More Funnies

dorookie
dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hope I dont offend anyone if I do I am sorry, please let me know and I will stop. Just woke up and wanted to laugh and share the laughter...

Subject: SICK LEAVE

Harry calls into work and says, 'Hey, I can't come
in to work today, I really sick. Got a headache, stomach
aches and legs hurt. Can't come in.'

> The boss says, 'You know something, Harry, I
> really need you today. When I feel sick like you do,
> I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
> makes everything better and I go to work. You try
> that.'

> Two hours later Harry calls again. 'I did what
> you suggested and I feel great. I'll be at work
> soon.........You've got a nice house.'

Comments

  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #2
    This made me laugh even
    This made me laugh even though it was a bit off-color :)
  • Julie 44
    Julie 44 Member Posts: 476 Member
    #3
    lisa42 said:

    This made me laugh even
    This made me laugh even though it was a bit off-color :)

    THAT WAS A GOOD ONE
    That was funny...It is a good thing to laugh we do to much crying...It has been such gloomy weather here for days in NY that I needed to laugh to lift the weather blues away..Thanks Julie Got anymore?????
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #4
    Julie 44 said:

    THAT WAS A GOOD ONE
    That was funny...It is a good thing to laugh we do to much crying...It has been such gloomy weather here for days in NY that I needed to laugh to lift the weather blues away..Thanks Julie Got anymore?????

    HaHa!
    I'd love to hang out with you with some margaritas or a beer! you are so much fun..This cracked me up, you'd be a hoot to hang with, as a lot of people here I'd love to meet!

    Hugssss and kisses!
    ~Donna
  • VickiCO
    VickiCO Member Posts: 917
    #5
    Ok, I'll play
    Here is something a friend sent me when he heard I had rectal cancer:

    We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
    Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

    Here goes:

    (_!_) a regular arse

    (__!__) a fat arse

    (!) a tight arse

    (_*_) a sore arse

    (_x_) kiss my arse

    (_X_) leave my arse alone

    (_zzz_) a tired arse

    (_E=mc2_) a smart arse

    (_$_) Money coming out of his arse

    (_?_) Dumb arse



    Vicki
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #6
    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN

    THE MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
    Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
    summer.

    THE TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
    substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all
    over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
    bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake
    a child at night.

    THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals
    (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always
    keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    THE DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
    Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms
    stay inside.

    THE FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
    halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
    Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
    cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
    an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    THE NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
    fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
    water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
    9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm.
    Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
    heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
    4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast.
    Keep this up for 5 years and look cheerful.

    THE INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
    scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now
    take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
    Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
    Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty
    box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
    Tower.

    THE AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
    Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
    compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
    cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
    chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
    rake along both sides of the car. There......perfect.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and
    attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for
    9 months. Now remove 1/2 of the beans. Leave it on for the
    rest of your life.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set
    your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
    Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
    office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
    deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and
    read it quietly for the last time.

    THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small
    child. Lecture them on how they cam improve their
    discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
    child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
    Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
    children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the
    last time you will have all the answers.
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    #7
    Shayenne said:

    HaHa!
    I'd love to hang out with you with some margaritas or a beer! you are so much fun..This cracked me up, you'd be a hoot to hang with, as a lot of people here I'd love to meet!

    Hugssss and kisses!
    ~Donna

    Your Right
    We would have a blast....some margaritas and we would be laughing and dancing all night. LMAO
  • dorookie
    dorookie Member Posts: 1,731 Member
    #8
    VickiCO said:

    Ok, I'll play
    Here is something a friend sent me when he heard I had rectal cancer:

    We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(
    Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

    Here goes:

    (_!_) a regular arse

    (__!__) a fat arse

    (!) a tight arse

    (_*_) a sore arse

    (_x_) kiss my arse

    (_X_) leave my arse alone

    (_zzz_) a tired arse

    (_E=mc2_) a smart arse

    (_$_) Money coming out of his arse

    (_?_) Dumb arse



    Vicki

    I love it
    IF you dont mind I will have to steal this one... I know a few at work that fall into these some of these...LOL

    Beth
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #9
    PhillieG said:

    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
    HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN

    THE MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
    Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
    summer.

    THE TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
    substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all
    over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
    bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake
    a child at night.

    THE GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals
    (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always
    keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

    THE DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
    Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms
    stay inside.

    THE FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill
    halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord.
    Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
    cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be
    an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    THE NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
    fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in
    water. At 3:00 pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
    9:00 pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm.
    Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
    heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until
    4:00am. Set the alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast.
    Keep this up for 5 years and look cheerful.

    THE INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of
    scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now
    take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
    Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
    Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty
    box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
    Tower.

    THE AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon.
    Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
    compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the
    cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate
    chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden
    rake along both sides of the car. There......perfect.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and
    attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for
    9 months. Now remove 1/2 of the beans. Leave it on for the
    rest of your life.

    THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set
    your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
    Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
    office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
    deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and
    read it quietly for the last time.

    THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small
    child. Lecture them on how they cam improve their
    discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and
    child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
    Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
    children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the
    last time you will have all the answers.

    this is what I needed this morning!
    Phil,

    You made my morning! I had a rough start to my day with dealing w/ my 16 yr old son (won't get into that discussion!) Anyhow, you got me laughing. Some of these are sooo true!
    I hope you don't mind that I'm going to copy and paste and send this to some of girlfriends (all moms themselves) :)

    Lisa
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #10
    lisa42 said:

    this is what I needed this morning!
    Phil,

    You made my morning! I had a rough start to my day with dealing w/ my 16 yr old son (won't get into that discussion!) Anyhow, you got me laughing. Some of these are sooo true!
    I hope you don't mind that I'm going to copy and paste and send this to some of girlfriends (all moms themselves) :)

    Lisa

    : - )
    Please Lisa, pass it on. They are funny, so many are so true.
    -p
  • daydreamer110761
    daydreamer110761 Member Posts: 487 Member
    #11
    PhillieG said:

    : - )
    Please Lisa, pass it on. They are funny, so many are so true.
    -p

    they are all good
    you guys had me laughing again - gotta love it.
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #12
    I did
    Phil,
    I did pass it on. Isn't it amazing how laughter can make you feel better??!!
    It did me.

    Take care-

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