A couple of Laughs for Monday

ARRESTING TIME
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
'But officer, 'the man began, 'I can explain.'

'Quiet!' snapped the officer.' I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.'
'But, officer, I just wanted to say, '

'And I said be quiet! you're going to jail!'

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back.'

'Don't count on it, 'answered the guy in the cell.' I'm the groom.'

LECTURE TOUR WITH A DIFFERENCE
After an evening out, Roger was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his car parked and walked home. As he was staggering along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at three o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time of night?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Roger grimly.