Death of a friendship.

2»

Comments

  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    #22
    MAJW said:

    Losing friends....
    Been down this road myself, since my "journey" began in April... Many people have surprised me with their help and care and others have been a HUGE disappointment.....My sister in law, whom I love like a sister and is a 20 bc survivor told me at the very beginning of this, "You will find out who your true friends are...." She was right on! One of these "friends" of 20+ years and lives 5 houses down, has called me exactly TWICE! And that was in the very beginning, she wanted the "gory" details about my biopsy and then my surgery......She passes my house on average 4 times a day....never once has she called to see if I so much as need something from the grocery.......If I sound bitter, I am...... She says "call me if you need anything." Yeah right I'm going to call and beg for help......get real! She and her husband have had illnesses and the husband has had 3 MAJOR surgeries in the past 3 years.......Guess who was there with them every step of the way? My husband and me! And I would do it all over again. I am by nature a real care giver, worked in the medical field for years. But this is a bitter pill to swallow.......Another "friend" at the beginning, said to me, "I'm not good with these kind of things." Not so much as a phone call since, 5 months now...I swear I want to ask them if they think cancer is contagious! But I have made tough decisions, I am cutting toxic people out of my life......I don't need this...they may have their reasons for staying away, but I have found I don't need or want them in my life any more. I have a wonderful supportive husband, grown supportive kids, 4 grands, fantastic extended family and TRUE friends......I don't need people who really don't care....Okay, I have vented........feel better!
    prayers and best wishes to all
    Nancy

    I know
    I know what its like. I lost not only a friend, but a whole family that I had been very close to over 30 years. That hurt, but being hurt makes us stronger I believe. I have neighbors who did the lip service, but one came through with chauffering me to and from the hospital when I needed to go in. One so-called friend told me that its "just breast cancer, not the real dying kind of cancer". She said I'd get over it. Needless to say, she's out. But there are so many others who came out of nowhere that have been my strongest support. I don't know why people are scared of those with cancer. Its not contageous. Who knows. Thank God for those who stand by us and who love us and are there for us every step of the way. We don't need the others. God Bless you and everyone here!
    Pat
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39
    #23
    MAJW said:

    Losing friends....
    Been down this road myself, since my "journey" began in April... Many people have surprised me with their help and care and others have been a HUGE disappointment.....My sister in law, whom I love like a sister and is a 20 bc survivor told me at the very beginning of this, "You will find out who your true friends are...." She was right on! One of these "friends" of 20+ years and lives 5 houses down, has called me exactly TWICE! And that was in the very beginning, she wanted the "gory" details about my biopsy and then my surgery......She passes my house on average 4 times a day....never once has she called to see if I so much as need something from the grocery.......If I sound bitter, I am...... She says "call me if you need anything." Yeah right I'm going to call and beg for help......get real! She and her husband have had illnesses and the husband has had 3 MAJOR surgeries in the past 3 years.......Guess who was there with them every step of the way? My husband and me! And I would do it all over again. I am by nature a real care giver, worked in the medical field for years. But this is a bitter pill to swallow.......Another "friend" at the beginning, said to me, "I'm not good with these kind of things." Not so much as a phone call since, 5 months now...I swear I want to ask them if they think cancer is contagious! But I have made tough decisions, I am cutting toxic people out of my life......I don't need this...they may have their reasons for staying away, but I have found I don't need or want them in my life any more. I have a wonderful supportive husband, grown supportive kids, 4 grands, fantastic extended family and TRUE friends......I don't need people who really don't care....Okay, I have vented........feel better!
    prayers and best wishes to all
    Nancy

    Nancy...
    I HATE IT when people say "is there anything I can do?" It puts the stress on you to think of something. The woman I was referring to said that many times. All I could think is "Gee, that's the kind of thing you say when you don't want to do anything" I ask my husband sometimes "do you want me to drive?" I always hope he'll say "No" and he usuallly does. I'm sorry your neighbors were such losers. How incredibly selfish of them to accept your help so many times and not return it.
    I read an amazing quote, "Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all" Obviously your friend who is "not good with these kind of things" isn't very couragous, but YOU ARE, so remember that!
  • guitarmom2
    guitarmom2 Member Posts: 39
    #24
    padee6339 said:

    I know
    I know what its like. I lost not only a friend, but a whole family that I had been very close to over 30 years. That hurt, but being hurt makes us stronger I believe. I have neighbors who did the lip service, but one came through with chauffering me to and from the hospital when I needed to go in. One so-called friend told me that its "just breast cancer, not the real dying kind of cancer". She said I'd get over it. Needless to say, she's out. But there are so many others who came out of nowhere that have been my strongest support. I don't know why people are scared of those with cancer. Its not contageous. Who knows. Thank God for those who stand by us and who love us and are there for us every step of the way. We don't need the others. God Bless you and everyone here!
    Pat

    Pat...
    The people who disappoint us actually did us a favor. They made it easier to decide who belongs in our lives. I did not expect everyone I know to hold my hand, but a certain amount of support is expected form those closest to us. I was so happy with soem of teh small but big gestures from people I do not know very well. I'm so glad you had a neighbor who drove you. That's a very sweet gesture.
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    #25
    guitarmom2 said:

    Nancy...
    I HATE IT when people say "is there anything I can do?" It puts the stress on you to think of something. The woman I was referring to said that many times. All I could think is "Gee, that's the kind of thing you say when you don't want to do anything" I ask my husband sometimes "do you want me to drive?" I always hope he'll say "No" and he usuallly does. I'm sorry your neighbors were such losers. How incredibly selfish of them to accept your help so many times and not return it.
    I read an amazing quote, "Courage is doing what you must when doing what you must is the hardest thing of all" Obviously your friend who is "not good with these kind of things" isn't very couragous, but YOU ARE, so remember that!

    You said it!
    Everyone -

    This is a great post. It's hard to think that some "friends" may not be there if you really need them. I have a friend that I've known for over 25 years. I have not spoken to her since I found out I had bc because I know that even though she cares about me she would cause more harm by telling a bunch of other people (that I don't know) all the details and making a federal case out of the fact that I'm sick. She is the kind of friend who would announce to her whole congregation at church who I was and what my illness was so they could all pray for me. Prayer is great, but I don't particularly want a lot of people who don't know me or only know me casually to know the intimate details of my bilateral mastectomy.

    My father is the same way - he will tell strangers (or worse yet, people I went to school with who have nothing to do with me now) all about my personal life just so he can talk.

    Right before I left on my leave of absence from work I went to lunch with a woman who I've known (through work only) for a few years. We've worked on a few small projects together and she is a hard worker and a very nice person. During our lunch I let her know I had bc and that I would be gone for a while. I asked that she didn't tell anyone else and she said she would keep it to herself. I've been home for a week and yesterday she came over after work with spaghetti, garlic bread and a bag full of magazines and movies. We sat and talked for a couple of hours and she said if I needed any help at my house (I have some pictures that I need hung up) or any other movies to watch I should let her know. She said she would come back and visit me soon. This was an unexpected, but very nice gesture of her and I am grateful that she is so understanding and open to talk to me and keep me company.

    What other people have posted is correct - the more unfriendly, unreliable "friends" you try to keep the less room there is for new friends who would bring optimism and positive energy to your bc situation. We ALL deserve the best care - from our doctors, nurses, families and our friends. We are worth it!
  • Cindy54
    Cindy54 Member Posts: 452
    #26
    Wolfi said:

    You said it!
    Everyone -

    This is a great post. It's hard to think that some "friends" may not be there if you really need them. I have a friend that I've known for over 25 years. I have not spoken to her since I found out I had bc because I know that even though she cares about me she would cause more harm by telling a bunch of other people (that I don't know) all the details and making a federal case out of the fact that I'm sick. She is the kind of friend who would announce to her whole congregation at church who I was and what my illness was so they could all pray for me. Prayer is great, but I don't particularly want a lot of people who don't know me or only know me casually to know the intimate details of my bilateral mastectomy.

    My father is the same way - he will tell strangers (or worse yet, people I went to school with who have nothing to do with me now) all about my personal life just so he can talk.

    Right before I left on my leave of absence from work I went to lunch with a woman who I've known (through work only) for a few years. We've worked on a few small projects together and she is a hard worker and a very nice person. During our lunch I let her know I had bc and that I would be gone for a while. I asked that she didn't tell anyone else and she said she would keep it to herself. I've been home for a week and yesterday she came over after work with spaghetti, garlic bread and a bag full of magazines and movies. We sat and talked for a couple of hours and she said if I needed any help at my house (I have some pictures that I need hung up) or any other movies to watch I should let her know. She said she would come back and visit me soon. This was an unexpected, but very nice gesture of her and I am grateful that she is so understanding and open to talk to me and keep me company.

    What other people have posted is correct - the more unfriendly, unreliable "friends" you try to keep the less room there is for new friends who would bring optimism and positive energy to your bc situation. We ALL deserve the best care - from our doctors, nurses, families and our friends. We are worth it!

    While Recovering
    from my last staging surgery for ovarian, it was the middle of winter. We had record snows here in Pennsylvania. Because I needed to get to my follow up appointments at the cancer center and could not drive yet, my 80, yes 80, year old neighbor took me, waited with me and brought me home. I was touched beyond belief.I had a friend to drive me to that staging surgery in another city. She waited until I got into the recovery room. When I got up to my room I was asking and looking for her. No one knew where she was. Finally some nurse ran down to the waiting area and they said that she had left. Still groggy, I called her on her cell and she was on her way back home because a storm was coming in and she did not want to stay there in it. Yes, I understood this because she had her hubby at home who has heart problems. But it bothered me, because I did not expect this and we had not talked about it. She had said she could stay with her sister who lived in this city and I assumed that was what she would be doing. I sure felt abandoned at that point. Three days later, someone from another support board who I had known only via email, came down to see me as she lived in this city. She brought me a balloon and stayed and talked with me. I had never met her before this time, but that she came to see and meet me was just incredible. Looking back, people came into my life when I really needed someone and they offset the pain of the people I thought were my most trusted friends.I guess it evens out. Cindy

Discussion Boards