trying to cope with losing Mom

Oh, sweetheart, I have no idea what you are going thru but my heart goes out to you! Losing a loved one, especially your mother has to be devasting. Please come in CSN chat room, there are many people who can help, listen, make you laugh, make you cry. They have helped me. Again, my deepest sympathy for your lost.

Hi. I just lost my dad to adrenocortical cancer 8 days ago, on Oct 4. He was 50 years old and he and my mom had just celebrated 28 years at the end of August. I am 24 and my sister is 22. I understand the devastation you experienced when you lost your mom. My family has always been very close-knit. My dad was my hero my whole life and I'm still completely numb over losing him. He was diagnosed with a tumor on July 7, cancer on August 6 after/during surgery, and 8 weeks later was gone. Prior to surgery he was a seemingly perfectly healthy guy who spent every free moment on his horses or his motorcycle. His speedy decline left all our heads spinning. I guess the stuff that's made it easier to deal with is being able to spend a lot of time with the horses. That was something we did together, so being with them now is my way of still connecting with my dad. Every time I walk into the stables I feel my dad with me. My dad's best friend told me the day my dad died that it would help me to find a place I could go to reconnect with my dad. The barn does that for me and even though it's only been 8 days, I'm doing much better than I ever expected. I think it's important to give yourself lots of opportunities to 'feel' your loved one rather than focus on the fact that you will never see them again.

Don't get me wrong, every time I think of my dad's last months I am infuriated. The cancer he had is a 1 in 2,000,000 deal. The American Cancer Society does not even fund research for it. When I think about how miserable he was at the end and the fact that he had to suffer at all, I just have to make my mind go somewhere else. Maybe it's an avoidance technique, but it's working for me right now. My dad wouldn't have wanted me to be continuously sad. We shed enough tears together while he was dying.

What you said about your life being different now... I only have 8 days experience with that, but you're so right. Things will never be the same. I'm getting a taste of that. My mom is actually talking about going out of state for Christmas and Thanksgiving...something we've never contemplated since almost our entire family lives in the same area.

I know I'm probably giving you more info than you wanted, but I just want you to know you are not alone in your coping. Also, I'm on this board to find people my age who are dealing with the loss of a parent. I hope I haven't bored you too much. Peace, Jenny.

I never want to tell anyone that I understand what they're going through because everyone's circumstances are different, so I'll just say I can relate. I'm 25 and I lost my mom 6 months ago to osteosarcoma. It was just around this time last year that she was diagnosed. Yes it has thrown my life so out of whack. I don't like to show my family my emotion either for the same reason as you (i think we all don't). I've just been taking it day by day. I think that's the best we can do. Sometimes I wonder when the day will come when I feel better, but I guess that's not for me to know right now. Just don't avoid living your life. Take the time you need to heal. That's all the advice I know so far. I'm still new too.

abrzez said:

I can completely sympathize with you on losing a mother. And I know how it is to feel alone. My mom and my best friend, my confidante, contracted leukemia in the summer before my sophomore year of high school. She fought 3 hard months, but in the end, even my eloquent, strong mother couldn't defeat the disease. It was horrible, too, every single day that I watched her in her diminishing state. When a writer/editor can't form a sentence or make sense, you know something is terribly wrong. In the last week or so of her life, she was on life support in the ICU, on a breathing tube, which I think was one of the most horrifying things I've ever seen, but by far, the last 45 minutes of her life, when they finally took her off life support are the images that are forever burned in my memory, and haunt me to this day.
I was only 15 when she passed away. 2 years later - I'm 17 now, a senior in high school, I'm applying to colleges, and graduating in this coming year, all without her.
And to top it all off, my dad, who I've never really had a real relationship with and this crisis hasn't changed that fact, is getting remarried at the end of this year. I'm pretty much on my own, and the whole thing has just been such a strain on me emotionally.
Anyone else out there that would want to chat?

So sorry for your loss
I am a dying mom and I just wanted to give you a mom's perspective. We have a beautiful baby, we thank God for him or her or them and then, we spend every moment of the rest of lives trying to show you all of the love that we feel for you in our hearts. So, we find routines that soothe you, say words that are meant only for you and hope when we have to leave you that some of the love and care that we have given you will get you through the hard parts. I have told my children that they are a part of me and I am a part of them and we will never really be apart; I know that your mom wants you to remember her deep, unending love for you. You're the reason she got up so many mornings, you're the reason she felt so blessed, you're the reason she existed, in her mind and heart. Try to remember her smile, her laugh, that special time you had together; those were the best gifts she could give you! I know, because I have to say goodbye to my kids and all that I have to give of real importance is my love, our memories and I will then watch over them everyday until I can see them again.Don't doubt that she is watching over you right now, as proud of you as she's ever been!! Love like that does not ever end and remember when she told you that she would always love you, she meant it- that is eternal.
So much love and care to you,
Hollyberry

hollyberry said:

So sorry for your loss
I am a dying mom and I just wanted to give you a mom's perspective. We have a beautiful baby, we thank God for him or her or them and then, we spend every moment of the rest of lives trying to show you all of the love that we feel for you in our hearts. So, we find routines that soothe you, say words that are meant only for you and hope when we have to leave you that some of the love and care that we have given you will get you through the hard parts. I have told my children that they are a part of me and I am a part of them and we will never really be apart; I know that your mom wants you to remember her deep, unending love for you. You're the reason she got up so many mornings, you're the reason she felt so blessed, you're the reason she existed, in her mind and heart. Try to remember her smile, her laugh, that special time you had together; those were the best gifts she could give you! I know, because I have to say goodbye to my kids and all that I have to give of real importance is my love, our memories and I will then watch over them everyday until I can see them again.Don't doubt that she is watching over you right now, as proud of you as she's ever been!! Love like that does not ever end and remember when she told you that she would always love you, she meant it- that is eternal.
So much love and care to you,
Hollyberry

your words are so inspirational hollyberry
I am 22 years old and I just lost my mom on January 2nd, 2009 from Leukemia. Her whole life revolved around ACS and Relay for Life. She was my absolute best friend and my whole world. Reading your post reminds me that even though I watched my mom die, she watched us watch her die. I can't imagine how hard it is to have to leave your family. She's had cancer for 15 years and passed just 11 days after her 41st birthday. Your family is in my prayers and miracles CAN happen! GOD BLESS and I know your post was a reply to the other post, but it hit me really hard. I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and I couldn't imagine having to say goodbye. Thank you so much for your words. They REALLY helped!

kara&carsonsmommy

I lost my mom last July of 2009, so it is still very raw to me. I took care of my mom for two years before she went off to heaven and I am currently only 17. I was 14 when my mom was diagnosed and she passed away two weeks before my sevententh birthday. Her cancer came from an unknown source, which gives me zero closure. What hurts the most was getting so close to her only to lose her. Like you, I feel very alone because I am the type of person to not bring anyone down with my own feelings. I am so sorry that we have such an awful thing in common, but it's what gets us through our hard days. Hope you are doing well.

hollyberry said:

So sorry for your loss
I am a dying mom and I just wanted to give you a mom's perspective. We have a beautiful baby, we thank God for him or her or them and then, we spend every moment of the rest of lives trying to show you all of the love that we feel for you in our hearts. So, we find routines that soothe you, say words that are meant only for you and hope when we have to leave you that some of the love and care that we have given you will get you through the hard parts. I have told my children that they are a part of me and I am a part of them and we will never really be apart; I know that your mom wants you to remember her deep, unending love for you. You're the reason she got up so many mornings, you're the reason she felt so blessed, you're the reason she existed, in her mind and heart. Try to remember her smile, her laugh, that special time you had together; those were the best gifts she could give you! I know, because I have to say goodbye to my kids and all that I have to give of real importance is my love, our memories and I will then watch over them everyday until I can see them again.Don't doubt that she is watching over you right now, as proud of you as she's ever been!! Love like that does not ever end and remember when she told you that she would always love you, she meant it- that is eternal.
So much love and care to you,
Hollyberry

thank you for your words
thank you for your words thank you for taking time our of your life to help those who have lost mothers/fathers already. I do not know you, but your words remind me of something my mother would say. She has been gone only 3 months and you just blessed me in a way words cannot express. God bless you and I will pray for you and your family. God does not make mistakes and that is what I am trying to remember. For you to take time out to help others in pain is one of the most caring things a person can do for one another. May God bless you and your family.

ilovemymum said:

How to cope with losing your mum?
On the 25th march 2010, my life ended, the most important person in my life lost her battle with breast cancer and was taken with the angels, my mum, ages 37 and im 15, we are best friends, there is no one that could ever compare to my mum, i dont think the reality has hit yet, i actually had a pain in my heart when i saw her take her last breathe, right at that moment i wanted to kill myself, my heart has been ripped out, and will never be replaced. i miss my mum so unbelievably much, words cannot even describe it and i honestly cant think how im going to live my whole life without her, we had so many plans for the future, and my beautiful angel was so excited to see me get married one day, to meet her grand children, to plan my sweet 16 with me next year, to go on holidays together, and do absolutely everything together, i also have a brother aged 16 who was extrememly close to my mum, he hides a lot but i can see in his eyes that he is heart broken. it was only ever us three against the world, weve always done everything together and got on with things no matter how hard it can be. my mum had extremely aggressive breast cancer which ended up spreading near enough everywhere, lungs, back, stomach, bones, blood. The cancer had returned into my mums breast twice and once her breast were removed it then returned for the third time in less than a year but the last time was on her breast bone instead, my mum only had cancer for 10 months and sadly she lost her battle, her funeral is tuesday 13th april, i am dreading it, because i know thats the closing point, i can never ever see my mum again until i die and meet her again which i cant wait for.At the moment i have been feeling a lot of peace and i ask my mum for signs and she sends me them so i know she is okay. Im just worried that all of a sudden it will hit me hard. Mum you will always be my bestest friend, soul mate and the bestest mum ever! i love you soo much words were never able to describe. rest in peace my angel xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
+ sorry to hear about all of your losses:(

Sympathy
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It is hard to lose a parent at any age. I can only imagine the heartache you feel at your age. Please, remember that wherever you are your mother will be there, too. You are her legacy, and I am sure that she is very proud of you. It is important to grieve and grief is very hard to work through. You will especially feel it on special days. One friend of mi e said wouldn't it be sad I'd we lost someone we loved and didn't hurt. Hurting is unfortunately a part of losing someone we love. Now you need to move forward. It won't be easy, but that is what our mother would want. It won't be easy, but your mother raised a strong young women. Hold tight to your brother, and keep your mom alive in your heart. Fay

Coping
My mom passed away about 2 months ago. She had lung cancer. She was diagnosed on 12/29/2009 and died on 7/16/2010. She was 65 years old. My best friend.. one of the strongest, most caring & genuine women I have ever had the honor of knowing. She was married to my father for 42 years. My brother is 41, my sister, 40, and I am 26. What started out with shortness of breath turned into several masses in her right lung. She completed 6 chemo treatments.. lost her hair, her appetite.. We had hope in March, her masses were shrinking.. but in June we were told the cancer had built up a resistance to the chemo, and the masses remained. She went through 2 radio-isotope injections. On Friday, July 9th, she was taken to the ER with severe stomach pain. She had a ruptured bowel.. and the cancer had spread throughout. I live about 4 hours across the state from my family, and my dad called me to tell me to come home immediately as we were being prepared to make my mom as comfortable as possible. I sat in the hospital all week. I watched her go from awake & alert & talking & laughing to asleep & gurgling. Hospice can tell you what to prepare for.. but you're never prepared. The one night I left the hospital to sleep at my sister-in-laws, Friday, July 16th, she passed away. Not even 30 minutes after I had left. I miss her everyday. I cry everyday. I feel like a zombie walking around at work and at home. All of the things I do feel meaningless. I have such a hollowness inside of me. I'm getting married in a year.. and I have to do it without her. I feel so much resentment because my brother & sister got so much more of her than I did. She was just the nicest person. So good to everyone, especially the needy. She genuinely cared for so many people. I have good days & bad days. I, like alot of other people on here, shelter my feelings from my family so I don't make them more upset. My sister & I really kind of lean on each other. When one of us is having a bad day, we go to each other because we don't want to upset Dad. Reading discussion boards like this gives me a little comfort because I know I am not alone in what I have been through and what I am feeling. I really want to believe that with time this will get easier and I will be able to remember her before the cancer, before the hospital gowns, before all the medication... I want to remember her for who she was, not what she died of.
Caring Bridge is a great way to honor a lost loved one - www.caringbridge.org - I had a website up for my Mom so I could keep everyone updated on her health easily. Since she passed, I have made it into a tribute page for people to view & look at pictures of her, leave stories & memories about her in her guestbook, etc. I cry when I look at it.. but it does remind me just how beautiful she truly was. Inside & out. No cancer can every destroy that.

Finding a thought just one
I lost my mother on 01-01-11, like Swalsh she was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer after the gall bladder was removed. Diagnosed in July 2010, up and down, no cancer then cancer, lympnodes, metasticised, 2 hospitals, chemo, port. A month from thier 35th anniverssary. I watched her the same as you, I went home three times in that period from Chicago to Texas, spending weeks at a time. She was the beacon of all of her five boys lives and the nighmare lingured. The worst part was the end, I made it by her side to talk with her one last time. Death I have seen plenty of, nothing prepares you for losing someone so treasured and close. I can feel eveyones pain in the softest parts of my hardened heart. Today was the first time I dreamed of her, while having a nap, I dreamed of her beautiful face as if she was here. I was talking to her, knowing she died, and she was picking fun at me, everyone in my dream (dad, brothers, wife) were asking me what's wrong and I screamed I don't want her to die and she laughed saying she wasn't.....I get up eyes full of tears, walk to the computer and google my mom died, up comes your post, I am greatful for yours and the others but especially the one written from hollyberry, the mother who was dying of cancer who gave us all the gift of a Mothers perspective, sounded like something my mom would say, what a selfless blessing...