to start. Hang in there sister!!
    Big Hugs,
    ~Kari

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
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    Men!
    Hi Dot,

    As much as we want to blame the other woman (and she certainly is inappropriate and insensitive), men have strong egos to feed. He was thinking of himself and not you which I know is disappointing. I also believe he had no attention of hurting you. I think you handled it beautifully by bringing it to his attention. I would ask that he stay by your side at any future events she attends. That should put a crimp in her plans.

    On a more important note, we as women put much too much emphasis on things we all lose with age. I'm turning 60 this year and still consider myself to be attractive. However age changes beauty, and if I went by normal social prejudges I wouldn't go out of the house. My husband is a handsome man and he travels for business so he has lots of opportunities to be with other women if he chooses. I honestly don't worry about it. If that happened, I would miss him but I would go on with my life. It is very full with lots of people who love me. I believe when men wander it has to do with them their lack of confidence and has little to do with their wives. I read a book once called, "Men Are Just Desert". Anyone can live a healthy happy life without desert even though it is enjoyable when we have it.

    I can see by your picture that you are a lovely woman and I can tell by your posting that you are sensitive and loving. Focus on that. I truly believe that what men are attracted to is our confidence as much as our appearance. Please focus on you and the rest should work out.

    Roseann
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
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    roseann4 said:

    Men!
    Hi Dot,

    As much as we want to blame the other woman (and she certainly is inappropriate and insensitive), men have strong egos to feed. He was thinking of himself and not you which I know is disappointing. I also believe he had no attention of hurting you. I think you handled it beautifully by bringing it to his attention. I would ask that he stay by your side at any future events she attends. That should put a crimp in her plans.

    On a more important note, we as women put much too much emphasis on things we all lose with age. I'm turning 60 this year and still consider myself to be attractive. However age changes beauty, and if I went by normal social prejudges I wouldn't go out of the house. My husband is a handsome man and he travels for business so he has lots of opportunities to be with other women if he chooses. I honestly don't worry about it. If that happened, I would miss him but I would go on with my life. It is very full with lots of people who love me. I believe when men wander it has to do with them their lack of confidence and has little to do with their wives. I read a book once called, "Men Are Just Desert". Anyone can live a healthy happy life without desert even though it is enjoyable when we have it.

    I can see by your picture that you are a lovely woman and I can tell by your posting that you are sensitive and loving. Focus on that. I truly believe that what men are attracted to is our confidence as much as our appearance. Please focus on you and the rest should work out.

    Roseann

    I will never forget 3 Women as Long as I live...
    All one has to do is remember some of the most beautful women in the world have had to battle the big C. I will never forget 14 years ago as I was going through the fight there was a celebrity and her name was Linda McCartney and she died from her own disease. All the money in the world, all of her healthy lifestyles couldn't save her...
    The second one was a woman who did a biography documentry because she was the woman from the Belles an English duo I think that sang my favorite song when I was in my early teens. I layed on my couch sicker than a dog and she was telling her life story. As I watched her one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen still not realizing the Belle connection she had battled breast cancer 4 times. She was the Head of the Cancer Association in my area in Vancouver BC and her story touched me like I had never been touched. 3 or 4 years later I spoke at a Living Well With Cancer conference and I had the thrill of my life I got to meet her because she was attending the conference, she didn't speak. I noticed something about her that she had not had reconstruction and she wore very dark colours and she was the most beautiful woman probably still the same woman she ever was.
    The third woman I will never forget was Oprah and she was had been a model and lost her body to cancer. It touched me incredible to hear this beautiful woman say that she never felt more like a woman than she did right this very moment in time. It was like she was finally in touch with her soul and there was nothing like it no beauty product, or high life could do it...
    Beauty is not in how we look.
    My God reading the stories above one realizes how many of us struggle in our relationships when the battle of cancer should be enough...
    Wow incredible strength and courage in you all and that is the beauty of a woman.
    Tara
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
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    Dot53 said:

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx

    Of course, it's never the MAN's fault....
    This REALLY burns my cookies!!!! How tacky are all the players in this scene (except you, of course...you are the blameless victim)!

    Your hubby needs to be a bit more sensitive to your feelings...and STOP being a JERK...

    There is NEVER an excuse for hitting up on someone else's mate...and considering all you have been thru...BIG shame on this hussy!!!!! Drunk or not...and obviously SHE has no conscience!!!

    But, my mantra is always 'no one can make me feel bad, unless I let them'. Now, I'm an old lady of 54, and have a very positive self image, and would have no trouble living alone...so it's a bit different for me. BUT you have fought a VERY tough battle, and have SURVIVED!!!! This little tart would never be able to be this strong...obviously, she needs to troll for other people's hubbys, because they are 'safe'. I've seen the type many times.

    As far as 'dealing' with her in the future...rise above it! Avoid, if possible. And, if the subject should come up, I would say "Yeah, you sure were drunk and out of it then...I figured you must be really bothered by something to drink so much that you would embarass yourself in such a way. All I felt was sorry for you(pity ALWAYS frys this type of woman!). So don't think another thing about it. I hope that you have resolved what the problem was." (Make sure you have a witness when you do this...she will probably try to turn this around to a negative if you don't have another pair of ears that hear it at the same time...but don't do it in front of someone that would embarass her too much...she will seek revenge, if you do).

    Hugs to a VERY beautiful lady!!!

    Kathi
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
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    Dot53 said:

    Thank you my pink sisters for supporting me...
    I don't have sisters of my own anymore so I knew that I could come here to vent and you would support and understand me.. I took your advice and told my husband that I saw what she did and asked why he didn't tell her to get off... he said that she asked him if she could sit on his lap... I asked what his response was and he said he couldn't remember... not sure I believe that.....

    Anyway, the end result was that he said it was her husbands fault for allowing her to drink too much.. (unbelieveable I know). My response was.."I have had to much on a few occasions but would never do a thing like that to you or to another woman"... he thought I was making too much out of the whole thing..I thought maybe he was right until I read your responses this morning..

    On the plus side he did apologize and told me that me that he loved me for me.. but to be honest.. now I will always wonder if this damn cancer has changed that.. I too am on hormone blockers and feel very emotional all time so I can't seem to stop this darn crying everytime I think about it...

    I wish I could say that I will never have to see this woman again but I will have to deal with her at future work functions.. any advice on how I should handle it?

    Thank you all so much...
    Dotxx

    When you see her at
    When you see her at functions be a lady, be sure of yourself, and try not to stoop to negative comments. She has her own set of problems she will have to deal with. If you think your husband is not being honest maybe marriage counseling would help. I know the hormones aren't helping but when in doubt think about Kennedy's wife. She had so much class. Can't think of her first name...Jacqueline-had to google it. In life we have choices to make. Make one that in future years you will look back and know you made the right one. This is just my opinion. Who am I anyway. Do what you think is best.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
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    Marcia527 said:

    When you see her at
    When you see her at functions be a lady, be sure of yourself, and try not to stoop to negative comments. She has her own set of problems she will have to deal with. If you think your husband is not being honest maybe marriage counseling would help. I know the hormones aren't helping but when in doubt think about Kennedy's wife. She had so much class. Can't think of her first name...Jacqueline-had to google it. In life we have choices to make. Make one that in future years you will look back and know you made the right one. This is just my opinion. Who am I anyway. Do what you think is best.

    You are right, Marcia....
    Sorry, my response was after just dealing with my beau's ex...SHE is the Epitomy of the woman I characterized....and wants her hubby back!

    I agree with Marcia...take the high road...be proud of yourself...you have a lot to be proud of, and she needs to deal with whatever issues she has....

    Hugs from a chastened Kathi
  • DianeBC
    DianeBC Member Posts: 3,881 Member
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    24242 said:

    I will never forget 3 Women as Long as I live...
    All one has to do is remember some of the most beautful women in the world have had to battle the big C. I will never forget 14 years ago as I was going through the fight there was a celebrity and her name was Linda McCartney and she died from her own disease. All the money in the world, all of her healthy lifestyles couldn't save her...
    The second one was a woman who did a biography documentry because she was the woman from the Belles an English duo I think that sang my favorite song when I was in my early teens. I layed on my couch sicker than a dog and she was telling her life story. As I watched her one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen still not realizing the Belle connection she had battled breast cancer 4 times. She was the Head of the Cancer Association in my area in Vancouver BC and her story touched me like I had never been touched. 3 or 4 years later I spoke at a Living Well With Cancer conference and I had the thrill of my life I got to meet her because she was attending the conference, she didn't speak. I noticed something about her that she had not had reconstruction and she wore very dark colours and she was the most beautiful woman probably still the same woman she ever was.
    The third woman I will never forget was Oprah and she was had been a model and lost her body to cancer. It touched me incredible to hear this beautiful woman say that she never felt more like a woman than she did right this very moment in time. It was like she was finally in touch with her soul and there was nothing like it no beauty product, or high life could do it...
    Beauty is not in how we look.
    My God reading the stories above one realizes how many of us struggle in our relationships when the battle of cancer should be enough...
    Wow incredible strength and courage in you all and that is the beauty of a woman.
    Tara

    Well
    I think your focus should be on your husband, not that woman. If anything, feel sorry for her that she has to make a fool of herself to gain attention. Like someone posted, it takes TWO to tango, so, your husband is just as guilty. He said she asked if she could sit on his lap and he couldn't remember his reply. Um, his reply should have been NO without a second of hesitation. I am sorry Dot, but, it seems your husband needs to step up to the plate here. No woman will flirt or do anything with another man or another woman's husband unless they are encouraged or allowed to. Noone likes rejection and if a man/husband rejects a woman's flirting and advances, they will move on, not continue. I really think the blame lays with your husband. He is the one you should worry about. Sorry