How do You Tell a 9 Year Old about Cancer...

Bella Luna
Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Evening All,

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 2009. I will be starting chemo on September 10th. My 9 year old daughter does not know about my situation. My husband and I know we must tell her something as she will suspect something isn't right when my hair starts to fall out.

Would truly appreciate hearing from other parents who have had to tell their kids about cancer. Please, if you can, share how you broke the news to your kids. We want to tell her without scaring her or making her worry to much over it.

Thank you, in advance, for your advice.

Fondly,
Bella Luna

Comments

  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #2
    How do I help my daughter
    Read that post Belle Luna. It has a lot of great ideas. Kathi's is really good!

    Good luck!
  • mberg
    mberg Member Posts: 62
    #3
    My daughter is older (14),
    My daughter is older (14), but I had my husband tell her what was going on the day I found out. I just couldn't get the words out. He told her that I have cancer and that we are fighting it every step of the way. She was pretty upset, and I can tell it bothers her that my hair is falling out. My youngest is 3 and all she knows is mommy has an owwy and doesn't feel good.It is a tough spot to be in for sure. Try and be as honest as you can without going to into the medical jargon. My husband was fantastic. I was diagnosed on july 2nd the day I had my entire family fly in my my grandmas birthday on the 4th. He had to call everyone at that night because i couldn't do it. Good luck talking to your daughter, let me know how it goes for you!
  • faithandprayer
    faithandprayer Member Posts: 177
    #4
    Presentation
    Hi Bella,
    I've not been around lately and missed welcoming you.

    I have an 8 yr old boy and a 5 yr old girl. I am their primary caretaker so they depend upon me greatly. I didn't know how to tell them but I knew it was all going to be in the presentation...and I knew it had to be as soon as possible...as trusting my word was going to be more important than ever.

    Once we knew the complete game plan, we sat them down at the kitchen table & told them. We assured them we had a game plan AND that "daddy was taking me to the best doctors he could" I led & my hubby just followed my lead, supporting everything I said.

    I was given just enough strength and grace to keep the focus on them and what THEIR fears about my cancer might be - not about me and what my fears were. When I was diagnosed, we were still reeling from my Mother in Law's death - a rapid 6 weeks diagnosis & deterioration. We anticipated they would associate my cancer with this.

    We told them point blank. When the questions came, we were honest with candor. Things we didn't have answers on, we were honest with them about. We were very careful to assure them that there are many people with cancer and many types of cancer and everyone's cancer is DIFFERENT...even if it is the same type of cancer. I told them, "My cancer is MY cancer - and that whatever happens is what is meant to happen for me - so whatever happened for someone else happened because it was THEIR cancer and meant to happen for them"

    When the conversation wrapped, I bent down, put my hands on my son's shoulders, LOOKED HIM SQUARE IN THE EYES and said, "Mommy has never lied to you, right?" My son agreed. I concluded with "Right now, you DO NOT need to worry - And, I PROMISE to you that if there comes a time when you do need to worry, I will tell you, okay?" He agreed. I knew my 5 yr old would take my son's lead so "selling my son" on this was critical.

    It worked.
    A few days later, in the car, he was really quiet. I asked if he was worrying about my cancer and he simply replied, "No, I'm worried about my Pokemon cards, you told me that you'll tell me if I need to worry about your cancer." I haven't asked him if he's been worried since. Once in awhile, if we have a big test/scan coming, I'll tell him (in general terms about it) and we pray together. So far, we've had no need to tell him he needs to worry.

    A few other things that we did to help ease them through it:
    *Told them the medicine is SO powerful and SO good that it will "scare my hair out"

    *Contacted adults (teachers, friends parents, etc) and asked them not to say "oh, I'm sorry" when they told them about my cancer but instead requested they say, "really? what's she going to do about it" or "she's going to a really good hospital", etc.

    *Had them each cut one of my pony tails off and help to shave my head

    *Toured my hospital, met my medical team and they come to my chemos so they do not fear the unknown

    Their biggest fear was really more about them..."who will take care of me", etc. Once we reassured them that we had a plan and that it could change but we are ready for change, they acclimated just fine.

    Also, we are careful not to put anything on them...like: "we need you to do this to help Mommy get better" - just in case something doesn't go the way we want, we don't want them to feel somehow responsible.

    They are happy & healthy children with a Mommy who just happens to have cancer.
    And that's exactly how we are living our lives!

    Prayers for you & your daughter,
    KC
  • traceyt
    traceyt Member Posts: 77
    #5
    Well said KC
    Bella
    Lots of great info for you so far...I have 8 & 10 yr old girls and we have been very honest with them without all the medical jargon as well. We let them ask questions and answered them to the best of our ability without being too over the top. I will also talk to my girls teachers so they know what is going on at home, I have a good relationship with the school staff and think they will be a good support system for our family. Do what your family is comfortable with and what works for you. When I was young my mom had lung cancer one day she was frustrated with us kids and shouted "I have cancer, do you know what that means" of course we did'nt, I was probably 12, but knew by her hysteria that is was'nt good. It is something I have never forgotten so it was important to me to explain things to my girls. Just today I gave my 10 yr old an avenue to voice her concerns, she said as long as I didnt die she was good,to which I replied this kind of cancer is very survivable and I did'nt anticipate going anywhere anytime soon, but I did'nt promise I would always be here.
    I hope all the good advice on this board helps you in your journey
    ((hugs))
    Tracey
  • djteach
    djteach Member Posts: 273
    #6
    Hi Bella Luna,
    I don't have
    Hi Bella Luna,

    I don't have children, but I have a niece that I am raising. She was 9 years old when I was diagnosed. I taught emotionally disturbed children for 26 years, kids with normal IQ but difficulty feeling and expressing emotions.

    Children are so much stronger than we ever give them credit for. We try to protect them but they are not blind or stupid. I'm sure she already knows that something is wrong. Please, tell her the truth. Her imagination is much scarier to her than the cancer will be.
    If she asks questions, answer them as honestly as possible. My nieces biggest question and fear was, "Donna, are you going to die?" I told her not any time soon. I plan to be around to see you grow up. I explained what the meds. would do and kept her a part of the treatment process. My diagnosis at the time was stage 4 IDC with mets to the bones. She is now 13 and understands what my diagnosis really means. I told her recently that I would let her know when I was dying when the time came, that she would be one of the first to know. She knows that I don't lie to her and she has a wicked sense of humor, so we are okay.

    I can't imagine how hard it would be to tell my own child, she is as close as I will ever get to "having children". You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how it goes!

    Love and gentle hugs,
    Donna
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #7
    faithandprayer said:

    Presentation
    Hi Bella,
    I've not been around lately and missed welcoming you.

    I have an 8 yr old boy and a 5 yr old girl. I am their primary caretaker so they depend upon me greatly. I didn't know how to tell them but I knew it was all going to be in the presentation...and I knew it had to be as soon as possible...as trusting my word was going to be more important than ever.

    Once we knew the complete game plan, we sat them down at the kitchen table & told them. We assured them we had a game plan AND that "daddy was taking me to the best doctors he could" I led & my hubby just followed my lead, supporting everything I said.

    I was given just enough strength and grace to keep the focus on them and what THEIR fears about my cancer might be - not about me and what my fears were. When I was diagnosed, we were still reeling from my Mother in Law's death - a rapid 6 weeks diagnosis & deterioration. We anticipated they would associate my cancer with this.

    We told them point blank. When the questions came, we were honest with candor. Things we didn't have answers on, we were honest with them about. We were very careful to assure them that there are many people with cancer and many types of cancer and everyone's cancer is DIFFERENT...even if it is the same type of cancer. I told them, "My cancer is MY cancer - and that whatever happens is what is meant to happen for me - so whatever happened for someone else happened because it was THEIR cancer and meant to happen for them"

    When the conversation wrapped, I bent down, put my hands on my son's shoulders, LOOKED HIM SQUARE IN THE EYES and said, "Mommy has never lied to you, right?" My son agreed. I concluded with "Right now, you DO NOT need to worry - And, I PROMISE to you that if there comes a time when you do need to worry, I will tell you, okay?" He agreed. I knew my 5 yr old would take my son's lead so "selling my son" on this was critical.

    It worked.
    A few days later, in the car, he was really quiet. I asked if he was worrying about my cancer and he simply replied, "No, I'm worried about my Pokemon cards, you told me that you'll tell me if I need to worry about your cancer." I haven't asked him if he's been worried since. Once in awhile, if we have a big test/scan coming, I'll tell him (in general terms about it) and we pray together. So far, we've had no need to tell him he needs to worry.

    A few other things that we did to help ease them through it:
    *Told them the medicine is SO powerful and SO good that it will "scare my hair out"

    *Contacted adults (teachers, friends parents, etc) and asked them not to say "oh, I'm sorry" when they told them about my cancer but instead requested they say, "really? what's she going to do about it" or "she's going to a really good hospital", etc.

    *Had them each cut one of my pony tails off and help to shave my head

    *Toured my hospital, met my medical team and they come to my chemos so they do not fear the unknown

    Their biggest fear was really more about them..."who will take care of me", etc. Once we reassured them that we had a plan and that it could change but we are ready for change, they acclimated just fine.

    Also, we are careful not to put anything on them...like: "we need you to do this to help Mommy get better" - just in case something doesn't go the way we want, we don't want them to feel somehow responsible.

    They are happy & healthy children with a Mommy who just happens to have cancer.
    And that's exactly how we are living our lives!

    Prayers for you & your daughter,
    KC

    KC well put .. Plan of action - effective
    I will use a few suggestions to deal with my children .. even though they are 18 yrs and 22 yrs.

    VickiSam
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #8
    djteach said:

    Hi Bella Luna,
    I don't have
    Hi Bella Luna,

    I don't have children, but I have a niece that I am raising. She was 9 years old when I was diagnosed. I taught emotionally disturbed children for 26 years, kids with normal IQ but difficulty feeling and expressing emotions.

    Children are so much stronger than we ever give them credit for. We try to protect them but they are not blind or stupid. I'm sure she already knows that something is wrong. Please, tell her the truth. Her imagination is much scarier to her than the cancer will be.
    If she asks questions, answer them as honestly as possible. My nieces biggest question and fear was, "Donna, are you going to die?" I told her not any time soon. I plan to be around to see you grow up. I explained what the meds. would do and kept her a part of the treatment process. My diagnosis at the time was stage 4 IDC with mets to the bones. She is now 13 and understands what my diagnosis really means. I told her recently that I would let her know when I was dying when the time came, that she would be one of the first to know. She knows that I don't lie to her and she has a wicked sense of humor, so we are okay.

    I can't imagine how hard it would be to tell my own child, she is as close as I will ever get to "having children". You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please let us know how it goes!

    Love and gentle hugs,
    Donna

    The survivors gave you lots
    The survivors gave you lots of ideas. I hope they will help you in telling your daughter. Good luck to you and let us know how it goes when you can.

    Hugs!

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