Lack of Interest in Intimacy

step@atime
step@atime Member Posts: 17
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I was diagnosed at 37 and have undergone full treatment and Phase II of reconstruction. After getting the "new girls" I thought intimacy would become more appealing. My husband and I have always had a great relationship and he was wonderful throughout the treatment process. He has been patient, loving and kind. The hints, innuendos, etc. have been increasing. I want to be interested. I want to participate, but I don't know what is holding me back. I don't mind how I look. I know that I am beautiful to him. I just can't seem to get the desire going back in the right direction. We do communicate. We have a great relationship. I think he feels like he has just gotten the left overs, though. I tried to explain to him that I have been violated in every way imaginable by doctors and machines. I teach elementary so I am constantly being touched and pulled at. I would love to have just a few minutes to myself everyday to just be me, by myself. Then I think I would have "more" of myself to give to him. He seems so hurt that he can't provide what I need, but I am still trying to figure out who the "new me" is. Is it selfish to want the time for myself? How do I show him that if I have time to journal, read, pray, there will be more than enough of me to go around?

Comments

  • svillalobos01
    svillalobos01 Member Posts: 15
    #2
    Hey
    This is probably not a good advice, but why don't you show him a copy of exactly what you just wrote for all of us? Your feelings are very important and he needs to know exactly how you are feeling right now. If he is been this supportive all this time, I am sure he will be able to understand what your situation is right now.
  • Kathy09
    Kathy09 Member Posts: 99
    #3
    Kinda disagree
    I realize your issues and he was there for you. I look at it as this may be one of his issues and you need to be there for him. Maybe it will change when you really do become intimate. Journal, read , and pray at lunch or breaks. Give him some well deserved time with you. Look at all you have been thru together.
  • Christine Louise
    Christine Louise Member Posts: 426 Member
    #4
    Starting with non-sexual
    Starting with non-sexual intimacy might ease your way: backrubs, footrubs, and massages. Just soothing touch, not being "pulled at." Maybe he would be open to reconnecting physically but without the pressure/expectation of intercourse for now.
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #5
    Time will help
    Sorry, I am not an expert and have been in similar situation myself. You need to talk to your husband about your concerns and feeling.Everything what is going on with you understandable. Cancer treatment include s emotional, physical and chemical intervention causing problem. If you are on hormonal therapy , lack of estrogen contributes to situation.
    you can find some advice by reading old post:http://csn.cancer.org/node/182666
    Wishing you the best,
    New Flower
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #6
    Take baby steps
    I will be honest and tell you that my husband and I had sex while I was on chemo. I did it for him and oddly enough for me, it somehow gave me the reassurance that my husband stilled loved and wanted me. As time went on I found out that he desired that closeness during chemo not because he is a sex crazed goon but because he felt closest to me when we were intimate. He was afraid of losing me and it gave him great comfort, shoot it gave me great comfort. It is awkward, I had a lumpectomy then later I had to have a mastectomy and now I have most of the reconstruction done. Cancer messes with not just our minds but our loved ones mines too. I hope this will resolve itself for you both soon as you certainly don't need to have one more thing to stress you.

    My best to you,

    RE
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #7
    RE said:

    Take baby steps
    I will be honest and tell you that my husband and I had sex while I was on chemo. I did it for him and oddly enough for me, it somehow gave me the reassurance that my husband stilled loved and wanted me. As time went on I found out that he desired that closeness during chemo not because he is a sex crazed goon but because he felt closest to me when we were intimate. He was afraid of losing me and it gave him great comfort, shoot it gave me great comfort. It is awkward, I had a lumpectomy then later I had to have a mastectomy and now I have most of the reconstruction done. Cancer messes with not just our minds but our loved ones mines too. I hope this will resolve itself for you both soon as you certainly don't need to have one more thing to stress you.

    My best to you,

    RE

    I agree with RE
    I also had sex before starting Chemo after mastectomy and during Chemo too. And yes, I did it for my husband and for myself too. By the end of Chemotherapy treatment I was absolutely unable to response. Radiation brought additional fatigue and burned skin to our sex life.Being on hormonal therapy interferes with drive. Time did help me, so I am much better now. little by little you will feel better. Time will cure.
    Wishing you the best
  • EstherMSKCC
    EstherMSKCC Member Posts: 20
    #8
    Lack of interest in intimacy
    Dear step@atime,

    I came across your post regarding lack of interest in intimacy after cancer treatment and as an employee of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in NY, I am aware of various resources available that may be of help.

    The American Cancer Society has some excellent information about sexuality in women with breast cancer:

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MIT/MIT_7_1x_SexualityforWomenandTheirPartners.asp

    The National Cancer Institute also has a couple of links that address this topic:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/life-after-treatment/page5

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/sexuality

    This Q&A from CancerCare may also be of interest: http://www.cancercare.org/reading_room/ask/archive/intimacy-archive.php

    I hope this information is useful and wish you the best of luck as you work through these issues.

    -Esther
  • jbug
    jbug Member Posts: 285
    #9
    EstherMSKCC said:

    Lack of interest in intimacy
    Dear step@atime,

    I came across your post regarding lack of interest in intimacy after cancer treatment and as an employee of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in NY, I am aware of various resources available that may be of help.

    The American Cancer Society has some excellent information about sexuality in women with breast cancer:

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MIT/MIT_7_1x_SexualityforWomenandTheirPartners.asp

    The National Cancer Institute also has a couple of links that address this topic:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/life-after-treatment/page5

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/sexuality

    This Q&A from CancerCare may also be of interest: http://www.cancercare.org/reading_room/ask/archive/intimacy-archive.php

    I hope this information is useful and wish you the best of luck as you work through these issues.

    -Esther

    Step: This topic is so
    Step: This topic is so important and I'm glad you felt comfortable sharing here...there are many others that will gain comfort from your openness...and others who will benefit from Esther's resource posting.

    Esther: Thanks for posting these resources!

    Blessings....
    Julie
  • step@atime
    step@atime Member Posts: 17
    #10
    thank you all for the input
    Thank you all for being so open. I did talk to my husband and he was extremely understanding, I did share the post with him. He and I both have had misconceptions about things like "I had my last chemo, so i'll feel great now" or "reconstruction is done, so she feels great about herself." we're on the same page now, and I think it will work itself out just fine. Thank you again. I appreciate the "sisterhood"!

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