having a hard time

Thankful
God has given you the greatest gift.
Think of all th people who are visiting graves instead of bedrooms
Of the people who are in the hospital suffering and helpless
When you kiss him goodnight hold him a little tighter, a little longer
thank god for him and ask god for nothing more than one more day with him.
With cancer be thankful for each day you have together.

Loneliness
Melanie

I can totally relate. YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH. The loneliness is very real.

The people who have responded to you are right. Every day is a gift. Be thankful you can still look over to him lying next to you.

My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2005. He had two surgeries then. It showed it's ugly face again in October, and in mid November he had his third surgery. January 12 he starts chemo. It may or may not have metastasised - we're doing scans and MRI on Friday this week.

I've always had to make the "affection" moves. Not sex. That's another story - also gone by the wayside right now. But all of this leaves me feeling very lonely. I'm in the middle of NYC and feel totally isolated. There's no one who wants to hear about it. It makes them too uncomfortable. You do what you have to do. I know there are times to touch and try to hold, and I know when he can't deal with it. But I've got to have some good warm loving feelings to keep me going. I know he'd be very upset if I stopped trying. What I get now, at least, is verbal affection. He is very appreciative and is expressing it the way I need to hear it.

He's in a position now where he can't control very much. The space around him is about all there is that IS within his control. The lights and the remotes and the pillows - all superficial, but seemingly important. He's got to flex somewhere, so I let him. I'll just keep watching him sleep. I'll be happy to see him in his desk chair if he's gotten out of bed. Just knowing he's there.

Steve had a temporary colostomy years ago. The shame that goes with all this is overwhelming. When a man lacks the ability to control so many things that he's accustomed to dealing with, the experience can be totally emasculating. No one is telling you not to be depressed. You'd be inhuman if you weren't affected. Just find your new normal and see what you can do with a squeeze of the hand or a kiss on the forehead to make a difference to you.

The closeness is there. That doesn't go away. Cancer is just a very, very ugly mask.

Apple

appleyellowgreen said:

Oops. This was sent twice.
Oops. This was sent twice. Sorry.

I know exactly how you feel
My husband is the same way, he's very short of breath due to the cancer and the pulmonary embolisms, and he's struggling with a lot of frustration over losing his "manly" place in the house. He is still able to hold hands at least, but that's about the extent of the physical affection he is capable of. It's VERY hard.
No, I'm not saying I want to make like bunnies, though I miss that too, but going from a normal husband/wife relationship to this "caregiver" role is so difficult, and lonely when that physical dynamic changes. It's much more platonic now, and it takes a toll. I wish I had help to offer, but just know this isn't unique to your situation, and it's not necessarily any reflection on your relationship.

All my love

You are going through a very
You are going through a very difficult time and I certainly understand what you are talking about. My husband was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with stage 4 melanoma, and after several surgeries
he had to endure a year of interferon treatments. I spent that year feeling totally alone and unfortunately with not much support. The diagnosis itself i think made him feel as sense of loss of control but couple that with the treatments and I pretty much lost him for that year. While your husband may not show his affection its still in his heart. Its hard to believe but you will make it throught this.

You are both going through this but the caregiver is forgotten. Call on your family and friends for support and seek counseling. This message board is a great help. I was only directed to it recently.I wish I had this venue when I was going through it with my husband. Hearing from others in the same situation really helps.