Is it ever alright to feel sorry for yourself??
If not now, when trying to out-maneuver a deadly illness, then when?
Is it ever acceptable in polite society to as "why me"? Or just even "why"?
If you get through all of the treatments, do all that's required, and in the end, you find that you are NOT what you used to be, are you allowed to be sad and down? To lament what you have lost and to fear the time ahead?
Is it ever alright to feel sorry for yourself...?
Well, I am darn well feeling pretty sorry for myself. And I admit it.
I am not happy that my brain has turned to mush and that I can't remember when I put the dogs out, completely forgetting them until hours later, I find them half frozen in the snow. I solved that problem by setting a timer & carrying it around with me...but I feel like an ****.
I'm not happy that one thing has led to another, healthwise, and so I am on another demanding journey of doctors and medical madness.
I am not happy that I cannot find a dress to wear to my son's wedding because I have to cover port scars and take into account that one arm is now a bit larger than the other, due to the absence of lymph nodes. Try and get a dress to fit right when you can't get one arm into a sleeve.
I am not happy that I have far less strength than I used to, and frankly, I find myself falling down now and again when a dog or grandchild bumps me.
I did not want to feel used up and feeble at 56, but I do. I feel fragile and as a farm girl who grew up tossing 80 pound bales of hay, it is all a painful blow.
I don't know if things will improve. If I can regain strength. Find a purpose for going through 14 months of grueling cancer treatment.
Maybe I'll just crawl into my old recliner and stay there.
I declare that YES, it is perfectly alright to feel sorry for yourself on occasion! I just did it! And gosh darn it, it feels good to share, regardless of the reactions it may cause.
Hugs to all....
CR
Comments
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Good for you!
I think one of the biggest disservices we can do to ourselves is to fail to bestow upon OURSELVES the dignity, respect, sympathy and love we would give anyone else going through a serious illness and harsh treatments. We tend to think that others may have it tough but we are just whining. Once you give yourself permission to admit that you have valid feelings worth expressing, I think it be very freeing. It can also go a long way to helping you deal with those feelings and become healthier, both physically and emotionally. We all need that.
Mimi0 -
It certainly is ok and
It certainly is ok and especially to let us know. Its not fair and it stinks. But not ok to give up. I often say " who did I piss off" I post here and someone lifts me up. Some of the symptoms will get better in time. I try to visualize what I will do when I am better. Definately a roller coaster. Most people just dont get it unless they have been through it. The strong farm girl will return HUGs to you0 -
Yes, Yes and HELL YES!!!!!
It is absolutely okay to have down periods and "feel sorry for yourself". Look at everything that you have been through. You are just getting to know the "new" you and get adjusted to it. It is different than the young farm girl and I think it would be that way with or without going through bc treatments. You need to give yourself time to heal and vent all you want. I believe that is also part of the healing process. I think at the end of your post, you were already feeling better. Now, go find that dress for the wedding and I'm sure you will look just beautiful!!! ((((HUGS))))0 -
H*ll yes!
We all have those moments--sometimes days. It isn't fair, I don't want to play this game, and where do I get off this roller coaster?
But then reality sets in and we know that we have to cope with _it_ and the rest of our lives and we pull it back together. Until the next time.
I've had my one year cancerversary and some complications. I have to say that I don't usually get cranked up about the beast much at this point but then if something else happens ... it will probably all start again.
Maureen0 -
You are not alone in thisMyTurnNow said:Yes, Yes and HELL YES!!!!!
It is absolutely okay to have down periods and "feel sorry for yourself". Look at everything that you have been through. You are just getting to know the "new" you and get adjusted to it. It is different than the young farm girl and I think it would be that way with or without going through bc treatments. You need to give yourself time to heal and vent all you want. I believe that is also part of the healing process. I think at the end of your post, you were already feeling better. Now, go find that dress for the wedding and I'm sure you will look just beautiful!!! ((((HUGS))))
You are not alone in this ....every time I look in the mirror and see the extra 20lbs and the scraggly new hair growth....everytime my knees ache and I can't feel my toes....I have myself a little self-pity party. But then I have to drag myself up, put on my wig and my makeup and go to work where someone inevitably tells me how great I look.....I know I'll never be back 100% to where I was precancer....but I'll be ok.....we'll all be ok....and you will be beautiful at the wedding I'm sure.....0 -
Damn right it is! LOL
Sweet CR~
The truth of the matter is....we are people! We have days of strength and weakness, days of joy and sorrow, days of being effervescent and days of self-imposed hibernation~ and everything inbetween! I experienced all of those emotions even BEFORE cancer pulled me up by the short hairs and made me face my mortality.
I have felt sorry for myself when a vacation fell through, or a date got cancelled, or when I didn't lose that damnable 5 pounds even when it felt as if I had starved myself all week long. Just yesterday I went to a lovely wine-tasting, book signing event and I inwardly wondered why I was never going to be one of the women wearing the crisp white shirt with perfectly fitting jeans and high heels. Mundane? Foolish? Yes. Part of my psyche anyway, even though I "know better?" Absolutely yes!
Did you ever in your wildest dreams figure that along with life's other dramas and things which affect us that CANCER would be part of the fabric of our life story? And if you did, were you convinced thast you would be the perfect Pollyanna?
I think most of us, myself included, are pressured to "get over it", and not burden those around us with what was. We only see the smiling faces of public persons who faced and seemingly successfully waged war with the beast and won. But honestly~ do you really think that Robin Roberts with her beaming smiling face greeting us every day on Good Morning America, or OMG~ Lance Armstrong have never, ever, wished this had never, ever happened to them??? And that they never face the all too human dark days?
That is what is soooo wonderful about this place, isn't it? None of us in here groans when we see a vent being posted! We actually exhale, knowing that HOORAY~ others feel the way we do and are not afraid to admit it! Repeating myself for the umpteenth time; this is such a safe place to land!
Thanks for giving voice to our truth, CR; you are a champion!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
♥ Cindy ♥chenheart said:Damn right it is! LOL
Sweet CR~
The truth of the matter is....we are people! We have days of strength and weakness, days of joy and sorrow, days of being effervescent and days of self-imposed hibernation~ and everything inbetween! I experienced all of those emotions even BEFORE cancer pulled me up by the short hairs and made me face my mortality.
I have felt sorry for myself when a vacation fell through, or a date got cancelled, or when I didn't lose that damnable 5 pounds even when it felt as if I had starved myself all week long. Just yesterday I went to a lovely wine-tasting, book signing event and I inwardly wondered why I was never going to be one of the women wearing the crisp white shirt with perfectly fitting jeans and high heels. Mundane? Foolish? Yes. Part of my psyche anyway, even though I "know better?" Absolutely yes!
Did you ever in your wildest dreams figure that along with life's other dramas and things which affect us that CANCER would be part of the fabric of our life story? And if you did, were you convinced thast you would be the perfect Pollyanna?
I think most of us, myself included, are pressured to "get over it", and not burden those around us with what was. We only see the smiling faces of public persons who faced and seemingly successfully waged war with the beast and won. But honestly~ do you really think that Robin Roberts with her beaming smiling face greeting us every day on Good Morning America, or OMG~ Lance Armstrong have never, ever, wished this had never, ever happened to them??? And that they never face the all too human dark days?
That is what is soooo wonderful about this place, isn't it? None of us in here groans when we see a vent being posted! We actually exhale, knowing that HOORAY~ others feel the way we do and are not afraid to admit it! Repeating myself for the umpteenth time; this is such a safe place to land!
Thanks for giving voice to our truth, CR; you are a champion!
Hugs,
Chen♥
♥
I am so sorry that you feel this way, but, I am so happy that you feel that you can come here and post how you really, truly feel. You know that each and everyone of us can associate with how you are feeling and thinking in some way. And by writing your words, I hope that in some way, you feel better knowing that we all truly "get it".
Having breast cancer is horrible enough. And unfortunately, even after we are thru the surgery and finish our treatments, there are lingering side effects, mentally and physically. Noone can see them or feel them unless they have walked in our shoes. That is why so many think that we should just "get over it" and "move on". But, I don't know if we can ever really "get over it". We try to store it in the back of our mind where we only occasionally think of it. We try to move on and live our lives to the fullest knowing we just survived the worst disease ever. And for some of us, like me, having bc twice is a big wake up call...
I think we all need days or minutes or hours where we do have a pity party for ourselves. We don't necessarily need to invite anyone, but, we just need to feel sorry for ourselves for all that we have gone thru. There is certainly nothing wrong with that. I think it is normal, very normal. We need to pat ourselves on the back for being so courageous and for having the strength to have gone thru all that we have. When someone called us warriors, that word fits all of us perfectly.
Cindy, allow yourself to have these feelings. Don't squelch them. And, if this site is where you can "let it all out", then please post as often as you need to. It saddens me to read about how you are feeling. I wish I could just give you the biggest hug ever and make you feel better. But, I can't unless you will accept a HUGE cyber hug from me! Will you?
Just know Cindy that we all love you and that we do understand. Venting and sharing your feelings here is part of the purpose of this site. I wish I could make you believe that you will have better days ahead of you. You will Cindy! You will!
Love, Jeanne ♥</♥</font>
P.S. Now get back to Farmville and I will send you a Luv Ewe! lol0 -
The very first...
First - ever - non-profit organization founded to assist and support specifically breast cancer patients named itself: Y-Me ... I believe all (or, at the very least, the vast majority) of us here can totally appreciate just how perfectly appropriate that original name was.* Why me? A universal question, posed by all of us - at one point or another.
We are informed, warned, guided, helped, watched over, etc. so constantly during treatment - then, pretty much left on our own afterwards to deal with whatever follows next. Here, on the board, most often referred to as: "The New Normal" or "Life After Cancer"... Just as with the earlier portion of the journey itself - much about this struggle is the same, while some aspects differ for each of us.
As a longer term survivor (6+ years, headed for 7) - my words to you, dear Cindy, are as follows...
Actually, you are not that far out from completion of all your active/invasive treatment. Just a couple of months, after more than an entire year of travel over grueling terrain along the road. Time itself is still on your side. Please allow yourself more time to heal... To heal your body, mind, heart, and spirit. I think it is maybe too early to think that where you are now is where you will always be. And please understand that in no way am I dismissing your current feelings... Been there, honey. Done that. But, it happened much later for me. Frankly, a few years later - when I finally realized that I had to accept who and what I had permanently become in order to keep moving forward. Stopped hoping to get back to my pre-BC self and life exactly as it once had been. Then - I grieved for my old self, my old life. I think you may be already grieving, and it might be too soon...
I will sincerely hope - with all my heart - for a future day when you, dear friend, look back upon now - and realize how much better you are.
Hugs backatcha, Cindy Lou Who. :-)
Kindest regards, Susan xo
*No longer Y-Me... At the moment, can't recall the current name...0 -
Of course it's OK
CR,
I really can't say anything that hasn't been lovingly said. I just wanted to chime in and say it's normal and healthy to have a pity party. You've been through hell. So, let it all out. This is a safe place. I've heard that BC warriors often suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Well, no wonder!!!
As far as the lymph edema and getting a dress. You have probably avoided sleeveless dresses. Most of us do as we get older. But, a sleeveless dress with a beautiful silky scarf that covers your shoulders, port scars and upper arms might be an option. You could tie it and secure it to the dress with a dressy pin. Just a thought.....
Hope you are feeling better soon! Lots of hugs, El0 -
Oh My Goodness!!!
You are my age and I am just now starting to go through this process after my dx earlier this month. Your blog made tears come to my eyes because you could be me. YES...you have the right to feel sorry for yourself!!!!! I have tried so hard to put on a good face for all my loved ones, but all I want to do is scream. Yesterday on the way home from work I almost tore my steering wheel off my car. I was in the car by myself and no one around and I beat the living daylights out of the steering wheel...surprised it still turns.
I think after I did that I was more able to think because I think it was a great pressure release. But when I got home I put a good face for my spouse, children, mom, and friends when they called...it's so hard.
Yes, there are those who are worse off than we are. We need to remember them in our prayers but also pray for yourself and beat something up, scream, whatever makes you feel better. We didn't ask for this to happen and our minds have a hard time accepting it especially when you never have been sick before. And yes...I didn't ask why me, but I did ask why now. I retire 25 Mar and we were going to full time RV (in fact I don't even have a house anymore...I had moved into a 35 ft motorhome) and was ready to start. Why now?0 -
Yespdv said:Oh My Goodness!!!
You are my age and I am just now starting to go through this process after my dx earlier this month. Your blog made tears come to my eyes because you could be me. YES...you have the right to feel sorry for yourself!!!!! I have tried so hard to put on a good face for all my loved ones, but all I want to do is scream. Yesterday on the way home from work I almost tore my steering wheel off my car. I was in the car by myself and no one around and I beat the living daylights out of the steering wheel...surprised it still turns.
I think after I did that I was more able to think because I think it was a great pressure release. But when I got home I put a good face for my spouse, children, mom, and friends when they called...it's so hard.
Yes, there are those who are worse off than we are. We need to remember them in our prayers but also pray for yourself and beat something up, scream, whatever makes you feel better. We didn't ask for this to happen and our minds have a hard time accepting it especially when you never have been sick before. And yes...I didn't ask why me, but I did ask why now. I retire 25 Mar and we were going to full time RV (in fact I don't even have a house anymore...I had moved into a 35 ft motorhome) and was ready to start. Why now?
It is alright to feel sorry for yourself. Look at all that you have been thru. Nothing about the treatments for bc are easy, nothing. And, nothing prepares us for the aftermath when the treatments are done. Just take care of yourself and know that I am sending you prayers and hugs!
Kristin ♥0 -
Ventingpdv said:Oh My Goodness!!!
You are my age and I am just now starting to go through this process after my dx earlier this month. Your blog made tears come to my eyes because you could be me. YES...you have the right to feel sorry for yourself!!!!! I have tried so hard to put on a good face for all my loved ones, but all I want to do is scream. Yesterday on the way home from work I almost tore my steering wheel off my car. I was in the car by myself and no one around and I beat the living daylights out of the steering wheel...surprised it still turns.
I think after I did that I was more able to think because I think it was a great pressure release. But when I got home I put a good face for my spouse, children, mom, and friends when they called...it's so hard.
Yes, there are those who are worse off than we are. We need to remember them in our prayers but also pray for yourself and beat something up, scream, whatever makes you feel better. We didn't ask for this to happen and our minds have a hard time accepting it especially when you never have been sick before. And yes...I didn't ask why me, but I did ask why now. I retire 25 Mar and we were going to full time RV (in fact I don't even have a house anymore...I had moved into a 35 ft motorhome) and was ready to start. Why now?
You ladies have said it all so very well.....we all deserve and need to feel sorry for ourselves from time to time.
Why me?
What did I do to deserve this ?
Will I ever feel normal ?
How did this happen?? there is no history of bc in my family...I have no other indications for being susceptible to this disease.
Why am I so afraid for family to see me without my wig, without make up ???
I had just finished filling out my retirement papers when this hit me, so retirement will come after treatment is completed......soon.
Judy0 -
I certainly hope so because
I certainly hope so because I do it all the time! This journey that we are on is unknown to many people. I have very few friends who have stuck through it with me but those that have are my real treasures. So go ahead and feel sorry for yourself. You deserve it and we don't mind listening at all. We've been there.0 -
Well now...........
I have not frequented this board much since I finished rads, last February. I would stop in now and then to cheer someone on or to put in my two cents on a subject.
But when I was feeling so low this morning, I knew that I had to come and post and hear some reassuring voices from all of my wonderful friends here. I think I will forever be tied to the CSN bc board! And that's a good thing!
Thank you all so much for giving me approval to just be sad and unhappy for a bit. Just talking about how darned mad and miserable things are right now, really and truly helped me to get back on the road to feeling better.
I have preached on many occasions about how there IS life after bc. And there surely is. I'm finding out however, that it just may not be the life that we envision. (Thank you Susan)
So we will adapt and re-boot, so to speak. Pull ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try and accept what we get back.... and work around what we don't.
I will be cheerier tomorrow, I'm sure. And I will have all of you to thank for listening and for just beoing here when I needed you.
Hugs for you all!!
CR0 -
pdv..........pdv said:Oh My Goodness!!!
You are my age and I am just now starting to go through this process after my dx earlier this month. Your blog made tears come to my eyes because you could be me. YES...you have the right to feel sorry for yourself!!!!! I have tried so hard to put on a good face for all my loved ones, but all I want to do is scream. Yesterday on the way home from work I almost tore my steering wheel off my car. I was in the car by myself and no one around and I beat the living daylights out of the steering wheel...surprised it still turns.
I think after I did that I was more able to think because I think it was a great pressure release. But when I got home I put a good face for my spouse, children, mom, and friends when they called...it's so hard.
Yes, there are those who are worse off than we are. We need to remember them in our prayers but also pray for yourself and beat something up, scream, whatever makes you feel better. We didn't ask for this to happen and our minds have a hard time accepting it especially when you never have been sick before. And yes...I didn't ask why me, but I did ask why now. I retire 25 Mar and we were going to full time RV (in fact I don't even have a house anymore...I had moved into a 35 ft motorhome) and was ready to start. Why now?
Please don't let my rant this morning get you down. You can do whatever is required of you in order to save your life...just as I did. I held together all through treatment. It's just now, as I am realizing that some things are just gone, probably forever, that I am feeling so sorry for myself. But this will pass, and I will adjust, just as everyone else has. And if I have to beat the steering wheel right out of my car to do it, I will!! LOL! That sounds like VERY good therapy!
I'm just so sorry that this is happening as you are about to retire. Now THAT is a kick in the pants!
Thanks for posting and hugs for you.
CR0 -
Thank YOU, CR!CR1954 said:Well now...........
I have not frequented this board much since I finished rads, last February. I would stop in now and then to cheer someone on or to put in my two cents on a subject.
But when I was feeling so low this morning, I knew that I had to come and post and hear some reassuring voices from all of my wonderful friends here. I think I will forever be tied to the CSN bc board! And that's a good thing!
Thank you all so much for giving me approval to just be sad and unhappy for a bit. Just talking about how darned mad and miserable things are right now, really and truly helped me to get back on the road to feeling better.
I have preached on many occasions about how there IS life after bc. And there surely is. I'm finding out however, that it just may not be the life that we envision. (Thank you Susan)
So we will adapt and re-boot, so to speak. Pull ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try and accept what we get back.... and work around what we don't.
I will be cheerier tomorrow, I'm sure. And I will have all of you to thank for listening and for just beoing here when I needed you.
Hugs for you all!!
CR
Thank YOU for reminding me, at least, that it's OK to grieve for what I've lost, especially in terms of my future dreams for myself. I have tried very hard not to let myself think about the changes to my life but to keep going and be as positive as I can. Yet that's not always healthy--sometime, we do have to allow ourselves to grieve.
I know I don't want to become mired in grief; I don't want to get lost in it forever. Yet I think I need to allow myself to feel some of it, just for awhile.
You have also reminded me how many wonderful warriors are here who are willing to listen and who completely accept our grief.
I'm glad that you can envision a cheerier tomorrow while in the midst of your grief, too. It helps me know that allowing myself to feel the grief *isn't* a path to getting lost in it forever.
Thanks, CR! Lovingly, Sandy0 -
I am glad CR that the postsLadyParvati said:Thank YOU, CR!
Thank YOU for reminding me, at least, that it's OK to grieve for what I've lost, especially in terms of my future dreams for myself. I have tried very hard not to let myself think about the changes to my life but to keep going and be as positive as I can. Yet that's not always healthy--sometime, we do have to allow ourselves to grieve.
I know I don't want to become mired in grief; I don't want to get lost in it forever. Yet I think I need to allow myself to feel some of it, just for awhile.
You have also reminded me how many wonderful warriors are here who are willing to listen and who completely accept our grief.
I'm glad that you can envision a cheerier tomorrow while in the midst of your grief, too. It helps me know that allowing myself to feel the grief *isn't* a path to getting lost in it forever.
Thanks, CR! Lovingly, Sandy
I am glad CR that the posts cheered you up. We all have the bad days and just wish they would go away. I am hoping that you have many more bright and cheery days.
KYLEZ ♥0 -
I KnowCR1954 said:pdv..........
Please don't let my rant this morning get you down. You can do whatever is required of you in order to save your life...just as I did. I held together all through treatment. It's just now, as I am realizing that some things are just gone, probably forever, that I am feeling so sorry for myself. But this will pass, and I will adjust, just as everyone else has. And if I have to beat the steering wheel right out of my car to do it, I will!! LOL! That sounds like VERY good therapy!
I'm just so sorry that this is happening as you are about to retire. Now THAT is a kick in the pants!
Thanks for posting and hugs for you.
CR
I know how you feel. It makes you very mad to find out that some things will never be the way they were. You may not have the memory you once did. You may tire after daily activities. You may have to deal with other health effects as a result of the chemo. And you have to watch certain things when you go somewhere as if you are a child. Like sun, bug bites, heavy lifting, strenuous activity, what you eat, etc. It pisses you off. You are not who you once were and will never be. But you got to keep on keeping on otherwise, what was the point of going through hell to begin with.
Take care,
P0 -
CR,Kylez said:I am glad CR that the posts
I am glad CR that the posts cheered you up. We all have the bad days and just wish they would go away. I am hoping that you have many more bright and cheery days.
KYLEZ ♥
I will only say that you
CR,
I will only say that you put into words, beautifully, all the feelings that we all have occasionally. You have every right to why me and feel sadness. In fact, if we didn't then that would be the scary thing. You have always given hope and support to everyone so now we will lift your spirits. You are a strong warrior but it is okay to grieve and feel sadness and angry and all the emotions that this disease can conjure up.
Stef0
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