Why am I so sad????
Hugs, Marilynn
Comments
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hi marilyn, i have had those
hi marilyn, i have had those exact feelings. i've had my one year appt. with the onc and surgeon and tomorrow i will have my mammogram. i have struggled with fatigue for the whole year and it still plagues me to this day. i force myself to do things, walk the dogs, and see friends but most of the time i would rather be on the couch. i was also never like this. my zest for life is a bit stifled now but i have to be hopeful that i will improve. as my doc said,"your body is so busy inside remaking cells etc, the physical is first and then the mental"."She also said now the hard work begins". makes sense to me but still i feel like you do a lot of the time. we are only one year out and in the scheme of things that is not a long time. i know i am making progress and i am sure that you are as well. although i can't see it i have to believe that things are going as they are supposed to go. know that i support you. and believe that you will heal, give yourself permission to heal and before you know it you will have more good days than bad days. being positive when one doesn't feel well is hard i know, but what choice do we have? love, peggy0 -
Anniversary
Marilyn, I wish that I could make the sadness and fear go away. There isn't anything wrong with you for feeling this way. We all do, at various times, in varying intensities. And, like Marcia said, one year is not that far away from diagnosis and treatment. The anniversary and doctor/test rounds are bringing it all back, I am sure.
Please be patient with yourself. You will get through this time. The verve will come back, and you will have a good life again.0 -
MarilynnMarcia527 said:One year anniversary is
One year anniversary is still pretty close to all the treatments. I was still pretty jumpy at one year. Hang in there. I'll be six in August.
I'm sorry that you feel so scared and so sad ... but I have a feeling that it is all totally expected under the circumstances. I'm still in treatment ... but I have a feeling that after this is "over" ... psychologically ... I will still be waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and also be living a life of "fear." I will be watching every mole and freckle ... every little change in my body ... and also probably imagining changes that aren't really there. I'm a born worrier ... and can make mountains out of mole-hills. I'm not sure there's anything anyone (including the doctors) can tell me to reassure me that I am "well."
I just keep telling myself that life does not come with a guarantee. There are so many people "out there" who have cancer and don't know it. At least I found out ... and had treatment. Others are still going about their lives not knowing what's going on in their bodies. At least now that I have been diagnosed the doctors are watching me closer than those who don't know they have cancer.
I also keep telling myself that since I am a worrier ... I must admit that influences my quality of life. The way I handle that is with anti-depressants. If you are not on medication for depression you need to discuss that with your doctor at your next appointment. I'm sure what you are feeling is perfectly "normal" for someone going through what you've experienced and the way you look at the future ... but that does not make you feel better. You want the "old" normal back ... instead of this "new" normal. But ... it is what it is ... and we have to deal with it... but I honestly don't think I could function without anti-depressants.
I'll be thinking of you ... and please let us know how you are doing.
hugs.
Teena
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(((((((HUGS))))))
I remember a long, long time ago, one of my closest friends made the agonizing decision to terminate a pregnancy. She told me that aside from the obvious, one of the most devastating things after the fact was that it seemed to her that EVERY car she was behind on the freeway had an Abortion Is Murder bumper-sticker. Or it seemed that EVERY woman in her age group she saw in the market was glowingly pregnant. The pregnant women and bumper stickers had always been there of course, they just didn't apply directly to her~ until then.
I think our cancers are much the same. We have always known "it" existed, we may have had family and friends be diagnosed, and we have seen them survive, but we have also lost some. But it wasn't happening to us personally. Until it was.
The black cloud of inevitability really does dissapate, sweet Marilyn. We have been made more aware than we would like of possibilities, and some days that plays havoc with our emotions.
I'm glad that you feel the freedom to post , knowing that this is a safe place . We really do understand, and each of us feels what you are feeling. Some days more so, some days less. I hope your days of thinking about it less will be with you soon.
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
I have been thinking......
I have been thinking lately, that therapy should be a standard part of cancer treatment. Surgery, chemo, rads AND therapy. Even if it's just to have someone help us work through our fears.
I also think...just my opinion...that some of the hardest times come after treatment is essentially over. And you are not seeing your team of doctors frequently. I know that I sometimes feel like I've been set adrift in a huge sea of "what now". Like my security blanket has been taken away.
I think that's a pretty common feeling.
Marilynn, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I think we all feel that doubt and fear, to some extent. In fact, if we didn't, we would probably be in denial!
And I agree, an antidepressant might help, so talk with your doctor.
Great big, reassuring hugs for you!
CR0 -
"It"CR1954 said:I have been thinking......
I have been thinking lately, that therapy should be a standard part of cancer treatment. Surgery, chemo, rads AND therapy. Even if it's just to have someone help us work through our fears.
I also think...just my opinion...that some of the hardest times come after treatment is essentially over. And you are not seeing your team of doctors frequently. I know that I sometimes feel like I've been set adrift in a huge sea of "what now". Like my security blanket has been taken away.
I think that's a pretty common feeling.
Marilynn, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I think we all feel that doubt and fear, to some extent. In fact, if we didn't, we would probably be in denial!
And I agree, an antidepressant might help, so talk with your doctor.
Great big, reassuring hugs for you!
CR
I too am approaching my one year anniversary of diagnosis (5/13) and mastectomy (6/18). I also have tears rolling down my face as I read these posts. No matter what I do, the good days or the bad days, there is no getting away from "it"...the cancer. I view this like a track with the cancer in the middle. The first inside lane is the diagnosis, the next lane is the surgery,then the radiation, and last month I moved to the next lane of having the expanders out/implants in. No matter how far out each lane is, it still circles the cancer and I'm exhausted running these circles. Family and friends see "fine" and have no idea. My mom, diagnosed over 25 years ago is NO help. I think being preoccupied with looking at the next step/procedure kept me from allowing the sadness. Now I've opened the gate and the flood is here. I have more good than bad days and I have no regrets. I'll make it to the next lane and hopefully find a straight path to run on someday.
dawn0 -
Whewdbs1673 said:"It"
I too am approaching my one year anniversary of diagnosis (5/13) and mastectomy (6/18). I also have tears rolling down my face as I read these posts. No matter what I do, the good days or the bad days, there is no getting away from "it"...the cancer. I view this like a track with the cancer in the middle. The first inside lane is the diagnosis, the next lane is the surgery,then the radiation, and last month I moved to the next lane of having the expanders out/implants in. No matter how far out each lane is, it still circles the cancer and I'm exhausted running these circles. Family and friends see "fine" and have no idea. My mom, diagnosed over 25 years ago is NO help. I think being preoccupied with looking at the next step/procedure kept me from allowing the sadness. Now I've opened the gate and the flood is here. I have more good than bad days and I have no regrets. I'll make it to the next lane and hopefully find a straight path to run on someday.
dawn
So well put. It IS the cancer ALWAYS being there, isn't it. Thanks for saying it so well. Lynn0 -
CR is rightCR1954 said:I have been thinking......
I have been thinking lately, that therapy should be a standard part of cancer treatment. Surgery, chemo, rads AND therapy. Even if it's just to have someone help us work through our fears.
I also think...just my opinion...that some of the hardest times come after treatment is essentially over. And you are not seeing your team of doctors frequently. I know that I sometimes feel like I've been set adrift in a huge sea of "what now". Like my security blanket has been taken away.
I think that's a pretty common feeling.
Marilynn, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I think we all feel that doubt and fear, to some extent. In fact, if we didn't, we would probably be in denial!
And I agree, an antidepressant might help, so talk with your doctor.
Great big, reassuring hugs for you!
CR
I am 18 months after diagnosis, I did great for all the treatments and then BANG! I hit a brick wall of depression and got soooooo down I was actually suicidal. Luckily the people around me saw this happening and sent me to the doc for antidepressants (Happy Pills), I was dead against them. But my Doc said this was only to be expected and he was waiting for it.... He tried a couple that didn't work well for me then we found Zoloft, I am now getting on with life, not drugged out of my mind or even slowed down. I hope you can soon get to the same place.
Hugs Jxxxxxxxxxxx0 -
I understand!
Marilyn
I think we all understand what you are feeling whether we are finished with treatment or still taking it. Cancer has sadly changed our lives, some good, some bad. And the fear, at times, overwhelms us. I don't think there is any magic pill that can take that away or remove it from part of our thinking process...darn it! I wish there was. All we can do is proceed forward, think positive and if we need help, ask for it, get it, don't try to be so dang strong that you don't allow these feelings out. That is one reason this board is so wonderful...we can let it all out here, if no other place! Hugs to you!
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Hugs to you, Marilynn
As someone else here already stated, one year out isn't very far away from the original trauma of diagnosis. It's been almost 6 years for me now; and, I still get nervous before follow-ups with my onc - and, in particular, mammograms. My first mammogram after all treatment had been completed - where you are now - I was so scared, I cried in the reception area, after registering.
All I can offer you at this moment, Marilynn, is the genuine assurance that it WILL get better, with time. Time is not on your side just yet. But, it will be. There is absolutely nothing "wrong" with you. Cancer is serious, and complicated. And, yes, frightening. However, life does go on. We must move forward, because that's the only way to travel this road, this journey. Please, don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe don't expect so much. Give yourself a break, because you most certainly deserve it!
Many, many of us totally understand your feelings. You know you can come here for support and encouragement, 24/7.
However, with all of those appointments coming up, please - also speak openly with your own doctors about what you're going through right now. Please don't be ashamed to ask for help. I'll be hoping they can provide you with additional understanding and assistance.
Best wishes to you.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
Why are you so sad?
I am now a 2 year survivor. I also had some difficult times at my one year anniversary. I had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. I'm now on Femara. My prognosis is excellent - 95% chance of no recurrence! However, I was feeling so bad at the one year mark, that I went to see a psychologist. She was great. She said that what I was feeling was typical of post-traumatic stress. During treatment, you are focused on healing. It doesn't really hit until later, and then you feel the weight of the world. I remember thinking that I couldn't deal with even the smallest amount of stress. Minor things that in the past wouldn't have bothered me, now seemed like a big deal. I had been through so much (I've also had thyroid cancer 15 years ago and a recurrence last summer.) and just felt I couldn't deal with anything else. I just wanted to be left alone. It was so great to hear from the psychologist that this was a normal reaction to a life-threatening event. AFter the first visit, I immediately felt so much better. After 4 months of meeting with her every other week, I no longer felt I needed to see her. Now that I am 2 years past diagnosis, I have moments of feeling the way I felt at one year, but they are few and far between. Hang in there, it gets better!!!!! It's still scary before every doctor's visit and MRI or mammogram follow-up, but the day to day feelings are so much better.
Good luck to you.0 -
Marilyn I know what you
Marilyn I know what you mean. I've had some really awful depressions throughout this. Isn't it funny (ha ha) how somedays it doesn't matter what you have in life we still feel depressed and sad, forlorn and abandoned yet another time when you had so much to lose you were able to see all the positives in life and not just see them but really feel them. I always thought it was just a hormone fluctuation but it very well could be post traumatic stress.
I sometimes feel that my fate is sealed too esp since I can't find an anti-hormonal that likes me. Just feel unlucky. Oh you should hear me go on (only in my mind of course). Oh my son doesn't care, my daughter-in-law hates me, I'll never know my grandchildren cause I live so far away and the other grandma is like RIGHT THERE, my husband doesn't love me, even the cats have an ulterior motive when pretending to want affection. I'm a nobody...a loser yadayada blah blah blah....God I can make myself sick!! I'd probably get some antidepressants if it continued on but I seem to get out it before the doc app't.
Hon, I don't know exactly why you're sad I just know that it seems to be pretty common amongst us women. I really wish we could know then perhaps we could know how to combat it.
Where is that Dr. Susan when we need her. LOL
I do hope you feel better and I'm sending you warmth, sunshine and cyber hugs
love
jan0 -
I am just 2 and a half month
I am just 2 and a half month out from surgery and am still "expanding" but often feel kind of adrift--like what do I do now? I think that is a normal and maybe even health response to having a life threatening illness and going thru treatment for such. I thought that I would just breeze thru this whole thing. It was just siomething I had to do and then I would just continue my life as it was. Boy was I wrong. Someone said that therapy--mental health therapy should be a standard protocol for cancer recovery and I could not agree more. There are days that my emotions get the better of me. I hate it when it is in front of my staff, but heh we have been thru a lot and sadness and depression is to be expected. Just don't let it get the better of you. Talk to your doc and get anti-depressants and find a good therapist to talk to. I admire all of the women I have read here and thank goodness I found this forum. It is really helpful. Kay0 -
P.S. to Marilynn...
I sincerely hope that after all of the doctor follow-up appointments & the mammogram, and once you've been given that "all is well" reassurance, you'll be able to celebrate your one year anniversary. Because it's a real milestone along the journey!
Take good care.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
Dawn...dbs1673 said:"It"
I too am approaching my one year anniversary of diagnosis (5/13) and mastectomy (6/18). I also have tears rolling down my face as I read these posts. No matter what I do, the good days or the bad days, there is no getting away from "it"...the cancer. I view this like a track with the cancer in the middle. The first inside lane is the diagnosis, the next lane is the surgery,then the radiation, and last month I moved to the next lane of having the expanders out/implants in. No matter how far out each lane is, it still circles the cancer and I'm exhausted running these circles. Family and friends see "fine" and have no idea. My mom, diagnosed over 25 years ago is NO help. I think being preoccupied with looking at the next step/procedure kept me from allowing the sadness. Now I've opened the gate and the flood is here. I have more good than bad days and I have no regrets. I'll make it to the next lane and hopefully find a straight path to run on someday.
dawn
That's a great analogy. And I love analogies! So, thank you, Dawn! I find them helpful, a tool to look at a situation in a different way. Sometimes just turning around our perspective, without ignoring the truth, can be liberating.
My brother-in-law's mother has always said: "Flip the coin over." I'd never, ever heard anybody else say that. But, I do understand what she means. Every coin has two sides. If you don't like one side, simply flip it over and look at the other side. Still holding the same coin. Doesn't change the value.
With each step you take to fight your battle, you will most certainly get farther and farther away...
I will hope that you will be able, at some point soon, to celebrate your upcoming one year anniversaries. Though difficult to reach, those are very important milestones.
Take good care.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
CR, wise woman you are...CR1954 said:I have been thinking......
I have been thinking lately, that therapy should be a standard part of cancer treatment. Surgery, chemo, rads AND therapy. Even if it's just to have someone help us work through our fears.
I also think...just my opinion...that some of the hardest times come after treatment is essentially over. And you are not seeing your team of doctors frequently. I know that I sometimes feel like I've been set adrift in a huge sea of "what now". Like my security blanket has been taken away.
I think that's a pretty common feeling.
Marilynn, I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. I think we all feel that doubt and fear, to some extent. In fact, if we didn't, we would probably be in denial!
And I agree, an antidepressant might help, so talk with your doctor.
Great big, reassuring hugs for you!
CR
Couldn't agree with you more! YES, just like being set adrift... Thrown overboard with a life preserver, so we won't drown. But the only way to reach continued survival is to swim to shore, all on our own! While swimming to shore, that's when some type of standard therapy should be included - as a sort of tow rope!
Kind regards, Susan0 -
Hello, straussu!straussu said:Why are you so sad?
I am now a 2 year survivor. I also had some difficult times at my one year anniversary. I had a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. I'm now on Femara. My prognosis is excellent - 95% chance of no recurrence! However, I was feeling so bad at the one year mark, that I went to see a psychologist. She was great. She said that what I was feeling was typical of post-traumatic stress. During treatment, you are focused on healing. It doesn't really hit until later, and then you feel the weight of the world. I remember thinking that I couldn't deal with even the smallest amount of stress. Minor things that in the past wouldn't have bothered me, now seemed like a big deal. I had been through so much (I've also had thyroid cancer 15 years ago and a recurrence last summer.) and just felt I couldn't deal with anything else. I just wanted to be left alone. It was so great to hear from the psychologist that this was a normal reaction to a life-threatening event. AFter the first visit, I immediately felt so much better. After 4 months of meeting with her every other week, I no longer felt I needed to see her. Now that I am 2 years past diagnosis, I have moments of feeling the way I felt at one year, but they are few and far between. Hang in there, it gets better!!!!! It's still scary before every doctor's visit and MRI or mammogram follow-up, but the day to day feelings are so much better.
Good luck to you.
Congratulations on hitting that all important 2 year mark for breast cancer survival! Though, at the same time, I'm sorry to learn of your double bout with thyroid cancer. My dad is now a one year thyroid cancer survivor.
Post-traumatic stress disorder. Eureka! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS TO US, AS CANCER SURVIVORS! Thank you. I'll never forget that. Am so glad you were able to find a therapist that helped you along the way.
And yes - "moments" is exactly the way I describe it. As long as those moments don't last too long (I actually allow myself a day at a time), I'm OK.
Thanks, again, for sharing. Best wishes to you.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
Almost 3 years...
I still have moments.
BUT, a 'tincture of time' goes a long, long way. You have made the first step, paying attention to the feelings. And wanting to deal with them. I still think the best analogy for me was 'post traumatic stress'. As others have already said, when you are in the fight, you are too busy to react to what you are fighting. It's after all the shouting that it creeps in like a thief.
I usually allow myself 24 hours of feeling down, and then, well, that's all it gets. I figure something out to make me smile...a walk at the beach, lunch with my friends....
Hugs from a 'been there/done that'....
Hugs, Kathi0
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