marriage
Comments
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hi!
You should speak to a counselor if you can, it could help you. I will PM you my home phone number if you want to chat woman to woman. I am avaiable to you any time!
Me, I am not the same person that I was before cancer, but fortunately or unfortunately, this cancer has made more of what my husbands wants. Someone that needs him. I have always been independent both in my life, my career and my home. Now, I rely a lot on my husband now and he likes it, it drives me insane! I know that is not much help, it's how the person it acting or reacting that makes life hell. Probably need to ask yourself, is cancer affecting my marriage or was it like that all the time and kept together with a band aid. Something to think about. Please feel free to PM me. I will send you my phone number.
I wish you weren't hurting so much!0 -
GOOD/BAD MARRIAGE
I'm truly sorry you're going through such a bad time with your marriage on top of your problems with cancer. How was your marriage before your DX? If it was good, then your husband is probably going through the same emotional roller coaster you are and needs time to sort things out in his own mind. If your marriage was already bad, it probably won't get better with your sickness since you're going to have to depend on him A LOT during your fight with cancer. If that's the case and marriage counseling is not agreeable to him, go alone to a psychologist that can help you sort throught YOUR feelings. Maybe then you'll have the strength to kick him to the curb. I feel that being alone with good friends and family to support you is lots better than living with a jerk who you need to worry about.
I also found that Bach Rescue Remedy helps me a lot when I get anxious. You can find it in most health food stores and it's only about $13. It really cuts the edge off you anxiety and you're able to relax.
Have faith in God. He's all you really need.
Good Luck,
Laureen0 -
I know this is easier saidminibull said:GOOD/BAD MARRIAGE
I'm truly sorry you're going through such a bad time with your marriage on top of your problems with cancer. How was your marriage before your DX? If it was good, then your husband is probably going through the same emotional roller coaster you are and needs time to sort things out in his own mind. If your marriage was already bad, it probably won't get better with your sickness since you're going to have to depend on him A LOT during your fight with cancer. If that's the case and marriage counseling is not agreeable to him, go alone to a psychologist that can help you sort throught YOUR feelings. Maybe then you'll have the strength to kick him to the curb. I feel that being alone with good friends and family to support you is lots better than living with a jerk who you need to worry about.
I also found that Bach Rescue Remedy helps me a lot when I get anxious. You can find it in most health food stores and it's only about $13. It really cuts the edge off you anxiety and you're able to relax.
Have faith in God. He's all you really need.
Good Luck,
Laureen
PI know this is easier said than done,
it took me several years to accomplish it after
a few traumas that hit my life,B.C (before cancer)
there is no point in being freaked out by something over which you have no control,
what happens ,will happen,whether you stay up all night crying, or get a good night's sleep.
what will happen ,will happen,whether you pace the floor all day, or spend a peacful day
tending your garden.
Stress is NOT good for your health,or your marriage.
it should be avoided at all costs.
you can make a decision to not be freaked (yes,you can.)
it is not easy, it does not work all the time.It takes effort.
Ask yourself what you have to gain, by being freaked out?
I am not meaning to seem cold or unsympathetic,we are all in the same boat.
The person who gave me this same advice changed my life
I lost count on how many sleepless teary nights,I have had in my life.
but now they are few and far between.
"God grant me the strengh to change that which I can change,
the serenity to accept that which I can not change ,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
"When you change the way you think of things,
the things you think of change."
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I will pray that you find peace.
God bless
Kate
p.s. I have been divorced twice,
once as a battered wife,
and the second time because my son ,9 years old ,was diagnosed with a mental illness and hubby couldn't handle it.
I do understand and I do empathize.
kate0 -
It's difficult at times
As rough as cancer is on US, it's hard on those closest to us too. We've had ups and downs. I suggest (too) to seek out a counselor. It's good because you gain an better understanding of what he's going through and he can understand more about what you are going through.
Also, I know there are differing school so of thought on this but have you looked into any medication. I take and anti-depressant and it's helped a lot with my emotional state.
-phil0 -
Marriage
First of all,they are right ,you need to get yourself some medication for the stress ,and anxiaty.You have a full plate right now with all you have to deal with.I have seen many spouses leave when cancer is dx.If you cannot get the support,and help you need .Then what good is he?,Start with the medication,and go from there.I'll be praying for you.0 -
So sorry
I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. I so wish things were different. I think all of us have been through changes since diagnosis, and it's bound to change our relatiionships one way or the other. I hope that you will get some counseling, with or withour your husband. You can't carry around all this pressure. It's not good at all for your health.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Colleen,tootsie1 said:So sorry
I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you. I so wish things were different. I think all of us have been through changes since diagnosis, and it's bound to change our relatiionships one way or the other. I hope that you will get some counseling, with or withour your husband. You can't carry around all this pressure. It's not good at all for your health.
*hugs*
Gail
I love Kathy's post, she is so right, especially about the friends distancing themselves, and how Stress does play a huge factor on your body as well.
Flashback to 2006-2008, were horrible times in my marriage, we wouldn't fight alot, we just didn't talk alot either. I was going to school, my husband was working long hours, I was trying to juggle school, kids, cooking and cleaning, and believe me, I was stressed! I felt like I was doing everything, and all he did was "work", even when I got a job, after college, I was still doing it "ALL", he hardly spent time with the kids, didn't try to help clean or cook, he would work 6 days a week, and yeah, I know he was tired, but I sure was as well, we were just "distant", just didn't have a relationship at all, felt like I was living with my brother.
Forward to January of 2009, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cc that spread to the liver, and you know what? for the first time in 15 years, my husband cried! he never cries! he heard my dx, and just about lost it! he took it worse them me. This year he took an early leave from work, and all he wants to do now is take care of me, this cancer actually brought us closer together, and he has such a positive attitude that I'm going to live a long time with this, he never talks negative about it, just helps clean and cook now, takes my son fishing now, he has become more fun to the kids. I am glad, because I talked to him about that, and said I didn't want him to be unemotionally detached from the kids, he needed to be close to them, and not have them rely on me as well...I am really happy that he has driven the 2 hours back and forth every other week to my chemo treatments, drove to the hospital and spent all nights awake while I was in surgery, and not wanting to leave my side, I thought "Wow, what a change in him"....I think this cancer just brought us to a spot where we found ourselves again, and are in love again. I don't know what I'd do without him anymore.
I do agree that if you aren't on any anti-depressants, try it, and maybe your hubby can use it as well. I think my hubby could use it as well, and wish he would, I know this has to be just as hard on them, as it is us, I am on Zoloft 100mg, and it really does help me be less weepy, and not dwell on dark thoughts. I hope this helps, and hope things do get better for you. A counselor will work only if you both want it too...
Hugsss!
~Donna0 -
I am truly sorry you
I am truly sorry you are having this trouble. It hits pretty close to where I live. My wife did not want to know about cancer. It scared her and she was certain I would die. I did everything I could to re=assure her and me including surviving. Unfortunately survival did not mean good health and she got sick and tired of me being sick,found another man and asked me to get out of her life. I did and I thought it would kill me but it didn't,seems I have this survival gene. I had two options to either hate her or keep on loving her. I chose the second and she rings me nearly every day. She considerers me her best friend. I know it sounds weird but at least I still have part of what we once had,as for what I've lost I HATE CANCER. I guess the moral of the story is to try and find some happiness whatever the situation. I hope things get a whole lot better for you. Ron.0 -
Colleenron50 said:I am truly sorry you
I am truly sorry you are having this trouble. It hits pretty close to where I live. My wife did not want to know about cancer. It scared her and she was certain I would die. I did everything I could to re=assure her and me including surviving. Unfortunately survival did not mean good health and she got sick and tired of me being sick,found another man and asked me to get out of her life. I did and I thought it would kill me but it didn't,seems I have this survival gene. I had two options to either hate her or keep on loving her. I chose the second and she rings me nearly every day. She considerers me her best friend. I know it sounds weird but at least I still have part of what we once had,as for what I've lost I HATE CANCER. I guess the moral of the story is to try and find some happiness whatever the situation. I hope things get a whole lot better for you. Ron.
I know what your situation is and I can truly understand what you are going through. My mom went through the same with dad before his cancer. He stayed not in a bar but drank at home constantly so the house was in a state of confusion and quite frankly I being a lot younger thank my mom for going through the hell she went through and still keeping the family together. I think the world of her for doing that for all 4 of us children. Even though it was kind of abusive at times (belt whippings from dad when he drank to much) it taught me how not to raise my children. She did suffer from the abuse (mostly verbal) but managed to stay there. If you had no children and as you said before had been doing this for 4 years. I think I would have already been gone, but I don't know all the circumstances. How much stress are you willing to stand ? How long do you want to continue to live like this ? The only real answer you will get is when you give him two decisions and for him to make one of them, either come home at night and comfort you, or he will have ample time to do all the drinking he wants with his friends.....Sorry Reba, (cause you look just like her) tough love is sometimes a hard decision to make but for the most part the best one.......Love and Hope.....Clift0 -
Take care of yourself
Dear Confused1,
Please listen to those here who tell you to speak with a counselor and see your doctor for some medication. The medication will help calm the nerves and talking to someone will give your feeling and emotions someplace to go.
Stress does so many bad things to us and to continue this way only puts your life in danger. There is so much wisdom in the posts here I won't repeat what they have said but you need to be important to you. I know that when I was diagnosed a friend from a local church called and told me they have a Stephens ministry where a person can get emotional support from volunteers from the church. It is kind of like having a sounding board. This does not take the place of professional counseling but it is just one more option.
I pray that soon you will have peace and joy.
Jan0 -
MarriageBuzzard said:Colleen
I know what your situation is and I can truly understand what you are going through. My mom went through the same with dad before his cancer. He stayed not in a bar but drank at home constantly so the house was in a state of confusion and quite frankly I being a lot younger thank my mom for going through the hell she went through and still keeping the family together. I think the world of her for doing that for all 4 of us children. Even though it was kind of abusive at times (belt whippings from dad when he drank to much) it taught me how not to raise my children. She did suffer from the abuse (mostly verbal) but managed to stay there. If you had no children and as you said before had been doing this for 4 years. I think I would have already been gone, but I don't know all the circumstances. How much stress are you willing to stand ? How long do you want to continue to live like this ? The only real answer you will get is when you give him two decisions and for him to make one of them, either come home at night and comfort you, or he will have ample time to do all the drinking he wants with his friends.....Sorry Reba, (cause you look just like her) tough love is sometimes a hard decision to make but for the most part the best one.......Love and Hope.....Clift
I have been told like 10 times in my life that I look like Reba. I don't think I do but.......Anyway yes he has been doing it for year's. I am not sure if it is the age difference or not . Because he just turned 36 yrs. old last Sunday. And I will be 51yrs. the end of Jan. But he is very abusive verbally. We have a 5 yr. old together. Like for example of the verbal abuse he said yesterday that he wishes I were dead so he could replace my daughter's mother. Well u can imagine what i thought when he said that. He goes to the bar every night until wee hrs. of the morning. He said he does it because I witch (****) at him. Well I think any man or women would. I don't understand why I think I still love him but I feel that I do . We have been together 11 yrs. Either I still love him or I am worried about being alone through this.. But all I do all day is think about what he is doing and miss him. I konw I stupid me. I thank everyone for there imput. I helps some what. Hugs COLLEEN0 -
Marriagethready said:Take care of yourself
Dear Confused1,
Please listen to those here who tell you to speak with a counselor and see your doctor for some medication. The medication will help calm the nerves and talking to someone will give your feeling and emotions someplace to go.
Stress does so many bad things to us and to continue this way only puts your life in danger. There is so much wisdom in the posts here I won't repeat what they have said but you need to be important to you. I know that when I was diagnosed a friend from a local church called and told me they have a Stephens ministry where a person can get emotional support from volunteers from the church. It is kind of like having a sounding board. This does not take the place of professional counseling but it is just one more option.
I pray that soon you will have peace and joy.
Jan
I am on what I call Happy pills. I may need to have the milagrams upped. Beacause I think they are only 20 milagrams. And I no I need to go to church and get some spiritual thing's in my life. Everyone pray's for me except me. I feel like a hipocrete(sp) because it seems like the only time that I talk to him is when I am in trouble. Thanks again for your input. LOVE COLLEEN0 -
You deserve betterconfused1 said:Marriage
I have been told like 10 times in my life that I look like Reba. I don't think I do but.......Anyway yes he has been doing it for year's. I am not sure if it is the age difference or not . Because he just turned 36 yrs. old last Sunday. And I will be 51yrs. the end of Jan. But he is very abusive verbally. We have a 5 yr. old together. Like for example of the verbal abuse he said yesterday that he wishes I were dead so he could replace my daughter's mother. Well u can imagine what i thought when he said that. He goes to the bar every night until wee hrs. of the morning. He said he does it because I witch (****) at him. Well I think any man or women would. I don't understand why I think I still love him but I feel that I do . We have been together 11 yrs. Either I still love him or I am worried about being alone through this.. But all I do all day is think about what he is doing and miss him. I konw I stupid me. I thank everyone for there imput. I helps some what. Hugs COLLEEN
Oh Colleen,
You deserve so much better than this! YOu really should talk to someone, you need to have support while you go through this, we are here for you but maybe a professional wold be a good idea. Please look into this, even if you were not sick you shouldn't have to take that kind of verbal abuse. I wish I knew him, cause I want to kick his a%%!!!!!!!!!
I have gotten very feisty since I have battled the beast and I won't take any crap from anyone anymore. When you have faced down the cancer monster, the rest of the monsters are easier to take down.........
Be strong, you are worthy of love and respect.
Kathy0 -
as a previously batteredconfused1 said:Marriage
I am on what I call Happy pills. I may need to have the milagrams upped. Beacause I think they are only 20 milagrams. And I no I need to go to church and get some spiritual thing's in my life. Everyone pray's for me except me. I feel like a hipocrete(sp) because it seems like the only time that I talk to him is when I am in trouble. Thanks again for your input. LOVE COLLEEN
as a previously battered women,
physically and mentally,
I have to say a man that would say such things to you,
(especially when you are going thru this cancer!)
is a man you should have no use for.
It was very difficult for me to leave my abusive husband,
i cried and was stressed out all the time.
but then I WAS CALM.
no more heart skipping a beat when i heard the front door open
no more holding my breath until i could judge his mood.
no more wondering with everthing i did 'will this make him mad?'
do you have any family or good friends that can help and support
you while you go thru this?
I know you don't believe this now,but being in a marriage this bad ,
is much worse than being alone.
if he won't go to counseling with you(I TRIED FOR 3 YRS -HE KEPT SAYING THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG!) then you go alone,but GO!
I will pray for you
GOD BLESS
kATE0 -
So Sorryconfused1 said:Marriage
I am on what I call Happy pills. I may need to have the milagrams upped. Beacause I think they are only 20 milagrams. And I no I need to go to church and get some spiritual thing's in my life. Everyone pray's for me except me. I feel like a hipocrete(sp) because it seems like the only time that I talk to him is when I am in trouble. Thanks again for your input. LOVE COLLEEN
Dear Colleen,
It took my breath away when I read your post. LOVE DOES NOT HURT. Love is alot of things and can endure alot but it should never ever ever be mean and viscous. You mentioned that it might be his age...This kind of behaviour is not appropriate or ok at any age. You don't want your child to think it is ok to be so disrespectful. You are a beautiful person, the mother of his child and deserve sooooooo much more. I really encourage you to get some counseling. You have a battle ahead of you and you need to surround yourself with encouraging, sympathetic people. We are all here for you and will support you any way we can. Sometimes its better to be alone and have peace than live with someone who belittles and upsets you.
As far a feeling like a hypocrite....don't. God wants us to talk to Him all the time. He welcomes your prayers and will be there for you. Please put yourself and your little one in a better place. You really need to take good care of yourself right now.
I will be praying for you and your family. Hugs
Debbie (gramma)0 -
Yowza!grammadebbie said:So Sorry
Dear Colleen,
It took my breath away when I read your post. LOVE DOES NOT HURT. Love is alot of things and can endure alot but it should never ever ever be mean and viscous. You mentioned that it might be his age...This kind of behaviour is not appropriate or ok at any age. You don't want your child to think it is ok to be so disrespectful. You are a beautiful person, the mother of his child and deserve sooooooo much more. I really encourage you to get some counseling. You have a battle ahead of you and you need to surround yourself with encouraging, sympathetic people. We are all here for you and will support you any way we can. Sometimes its better to be alone and have peace than live with someone who belittles and upsets you.
As far a feeling like a hypocrite....don't. God wants us to talk to Him all the time. He welcomes your prayers and will be there for you. Please put yourself and your little one in a better place. You really need to take good care of yourself right now.
I will be praying for you and your family. Hugs
Debbie (gramma)
I didn't think he was abusing you and treating you like a doormat Colleen, this guy needs to be kicked to the curb, nothing will help him unlesss HE wants it, otherwise, I be darned I have my kids around people like that. They are learning from you. If you had a little girl, would you want a man to treat her like this? would you want your son to treat a woman like this? My hubby is 6 years younger then me, and he never disrespects me like that, I know you love him, but love your kids more, and do it for them.
It's a hard road to be on your own, I been there, and in those poisonous relationships, but sure didn't last long in them. Kick him out, get alimony, child support, anything to help you financially from him, but he isn't setting a good example for your childre, I believe my children come first then any man, I would never let a man treat me that way, or talk to me like I was crap in front of my kids...If you need help in trying to get him out, there are ways to make him leave, he may just leave on his own, but don't ever leave your children alone with this man, I can only imagine how he treats or talks to you in front of them, it hurts them as well. Don't let it happen, only YOU can stop it, stop enabling him to treat you like this!
Hugsss!
~Donna0 -
All of Us Hurt for You Right Now...
Hi
Your post is very sobering and I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this in the middle of your cancer battle - it's very upsetting to see your husband treating you like that and saying those type of things you mentioned - I mean if he can't help you, at least don't hurt you, right?
My opinion is that, as you stated above, you are more thank likely "afraid" that you will be left alone with a serious cancer situation and have no one - I can understand that completely. However, the only problem is that "he is not with you anyway" as he is out to all hours of the night till the wee hours - and this has been going on for years.
Combined with the fact, that when you are with him, he abused you verbally and wishes you would "just die." That's just awful - that's not companionship - that's not a partner - and not even a roommate.
Most marriages have difficult times even without Cancer, but when we have Cancer, just about every relationship (if we're telling the truth) has had some issue or a turning point during the battle - afterall it is a very stressful time for both parties.
But in your case, your husband has already "left you" in a certain sense - he should be careful or he'll end up with cancer in the liver with so much drinking.
I hope and wish that one way or the other, this situation resolves itself, perhaps with intervention, or you can find a way to start fresh on your own - you certainly sound like a very nice woman - and you've done nothing to deserve it - if I did this to my wife, I would not have to worry about dying from Cancer, my wife would be all over me as most men or women would be doing.
And it's possible if he's out till all hours every night of the week for years, there could be another party that's he's spending time with - he's definitely running away from your situation at a time when you need someone to share what you're going through.
I join the many here who want only the best for you - I want to thank you for your incredible courage and openness in discussing your situation - you are obviously very strong, and very patient - good things will come to those who wait.
-Craig0 -
Sending you LOVEShayenne said:Yowza!
I didn't think he was abusing you and treating you like a doormat Colleen, this guy needs to be kicked to the curb, nothing will help him unlesss HE wants it, otherwise, I be darned I have my kids around people like that. They are learning from you. If you had a little girl, would you want a man to treat her like this? would you want your son to treat a woman like this? My hubby is 6 years younger then me, and he never disrespects me like that, I know you love him, but love your kids more, and do it for them.
It's a hard road to be on your own, I been there, and in those poisonous relationships, but sure didn't last long in them. Kick him out, get alimony, child support, anything to help you financially from him, but he isn't setting a good example for your childre, I believe my children come first then any man, I would never let a man treat me that way, or talk to me like I was crap in front of my kids...If you need help in trying to get him out, there are ways to make him leave, he may just leave on his own, but don't ever leave your children alone with this man, I can only imagine how he treats or talks to you in front of them, it hurts them as well. Don't let it happen, only YOU can stop it, stop enabling him to treat you like this!
Hugsss!
~Donna
Oh Colleen. Reading your post, I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I can't imagine saying something so monsterous to someone I hate, much less my wife and the mother of my child. You said you are afraid to be alone through all this, but it would be better than having someone who is supposed to love you tell you they wish you were dead. I seriously doubt someone who could think such a thing, much less utter it out loud, has the emotional stability to support you through what is going to be a difficult time. I know from experience it is easy to feel guilt about leaving an abusive relationship, but you are about to start the fight of your life, so this is one time you need to give yourself permission to do what is best for you (and your daughter by extension). I know I am a total stranger, but I hope the next time he says anything vile, you will remember there is someone out there that thinks your life is worthwhile.0 -
colleenconfused1 said:Marriage
I have been told like 10 times in my life that I look like Reba. I don't think I do but.......Anyway yes he has been doing it for year's. I am not sure if it is the age difference or not . Because he just turned 36 yrs. old last Sunday. And I will be 51yrs. the end of Jan. But he is very abusive verbally. We have a 5 yr. old together. Like for example of the verbal abuse he said yesterday that he wishes I were dead so he could replace my daughter's mother. Well u can imagine what i thought when he said that. He goes to the bar every night until wee hrs. of the morning. He said he does it because I witch (****) at him. Well I think any man or women would. I don't understand why I think I still love him but I feel that I do . We have been together 11 yrs. Either I still love him or I am worried about being alone through this.. But all I do all day is think about what he is doing and miss him. I konw I stupid me. I thank everyone for there imput. I helps some what. Hugs COLLEEN
i read all above this and nothing below. we live close enough to each other that we should meet and have lunch, dinner or drinks or all of the above. verbal abuse is almost worse than physical, and i know, lived with one for 18 years. cancer has nothing to do with it. pm me. please. either here or FB.0
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