Children of a lesser God

Hi Cindy
I too am very sorry about the lost of your Mother, I too lost my Mother to colon Cancer many years ago, she too was a good Christian women. She would not pray for herself but prayed for everyone else around her, she said I don’t need the prayers because Jesus will take care of me, those of you staying behind need the prayers more then I.

It is a hard thing to understand why God heals some people and others he does not. The only way to answer the question is to go back to the book of Genesis and understand the lie that satin told our first parents. God said don’t eat of the tree in the mist of the garden for in the day that yea eat of it you will surely die. Satin comes alone and tells a different story; that if our first parents eat of the tree they will not surely die. Because of there sin we all must die. The good news is that Jesus came and paid the price of that sin for all mankind who put there Faith in him as there savior.

Jesus knows each of us by name, there is nothing that happens to his children that he does not know about. With every trial in life, it is He who gives us the strength to go through it. I think of the story of Job, he lost everything in this world but his Faith in God was still stronger then every. To the point that God could say to satin have you considered my servant Job that there is none like him in all the world. Just think Cindy if that is what God was saying about your Mother and just maybe God has proved satin wrong again. If she was a women of faith and had other praying for her, maybe she passed the test and God saw that there was no more need for pain in her life.

We serve a God of Love, a love that none of us could begin to understand, a love so strong that He decided to take our place and die for everyone of us, that all through faith could live with Him.

God bless you Cindy

Cindy Bear said:

Thanks everyone Happy New Year
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. For understanding and not thinking me a bad person because every time I see a perky old lady at the grocery store or dollar store wtih their sneakers on and full, luxuriant heads of hair, I want to cry and scream and stomp my feet and yell , "why ? My mother should be here, why isn't she? My last memory of her, lying in a hospital bed in a drugged stupor because of the pain, bald. A nurse actually called her sir. I cannot tell you how painful that was. My mother always had fine,thin hair and she was very self conscious about it. I don't think my sisters and I realized how hard it must have been for her to lose it all. Yes I need and appreciate your prayers desperately at this difficult time. I am sorry too for your losses. I know in time, the hurt will fade. it will never completely go away, but it will fade.
Let's hope 2010 is a great year for all of us. My deepest gratitude.

My mothers last moment was
My mothers last moment was in a hospital bed drugged as well. It was the last night she was alive. I had not seen my real mother in awhile because it was her so drugged she saw grasshoppers on the wall, or she was in so much pain a 5 ft walk to the bathroom involved excruciating pain, and a walker. I ask the question why a lot too. In the end it does not change what has come.

I am not a religious person, but I am not here to in any way disrespect your mothers devout faith. Or yours. I can tell you I see my mother almost nightly in my dreams. She is there, and has some impact on my life.

I know yours has the same. You are allowed to see the pretty old lady in the store and scream why!!! It is a part of healing!!

This allows you to FEEL and get out those emotions, no matter how painful. That is key.

I know your mother will always be a part of you, and with you. I mean how can she not???
They brought us here :-)

The pain will never end. It will get easier. Unfortunately for me this is hard to accept with my hard head.

My mother dying to cervical cancer ignites a rage I can not explain. But I know she does not want me to live with that rage because it is her who gave me the greatest gift. That is how to be a person that is accepting, understanding, and giving.

Feel your pain, the more you do, the more you will heal.

Much love, and respect.

Josh

Cindy Bear said:

Thanks Josh
Hi Josh. Thank you for the words of wisdom. Yes rage is exactly what I feel. Why my mother? Why cancer, why Stage IV. She was so vigilant about her health. That's the shame She ate healthy, loved to walk, never smoked or took any hormones, rarely drank. I guess it was genetics. But she didn't have to die. Her GP wrote off all of her symptoms as old age. That's the kicker. The hip/back pain, arthritis, the little cough, "age related asthma" the spotting of blood, a kidney infection. I would like my mother's legacy to be that women kow they are not too young or too old for any of these cancers, breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine. Demand follow-up. If my mother had been more assertive, she'd still be alive. I truly believe that. I know what you mean about losing her twice. My mother wasn't the same after the Stage IV diagnosis, and then starting chemo. She was angry, depressed, scared. I remember going over to see her, shortly after she'd had a couple of chemo treatments, I went to hug her and she said, "Don't come near me, wash your hands" Apparently they'd scared the bejesus out of her, telling her that she needed to avoid all contact with anyone lest she pick up a germ. As if that would save her. The disease was alrady in her, ravaging her body , eating her organs away. The toxins they pumped into her didn't do a damn bit of good IMHO. I didn't want her to have chemo, Might have talked her out of it, by all of our relatives, family , friends said, "Oh that's good, that's treatment" She wasn't herself those last 6 mos of her life. so yes I totally understand about losing her twice to this horrible ugly disease.
I hope and pray that 2010 will bring some peace and comfort to both of us and all the other walking wounded out there.
Love and hugs,
Cindy

Anger Feelings
Cindy, Josh,and all, I so understand your feelings. I was 22 when I lost my mom to breast cancer. I was so angry and scared, I couldn't stand it. My dad died when I was 6 so my mom was also dad. My mom was diagnosed in Jan., given 2 years to live and we buried her July 20, 1978 (6 months later). I really felt cheated and was more angry than I can express. I was completely lost for 2 yrs after her passing. I, like Cindy, wish I could have told her not to take the chemo as it didn't improve her life but in fact robbed her of the last 6 months she had. In the end, my siblings and I prayed for God to take her home because she was in a comma. I still get angry about that after all this time. She saw her gyno faithfully, so how could she get breat cancer to the point where it is a life sentence? I still don't understand that and I still blame that doctor for her death! She didn't do her job right or she would have caught the cancer before it was at the point of no return. I still see people enjoying lunches, etc. with their mothers and my heart hurts. I still miss her today. So the point to this is to say, we all have the right to greeve and be jealous. It doesn't make us bad people. I am very sorry for all your losses but please know that God will get you thru this. Josh, time does help ease the pain.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Cindy Bear said:

Thank you
Thank you Fay. Your words comforted me and made me cry at the same time. There is comfort in tears too. I know I am entitled to my feelings and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling this way. But in addtion to my anger and grief, I am so jealous and I worry that makes me a bad person. A good friend was taking her 93 yr old mother to lunch today to celebrate her bday. 93 yrs old... my mother didn't live to see 80. Another coworker complains about his 91 yr old mother incessantly and yet another is caretaker for her 94 yr old MIL. Why.. I keep asking why. There are no answers I guess. We must all deal with the cards we've been dealt.
I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose a spouse.
Be well and have a safe and wonderful holiday.

I can relate
I can relate to your feelings of jealosy and anger. I am 21 years old and my mom passed away a few weeks ago from stage 4 colon cancer. She was only 51. I'm in college and I see students talking to their mom on the phone or going out and having fun with out a care in the world. I see how they still rely on their parents for everything because their parents are still around to help them. I do have my dad, and he is a wonderful dad, but I'm just so jealous that so many other people my age have their mom to call, and have their moms at their weddings, etc. I'm even jealous of everyone older than me who still have their moms. My mom was beautiful, and honestly, if I had to pick between having the mom I had for 21 years vs. a different mom for a longer period of time- I would choose my mom because she made these 21 years just more perfect than I could ever imagine or hope for.

I'm also going through some anger towards God. When mom was sick, I watched videos of preachers talking about God's love for us and all the miracles he provided for so many people. I also watch people's stories about how God healed them or their loved ones. And they said "just believe, have faith and receive" and I did everything they did, I truly love God with all of my heart and the same can be said for my mom and all of my family. So why didn't it work for us?- is what I was thinking. It's hard for me to pray right now. Not because I don't love God or I don't think he exists anymore or anything like that, I guess I just feel dissappointed. And I know He understands my feelings. I guess I just really wish He could tell me why.