Is it ever alright to feel sorry for yourself??

laughs_a_lot

Pity Party
Since I am new at this I have only had very short pity parties. I give myself permission to have them for a certain amount of time, then try to pull myself out of it. I don't know if I will continue to be able to use this technique as time goes on but for now it works for me. I would be worried about any one who DID NOT feel sorry for themselves given this diagnosis. No we don't have to spend every day there but we have to acknowlege our feelings. We would get even sicker if we stuffed and denied how we feel. I will do my best to be happy when I can be, but will not beat myslef up for grieving the loss of my health as I knew it. It is a natural response to wicked disease.

kya911

laughs_a_lot said:

Pity Party
Since I am new at this I have only had very short pity parties. I give myself permission to have them for a certain amount of time, then try to pull myself out of it. I don't know if I will continue to be able to use this technique as time goes on but for now it works for me. I would be worried about any one who DID NOT feel sorry for themselves given this diagnosis. No we don't have to spend every day there but we have to acknowlege our feelings. We would get even sicker if we stuffed and denied how we feel. I will do my best to be happy when I can be, but will not beat myslef up for grieving the loss of my health as I knew it. It is a natural response to wicked disease.

Brightest Star
You are alive to see your son's wedding & there is hope to see your grand babies born one day.
Not making light of all our nasty side effects. I think buying a dress you love & people seeing your port would be like showing your badge of courage. That is just my way of thinking.

Most important yes we have the right for all pity parties we want. You go girl :>)

Jean 0609

Good Morning CR,
Hope you are feeling a little better today. Sorry I missed your post yesterday.

My son is getting married April 30th. I found a dress that I absolutely loved. However, my port and scar both show. (I am doing Herceptin until June, so I still have my port). I decided to buy it anyway. If others don't like the sight of my port, they don't have to look at it. My husband encouraged me to buy the dress. He and all my other friends that I tell, say that I should absolutely wear it.

Sending a big hug your way.

xoxo,
Jean

VickiSam

Jean 0609 said:

Good Morning CR,
Hope you are feeling a little better today. Sorry I missed your post yesterday.

My son is getting married April 30th. I found a dress that I absolutely loved. However, my port and scar both show. (I am doing Herceptin until June, so I still have my port). I decided to buy it anyway. If others don't like the sight of my port, they don't have to look at it. My husband encouraged me to buy the dress. He and all my other friends that I tell, say that I should absolutely wear it.

Sending a big hug your way.

xoxo,
Jean

bumping upu
...

csr771

IT IS, WHAT IT IS
I joined this site because I was having difficulty expressing myself to my family and friends. If you have not walked in these shoes, no matter how compassionate you are, you cannot understand. It is hard when you are having a bad day and you just want to feel sorry for yourself. Why shouldn't we feel sorry for oursleves? Life as we knew it is over for any number of reasons. I think that sometimes my tears are for the death of who I was, who I am now and the uncertainty about who and what I will be in the future and what, if anything, is left. We grieve the postponement or even death of our dreams and face our futures with trepidation because it is unknown and none of us volunteered to make this journey.

Having said all of this, as I sit and type with tears in my eyes, I know that my life, nor yours, can be a continual pity party. Although sometimes I do not want to get out of my bed, I have to get up. Although sometimes I want to close myself off from everyone and everything, I need to reach out. Sometimes when I feel most like screaming,I have to laugh so that I don't slip away never to be able to return to some semblence of sanity. I have to know that this too shall pass and weeping endures but a night and joy will comes in the morning. It's just that we don't know what morning it will be. Everyone be blessed.

jendrey

csr771 said:

IT IS, WHAT IT IS
I joined this site because I was having difficulty expressing myself to my family and friends. If you have not walked in these shoes, no matter how compassionate you are, you cannot understand. It is hard when you are having a bad day and you just want to feel sorry for yourself. Why shouldn't we feel sorry for oursleves? Life as we knew it is over for any number of reasons. I think that sometimes my tears are for the death of who I was, who I am now and the uncertainty about who and what I will be in the future and what, if anything, is left. We grieve the postponement or even death of our dreams and face our futures with trepidation because it is unknown and none of us volunteered to make this journey.

Having said all of this, as I sit and type with tears in my eyes, I know that my life, nor yours, can be a continual pity party. Although sometimes I do not want to get out of my bed, I have to get up. Although sometimes I want to close myself off from everyone and everything, I need to reach out. Sometimes when I feel most like screaming,I have to laugh so that I don't slip away never to be able to return to some semblence of sanity. I have to know that this too shall pass and weeping endures but a night and joy will comes in the morning. It's just that we don't know what morning it will be. Everyone be blessed.

Yes
This is so not the life that I ordered.

mmontero38

Aww, Cindy...how eloquently
Aww, Cindy...how eloquently you expressed what most of us feel. It will be 4 years for me this June 1st and I still feel sorry for myself some days. I still have the why me days and maybe I will always have them. Life will never be the same as precancer...but I'm hoping that we can all eventually get past the stubborn hump of doubt and get on with it. Looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of all we've been through...for me the mastectomy scar and reconstruction, the port scar high on my chest above my heart...the bras that don't fit right, since my left breast grows since Ive gained 40 lbs and the right stays the same size...wish they made bras with a d cup on the left and a c cup on the right.

The muscle and joint pains....I'm 52 yrs old and walk like an old arthritic lady. Can't get on my knees or sit on the floor because I won't be able to get up. You know, I feel old and feeble like you.

I guess I'm not feeling too well today and joined you on the pity wagon. I hope I'm not getting anyone down....I usually try to get myself out of this hump...but I'm also having other medical issues and the stress of the unknown is getting to me today.

Cindy...I know exactly how you feel and I'm hoping today is a better day, Hugs, and I'll see you on FB.

Bravecat

mmontero38 said:

Aww, Cindy...how eloquently
Aww, Cindy...how eloquently you expressed what most of us feel. It will be 4 years for me this June 1st and I still feel sorry for myself some days. I still have the why me days and maybe I will always have them. Life will never be the same as precancer...but I'm hoping that we can all eventually get past the stubborn hump of doubt and get on with it. Looking in the mirror is a constant reminder of all we've been through...for me the mastectomy scar and reconstruction, the port scar high on my chest above my heart...the bras that don't fit right, since my left breast grows since Ive gained 40 lbs and the right stays the same size...wish they made bras with a d cup on the left and a c cup on the right.

The muscle and joint pains....I'm 52 yrs old and walk like an old arthritic lady. Can't get on my knees or sit on the floor because I won't be able to get up. You know, I feel old and feeble like you.

I guess I'm not feeling too well today and joined you on the pity wagon. I hope I'm not getting anyone down....I usually try to get myself out of this hump...but I'm also having other medical issues and the stress of the unknown is getting to me today.

Cindy...I know exactly how you feel and I'm hoping today is a better day, Hugs, and I'll see you on FB.

It helps so much to see
It helps so much to see others who are having similar feelings! I am fortunate that after my mastectomy I am only having to take "anti hormone" therapy, but I do still miss " the girls". I am overweight and without them, it is still more evident to me and brings up those "monsters" in my mind too. Talking to friends and family is tough because so many either feel guilty because they think you expect something of them or that they expect you to totally lose it if you show any emotions about it.

chenheart

Wait!!! Stop! Listen! We are
Wait!!! Stop! Listen! We are applauding you!!! We are in your corner, we are in your mushy brain, your larger arm, we are hiding port scars with you, we live in your frightened psyche, and every other place you happen to be at any given moment! (We also rejoice at those moments when you realize that for today, you have kicked cancers A$$, and that Life and Plans are going on around you. Plans which others expect you to participate in. And you will!)

I dunno..I went to a gathering over the weekend. A newly married, 30 something was just diagnosed with Parkinson's. I have visions of Michael J. Fox. Another has something called (sp) distonia, and to keep her eyelids from drooping so far down as to keep her from seeing, she has surgical thread implanted in her upper eye lids with knots tied to keep her lids open. And debilitating pain. Some have no physical ailments but are barely survivng the economy and their marriages. I imagine we ALL have things which make us wonder why and why me? And some days are really, really worse than others, aren't they?

This recurrance of mine has thrown me for a loop. Sure, I keep busy~ I got married, I do 1/2 marathons and whatever fundraising 5 and 10 K's come my way, I travel, I get together, I do stuff. But I look so different...I am not the same Chen. I feel the "ravages" of cancer on me physically, the lack of sleep taking its toll on my face, my hair not being thick and shiny any longer...just stuff. Of course we are happy to be alive! That was never the point. We fought to be here, we didn't say "oh well" at diagnosis and do nothing. But yeah, mortality has tapped us on the shoulder, and I don't like it very much either.

One foot in front of the other Kindred Spirit~we walk together. On the days someone else is scared and feeling sorry you will be the one lifting them up. It all comes full circle.

And of course..."We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do."

Fellow Feeling Hugs,
Chen♥

Angie2U

chenheart said:

Wait!!! Stop! Listen! We are
Wait!!! Stop! Listen! We are applauding you!!! We are in your corner, we are in your mushy brain, your larger arm, we are hiding port scars with you, we live in your frightened psyche, and every other place you happen to be at any given moment! (We also rejoice at those moments when you realize that for today, you have kicked cancers A$$, and that Life and Plans are going on around you. Plans which others expect you to participate in. And you will!)

I dunno..I went to a gathering over the weekend. A newly married, 30 something was just diagnosed with Parkinson's. I have visions of Michael J. Fox. Another has something called (sp) distonia, and to keep her eyelids from drooping so far down as to keep her from seeing, she has surgical thread implanted in her upper eye lids with knots tied to keep her lids open. And debilitating pain. Some have no physical ailments but are barely survivng the economy and their marriages. I imagine we ALL have things which make us wonder why and why me? And some days are really, really worse than others, aren't they?

This recurrance of mine has thrown me for a loop. Sure, I keep busy~ I got married, I do 1/2 marathons and whatever fundraising 5 and 10 K's come my way, I travel, I get together, I do stuff. But I look so different...I am not the same Chen. I feel the "ravages" of cancer on me physically, the lack of sleep taking its toll on my face, my hair not being thick and shiny any longer...just stuff. Of course we are happy to be alive! That was never the point. We fought to be here, we didn't say "oh well" at diagnosis and do nothing. But yeah, mortality has tapped us on the shoulder, and I don't like it very much either.

One foot in front of the other Kindred Spirit~we walk together. On the days someone else is scared and feeling sorry you will be the one lifting them up. It all comes full circle.

And of course..."We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do."

Fellow Feeling Hugs,
Chen♥

There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with anyone feeling sorry for themselves, whether they are fighting breast cancer or not.

Life is hard at times for everyone. And, with the economy and everything else, life is different now for so many.

There are so many on here that have fought bc twice and even more, RE, KathiM, Marsha, Meena, Jeanne D, Libby and others. I guess when I start feeling down in the dumps with my having bc, I think of them, and, I know there is always someone worse off than me.

Not that it cheers me up, by no means, but, I realize that I could be in a lot worse shape, and, just pray for them and pray that no one ever has to go thru this again.

But, we are allowed a pity party whenever we need one. We are all allowed to shed tears for what we have lost and what we have been thru.

It takes a strong, very strong person, woman or man, to go thru the diagnosis of bc, the surgery's, the chemo, rads and hormone therapy. So, I applaud each and every one of us.

So, if you are feeling low and feeling sorry for yourself, let it out. We are allowed to feel bad some of the time. Just never let it be for too long.

Hugs,

Angie

Jennifer1961

I think it's okay to take
I think it's okay to take the occasional dip in the self pity pool as long as you don't stay in too long and dry yourself thoroughly when you get out.

Lynn Smith

Jennifer1961 said:

I think it's okay to take
I think it's okay to take the occasional dip in the self pity pool as long as you don't stay in too long and dry yourself thoroughly when you get out.

I can relate
I feel sorry for myself over the bc, some family members, friends and others I know.


I feel sorry for myself alot.I am 1 1/2 year survivor so it is still new to me.I wonder what year will I feel comfortable but decided not sure if I ever will feel comfortable.One reason is because i know of some long term surivivors who lived 13 years or more.Then the cancer comes back(bones etc)and they live another year.So I guess I can't stop feeling sorry for myself.I feel sorry for those who made it so long and now no longer with us.

I was very upset when my sister said something to my daughter-in-law I am not fond of.Daughter in law is a trouble maker.My sister saw her and told her I had a tumor.Well nothing had been done about it.Doctor took his good old time.So why tell anyone yet? I didn't tell my husband yet either.He is kinda a person who thinks I can't be sick.I got to keep going. My daughter-in-law comes over one day.Said "WOW you sure are losing weight". In a year I had but not recent.I asked her "How can you tell"??Of course her answer was in your "boobs". She said OMG they are smaller.They weren't.At least not till a month later the left one was.My son is worried about me and asks his dad.He never asks me but goes to his dad.I think he keeps it from my daughter-in-law because she is so crude to him.

People I know are the same way."You look skinnier.I tell them I didn't loose a pound.Oh you sure look skinnier.Like fishing to see if my cancer is back.I drop it.I find people are just downright nosey.Not the worry kind of nosey IMO.They never say "I think about how you are doing." It is crude to make me feel worse and more depressed than I am.So there goes the pity party.

As the years go by things will get better and better but will never be the same.We did buy a camper and next year when my husband retires we want to travel.We've always been home bodies but think we will see the world a bit.We still have our home we can always go back to if we prefer staying home.I think maybe getting out away from alot will be better for both of us.Meet new friends( other retirees).My sister in laws and husbands go to AZ in the winter.Stay at a retirement camping area and they have a blast.They hate coming back to OH and MI but family is here.

The feeling sorry is the big worry "will it come back"."Cancer is unpredictable".And will be for the rest of our lives. We will all worry about that.We must face it.Our lives will not change. We will have "Feeling sorry" days more now

Lynn Smith

camul

Lynn Smith said:

I can relate
I feel sorry for myself over the bc, some family members, friends and others I know.


I feel sorry for myself alot.I am 1 1/2 year survivor so it is still new to me.I wonder what year will I feel comfortable but decided not sure if I ever will feel comfortable.One reason is because i know of some long term surivivors who lived 13 years or more.Then the cancer comes back(bones etc)and they live another year.So I guess I can't stop feeling sorry for myself.I feel sorry for those who made it so long and now no longer with us.

I was very upset when my sister said something to my daughter-in-law I am not fond of.Daughter in law is a trouble maker.My sister saw her and told her I had a tumor.Well nothing had been done about it.Doctor took his good old time.So why tell anyone yet? I didn't tell my husband yet either.He is kinda a person who thinks I can't be sick.I got to keep going. My daughter-in-law comes over one day.Said "WOW you sure are losing weight". In a year I had but not recent.I asked her "How can you tell"??Of course her answer was in your "boobs". She said OMG they are smaller.They weren't.At least not till a month later the left one was.My son is worried about me and asks his dad.He never asks me but goes to his dad.I think he keeps it from my daughter-in-law because she is so crude to him.

People I know are the same way."You look skinnier.I tell them I didn't loose a pound.Oh you sure look skinnier.Like fishing to see if my cancer is back.I drop it.I find people are just downright nosey.Not the worry kind of nosey IMO.They never say "I think about how you are doing." It is crude to make me feel worse and more depressed than I am.So there goes the pity party.

As the years go by things will get better and better but will never be the same.We did buy a camper and next year when my husband retires we want to travel.We've always been home bodies but think we will see the world a bit.We still have our home we can always go back to if we prefer staying home.I think maybe getting out away from alot will be better for both of us.Meet new friends( other retirees).My sister in laws and husbands go to AZ in the winter.Stay at a retirement camping area and they have a blast.They hate coming back to OH and MI but family is here.

The feeling sorry is the big worry "will it come back"."Cancer is unpredictable".And will be for the rest of our lives. We will all worry about that.We must face it.Our lives will not change. We will have "Feeling sorry" days more now

Lynn Smith

Lynn, I just read your post
Lynn, I just read your post and the second paragraph grabbed me. I too am one whose cancer came back after 8 1/2 years. I was told that my chances were slim of this happening, but lo and behold, here I am. I was 52 when it came back extremely aggressive and I have not been given a very positive outlook to the future.

However, here is where I am so thankful for the 8 1/2 years and all that I have accomplished.

Was able to work full time up until Sept. 2010
I was able to help guide my children through their teenage years, not easy.
Went back to school and graduated with a double major, with honors.
Bought a home, remodeled it, sold it and bought the town home I am in. Remodeled this one, including laying hardwood, finishing a basement and gutting and making 2 new baths.
I was here to see my mother to the end of her life and help her.
I was here to witness the marriage of one of my sons.
I was here to help my other son thru his diagnosis of ET and help him with decisions regarding treatment. (It is a blood disorder that is usually seen in 60+ yr olds he was 24). Some see it as a form of cancer.
And in 3 weeks I will watch both of my sons graduate from the University.

In those years, I never stopped living. I am not happy that it is back, but I am really grateful for the additional years.

You are right it does suck, and I would love nothing more than to still be clean. Please, just don't let the cancer get you by not allowing you to live your life to the fullest now while you are clear! Ignore what everyone else expects of you, as you change your routines, they will change their expectations!

Thinking of you,

~Carol

Lynn Smith

camul said:

Lynn, I just read your post
Lynn, I just read your post and the second paragraph grabbed me. I too am one whose cancer came back after 8 1/2 years. I was told that my chances were slim of this happening, but lo and behold, here I am. I was 52 when it came back extremely aggressive and I have not been given a very positive outlook to the future.

However, here is where I am so thankful for the 8 1/2 years and all that I have accomplished.

Was able to work full time up until Sept. 2010
I was able to help guide my children through their teenage years, not easy.
Went back to school and graduated with a double major, with honors.
Bought a home, remodeled it, sold it and bought the town home I am in. Remodeled this one, including laying hardwood, finishing a basement and gutting and making 2 new baths.
I was here to see my mother to the end of her life and help her.
I was here to witness the marriage of one of my sons.
I was here to help my other son thru his diagnosis of ET and help him with decisions regarding treatment. (It is a blood disorder that is usually seen in 60+ yr olds he was 24). Some see it as a form of cancer.
And in 3 weeks I will watch both of my sons graduate from the University.

In those years, I never stopped living. I am not happy that it is back, but I am really grateful for the additional years.

You are right it does suck, and I would love nothing more than to still be clean. Please, just don't let the cancer get you by not allowing you to live your life to the fullest now while you are clear! Ignore what everyone else expects of you, as you change your routines, they will change their expectations!

Thinking of you,

~Carol

Camul
I remember reading some of your posts about it coming back after 8 1/2 years. I believe your have many more years too and will accomplish many more things in those years.Your treatment seems to be working. It's just the last months 2 people I know passed from BC. It makes you think. BUT my breast surgeon tells me over and over we are ALL different.I agree.If it comes back we just have to fight a bit harder.

I have a niece with bc(dx at 30) who is doing fine after a double masectomy BUT she has a very serious brain disease after her DX. She forgets things and some days can't walk or talk.Happened not long after her DX but she is doing fine with the cancer.And YES my mom lived 60 years with bc.She was a inspiration.

I did community service work for over 10 years.It was a monthly thing and sometimes 2 times a month.It overpowered me.I kept going for over a year after DX. Took alot of time and I wasn't thinking about myself.I miss it and they miss me but time to concentrate on ME. I can breathe a bit easier now. Taking time to smell the roses.

You are right it SUCKS.I remember a year ago a young woman who died of bc had her family put in her obituary"I want everyone to know CANCER SUCKS."

You are going to survive many more years and are a inspiration.I will be thinking of you also.

Lynn Smith

Ka4755

I think it very appropriate

I think it very appropriate to go through stages of acceptance with cancer. There is nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself and having a pity party if needed.

just diagnosed with stage 3c breast cancer and had a right masectomy in Aug. starting chemotherapy and will lose my hair. Back of affected arm felt as if had permanly been burned by a blowtorch.

prognosis is questionable

i am 68 years old no history of breast cancer in my family. I can accept the thought of dying easier than chemo and radiation. I haven't given uP.

a friend of mine said I was feeling sorry for myself when I told her I had received a $3000 blood test bill. 

I am still working and just get by, can't retire and I thought her remark was rude and insensitive. She is lifting me up in prayer everyday, which is appreciated, but I am sure God has his hands busy with all the suffering in the world. 

please think about the words u convey to people going through cancer. Don't be a know it all, show compassion. It is a terrifying journey I was not prepared for. 

I have good days and difficult days for those having difficult days choose you words wisely to not offend them

 

disneyfan2008

hugs

hugs