How do You Tell a 9 Year Old about Cancer...

faithandprayer said:

Presentation
Hi Bella,
I've not been around lately and missed welcoming you.

I have an 8 yr old boy and a 5 yr old girl. I am their primary caretaker so they depend upon me greatly. I didn't know how to tell them but I knew it was all going to be in the presentation...and I knew it had to be as soon as possible...as trusting my word was going to be more important than ever.

Once we knew the complete game plan, we sat them down at the kitchen table & told them. We assured them we had a game plan AND that "daddy was taking me to the best doctors he could" I led & my hubby just followed my lead, supporting everything I said.

I was given just enough strength and grace to keep the focus on them and what THEIR fears about my cancer might be - not about me and what my fears were. When I was diagnosed, we were still reeling from my Mother in Law's death - a rapid 6 weeks diagnosis & deterioration. We anticipated they would associate my cancer with this.

We told them point blank. When the questions came, we were honest with candor. Things we didn't have answers on, we were honest with them about. We were very careful to assure them that there are many people with cancer and many types of cancer and everyone's cancer is DIFFERENT...even if it is the same type of cancer. I told them, "My cancer is MY cancer - and that whatever happens is what is meant to happen for me - so whatever happened for someone else happened because it was THEIR cancer and meant to happen for them"

When the conversation wrapped, I bent down, put my hands on my son's shoulders, LOOKED HIM SQUARE IN THE EYES and said, "Mommy has never lied to you, right?" My son agreed. I concluded with "Right now, you DO NOT need to worry - And, I PROMISE to you that if there comes a time when you do need to worry, I will tell you, okay?" He agreed. I knew my 5 yr old would take my son's lead so "selling my son" on this was critical.

It worked.
A few days later, in the car, he was really quiet. I asked if he was worrying about my cancer and he simply replied, "No, I'm worried about my Pokemon cards, you told me that you'll tell me if I need to worry about your cancer." I haven't asked him if he's been worried since. Once in awhile, if we have a big test/scan coming, I'll tell him (in general terms about it) and we pray together. So far, we've had no need to tell him he needs to worry.

A few other things that we did to help ease them through it:
*Told them the medicine is SO powerful and SO good that it will "scare my hair out"

*Contacted adults (teachers, friends parents, etc) and asked them not to say "oh, I'm sorry" when they told them about my cancer but instead requested they say, "really? what's she going to do about it" or "she's going to a really good hospital", etc.

*Had them each cut one of my pony tails off and help to shave my head

*Toured my hospital, met my medical team and they come to my chemos so they do not fear the unknown

Their biggest fear was really more about them..."who will take care of me", etc. Once we reassured them that we had a plan and that it could change but we are ready for change, they acclimated just fine.

Also, we are careful not to put anything on them...like: "we need you to do this to help Mommy get better" - just in case something doesn't go the way we want, we don't want them to feel somehow responsible.

They are happy & healthy children with a Mommy who just happens to have cancer.
And that's exactly how we are living our lives!

Prayers for you & your daughter,
KC