Children of a lesser God

Cindy Bear

My mother passed away June 2009 from Stage IV uterine cancer. My sisters and are trying very hard to deal with our shock, anger and disbelief. (She was diagnosed in Feb and 4 mos later was gone) We've made progress but it's still hard. Yesterday, my supervisor, whose mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma back in July or August of this year, told us the good news that her mother's pet scan this week was clear. Stage IV lymphoma in the bone marrow and now clear. She said, "I guess all those prayers and well wishes really worked" I just felt myself bristle. Don't get me wrong, I am glad her mother is doing well. But what about my mother? What about al the prayers and well wishes. What about the prayer chains I joined and the fact that my mother was a devout Catholic that never missed Sunday mass and prayed the rosary in bed at night. Is God playing favorites? That's how I feel. No fair playing favorites God, no fair.
Does this make me a horrible person? I am jealous that her mother had a clear pet scan.

grandmafay

Anger and Resentment
Being angry at God is a sure sign of your faith. Your reaction is normal. My husband passed away 2 months ago tomorrow. He, too, was a strong Christian and a leader in our church. Many prayed for him. He lived longer than expected, but he was never cured. I take comfort, though, in my belief that he was healed. God often doesn't answer our prayers the way we want Him to. Why? I don't know. I can only believe that there is purpose in what happens. A book I have recommended to others that helped both my husband and me is When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I can't say I never question God because I do. That, too, is a sign of faith. Toward the end, my prayers were for a quick and peaceful passing. Those prayers were answered as I wanted. I am very sorry that you lost your mother. I'm sure you have many good memories. Hold those close to your heart. Hugs and prayers, Fay

Cindy Bear

Thank you
Thank you Fay. Your words comforted me and made me cry at the same time. There is comfort in tears too. I know I am entitled to my feelings and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling this way. But in addtion to my anger and grief, I am so jealous and I worry that makes me a bad person. A good friend was taking her 93 yr old mother to lunch today to celebrate her bday. 93 yrs old... my mother didn't live to see 80. Another coworker complains about his 91 yr old mother incessantly and yet another is caretaker for her 94 yr old MIL. Why.. I keep asking why. There are no answers I guess. We must all deal with the cards we've been dealt.
I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose a spouse.
Be well and have a safe and wonderful holiday.

grandmafay

Cindy Bear said:

Thank you
Thank you Fay. Your words comforted me and made me cry at the same time. There is comfort in tears too. I know I am entitled to my feelings and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling this way. But in addtion to my anger and grief, I am so jealous and I worry that makes me a bad person. A good friend was taking her 93 yr old mother to lunch today to celebrate her bday. 93 yrs old... my mother didn't live to see 80. Another coworker complains about his 91 yr old mother incessantly and yet another is caretaker for her 94 yr old MIL. Why.. I keep asking why. There are no answers I guess. We must all deal with the cards we've been dealt.
I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose a spouse.
Be well and have a safe and wonderful holiday.

No Need for Guilt
There is no need for guilt. We all mourn the life we had or expected, and anger is a part of the mourning process. Jealousy is a part of that, too. Take care, Fay

Hondo

Hi Cindy
I too am very sorry about the lost of your Mother, I too lost my Mother to colon Cancer many years ago, she too was a good Christian women. She would not pray for herself but prayed for everyone else around her, she said I don’t need the prayers because Jesus will take care of me, those of you staying behind need the prayers more then I.

It is a hard thing to understand why God heals some people and others he does not. The only way to answer the question is to go back to the book of Genesis and understand the lie that satin told our first parents. God said don’t eat of the tree in the mist of the garden for in the day that yea eat of it you will surely die. Satin comes alone and tells a different story; that if our first parents eat of the tree they will not surely die. Because of there sin we all must die. The good news is that Jesus came and paid the price of that sin for all mankind who put there Faith in him as there savior.

Jesus knows each of us by name, there is nothing that happens to his children that he does not know about. With every trial in life, it is He who gives us the strength to go through it. I think of the story of Job, he lost everything in this world but his Faith in God was still stronger then every. To the point that God could say to satin have you considered my servant Job that there is none like him in all the world. Just think Cindy if that is what God was saying about your Mother and just maybe God has proved satin wrong again. If she was a women of faith and had other praying for her, maybe she passed the test and God saw that there was no more need for pain in her life.

We serve a God of Love, a love that none of us could begin to understand, a love so strong that He decided to take our place and die for everyone of us, that all through faith could live with Him.

God bless you Cindy

RE

Sorry for your loss
Hello Cindy, I am truly sorry for your loss I lost my mom after she battled several cancers over a span of 23 years. Please do not think you are a bad person because you feel angry or jealous at others who still have their mom, you are simply human. It took years for me not to feel a pang of anger when I would see someone out enjoying time with their mom, now I just feel wishful. It was never that I wished their mom dead, it was just that I wanted to recapture the happiness they were having with their mom. Hold onto your faith Cindy, it sounds like your mom did which is truly a blessing as there are many who never find faith. It is not that your mom was any less worthy of being healed it was just not to be, for reason's unbeknownst to us God called her home her work here was done. I also lost my sister to cancer in 2007 and I found myself sitting on her kitchen floor pleading with God to take her she was ready even if I was not, she died only a few hours later and I thanked the Lord for healing her and taking her home. Hold tightly to the things that were your mom, her faith, her laughter, cherished memories she is still in existence Cindy just not in a way we are familiar with. I wish you better day's ahead, you most certainly do not seem like a bad person to me you seem more like a loving daughter.

Take Care,

RE

Cindy Bear

Thanks everyone Happy New Year
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. For understanding and not thinking me a bad person because every time I see a perky old lady at the grocery store or dollar store wtih their sneakers on and full, luxuriant heads of hair, I want to cry and scream and stomp my feet and yell , "why ? My mother should be here, why isn't she? My last memory of her, lying in a hospital bed in a drugged stupor because of the pain, bald. A nurse actually called her sir. I cannot tell you how painful that was. My mother always had fine,thin hair and she was very self conscious about it. I don't think my sisters and I realized how hard it must have been for her to lose it all. Yes I need and appreciate your prayers desperately at this difficult time. I am sorry too for your losses. I know in time, the hurt will fade. it will never completely go away, but it will fade.
Let's hope 2010 is a great year for all of us. My deepest gratitude.

grandmafay

Cindy Bear said:

Thanks everyone Happy New Year
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. For understanding and not thinking me a bad person because every time I see a perky old lady at the grocery store or dollar store wtih their sneakers on and full, luxuriant heads of hair, I want to cry and scream and stomp my feet and yell , "why ? My mother should be here, why isn't she? My last memory of her, lying in a hospital bed in a drugged stupor because of the pain, bald. A nurse actually called her sir. I cannot tell you how painful that was. My mother always had fine,thin hair and she was very self conscious about it. I don't think my sisters and I realized how hard it must have been for her to lose it all. Yes I need and appreciate your prayers desperately at this difficult time. I am sorry too for your losses. I know in time, the hurt will fade. it will never completely go away, but it will fade.
Let's hope 2010 is a great year for all of us. My deepest gratitude.

Peace in the New Year
I hope you, too, find peace in the new year. I found myself cringing at every happy new year. I'm having trouble seeing myself as truly happy. I'm sure that will come in time for all of us, but for now, I wish you peace and love. Fay

JAW19

Cindy Bear said:

Thanks everyone Happy New Year
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. For understanding and not thinking me a bad person because every time I see a perky old lady at the grocery store or dollar store wtih their sneakers on and full, luxuriant heads of hair, I want to cry and scream and stomp my feet and yell , "why ? My mother should be here, why isn't she? My last memory of her, lying in a hospital bed in a drugged stupor because of the pain, bald. A nurse actually called her sir. I cannot tell you how painful that was. My mother always had fine,thin hair and she was very self conscious about it. I don't think my sisters and I realized how hard it must have been for her to lose it all. Yes I need and appreciate your prayers desperately at this difficult time. I am sorry too for your losses. I know in time, the hurt will fade. it will never completely go away, but it will fade.
Let's hope 2010 is a great year for all of us. My deepest gratitude.

My mothers last moment was
My mothers last moment was in a hospital bed drugged as well. It was the last night she was alive. I had not seen my real mother in awhile because it was her so drugged she saw grasshoppers on the wall, or she was in so much pain a 5 ft walk to the bathroom involved excruciating pain, and a walker. I ask the question why a lot too. In the end it does not change what has come.

I am not a religious person, but I am not here to in any way disrespect your mothers devout faith. Or yours. I can tell you I see my mother almost nightly in my dreams. She is there, and has some impact on my life.

I know yours has the same. You are allowed to see the pretty old lady in the store and scream why!!! It is a part of healing!!

This allows you to FEEL and get out those emotions, no matter how painful. That is key.

I know your mother will always be a part of you, and with you. I mean how can she not???
They brought us here :-)

The pain will never end. It will get easier. Unfortunately for me this is hard to accept with my hard head.

My mother dying to cervical cancer ignites a rage I can not explain. But I know she does not want me to live with that rage because it is her who gave me the greatest gift. That is how to be a person that is accepting, understanding, and giving.

Feel your pain, the more you do, the more you will heal.

Much love, and respect.

Josh

Cindy Bear

Thanks Josh
Hi Josh. Thank you for the words of wisdom. Yes rage is exactly what I feel. Why my mother? Why cancer, why Stage IV. She was so vigilant about her health. That's the shame She ate healthy, loved to walk, never smoked or took any hormones, rarely drank. I guess it was genetics. But she didn't have to die. Her GP wrote off all of her symptoms as old age. That's the kicker. The hip/back pain, arthritis, the little cough, "age related asthma" the spotting of blood, a kidney infection. I would like my mother's legacy to be that women kow they are not too young or too old for any of these cancers, breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine. Demand follow-up. If my mother had been more assertive, she'd still be alive. I truly believe that. I know what you mean about losing her twice. My mother wasn't the same after the Stage IV diagnosis, and then starting chemo. She was angry, depressed, scared. I remember going over to see her, shortly after she'd had a couple of chemo treatments, I went to hug her and she said, "Don't come near me, wash your hands" Apparently they'd scared the bejesus out of her, telling her that she needed to avoid all contact with anyone lest she pick up a germ. As if that would save her. The disease was alrady in her, ravaging her body , eating her organs away. The toxins they pumped into her didn't do a damn bit of good IMHO. I didn't want her to have chemo, Might have talked her out of it, by all of our relatives, family , friends said, "Oh that's good, that's treatment" She wasn't herself those last 6 mos of her life. so yes I totally understand about losing her twice to this horrible ugly disease.
I hope and pray that 2010 will bring some peace and comfort to both of us and all the other walking wounded out there.
Love and hugs,
Cindy

debbiejeanne

Cindy Bear said:

Thanks Josh
Hi Josh. Thank you for the words of wisdom. Yes rage is exactly what I feel. Why my mother? Why cancer, why Stage IV. She was so vigilant about her health. That's the shame She ate healthy, loved to walk, never smoked or took any hormones, rarely drank. I guess it was genetics. But she didn't have to die. Her GP wrote off all of her symptoms as old age. That's the kicker. The hip/back pain, arthritis, the little cough, "age related asthma" the spotting of blood, a kidney infection. I would like my mother's legacy to be that women kow they are not too young or too old for any of these cancers, breast, cervical, ovarian, uterine. Demand follow-up. If my mother had been more assertive, she'd still be alive. I truly believe that. I know what you mean about losing her twice. My mother wasn't the same after the Stage IV diagnosis, and then starting chemo. She was angry, depressed, scared. I remember going over to see her, shortly after she'd had a couple of chemo treatments, I went to hug her and she said, "Don't come near me, wash your hands" Apparently they'd scared the bejesus out of her, telling her that she needed to avoid all contact with anyone lest she pick up a germ. As if that would save her. The disease was alrady in her, ravaging her body , eating her organs away. The toxins they pumped into her didn't do a damn bit of good IMHO. I didn't want her to have chemo, Might have talked her out of it, by all of our relatives, family , friends said, "Oh that's good, that's treatment" She wasn't herself those last 6 mos of her life. so yes I totally understand about losing her twice to this horrible ugly disease.
I hope and pray that 2010 will bring some peace and comfort to both of us and all the other walking wounded out there.
Love and hugs,
Cindy

Anger Feelings
Cindy, Josh,and all, I so understand your feelings. I was 22 when I lost my mom to breast cancer. I was so angry and scared, I couldn't stand it. My dad died when I was 6 so my mom was also dad. My mom was diagnosed in Jan., given 2 years to live and we buried her July 20, 1978 (6 months later). I really felt cheated and was more angry than I can express. I was completely lost for 2 yrs after her passing. I, like Cindy, wish I could have told her not to take the chemo as it didn't improve her life but in fact robbed her of the last 6 months she had. In the end, my siblings and I prayed for God to take her home because she was in a comma. I still get angry about that after all this time. She saw her gyno faithfully, so how could she get breat cancer to the point where it is a life sentence? I still don't understand that and I still blame that doctor for her death! She didn't do her job right or she would have caught the cancer before it was at the point of no return. I still see people enjoying lunches, etc. with their mothers and my heart hurts. I still miss her today. So the point to this is to say, we all have the right to greeve and be jealous. It doesn't make us bad people. I am very sorry for all your losses but please know that God will get you thru this. Josh, time does help ease the pain.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Cindy Bear

debbiejeanne said:

Anger Feelings
Cindy, Josh,and all, I so understand your feelings. I was 22 when I lost my mom to breast cancer. I was so angry and scared, I couldn't stand it. My dad died when I was 6 so my mom was also dad. My mom was diagnosed in Jan., given 2 years to live and we buried her July 20, 1978 (6 months later). I really felt cheated and was more angry than I can express. I was completely lost for 2 yrs after her passing. I, like Cindy, wish I could have told her not to take the chemo as it didn't improve her life but in fact robbed her of the last 6 months she had. In the end, my siblings and I prayed for God to take her home because she was in a comma. I still get angry about that after all this time. She saw her gyno faithfully, so how could she get breat cancer to the point where it is a life sentence? I still don't understand that and I still blame that doctor for her death! She didn't do her job right or she would have caught the cancer before it was at the point of no return. I still see people enjoying lunches, etc. with their mothers and my heart hurts. I still miss her today. So the point to this is to say, we all have the right to greeve and be jealous. It doesn't make us bad people. I am very sorry for all your losses but please know that God will get you thru this. Josh, time does help ease the pain.
Sincerely,
Debbie

Thamks Debbie
Hi Debbie. Thanks for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss. You were so young then. I know the pain will lessen with time but never completely go away. I am so glad that I have found people who understand my rage and grief. Yes I blame my mother's doctor too. It's not his fault she got cancer but because he had his head up his a** she wasn't diagnosed until very late stges. I will never forgive him for that. It's funny that you mention the 2 yrs of being lost. A good friend that I've known since first grade (I''m in my 40's now) lost both of his parents at a relatively young age. He was just telling me that it took about 2 yrs before he could really start to absorb the loss and come to terms with it. I know time is my friend right now and things will get better. I know rage isn't healthy but it helped me cope at first. It helped me find the strength to make funeral arrangements, go back to work, function at some level. As long as I stayed angry, I didn't crumple into a heap and fall on the floor . My rage propelled me forward. I know if my mother was here, she say, No more anger, no more tears. Get on with your life. But it's so hard when the person that gave you life is gone and though she had advanced cancer, her death was sudden. We were told she was "Doing so well" MY sister took her to the hospital Fri. morning in horrible pain and she never left the hospital. She died that evening. We were still trying to digest the fact that she had cancer, that it was stage IV, then we were burying her. How does that happen..
Anyhow, Thank you for your kind words. Hugs, Cindy

dove33

Cindy Bear said:

Thank you
Thank you Fay. Your words comforted me and made me cry at the same time. There is comfort in tears too. I know I am entitled to my feelings and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for feeling this way. But in addtion to my anger and grief, I am so jealous and I worry that makes me a bad person. A good friend was taking her 93 yr old mother to lunch today to celebrate her bday. 93 yrs old... my mother didn't live to see 80. Another coworker complains about his 91 yr old mother incessantly and yet another is caretaker for her 94 yr old MIL. Why.. I keep asking why. There are no answers I guess. We must all deal with the cards we've been dealt.
I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to lose a spouse.
Be well and have a safe and wonderful holiday.

I can relate
I can relate to your feelings of jealosy and anger. I am 21 years old and my mom passed away a few weeks ago from stage 4 colon cancer. She was only 51. I'm in college and I see students talking to their mom on the phone or going out and having fun with out a care in the world. I see how they still rely on their parents for everything because their parents are still around to help them. I do have my dad, and he is a wonderful dad, but I'm just so jealous that so many other people my age have their mom to call, and have their moms at their weddings, etc. I'm even jealous of everyone older than me who still have their moms. My mom was beautiful, and honestly, if I had to pick between having the mom I had for 21 years vs. a different mom for a longer period of time- I would choose my mom because she made these 21 years just more perfect than I could ever imagine or hope for.

I'm also going through some anger towards God. When mom was sick, I watched videos of preachers talking about God's love for us and all the miracles he provided for so many people. I also watch people's stories about how God healed them or their loved ones. And they said "just believe, have faith and receive" and I did everything they did, I truly love God with all of my heart and the same can be said for my mom and all of my family. So why didn't it work for us?- is what I was thinking. It's hard for me to pray right now. Not because I don't love God or I don't think he exists anymore or anything like that, I guess I just feel dissappointed. And I know He understands my feelings. I guess I just really wish He could tell me why.

grandmafay

dove33 said:

I can relate
I can relate to your feelings of jealosy and anger. I am 21 years old and my mom passed away a few weeks ago from stage 4 colon cancer. She was only 51. I'm in college and I see students talking to their mom on the phone or going out and having fun with out a care in the world. I see how they still rely on their parents for everything because their parents are still around to help them. I do have my dad, and he is a wonderful dad, but I'm just so jealous that so many other people my age have their mom to call, and have their moms at their weddings, etc. I'm even jealous of everyone older than me who still have their moms. My mom was beautiful, and honestly, if I had to pick between having the mom I had for 21 years vs. a different mom for a longer period of time- I would choose my mom because she made these 21 years just more perfect than I could ever imagine or hope for.

I'm also going through some anger towards God. When mom was sick, I watched videos of preachers talking about God's love for us and all the miracles he provided for so many people. I also watch people's stories about how God healed them or their loved ones. And they said "just believe, have faith and receive" and I did everything they did, I truly love God with all of my heart and the same can be said for my mom and all of my family. So why didn't it work for us?- is what I was thinking. It's hard for me to pray right now. Not because I don't love God or I don't think he exists anymore or anything like that, I guess I just feel dissappointed. And I know He understands my feelings. I guess I just really wish He could tell me why.

Higher Plan
I didn't want your post to get lost. I believe in miracles, but sometimes we don't get the ones we want. Being mad at God is a sure sign of your faith. If we didn't believe in his existence, we couldn't be mad at him. I have to believe that there is a higher plan that we don't have the capacity to understand now. I don't believe that cancer is a punishment. My husband's death did not come about because we didn't pray enough or in the right way. He was healed, but he wasn't cured. Why some are cured and others are not, we just don't know. Our prayers and those of friends, family, and even strangers helped us through a difficult time. We did feel uplifted by them. We were also blessed with more time than we expected. We had a very good medical team. Did prayer help with that? We just don't know. Please don't be too hard on yourself for being angry and jealous. Of course you feel that way. You don't want their mothers to die, you just wish yours was still here. You are facing a tremendous loss at a young age. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Hugs and prayers, Fay