More Funnies
Subject: SICK LEAVE
Harry calls into work and says, 'Hey, I can't come
in to work today, I really sick. Got a headache, stomach
aches and legs hurt. Can't come in.'
> The boss says, 'You know something, Harry, I
> really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
> I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
> makes everything better and I go to work. You try
> that.'
> Two hours later Harry calls again. 'I did what
> you suggested and I feel great. I'll be at work
> soon.........You've got a nice house.'
Comments
-
THAT WAS A GOOD ONElisa42 said:This made me laugh even
This made me laugh even though it was a bit off-color
That was funny...It is a good thing to laugh we do to much crying...It has been such gloomy weather here for days in NY that I needed to laugh to lift the weather blues away..Thanks Julie Got anymore?????0 -
HaHa!Julie 44 said:THAT WAS A GOOD ONE
That was funny...It is a good thing to laugh we do to much crying...It has been such gloomy weather here for days in NY that I needed to laugh to lift the weather blues away..Thanks Julie Got anymore?????
I'd love to hang out with you with some margaritas or a beer! you are so much fun..This cracked me up, you'd be a hoot to hang with, as a lot of people here I'd love to meet!
Hugssss and kisses!
~Donna0 -
Ok, I'll play
Here is something a friend sent me when he heard I had rectal cancer:
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse
Vicki0 -
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
THE MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
THE TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake
a child at night.
THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always
keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
THE DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms
stay inside.
THE FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
THE NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years and look cheerful.
THE INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now
take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty
box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
THE AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There......perfect.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for
9 months. Now remove 1/2 of the beans. Leave it on for the
rest of your life.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set
your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and
read it quietly for the last time.
THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small
child. Lecture them on how they cam improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the
last time you will have all the answers.0 -
Your RightShayenne said:HaHa!
I'd love to hang out with you with some margaritas or a beer! you are so much fun..This cracked me up, you'd be a hoot to hang with, as a lot of people here I'd love to meet!
Hugssss and kisses!
~Donna
We would have a blast....some margaritas and we would be laughing and dancing all night. LMAO0 -
I love itVickiCO said:Ok, I'll play
Here is something a friend sent me when he heard I had rectal cancer:
We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse
(__!__) a fat arse
(!) a tight arse
(_*_) a sore arse
(_x_) kiss my arse
(_X_) leave my arse alone
(_zzz_) a tired arse
(_E=mc2_) a smart arse
(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse
Vicki
IF you dont mind I will have to steal this one... I know a few at work that fall into these some of these...LOL
Beth0 -
this is what I needed this morning!PhillieG said:HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
THE MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.
THE TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all
over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake
a child at night.
THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals
(goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always
keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
THE DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms
stay inside.
THE FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
THE NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm.
Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years and look cheerful.
THE INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now
take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty
box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
THE AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There......perfect.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for
9 months. Now remove 1/2 of the beans. Leave it on for the
rest of your life.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set
your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and
read it quietly for the last time.
THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small
child. Lecture them on how they cam improve their
discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the
last time you will have all the answers.
Phil,
You made my morning! I had a rough start to my day with dealing w/ my 16 yr old son (won't get into that discussion!) Anyhow, you got me laughing. Some of these are sooo true!
I hope you don't mind that I'm going to copy and paste and send this to some of girlfriends (all moms themselves)
Lisa0 -
: - )lisa42 said:this is what I needed this morning!
Phil,
You made my morning! I had a rough start to my day with dealing w/ my 16 yr old son (won't get into that discussion!) Anyhow, you got me laughing. Some of these are sooo true!
I hope you don't mind that I'm going to copy and paste and send this to some of girlfriends (all moms themselves)
Lisa
Please Lisa, pass it on. They are funny, so many are so true.
-p0 -
they are all goodPhillieG said:: - )
Please Lisa, pass it on. They are funny, so many are so true.
-p
you guys had me laughing again - gotta love it.0
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