to post or not to post-just skip this...
Last night my Dennis, my husband, told me, "get on your computer and talk to them".. I told him I really didn't feel like it.
I don't do pitty parties.. and it isn't that.. I just feel so sad.. so alone.. Then I feel guilty because I know that my case isn't too bad..there are so many of you who are going through so much more than I am..who have over come so very much more.
I moved here (MO) 14 years ago, as a single mom.. I focused my time and energy on raising my two children and my work.. I didn't get involved with any church.. pretty much that fully encompassed my life.. come on I married my neighbor.. (obviously didn't venture to far from home).. I work with construction pipefitters.. I never made a social group here. All my "friends" are in Washington, NJ, and Nebraska.. (mostly WA).. so it's not like I can pick up the phone and call someone and say.. "hey want to go for coffee?" My husband has friends that go back to Junior High & Elementary.. but they were all close with his exwife (they were couple friendships).. so nothing ever really developed there.. It's my own fault.. I know that... why do I always isolate myself??
I started doing that here too.. I didn't want you guys to know I was feeling like this.. but then I thought.. what's this board for anyway??? I would rather you guys only saw me the way I "normally" am..and not like some emotional wreck who's moods swing from on end of the spectrum to the next.. GOD I HATE THIS... Truly I can't seem to stop crying.. and I do not look good when I cry.. my face gets all contorted.. it's terible.
I am in a current court battle that goes to trial July 26th, with my niece Liz.. with her mother.. who is currently been addmitted to the psych hospital because she stopped taking her meds (which she does on a regular basis that makes her behavior very erratic, and down right crazy).. here sister is here with her mother and her sister is very much like her. They picked up Liz for a visit to take her to see her mom.. Liz came home in tears because mom had another "crazy" episode and so did "aunt paula".. none of them know about the bc because I don't want them to be able to use it against me in court.. took me over an hour to calm her down and reassure her everything would be okay.
I'm meeting my sister at the sureons office at 2:30, because she needs to have a biopsy on her liver. She's mad at me because I do not want her to go with me to meet the oncologist for the first time.. I just want my husband to go to meet with him initally.. I told her she could go with me another time but I really don't like a bunch of people with me when I go.. it makes me feel uncomfortable... I just deal with things differently than she does.. she likes lots of people around in hard times.. I tend to be like a dog.. go off lick my wounds and come out when I feel better... (Can you say loner)
My boss hasn't looked at me since I told him about my dx.. hasn't even asked me how the test results turned out. Elephant in the room let's just ignore it type, which has really left me feeling quite insignifant at work... but still I go in everyday.
My grades have been slipping, up till now I had a 4.0, now that I can't seem to concentrate and focus on my schoolwork.. its summer session so everything is excelerated. I should be studying now... but I just can't seem to focus.
Okay.. someone just give me a kick in the a** and tell me to get over it all already! I can't stand this.. if I'm like this now.. how much worse is it going to be on the hormone therapy.
I am so sorry you guys really I am.. I am so sorry. I know there are probably some of you thinking that I'm just blowing things out of proportion... maybe I am.. I am not like this.. I am always ALWAYS the strong one that everyone else runs to. I am NOT the person who falls to peices under a little bit of stress or even a lot of stress. I hold everyone else together.. not the other way around.. I don't recognize myself.
I'm sorry.. I just needed to dump.. I really did.
~T
Comments
-
For mercy sakes, woman,
(don't ask me what that means....its a 'my momma' thang).
What do you call 'a LITTLE stress'? You gotta boat load going on. We'd be worried about you if you didn't need us to dump on.
Sorry we can't show up on your door step like Merry Maids with a bucket and mop to get things in order. But we CAN stand in the gap between you and the stuff that tries to blow you away. We are your anchors. You just gotta keep the ropes attached. Post and post and post. Read our responses. Weed out the stuff that don't seem to fit your needs (we're NOT perfect), consider the stuff that makes sense, and then try to make good decisions that move you toward the goal of healing (physical, emotional, spiritual) and back to some joy in your life. It's all any of us can do. God bless.0 -
What are you
apologizing for? No one is themself after getting a cancer diagnosis!Your feelings are totally normal,and,I'm sorry to say,even years after-we still have the same feelings sometimes! And it sounds like you've been going through an awful lot lately(as if hearing the words you and cancer in the same sentence aren't enough!!).
I hope your sister is going to be okay!0 -
Taleena ...outdoorgirl said:What are you
apologizing for? No one is themself after getting a cancer diagnosis!Your feelings are totally normal,and,I'm sorry to say,even years after-we still have the same feelings sometimes! And it sounds like you've been going through an awful lot lately(as if hearing the words you and cancer in the same sentence aren't enough!!).
I hope your sister is going to be okay!
As Zahalene said ... it would be great if we could all show up on your doorstep and help put things in order ... or give you big hugs ... but we can't do that. What we can do for each other is post, post, post. We are here for each other ... no matter what. You are experiencing a pressure from all directions and anyone would be stressed out from everything. I'm sure I would be a basket case. So ... don't be so rough on yourself. You are entitled to feel stressed. With all of the external issues ... I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all better ... but all I can say is that we all care about you ... love you ... and we are here for you. So ... you are NOT alone. We are family and we are all in this together. You need us ... and we need YOU.
love,
teena0 -
Dump Away
That's what we are here for. You have so much on your plate. I would gladly help you carry some of your load. Be kind to yourself. A 4.0 is not all it's cracked up to be. Also, I think crying is a good release. I learned that the hard way. Keep posting. We love you. Lynn0 -
Taleena, Cherished friend,tgf said:Taleena ...
As Zahalene said ... it would be great if we could all show up on your doorstep and help put things in order ... or give you big hugs ... but we can't do that. What we can do for each other is post, post, post. We are here for each other ... no matter what. You are experiencing a pressure from all directions and anyone would be stressed out from everything. I'm sure I would be a basket case. So ... don't be so rough on yourself. You are entitled to feel stressed. With all of the external issues ... I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all better ... but all I can say is that we all care about you ... love you ... and we are here for you. So ... you are NOT alone. We are family and we are all in this together. You need us ... and we need YOU.
love,
teena
Taleena, Cherished friend, Your right about one thing, that what this board is for. When you see the doctor, talk to her/him about maybe some meds to help you get through all of this. Hang in there, we will do this together.0 -
(((((((((HUGS))))))
NO APOLOGIES NEEDED! That is part of the beauty of this place; the instant connections, the intimacy, and yes, the safety of being among Kindred Spirits. Our life stories have a common thread, and the empathy you give to us on a regular basis is now being given back to you today.
I too found myself drowning in a lonely sea...I had been married for 27 years, and for 22 years I was also part of an exclusive, close-knit religion which practices shunning. I found myself on the outside of that religion looking in~ with none of the people I knew being able to even acknowledge my existance.
I moved away, and didn't know a soul! I did meet my sweet, wonderful Reggie, but like you and your hubby, he was part of a community who knew him as part of a previously married couple. I got BC in less than a year after meeting him. That part of my life thankfully worked out wonderfully, and we are still together 7 years later and deliriously happy.
Interestingly enough, I also spent much of my time in BC treatment going to court to become the legal guardian/foster mom of my niece. Her mom , my sister was also "challenged", with substance abuse, and stability issues... The court system did NOT know I was battling the Beast for the same reasons you stated~ I didn't want my physical health to sway the court. I was awarded custody! And she is now 24 years old, and the light of my life.
As for your boss who ignores your dx, here's the general, yet true statement regarding men/women. Men, for the MOST part, are Fixers, while Women are Nurturers. When men cannot fix something, ( as in BC) they ignore, abdicate, or get angry.
Women jump right in and make food, take your kids for the day, offer rides, cry, make a Spa Day appointment or watch a Chick Flick with us! And wheras we don't mind at all being the giver, we women have a hard time asking for help and being on the receiving end. As if it somehow reflects poorly on us as women. Letting the gender down or something.
Balderdash!
You are a woman dealing with this lousy hand you were dealt. It doesn't matter if you are a loner, or the life of any party~ BC stinks! The emotions will ebb and flow; some days will be better than others, and you are in the midst of decision-making.
I know I repeat the phrases I like, and one of my favorites of late is: "We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do."
Feel free to come in and vent anytime you want! Afterall, this is a support group! We can't fix what you perceive as wrong, and you probably don't want us to! But you have been validated, and you are worthy, and will get through this with all of us surrounding you! So much for being a loner~ well, at least we are an invisible group! LOL
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
TALEENA!!!
Yikes...I woke up this morning and screamed at the women in the mirror. How did I let my daughter talk me into going from blond to brunette? Now I know when everyone tells me it looks good....they are lying!! Cowards....can't tell me the truth (hmmmmm...which means they are afraid of me! Might have some leverage here!).
On a more serious note....feeling sorry for myself for making such a HUGE mistake (not like a couple bottles more of hairdye couldn't fix) I decided to hop on board and read some post. (I think more to keep me away from the mirror!).
Then I came across your post. OMG....I'm from NJ!! And never had any friend's (husband had them all!). And am somewhat of a loner too. And realized that it is so good to know someone that you have so much in common with.
Dump anytime, Taleena. Believe it or not, alot of times when I read what you post I feel like I was dictating to you my feelings. So just pour them out there because while it helps you to get it off your chest, it helps me to read it!!
Hang in there, you have a lot on your plate!! Let you feelings have their moment. They will pass eventually and you won't feel so overwhelmed. And remember, we are all here for you!! Hugs.........:) Pammy
PS) Claudia said it with such wisdom! Thanks Claudia
0 -
I know exactly what you mean
I know exactly what you mean when you say you are a loner. I'm someone who scores as an extreme introvert when I take personality tests, and I would much rather be alone when I'm not feeling well. For the most part, people tire me out. But, from time to time, I simply need someone to listen to me and maybe offer feedback. But, we need to be careful who we choose as a sounding board, since as you've found many people can be real Debbie Downers.
You have been through more this year than many people have experienced in a lifetime. Your brother's illness and death, the fight to keep your niece, concerns for your sister, your dad died a little over a month ago, your mother's experiences with BC and her attitude, and you were only diagnosed about a month ago. You have a right to be scared, angry, depressed, and an 'emotional wreck' (your words). You haven't had a break in months, and this whole BC thing is so new. Time really does help to heal, and you haven't had any time.
Although I know that it's really hard to tell your sister that you don't want her to go with you to the oncologist, don't feel guilty about it. You and your husband are a team, and you deserve to have only him with you. Also, don't be afraid to do a few things for yourself. Maybe you and your niece could rent some chick flicks, make some popcorn and watch the movies together. It might help to take your mind off of everything else for a few hours, and let you share some time with her. Or, a nice hot bubble bath. Anything that will help you feel pampered.
Believe me, hormone therapy will be a breeze compared to what you're going through now. And, at some point in time, BC won't be constantly on your mind, and you'll start feeling much better.
Joyce0 -
T-this sounds vaguely familiar
Taleena,
"It's okay", isn't that what you told me when I apologized for having my little pity party and dumping on all of you? I asked for hugs and the hug train started. I felt so loved.
Well, I think it's time for a hug train to start for you Taleena. Consider it done.
As you can see, from everyone who posted here, we love and care about you. Sometimes, life just gets in the way of our healing process; when we think we are handling everything quite fine. I think you are a lot like me (probably a lot like many of us here) who feel alone and feel that they need to show their strength by being everything to everybody and being the best at it.
I had a 8.0 GPA, too, and when I lost it I felt so stupid and like a true loser. After weeks of feeling this way, I finally got over it, though I am still disappointed with myself. Sounds like you are an perfectionist in an imperfect world (join the team!). We perfectionist have to stick together.
Taleena, it's great to care, but sometimes caring too much, especially when it's out of your control, can be devastating. You are a giver. Don't be so hard on yourself. If it's meant to be, everything with your little niece Liz will work out as it should. The courts, in time, will make the right decision. I know this from my own personal experience with court battles. The best thing you can do for Liz (and for yourself) is just to be there for her and to let her know that you will be there for her (that's all she asked for, remember?).
As for work, we all deal with challenges differently. I, too, was hurt when people I thought were my friends seemed to ignore my illness. In retrospect, I realize that they had to come to terms with it in their own way-just like each of us.
My I suggest that you read the "Desederata" (sp?) find some peace..."go quietly among the noice and haste" my friend and we will be quietly walking right along side you.
Peace,
dmc0 -
T............
I'm afraid that I don't have any real words of wisdom for you here. I'm sorry that you have such a huge amount of stress in your life right now, and I wish I could help you in some way.
Just want you to know that you are very much loved and cherished here. So please don't hesitate to post, regardless of your feelings or emotions, at the time.
Huge bear hugs coming your way!
CR0 -
Hey there T---ladybug22 said:good
good for you comming here . sorry you have so much on your plate. the sister and brothers can help a lot if we just open up dump it out makes the load lighter we love you
DMC & Joyce
Hey there T---
DMC & Joyce said it all for me. I am an introvert, too, and being around people exhausts me. I like peace and quiet, and being alone. And like you, it's rare that I get to have that.
Hang in there. Come here to vent. That's the point, much of the time--to have a place where we can say anything and know that someone out there understands (usually many someones!!)
You are strong. And probably everyone around you sees you that way, except for you, of course. You've got so much going on. I would have had a complete nervous breakdown by now, even without the cancer!!! So, I consider you a veritable rock!
It's hard not to have a close friend or two nearby. I don't have one here either...
Anyway, know that you are loved. Try to take one day at a time. And just keep reading and writing here!
Love you,
Debi0 -
Well ~T
Dosen't it make you feel better to vent? We are only human and can only stay strong for so long. So vent all you want to. I used to find myself hitting the wall just to relieve the tension. If we bottle all of this up we might just explode. LOL
I was always the strong one too. When I was dx I wondered OMG who is going to hold me up.
I found out that I was much stronger than I ever thought I was. No matter how down and out we are or what curve ball is thrown our way we can somehow find the innerstrength we need to pull through.
Thanks for dumping on us. It makes us feel needed.
Hugs
Jadie<30 -
OH ~T~
Welll, I guess I better quit posting, even after YOU told you were here for ME! You don't belong here??? Now wait just a minute!!! I've got the corner on THAT market... after all I don't even have a DX! Taleena, YOU BLONG HERE!!! You have written some pretty powerful spporting posts yourself, and since when I read yours I was #13 to post and they ALL said pretty much the same thing... YOU BELONG HERE! As for "dumping"... Isn't that WHY wwe are here, to "listen" to each, to prop each other, when we need help. I have had some pretty rough days and everyone has told me, they have been there too and told me to feel free to vent, dump, screem, throw a temper tantrum... INCLUDING YOU telling me everything will be OK! you have as much on your plate as anyone of us. If you are in REAL TROUBLE (like you want to hurt yourself) then you get your butt to the hsopital! I just had a suicide counselor tell me, I needed to take care of MYSELF. I was putting myself behind everyone elses needs and I ended up hospitalized because of it. You have to give yourself a break too. There are meds to help us deal with this beast we have inside us. Don't apologize, vent, tell us what you are feeling and you will feel better. WE DO CARE and I know you CARE. Everyone so far has had some great advice too, so let us "prop you up too" Thank you for posting to me when I was dumping when I first started on this board, so now it's my turn! You take care of yourself, dump and vent whenever you need too. Just come back!
Love-n-HUGS
Mike0 -
Bloody hell Woman!The1percen said:OH ~T~
Welll, I guess I better quit posting, even after YOU told you were here for ME! You don't belong here??? Now wait just a minute!!! I've got the corner on THAT market... after all I don't even have a DX! Taleena, YOU BLONG HERE!!! You have written some pretty powerful spporting posts yourself, and since when I read yours I was #13 to post and they ALL said pretty much the same thing... YOU BELONG HERE! As for "dumping"... Isn't that WHY wwe are here, to "listen" to each, to prop each other, when we need help. I have had some pretty rough days and everyone has told me, they have been there too and told me to feel free to vent, dump, screem, throw a temper tantrum... INCLUDING YOU telling me everything will be OK! you have as much on your plate as anyone of us. If you are in REAL TROUBLE (like you want to hurt yourself) then you get your butt to the hsopital! I just had a suicide counselor tell me, I needed to take care of MYSELF. I was putting myself behind everyone elses needs and I ended up hospitalized because of it. You have to give yourself a break too. There are meds to help us deal with this beast we have inside us. Don't apologize, vent, tell us what you are feeling and you will feel better. WE DO CARE and I know you CARE. Everyone so far has had some great advice too, so let us "prop you up too" Thank you for posting to me when I was dumping when I first started on this board, so now it's my turn! You take care of yourself, dump and vent whenever you need too. Just come back!
Love-n-HUGS
Mike
What are we going to do with you? We all love you here. You have been one of US from the start (Hey, even my real Sister couldn't get into the D.S. Club, Yeah and her cat Micky is banned too)
I have no real friends here. I am a total loner, I had a lot of friends in England and I still keep in touch with the few who didn't dump me on diagnosis.
Here all I have is His family. Not really stable eh? I think I know who they'd side with in a push.
BUT.... I have my friends HERE, and these include YOU!
Get Back Here Immediately and stop thinking like 'A One Legged Man at an Arse Kicking Party!'
Hugs to you Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
Thank you EVERYONEtasha_111 said:Bloody hell Woman!
What are we going to do with you? We all love you here. You have been one of US from the start (Hey, even my real Sister couldn't get into the D.S. Club, Yeah and her cat Micky is banned too)
I have no real friends here. I am a total loner, I had a lot of friends in England and I still keep in touch with the few who didn't dump me on diagnosis.
Here all I have is His family. Not really stable eh? I think I know who they'd side with in a push.
BUT.... I have my friends HERE, and these include YOU!
Get Back Here Immediately and stop thinking like 'A One Legged Man at an Arse Kicking Party!'
Hugs to you Jxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
okay.. no more acting like a "One Legged Man at an Arse Kicking Party" as Tasha so eliquently put it! Girl.. no matter what kind of mood I'm in.. you can always make me laugh..!
I just wish that life would throw the crisises one at a time.. at least then I would feel like I had the chance to catch them all. I know my emotions are raw.. hell.. haven't had time to even mourn the loss of my father... let alone deal with all the crazies of my sister in law.. add cancer to that .. and well .. maybe not Cibyl.. but how about the Three Sisters of Eve?
You know.. I am fairly close with the President of the company I work for (unfortunately she's in Chicago).. and recently she told me that I should write a book, but that I would have to sell it as fiction... because no one would believe that all of "that" could happen in just one persons lifetime... and only by the age of 42! Trust me there are days I truly wonder if my life is for some higher powers twisted jokes... lol
They say.. that God never gives us more than we can handle.. I say.. I am beginning to think that he is just a little too confindent!
But I do find much comfort that I have all of you! And that my friends comes straight from that place that I keep safely protected behind a wall of concrete cynder block bricks!! (the heart)!
Maybe it's just PMS... hum.. well.. I know this too shall pass.
Good night
Hugs, Love & Friendship
~T0 -
Zahalene... Thank you sozahalene said:For mercy sakes, woman,
(don't ask me what that means....its a 'my momma' thang).
What do you call 'a LITTLE stress'? You gotta boat load going on. We'd be worried about you if you didn't need us to dump on.
Sorry we can't show up on your door step like Merry Maids with a bucket and mop to get things in order. But we CAN stand in the gap between you and the stuff that tries to blow you away. We are your anchors. You just gotta keep the ropes attached. Post and post and post. Read our responses. Weed out the stuff that don't seem to fit your needs (we're NOT perfect), consider the stuff that makes sense, and then try to make good decisions that move you toward the goal of healing (physical, emotional, spiritual) and back to some joy in your life. It's all any of us can do. God bless.
Zahalene... Thank you so much.. I will keep the ropes attached.. and when it starts slipping I will come back to this post and remind myself to tighten them up!
Hugs, Love & Friendship
~T0 -
Teena.. thank you for thetgf said:Taleena ...
As Zahalene said ... it would be great if we could all show up on your doorstep and help put things in order ... or give you big hugs ... but we can't do that. What we can do for each other is post, post, post. We are here for each other ... no matter what. You are experiencing a pressure from all directions and anyone would be stressed out from everything. I'm sure I would be a basket case. So ... don't be so rough on yourself. You are entitled to feel stressed. With all of the external issues ... I hope you are taking care of yourself.
I wish I had some magic words to make it all better ... but all I can say is that we all care about you ... love you ... and we are here for you. So ... you are NOT alone. We are family and we are all in this together. You need us ... and we need YOU.
love,
teena
Teena.. thank you for the encouraging words.. and your right.. I DO NEED YOU GUYS.. all of you.. that part sometimes is hard for me too... after all.. I have built my life under the false pretence.. "I don't need anyone".. yeah.. okay.. that's a lie!
Hugs to you my friend
~T0 -
Kat.. I just may do that.. IKat11 said:Taleena, Cherished friend,
Taleena, Cherished friend, Your right about one thing, that what this board is for. When you see the doctor, talk to her/him about maybe some meds to help you get through all of this. Hang in there, we will do this together.
Kat.. I just may do that.. I maynot quite be Cibyl.. but sometimes I wonder about the "Three Faces of Eve".. surely they can give me something to help ride this out.. I will talk to him on Tuesday.. I hope you are hanging in there and are doing well.
Hugs, Love & Friendship
~T0 -
Lynn.. Thank you so much..lynn1950 said:Dump Away
That's what we are here for. You have so much on your plate. I would gladly help you carry some of your load. Be kind to yourself. A 4.0 is not all it's cracked up to be. Also, I think crying is a good release. I learned that the hard way. Keep posting. We love you. Lynn
Lynn.. Thank you so much.. and just to let you know, you truly are an inspiration!
To you my friend..
~Cheers
~T0
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