Is it ever alright to feel sorry for yourself??
Comments
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A scarf!ms_independent said:Of course it's OK
CR,
I really can't say anything that hasn't been lovingly said. I just wanted to chime in and say it's normal and healthy to have a pity party. You've been through hell. So, let it all out. This is a safe place. I've heard that BC warriors often suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well, no wonder!!!
As far as the lymph edema and getting a dress. You have probably avoided sleeveless dresses. Most of us do as we get older. But, a sleeveless dress with a beautiful silky scarf that covers your shoulders, port scars and upper arms might be an option. You could tie it and secure it to the dress with a dressy pin. Just a thought.....
Hope you are feeling better soon! Lots of hugs, El
A scarf is a wonderful idea! Sleeveless with a scarf!! Thank you so much!!
Hugs,
CR0 -
Why me?fauxma said:CR,
I will only say that you
CR,
I will only say that you put into words, beautifully, all the feelings that we all have occasionally. You have every right to why me and feel sadness. In fact, if we didn't then that would be the scary thing. You have always given hope and support to everyone so now we will lift your spirits. You are a strong warrior but it is okay to grieve and feel sadness and angry and all the emotions that this disease can conjure up.
Stef
"Thank you all so much for giving me approval to just be sad and unhappy for a bit. Just talking about how darned mad and miserable things are right now, really and truly helped me to get back on the road to feeling better."
Thanks so much for this statement. 2010 was to be a great year for me, moving closer to my family, new job, daughter getting married, husband to retire, all kinds of changes.
This Breast Cancer just got in the way of my plans. I have been mad and sad, I guess a little of everything. Mainly "bummed out" that my plans will have to change and be delayed awhile longer. The good thing is, maybe 2012 will be the year for changes. I am looking forward to being the new and improved me.
I appreciate your candor and the responses of the ladies on this board, your positive attitudes and the feeling that I am not alone has helped me in countless ways.0 -
Grieving!
I think we all on
Grieving!
I think we all on some level are grieving the loss of what we once had, whether it be a lifestyle, a breast, scarless breast or body or something. I know I am. I also know that when the treatment is all over and I am back to 'normal' life will still never be the same again, not after this experience. It won't be better or worse just different.
And if there are moments when we want to just cry and grieve and feel sad about our loss, about the changes and the places cancer has taken then who is to say you cannot. Infact where is the book of rules that says you cannot feel sad and down about your situation! Who is anyone to say that you cannot?
I love the poem by Rumi called 'The Guest House'
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
....... the rest can be found at http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Guest_House.htmlwhere0 -
CR, WOW I can so relate
CR, WOW I can so relate right now! I feel like I'm on the edge of tears but keeping the "confident, everythings OK, smile" on my face for the around me. I also grew up on a farm throwing bales of hay and sacks of corn around and feel almost usless right now. I'm 50 and I lost my balacne twice in the past week. And I haven't even started chemo yet! What's THAT about? I actually fell over trying to set something down in the hospital lobby the other day...I think they thought I was drunk or something! The surgery wasn't bad, but the fact that I'm having a chemo that I've been told has a "high" chance of nasty side effects and my 17 y.o. daughter (my baby) is planning on going into the Coast Guard Academy 4 days after she graduates from HS has me down. I'll be spending the last 4 months she's living at home being on chemo. Once she goes, she belongs to the USA for 9 years...no summers off like regular college. I'm proud of her and happy for her, but I'll miss her and had hoped to have some good weekend trips before she went. And all the while I keep reminding myself that my life is a lot better than some peoples and I feel guilty that I'm feeling sorry for myself.
I think sometimes we just need to "vent" and let our emotions out, then we can pick ourselves up and "get back in the fight". My stepmom had cancer and I never heard her complain once even after 2 recurances, the 2nd of which took her life. I have no idea how she did it!
Thanks for the post and reminding us we have a right to our emotions.
Hang in there and good luck with the dress shopping!
Hugs,
Marcy0 -
My dear friend CR... I want
My dear friend CR... I want to thank you for this post... I so relate to every word of your post... but somehow could not find a voice to put to it... It seems as though everyone just expects me to be who I was before dx... people at work, family, friends... treatment is over... except every 28 days when I'm reminded again... with an injection... or just like so many of us here, who pop a wonderful pill everyday... when I go to walk across the office and feel like I can barely make it because my hips and legs hurt so dang bad that it makes walking difficult, or when I get dressed and my shoulders protest at stretching into a shirt... or going to bed and having to walk up the stairs...
I often find myself wondering when I will be "normal" again... within myself and physically... when will I have a day that I don't think about it... when I won't fear it... when I can once again feel like my life is "my own"...
I don't mean to scare any of the newly diagnosed members of these boards... about what may or may not be in their futures... this is just my experience... others may not have the same reactions... or se's...
Doctors offer more rx to curtail the se's, but those too have se's... which also can be controlled with even "more" rx's... I have declined any more meds... it makes no sense to me... "here take these pills to control the side effects of the prescriptions your on... " where does that cycle end... no thank you..just the thought brings me to tears.... after all ... before dx I found it hard to swallow an asprin...
See... I am having a pitty party too... right, wrong or indifferent... it's how I feel... angry... isolated... alone... and very sad that my life has changed... but I know that all of us here are here to support eachother... and that brings a sence of solice, and peace.
My heart felt cyber hugs to you my friend...
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
CR...loved your post..thanks.
Hugs back at you..
This is my first time on this site and your letter has already made me cry...just like about everything else does these days. I am about your age and I hate my port as much as this damn cancer...I am glad I didn't know I had this when I went to my sons wedding last August..it was odd enough without me being bald and sad...although then I could have at least had a better explanation for the tears that were not necessarily joy oriented.
I have fought this cancer happily and confidently till now..now as things in my treatment start to fail more than work, the reality of reality is slowly setting in that I may not win this one. Like you I was always healthy and strong..now..I don't even know it is me.
But I can tell you this...sheer long sleeves are the way to go...if you even want to go..seriously...you don't have to do that which will hurt you. I don't think you should worry about what you wear but you will and I don't blame you one bit. The port itself is ridiculous...clearly designed by a man. I have noticed the happier people at my treatment center are the ones who walk in with their bald heads held high..I strive to be one of them but have not yet let go of what little vanity I have left..shocking..huh? To be this physically diminshed and still care about such things?....
I know you won't curl up and die in your recliner..because for what ever the reason...you still care...so good for you...maybe you are trying to give up the fight but you haven't..
this treatment is beyond grueling..but some of us will make it through it and live many years each one of which will be a gift.
I say you wear a topless mini dress with no undies...they will talk about you alright but it won't have a damn thing to do with your arm or your port!!!!!!!
cheers!0 -
Marcy venting...canoegirl said:CR, WOW I can so relate
CR, WOW I can so relate right now! I feel like I'm on the edge of tears but keeping the "confident, everythings OK, smile" on my face for the around me. I also grew up on a farm throwing bales of hay and sacks of corn around and feel almost usless right now. I'm 50 and I lost my balacne twice in the past week. And I haven't even started chemo yet! What's THAT about? I actually fell over trying to set something down in the hospital lobby the other day...I think they thought I was drunk or something! The surgery wasn't bad, but the fact that I'm having a chemo that I've been told has a "high" chance of nasty side effects and my 17 y.o. daughter (my baby) is planning on going into the Coast Guard Academy 4 days after she graduates from HS has me down. I'll be spending the last 4 months she's living at home being on chemo. Once she goes, she belongs to the USA for 9 years...no summers off like regular college. I'm proud of her and happy for her, but I'll miss her and had hoped to have some good weekend trips before she went. And all the while I keep reminding myself that my life is a lot better than some peoples and I feel guilty that I'm feeling sorry for myself.
I think sometimes we just need to "vent" and let our emotions out, then we can pick ourselves up and "get back in the fight". My stepmom had cancer and I never heard her complain once even after 2 recurances, the 2nd of which took her life. I have no idea how she did it!
Thanks for the post and reminding us we have a right to our emotions.
Hang in there and good luck with the dress shopping!
Hugs,
Marcy
Boy Marcy..you nailed it...I just found this site this morning and wish I had before I emailed my best friend since first grade...she didn't need that to greet her on a Sat. morning!...You guys have no choice but to listen...!!! This is great!
Everything in your life is changing now..how could you help but feel sorry for yourself?..I am 53 and thought I was in the middle of my chemo but they have had to stop..long story but not a good one...they say to expect bumps in the road..now I do...they are the norm apparently.
Losing our baby daughters really hurts...mine is 24 and I still cry like a fool as she leaves again after a visit...and I am not a weepy one..till now that is...I sob like a fool at the drop of a hat...the other day I watched the movie Beaches and thought I might have to be hospitalized...lol...(not recommended)
You don't know what your step mom did to vent..really...some idiot man was telling me the other day how his wife sorked the entire time she went through treatment..he said she was one of the "brave ones"...if I wasn't weak and tired I would have slugged him...personally I think his "brave" wife was just trying to stay away from him.
Don't feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself.....if you can't now then when?..As moms we tend to think we are not even allowed to have feelings sometimes...taking care of yourself now and thinking about yourself is the best thing you can do for your kids...
I don't know if this helps or not but I keep telling myself (an admitted control freak with annal tendancies)...it's out of my hands...I am on a ride but I am not the pilot..
I wish you well, it sounds like you have done a great job raising your baby, she must be really special.....hugs to you too.0 -
My heart goes out to all oftaleena said:My dear friend CR... I want
My dear friend CR... I want to thank you for this post... I so relate to every word of your post... but somehow could not find a voice to put to it... It seems as though everyone just expects me to be who I was before dx... people at work, family, friends... treatment is over... except every 28 days when I'm reminded again... with an injection... or just like so many of us here, who pop a wonderful pill everyday... when I go to walk across the office and feel like I can barely make it because my hips and legs hurt so dang bad that it makes walking difficult, or when I get dressed and my shoulders protest at stretching into a shirt... or going to bed and having to walk up the stairs...
I often find myself wondering when I will be "normal" again... within myself and physically... when will I have a day that I don't think about it... when I won't fear it... when I can once again feel like my life is "my own"...
I don't mean to scare any of the newly diagnosed members of these boards... about what may or may not be in their futures... this is just my experience... others may not have the same reactions... or se's...
Doctors offer more rx to curtail the se's, but those too have se's... which also can be controlled with even "more" rx's... I have declined any more meds... it makes no sense to me... "here take these pills to control the side effects of the prescriptions your on... " where does that cycle end... no thank you..just the thought brings me to tears.... after all ... before dx I found it hard to swallow an asprin...
See... I am having a pitty party too... right, wrong or indifferent... it's how I feel... angry... isolated... alone... and very sad that my life has changed... but I know that all of us here are here to support eachother... and that brings a sence of solice, and peace.
My heart felt cyber hugs to you my friend...
♥ & hugs,
~T
My heart goes out to all of you as I read these posts. I remember the last time I 'cyber-spoke' to you, Cindy, I was having my own pity party. It wasn't directly related to cancer, but I know that I am less tolerant of disruptions and pressures of life since I've been going down the long road to recovery.
Everyone deserves the chance to say (and not be judged) 'my life sucks right now and I want my old life back', or 'I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired', or 'why me', or 'today's a crappy day and anything that goes wrong is going to put me over the edge', or 'why can't you understand that I'm not the same strong person that I was a month, six months, or a year ago'. I've used all of these phrases at one time or another in the past year. I'm fortunate to have friends that know that I just needed to express how I felt at the time, and this, too, will pass.
I've been treated for breast cancer twice, in 2000 and again in 2009. There were many times when I wondered if I'd ever regain strength and health(both physical and psychological), but I did continue to improve long (years) after the treatments ended. Remembering this has helped me deal with the treatments and the road to recovery this year. I hope that you can all experience this continual improvement.
Also, for those of us who have been affected by the gloomy days of winter, spring is right around the corner! The sunshine and longer days are sure to make a difference!
Joyce0 -
Thanks for posting this, Cindy
and for all of the rest of these touching responses.
I had a really interesting experience along these lines last night, and was thinking about all of you.
My husband and I went to a Bon Jovi concert with another couple who are good friends of ours. We had a lovely dinner beforehand, and when we got to the concert we were surrounded by people who were very excited to be there. What's not to like, right?!?! Yet, I just felt isolated and very, very alone. I was feeling self-conscious about my wig, and maybe also felt a bit left out because the crowd around us was taking a poll as to which song they thought Bon Jovi would open with, but I've never been a particular fan of the band (don't dislike them,, but they've just never been on my personal top 10 list) so I couldn't even think of a name of a song to vote for, plus I was just not feeling really great physically. Had my last chemo last week and still have a sore throat, runny nose and cough along with the general weakness after-effects. When the concert started, I tried to enjoy the music but just found myself actually quietly crying because I think you never feel so alone as when you are in a crowd and just don't really want to be there. I was wishing I could just talk to some of you right then, because I knew you would understand.
Don't worry though - this actually has a happy ending! When Bon Jovi started to sing "It's My Life", with the lyrics - "It's now or never. I'm not gonna live forever. I just want to live while I'm alive. I'ts my life!" I really connected and started to feel better. I got over my pity party right then and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
As so many of you have eloquently expressed here, it is not only OK, but almost expected to feel sorry for ourselves at least now and again. I think that accepting that it is part of the process actually makes the sadness go away more quickly, at least for me.
I am so glad to have foudn this site to come to where I know I will always find "kindrid spirits".
Thank you all for sharing, and for letting me share.
Cindy0 -
LOVE that story, Cindy!cindycflynn said:Thanks for posting this, Cindy
and for all of the rest of these touching responses.
I had a really interesting experience along these lines last night, and was thinking about all of you.
My husband and I went to a Bon Jovi concert with another couple who are good friends of ours. We had a lovely dinner beforehand, and when we got to the concert we were surrounded by people who were very excited to be there. What's not to like, right?!?! Yet, I just felt isolated and very, very alone. I was feeling self-conscious about my wig, and maybe also felt a bit left out because the crowd around us was taking a poll as to which song they thought Bon Jovi would open with, but I've never been a particular fan of the band (don't dislike them,, but they've just never been on my personal top 10 list) so I couldn't even think of a name of a song to vote for, plus I was just not feeling really great physically. Had my last chemo last week and still have a sore throat, runny nose and cough along with the general weakness after-effects. When the concert started, I tried to enjoy the music but just found myself actually quietly crying because I think you never feel so alone as when you are in a crowd and just don't really want to be there. I was wishing I could just talk to some of you right then, because I knew you would understand.
Don't worry though - this actually has a happy ending! When Bon Jovi started to sing "It's My Life", with the lyrics - "It's now or never. I'm not gonna live forever. I just want to live while I'm alive. I'ts my life!" I really connected and started to feel better. I got over my pity party right then and enjoyed the rest of the evening.
As so many of you have eloquently expressed here, it is not only OK, but almost expected to feel sorry for ourselves at least now and again. I think that accepting that it is part of the process actually makes the sadness go away more quickly, at least for me.
I am so glad to have foudn this site to come to where I know I will always find "kindrid spirits".
Thank you all for sharing, and for letting me share.
Cindy
Thanks for sharing it. You made my day.
YES you can feel sorry for yourself, and don't need permission to do so.
We've all been there and done that and come out the other side stronger!0 -
Thanks Kidkidatheart said:Marcy venting...
Boy Marcy..you nailed it...I just found this site this morning and wish I had before I emailed my best friend since first grade...she didn't need that to greet her on a Sat. morning!...You guys have no choice but to listen...!!! This is great!
Everything in your life is changing now..how could you help but feel sorry for yourself?..I am 53 and thought I was in the middle of my chemo but they have had to stop..long story but not a good one...they say to expect bumps in the road..now I do...they are the norm apparently.
Losing our baby daughters really hurts...mine is 24 and I still cry like a fool as she leaves again after a visit...and I am not a weepy one..till now that is...I sob like a fool at the drop of a hat...the other day I watched the movie Beaches and thought I might have to be hospitalized...lol...(not recommended)
You don't know what your step mom did to vent..really...some idiot man was telling me the other day how his wife sorked the entire time she went through treatment..he said she was one of the "brave ones"...if I wasn't weak and tired I would have slugged him...personally I think his "brave" wife was just trying to stay away from him.
Don't feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself.....if you can't now then when?..As moms we tend to think we are not even allowed to have feelings sometimes...taking care of yourself now and thinking about yourself is the best thing you can do for your kids...
I don't know if this helps or not but I keep telling myself (an admitted control freak with annal tendancies)...it's out of my hands...I am on a ride but I am not the pilot..
I wish you well, it sounds like you have done a great job raising your baby, she must be really special.....hugs to you too.
Thanks Kidatheart.
Of course now I'm sitting hear crying...doesn't seem like it takes much lately, plus I'm PMSing and the past year or so this is one of the symptoms. Every time I think of Report In Day, I tear up. I don't remember being like this with my older daughter, but I knew she'd be coming home more and that I could talk to her on the phone and see her anytime I wanted to drive the 5 hours to her campus. (OK, so I only talked to her once a week and went up for parents weekend, but it was knowing it was an OPTION) I was a basket case after I dropped her off though!
Maybe it's just all the changes...empty nest...BC...and to top it off, my husbands job is relocating out of state, so we plan on moving after the main treatment is done (before herceptin is finished). ARG, I hate putting the house on the market...OK I just really hate having to keep it clean all the time! LOL And I REALLY hate looking for a new job!
I guess at this point I should just be glad my husband has a good job in this economy! Maybe I'll find my "dreamhouse"!0 -
Thank You, CRMama G said:LOVE that story, Cindy!
Thanks for sharing it. You made my day.
YES you can feel sorry for yourself, and don't need permission to do so.
We've all been there and done that and come out the other side stronger!
Thank you so much for this beautiful post.
I was d/x in August 2010, had surgery in October 2010, started chemo in December 2010.
When I had my first visit to my breast cancer specialist, she cut me to the quick and said, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself!" I was trying to explain to her that this was my second bout of cancer, that I had just lost my Mom and my job, all within one year. I guess I wanted her to know what/who she was dealing with. I won't make that mistake again.
So I overcompensated by putting on a brave front to all my friends, family and neighbors. I did not give myself permission to mourn the loss of my health and former normal life. However, I do, occasionally, secretly feel sorry for myself. I recently had a day-long cry. I felt ashamed of myself for "giving in." I sometimes have what I call "the 15 second cry."
After reading your thread it struck me that I had every right to give myself a private pity party and not feel ashamed by it.
All my friends and family say how brave I am and how great I'm doing and I tell my closest friends that I'm not really all that brave. However, I find myself trying to protect my loved ones by not complaining, not grieving, not expressing my fears. Silly isn't it. When I tell them that my fingernails are falling off, I immediately apologize for complaining. Why shouldn't I mourn the loss of my pretty fingernails or the fact that by the time I walk down the street or up the stairs, I am totally exhausted.
Thank you for giving me permission to feel sorry for myself and to mourn the loss of my former normal and be a little ticked off by my new "normal."
I only recently discovered this CSN site and I am so impressed with it's contents and the beautiful people who share their stories. Such an inspiration.0 -
I'm a newbie, as of last
I'm a newbie, as of last night, so am a bit late in responding to your post. I was just diagnosed in mid January, but certainly do think it's understandable that we would feel just as you said you did on that day back in February. I am already beginning to realize that this disease changes our lives forever, like it or not. I am close to your age (52 last month) and have had some of those same fears of appearing feeble and sick. I worry a lot that my three children, the youngest of whom is 11, will think of me as their "sick mom" and that is the last thing I want. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better, make these low and funky feelings just go away. All I can do is try to understand (haven't reached the point where you are so I cannot totally get it yet), off you my (((GENTLE HUGS))) and put you on my prayer list! We'll get through this together!
Nancy0 -
Cr, It better be ok, because
Cr, It better be ok, because this has been my day of it! I go thru it every 21 - 28 days when I have Zometa with chemo. I get horrendous bone pain, lack of sleep, then weepy and so emotionally sensitive. Just before reading your post I was talking to my 25 year old son and totally broke down... This one started with being treated differently by friends and family, and today at the grocery store, I was treated like an invalid!! They were really trying to be nice and help, but I felt incapable of even grocery shopping.
It seems that I spend all but about 2 days a month being the strong one, then it just hits me! I am always glad to read these posts, it makes me realize that I am ok and it is ok not to be 'strong' all of the time. Like so many of you, I am so thankful for what I still have, but it is ok to greive for all that I am losing!
Thank you for posting, I wish I would have read it earlier!
~Carol0 -
I couldn't have said it better
Yes we should be able to feel sorry for ourselves! I still have to fight with myself to not feel sorry (or angry)for myself. I too feel old, achy and can't remember things. I don't think I every really realized when I went through chemo and radiation and herceptin for a year that I would not bounce back completely. I thought sure it might take a while, but I would feel like I use too. Well, some things have improved but I too never thought my body or mind would feel like it does now at only 55!
But then I think it could be worse, my treatment could not have worked, my cancer could have come back and on and on. I hate having to put on a breast everyday to look normal, but then what else could I have done, I wanted to live. So I live, some days better than others, but I LIVE and will continue to for as long as I can.
Know you are not alone in feeling sorry for ourselves and somedays we just need to stay in bed or the recliner and get up the next day and move on.0 -
it's okay
It's okay to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. Please, please, please, don't live there though. I'm 56 and this was a real shock for me but I started a list of survivors and they keep coming out of the woodwork. I decided that if all those women could do this so could I and have tried to focus on that. Some days it's pretty hard! I've been through chemo, mastectomy, and now am almosst done with rads. Every now and then I feel pretty low but hey, I beat this monster, or so they've told me. I also try to give myself a treat at least once a week. I've earned it!0 -
Pity Party
OMG! I think I wrote that about feeling sorry for yourself. I love it when people tell me that I had cancer and its behind me and to get on with my life. Is it ever "behind" us? I am terrified! I am terrified and this has done such a number on my mind I am not sure I will ever recover!! I look at people going on with their lives with no worries except the normal everyday worries and i am JEALOUS. Very jealous that I can't have that life anymore!! And I am terrified of dying! I think about it all the time and cant get past it! I told someone that I feel like the cancer has already killed me even though at this point the doctor says it is gone! Is anyone a nuts as I am?0 -
Mush Clubnadinep said:Pity Party
OMG! I think I wrote that about feeling sorry for yourself. I love it when people tell me that I had cancer and its behind me and to get on with my life. Is it ever "behind" us? I am terrified! I am terrified and this has done such a number on my mind I am not sure I will ever recover!! I look at people going on with their lives with no worries except the normal everyday worries and i am JEALOUS. Very jealous that I can't have that life anymore!! And I am terrified of dying! I think about it all the time and cant get past it! I told someone that I feel like the cancer has already killed me even though at this point the doctor says it is gone! Is anyone a nuts as I am?
Wow, good to know I am not alone. I had my doctors check my brain MRI. Thought I was missing parts or something since treatment. I am forgetting everything. I post notes.Husband thinks I have just lost it. Repeat, and repeat myself all the time. I laugh about because I really want to cry about. It's not funny at all. Just really don't know what to do or say about it. So Cindy, I will join your pity party, and in a few minutes it won't matter anyways because we will forget what we were doing to begin with.
Love you my friend, and that I won't forget.
Kathy~0 -
I guess I should pay betterKat11 said:Mush Club
Wow, good to know I am not alone. I had my doctors check my brain MRI. Thought I was missing parts or something since treatment. I am forgetting everything. I post notes.Husband thinks I have just lost it. Repeat, and repeat myself all the time. I laugh about because I really want to cry about. It's not funny at all. Just really don't know what to do or say about it. So Cindy, I will join your pity party, and in a few minutes it won't matter anyways because we will forget what we were doing to begin with.
Love you my friend, and that I won't forget.
Kathy~
I guess I should pay better attention to dates on here. Post above is from Feb 20100 -
We deserve to morn out loss
We should not feel guilty that we look in a mirror and mourn the loss of part of our body it is a very big thing. We eaened that right with no questions asked. My family wants me to see a shrink because from time to time I will cry not a long time just once in awhile. I am so happy to know that it isn't me it is normal.It is hard to think wow when I go get a bra i need a special one and a gel type replace for the part of me that is gone because with out it i feel like unconformable it doesnt make me self center or selfiah or mental i think it makes me normal,,If I didn't cry or get angry then I would think there is something wrong it is normal..god bless take care and cry if you need to cray and yell if you need to yell I know myself I feel good once I get it out of my system. I no longer care what others think anymore. Because it is me going threw this not them.............. ps my typing is terrible but hey,I don't care...lol0
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