trying to cope with losing Mom

lulu1103

tbcylh said:

Life became meaningless
My mum left me 4 months ago. Till now I still cant believe she's not around anymore. I wanted so much to join her but my religion tells me I might go to hell and if that's the case I still wont get to see her.

Her CA was discovered 7 years ago, and she remained CA free till Feb 2011. But her quality of life was good till Feb 2012 when the cells spread to her brain. No words can ever justify the pain I felt when I saw her lying on the hospital bed, in such great discomfort, and there's nothing I can do except to sleep in the hospital to keep her company 24/7. It wasn't so much as to just keep her company, but because I didn't dare to live a life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. I wanted so much for it to be me who had to go through the pain she had to endure. It was really inhumane to have to watch someone you love more than your own life suffer, watch her leave you and there's nothing you can do to stop that.

I wanted so much for me to be taken instead of her. It's impossible to still believe god loves us when he allows us to go through such pain.

Everytime the emotions gush out, I wanted so much to call my mum's phone like how I used to last year whenever I miss her. Friends who went through the same thing said time will heal. But the pain and missing of mum will never go away. Just less painful. Maybe cuz as time passes, one gets immune more and more towards such feelings.

It doesnt really help that I know there are many people out there who is experiencing the same thing.

My mom, my everything
Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

lulu1103

tbcylh said:

Life became meaningless
My mum left me 4 months ago. Till now I still cant believe she's not around anymore. I wanted so much to join her but my religion tells me I might go to hell and if that's the case I still wont get to see her.

Her CA was discovered 7 years ago, and she remained CA free till Feb 2011. But her quality of life was good till Feb 2012 when the cells spread to her brain. No words can ever justify the pain I felt when I saw her lying on the hospital bed, in such great discomfort, and there's nothing I can do except to sleep in the hospital to keep her company 24/7. It wasn't so much as to just keep her company, but because I didn't dare to live a life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. I wanted so much for it to be me who had to go through the pain she had to endure. It was really inhumane to have to watch someone you love more than your own life suffer, watch her leave you and there's nothing you can do to stop that.

I wanted so much for me to be taken instead of her. It's impossible to still believe god loves us when he allows us to go through such pain.

Everytime the emotions gush out, I wanted so much to call my mum's phone like how I used to last year whenever I miss her. Friends who went through the same thing said time will heal. But the pain and missing of mum will never go away. Just less painful. Maybe cuz as time passes, one gets immune more and more towards such feelings.

It doesnt really help that I know there are many people out there who is experiencing the same thing.

My mom, my everything
Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

lulu1103

tbcylh said:

Life became meaningless
My mum left me 4 months ago. Till now I still cant believe she's not around anymore. I wanted so much to join her but my religion tells me I might go to hell and if that's the case I still wont get to see her.

Her CA was discovered 7 years ago, and she remained CA free till Feb 2011. But her quality of life was good till Feb 2012 when the cells spread to her brain. No words can ever justify the pain I felt when I saw her lying on the hospital bed, in such great discomfort, and there's nothing I can do except to sleep in the hospital to keep her company 24/7. It wasn't so much as to just keep her company, but because I didn't dare to live a life without her, I couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. I wanted so much for it to be me who had to go through the pain she had to endure. It was really inhumane to have to watch someone you love more than your own life suffer, watch her leave you and there's nothing you can do to stop that.

I wanted so much for me to be taken instead of her. It's impossible to still believe god loves us when he allows us to go through such pain.

Everytime the emotions gush out, I wanted so much to call my mum's phone like how I used to last year whenever I miss her. Friends who went through the same thing said time will heal. But the pain and missing of mum will never go away. Just less painful. Maybe cuz as time passes, one gets immune more and more towards such feelings.

It doesnt really help that I know there are many people out there who is experiencing the same thing.

My mom, my everything
Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

krystiesq

lulu1103 said:

My mom, my everything
Hi,my name is Christi and I am 28 years old. My mom had me when she was 20 and I always appreciated having a young mom as I thought we would both grow old together. I never wanted to have to live without her. My mom was and still is my best friend, everything, other half and my biggest cheerleader. She was everything to me and we would always say how lucky we were that cancer did not run in our family. I have a 3 year old daughter who was everything to my mom. They were best buds and my mom lived for that little girl. I am also an only child and both my parents are my best friends. We called ourselves the 3 amigos and I cherished alone time with them and loved the fact that I was the only child. On february 9th, 2012 I got the call from my dad that would change my life forever. My mom had been acting different. We would text message 5 times a day and she started to tell me she wasn't getting my texts which did not make sense. After about two weeks my dad took her into the doctor and to be safe got an MRI of her brain as she was having terrible headaches as well. When I got the call from my dad he said she had a brain tumor and I almost dropped the phone. At this time we did not know if it was cancerous or not so I kept my hopes up. A week later the we found out it was the worst kind of brain cancer-GBM IV. We found a surgeon in Madison WI who was able to remove 100% of the tumor! yay...however the doctor informed us that it still usually comes back. Also with this, my mom suffered a stroke during the surgery and could not talk or move her right side. This meant she couldnt play with her granddaughter and that devestated her. The next four months she was in and out of the hospital as a drug to prevent seizures caused her to not have white blood cells and they never came back up. She was unable to fight an infections and it made her week. She completed rehab and chemo and her fu MRI was on June 15th, 2012. After the doctor had got 100% I figured this would come back good. I got the call from my dad that the tumor was back and bigger than the original size only four months later. One week later, my mother passed away. This was on June 26th, 2012. I lost my everything and I feel that a part of me has died. I am thankful to have my dad as he is a very positive person and has helped me but I struggle everyday just to make it through the day. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I live 2 hours away from my parents house. This weekend I went home for a daughter/father weekend which I needed. My dad helps to lift me up. He is my hero and now am scared that I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him. I miss my mom everyday and cry everyday. My best friend is gone and I thought she'd live until 100. This year has been terrible and I still keep saying I want her back even though I know I can't have her back. I talk to her everyday but would give anything to be in her loving arms again. I just want to know that I will not feel this empty and lost someday as it's the worst feeling in the world and I know I will never go through a more difficult time than losing my mom. I love her so much and she will be in my heart forever. Can anyone share similar stories or advise on helpful tips to get by in life?

I'm sorry Christi
I lost my mom two years ago tomorrow. I took care of her for almost three years during her battle with colon cancer. She was my best friend and much of the explanation you gave for your mom, I could give for mine. I too have a daughter and my mom watched her until she had a seizure which prevented her from being alone with her because she was afraid she would have another.

I am really sorry that you are going through what I have gone through. Losing your mom feels like the end of the world. It does get easier because you get used to a new normal, I can say that two years out. However, I am still sad, I still miss her and it still doesn't feel real at times. It would be easy to succomb to depression, sadness and anxiety, but I have to keep putting one step in front of the other and moving forward.

I can't really say what would be the best helpful tip for you to get by because grief is such a personal journey. No matter how sad you are or depressed, the sun will still rise tomorrow and you have a daughter who deserves to see her mom happy. I focus my energy on my daughter, who is as stubborn as my mom was, and try to be as good of a mom to her as my mom was to me.

lulu1103

krystiesq said:

I'm sorry Christi
I lost my mom two years ago tomorrow. I took care of her for almost three years during her battle with colon cancer. She was my best friend and much of the explanation you gave for your mom, I could give for mine. I too have a daughter and my mom watched her until she had a seizure which prevented her from being alone with her because she was afraid she would have another.

I am really sorry that you are going through what I have gone through. Losing your mom feels like the end of the world. It does get easier because you get used to a new normal, I can say that two years out. However, I am still sad, I still miss her and it still doesn't feel real at times. It would be easy to succomb to depression, sadness and anxiety, but I have to keep putting one step in front of the other and moving forward.

I can't really say what would be the best helpful tip for you to get by because grief is such a personal journey. No matter how sad you are or depressed, the sun will still rise tomorrow and you have a daughter who deserves to see her mom happy. I focus my energy on my daughter, who is as stubborn as my mom was, and try to be as good of a mom to her as my mom was to me.

Thank you Krystiesq
Thank you for your reply. It was very inspiring when you said try to be as good of a mom to my daughter as my mom was to me. As hard as it is to not cry all the time and to try to be a great mom to my daughter, I know my mom would be devasted if I didn't give all my love to my daughter. Life does go on and the sun continues to rise but I still wake up every day just missing my mom's voice and wanting her back so bad.

Old_soul91

I know how you feel
I lost my mother to ovarian caner last fall i was 19. It still hurts but i hope that you have found peace by now and that your emotional wounds have healed somewhat your post inspired me to work through my tears and make a profile here to share my story so thank you very much.

hakuna13

My Mom
Hi,

Like everyone else on here, I lost my mom to Cancer. She was diagnosed at Easter this year with lung cancer. She'd gone to the hospital for a knee replacement and they discovered the reason for her knee pain was a large tumour on her spine. By the time they discovered the cancer, it was too late. It had spread everywhere throughout her body. We took her home not long after because she wanted to be at home. She was in a lot of pain. As her primary caregiver, it was tough watching her lose her will to fight, having to help her stand up, having to go buy diapers when she couldn't walk anymore. After 6 weeks, she decided to go back to the hospital. She knew she only had a very short time left, just knew something wasn't right. When we checked back in, we were told the cancer had spread to her brain. She passed away 3 days later, 7 short and long weeks after the diagnosis.

I am 24 (23 at the time) and my dad passed away when I was 7, so mom was all I had left. I haven't even really dealt with any of this yet.

2 months after my mom passed away, my best friend (also 24) was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is scheduled for her second surgery on Friday, with chemo to start shortly after that. We live together, in a different city than her parents, so I will be her primary caregiver as well. I wasn't ready to do this the first time, and I'm definitely not ready to do this again.

deedee23

dear Swalsh
i lost my mum
dear Swalsh
i lost my mum three months ago with cancer that initially started with that of the gall bladder but later spread to other parts of her body. i feel the same way and its hard for me to read your post that after one year you are still in so much pain. i still cry every night coz of her and one of the people who commented is right .....at first you do feel relieved that all that pain they were in is gone but the cost for us was to much. my mum died a day after her first grandchild was born and all she got to see was a pic i took with my lousy phone while still in so much pain. every day i miss her and the thought that i wont see her again kills me. i have lost all faith in God as i feel He was just there laugu=hing at us while we did all those surgeries and chemo to try save her while all along he knew her fate. i wouldnt take back any of those days as she also had some happy times. i just live one day at a time.......there is nothing really that helps me COPE. my family and friends help with a laugh or two. i am also 25 and all i can tell you is ONE DAY AT A TIME!those little steps matter to someone else more than you know

grandmafay

deedee23 said:

dear Swalsh
i lost my mum
dear Swalsh
i lost my mum three months ago with cancer that initially started with that of the gall bladder but later spread to other parts of her body. i feel the same way and its hard for me to read your post that after one year you are still in so much pain. i still cry every night coz of her and one of the people who commented is right .....at first you do feel relieved that all that pain they were in is gone but the cost for us was to much. my mum died a day after her first grandchild was born and all she got to see was a pic i took with my lousy phone while still in so much pain. every day i miss her and the thought that i wont see her again kills me. i have lost all faith in God as i feel He was just there laugu=hing at us while we did all those surgeries and chemo to try save her while all along he knew her fate. i wouldnt take back any of those days as she also had some happy times. i just live one day at a time.......there is nothing really that helps me COPE. my family and friends help with a laugh or two. i am also 25 and all i can tell you is ONE DAY AT A TIME!those little steps matter to someone else more than you know

Sorry
I often forget this board is here. It doesn't get a lot of responses. I am so sorry that you lost your mother. Your grief is still very new. I am three years out from the death of my husband, and for me the pain and grief has lessened. I don't know that we ever really get over it. That just means that we still carry them in our hearts. The good memories remind us of how much we love and were loved. Our loved ones will always be with us through those memories. I lost my grandfather more than 50 years ago ( yes i am old!), and I am still reminded of him and feel that loss. I don't believe in closure. I wouldn't want it if I did. The people that I have lost in my life have helped make me who I am today. Hugs, Fay

Kate1983

Loosing My Mom

On Feb 18, 2012, God called my mom and she had to go. She was diagnosed with breast cancer may 2011 and was gone 9months later.. Its coming up on 1year and Im an emotional wreck she was my best friend my everything. I have 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 2 and she was there for us when nobody else was. Her and my father would have been married 40 years in september and its been hard on the whole family..Its hard to talk about it bc I always get emotional. I know god doesnt make mistakes and never have I questioned why she had to go. My faith is solid but my heart is broken. Sometimes we dont understand why things happen but we have to trust god and his reasons. Im 29 years old and miss my mother like a child would.  I just pray for better days..Im in nursing school determined to work with cancer patients..Its like I found my calling..Mom I miss you so much and you may be gone but you are never forgotten...

grandmafay

Kate1983 said:

Loosing My Mom

On Feb 18, 2012, God called my mom and she had to go. She was diagnosed with breast cancer may 2011 and was gone 9months later.. Its coming up on 1year and Im an emotional wreck she was my best friend my everything. I have 3 kids ages 9, 6, and 2 and she was there for us when nobody else was. Her and my father would have been married 40 years in september and its been hard on the whole family..Its hard to talk about it bc I always get emotional. I know god doesnt make mistakes and never have I questioned why she had to go. My faith is solid but my heart is broken. Sometimes we dont understand why things happen but we have to trust god and his reasons. Im 29 years old and miss my mother like a child would.  I just pray for better days..Im in nursing school determined to work with cancer patients..Its like I found my calling..Mom I miss you so much and you may be gone but you are never forgotten...

Sorry

I am sorry you lost your mom. Losing a loved one is very hard. Those year and even month days are difficult. As Americans, we seem to expect that we shouldn't still be grieving a year or more after losing someone. I have decided that grief never truly goes away. We just find ways to accept it. I think it reminds us of the wonderful people we have shared our lives with, those who have blessed us in so many ways. Our memories bring sadness, but they also bring joy. This board doesn't get as much traffic as the Grief and Bereavment one does. You might want to post there. This is a very old thread, but a good one. Take care, Fay