having a hard time

MelanieT

I am 34 and my husband is 39 with stage 3c colon cancer. I feel very selfish for even saying this, but i feel so lonely. My husband show no affection. No touching, holding, kissing etc. Everyone tells me its the chemo, or the fact he has a illiostomy and feels gross and so on and so on. But to be honest it is making me very depressed and insecure. If anyone else is going through this please tell me how you cope and get through it. Thanks, sorry to whine but it is really getting to me

Mel

Fb489

HI
My husband is the same way, but I do the touching and feeling because
one day he might not be there to hold my hand.
So go ahead and hold his hand and hug him and be grateful he is there to touch and feel.

Fb489

Thankful
God has given you the greatest gift.
Think of all th people who are visiting graves instead of bedrooms
Of the people who are in the hospital suffering and helpless
When you kiss him goodnight hold him a little tighter, a little longer
thank god for him and ask god for nothing more than one more day with him.
With cancer be thankful for each day you have together.

MelanieT

Thanks everyone. I am so
Thanks everyone. I am so grateful. My friends husband died 2 yrs ago at age 36 of melanoma and she said it best. Everyday is a gift, A gift that most people dont stop to see, hold or even say hello too. Being the caretaker is one of the hardest jobs. Alot of sweat, tears and exhaustion and at the end of the day no real pay off. Cancer will do what it wants and you have to except it.. Good luck to you all too... thanks so much

Loves,
Mel

appleyellowgreen

Loneliness
Melanie

I can totally relate. YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH. The loneliness is very real.

The people who have responded to you are right. Every day is a gift. Be thankful you can still look over to him lying next to you.

My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2005. He had two surgeries then. It showed it's ugly face again in October, and in mid November he had his third surgery. January 12 he starts chemo. It may or may not have metastasised - we're doing scans and MRI on Friday this week.

I've always had to make the "affection" moves. Not sex. That's another story - also gone by the wayside right now. But all of this leaves me feeling very lonely. I'm in the middle of NYC and feel totally isolated. There's no one who wants to hear about it. It makes them too uncomfortable. You do what you have to do. I know there are times to touch and try to hold, and I know when he can't deal with it. But I've got to have some good warm loving feelings to keep me going. I know he'd be very upset if I stopped trying. What I get now, at least, is verbal affection. He is very appreciative and is expressing it the way I need to hear it.

He's in a position now where he can't control very much. The space around him is about all there is that IS within his control. The lights and the remotes and the pillows - all superficial, but seemingly important. He's got to flex somewhere, so I let him. I'll just keep watching him sleep. I'll be happy to see him in his desk chair if he's gotten out of bed. Just knowing he's there.

Steve had a temporary colostomy years ago. The shame that goes with all this is overwhelming. When a man lacks the ability to control so many things that he's accustomed to dealing with, the experience can be totally emasculating. No one is telling you not to be depressed. You'd be inhuman if you weren't affected. Just find your new normal and see what you can do with a squeeze of the hand or a kiss on the forehead to make a difference to you.

The closeness is there. That doesn't go away. Cancer is just a very, very ugly mask.

Apple

appleyellowgreen

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Oops. This was sent twice. Sorry.

mysarial

appleyellowgreen said:

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Oops. This was sent twice. Sorry.

I know exactly how you feel
My husband is the same way, he's very short of breath due to the cancer and the pulmonary embolisms, and he's struggling with a lot of frustration over losing his "manly" place in the house. He is still able to hold hands at least, but that's about the extent of the physical affection he is capable of. It's VERY hard.
No, I'm not saying I want to make like bunnies, though I miss that too, but going from a normal husband/wife relationship to this "caregiver" role is so difficult, and lonely when that physical dynamic changes. It's much more platonic now, and it takes a toll. I wish I had help to offer, but just know this isn't unique to your situation, and it's not necessarily any reflection on your relationship.

All my love

geotina

Mel
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Us caregivers, while we do not have the cancer we do live it daily. I know you from the Colon Cancer board, I also post there. A short while ago you two were totally stressed out waiting for scans and worrying about mets to lungs and that awful lady at chemo and then you got some good news. Maybe it is the stress of this monster troubling your husband. Maybe there is an ED issue due to the chemo and stress and the temporary ilio that he is embarassed about and causing him to pull away. Post your discussion on the colon cancer board and see if some of the guys will chime in. Believe me, nothing on that board is out of bounds. A few weeks ago a discussion turned to vaginal dialators used to combat the effects of radiation. I was surprised just how helpful other women were and how they reached out to each other. Take care - Tina

BROKEN HEART

You are going through a very
You are going through a very difficult time and I certainly understand what you are talking about. My husband was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with stage 4 melanoma, and after several surgeries
he had to endure a year of interferon treatments. I spent that year feeling totally alone and unfortunately with not much support. The diagnosis itself i think made him feel as sense of loss of control but couple that with the treatments and I pretty much lost him for that year. While your husband may not show his affection its still in his heart. Its hard to believe but you will make it throught this.

You are both going through this but the caregiver is forgotten. Call on your family and friends for support and seek counseling. This message board is a great help. I was only directed to it recently.I wish I had this venue when I was going through it with my husband. Hearing from others in the same situation really helps.

MelanieT

BROKEN HEART said:

You are going through a very
You are going through a very difficult time and I certainly understand what you are talking about. My husband was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with stage 4 melanoma, and after several surgeries
he had to endure a year of interferon treatments. I spent that year feeling totally alone and unfortunately with not much support. The diagnosis itself i think made him feel as sense of loss of control but couple that with the treatments and I pretty much lost him for that year. While your husband may not show his affection its still in his heart. Its hard to believe but you will make it throught this.

You are both going through this but the caregiver is forgotten. Call on your family and friends for support and seek counseling. This message board is a great help. I was only directed to it recently.I wish I had this venue when I was going through it with my husband. Hearing from others in the same situation really helps.

Thank you so much everyone!!
Thank you so much everyone!! It is a very lonely thing to go through. I know its not his fault and he hates the cancer more than i do but it is very hard. I am so thankful everyday he is still here an fighting and i try not to let it get the best of me but sad to say sometimes it does. When i go out and see couples happy and showing affection, when my friends and family are planning vacations etc... life just stops for us for the time being and that sucks!!! thanks for all the kind words and knowing that i am not the only one out there helps so much ... love you all

Mel