Why am I so sad????
Comments
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Another thought
Hi Marilynn,
I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I am 16 months out from diagnosis, 8 months out from completing all treatments. I definitely have periods where I am so upset with the way my brain is accepting/not accepting my life as it is. I become very emotional and cry at anything. For me, I have decided that a HUGE part of it is the realization that I am forever changed by this nasty beast. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and family, a great job and I thought I had some idea how my life would play out. Now everything has changed and not my any of my doing. It is so unfair (but then life seldom is fair). I hate that my body is forever changed (I had a mastectomy with reconstruction and still and 1 nippled) but worse yet, my brain, emotional status, and soul have been changed as well and I will never be able to return to the person that I was before. I think it is these thoughts that upset me the most but...................
I refuse to let cancer ruin my life. No matter how much life I have left!!! Yes, I also have many moments of fear of the cancer returning but I REFUSE to live my life in fear or anger or dispair. So every moment that I am strong enough to manage it, I live in the moment and do whatever it takes to make me happy and positive. Even if it may be that I am living in denial but it is happy living and that is what I choose. This doesn't always work for me, but I try.
God bless,
Rita0 -
Hi Marilynn,
I don't have
Hi Marilynn,
I don't have much else to add except I wish I had Straussu's(I hope I remembered your name correctly) psychologist. Almost 4 yrs. out and I still have my crying jags. What I have learned is that they always go away. They will come back and go away. I am on anti-depressants and they have helped a great deal. The other thing I've learned is that the stages of grief are not linear, they are circular. We don't go through sadness 1st, anger 2nd, etc. and then we are done with sadness, whew, no more sadness. At each stage of our wellness, we must adjust our lives and we go through some sort of grieving at each stage. Does that make any sense? That is why that 10 years out, we may feel some sort of sadness again and it's perfectly normal. We are adjusting to new lives every year that we are alive. I can feel your sadness and I know things don't look hopeful, but they will again soon. So don't give up! We love you.
Big Hugs
Donna0 -
I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
Here is my story. I had my annual mammogram in May 2008. Something wasn't right, I went through the tests, had a biopsy and was diagnosed with early stage 1 breast cancer in July 2008. I had a lumpectomy and the Oncotype DX test done. The Oncotype came back that I had a low recurrence score and would only need six weeks radiation and NO CHEMO! I finished radiation in October 2008 and am now taking Tamoxifen. I was worried about the Tamoxifen side effects such as menopause like symptons. I'm too young for menopause. So far so good, the side effects are minimal. I know how very lucky I am. However, I sometimes get so sad and can cry at the drop of a hat. I have a wonderful husband, good friends, etc., and know that my recurrence chance is low. So why do I feel this way sometimes? I've already had two follow-up mammograms (one in January 2009 and then again in April) Everything was good. My oncologist and surgeon are wonderful and have made me very comfortable. Sometimes I stop and can't believe it happened to me. I have this overwhelming fear that takes hold and I imagine all sorts of scenarios. I've researched all types of support groups and they all seem to be geared towards people that have had chemo. I've seen some books and they also are geared towards women that have had chemo and have lost their breasts. Sometimes I feel like screaming, "hey what about support for people like me". I know how lucky I am but hey I HAD BREAST CANCER TOO AND I AM TRYING NOT TO LET THE FEAR TAKE HOLD.0 -
You all are GRRRRRREAT!!!!
Thanks so much to all of you. This site is the safe zone, the TLC zone and the nourishing zone. There are words of wisdom from all of you and I appreciate knowing that you all really do understand and that I'm not strange. You've made my heart hurt less and my spirits brighter. "Thank you" doesn't seem to cover it, but thanks to each and every one of you. I love you all. Marilynn0 -
Marilyn I am coming up on myPiggies said:I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
Here is my story. I had my annual mammogram in May 2008. Something wasn't right, I went through the tests, had a biopsy and was diagnosed with early stage 1 breast cancer in July 2008. I had a lumpectomy and the Oncotype DX test done. The Oncotype came back that I had a low recurrence score and would only need six weeks radiation and NO CHEMO! I finished radiation in October 2008 and am now taking Tamoxifen. I was worried about the Tamoxifen side effects such as menopause like symptons. I'm too young for menopause. So far so good, the side effects are minimal. I know how very lucky I am. However, I sometimes get so sad and can cry at the drop of a hat. I have a wonderful husband, good friends, etc., and know that my recurrence chance is low. So why do I feel this way sometimes? I've already had two follow-up mammograms (one in January 2009 and then again in April) Everything was good. My oncologist and surgeon are wonderful and have made me very comfortable. Sometimes I stop and can't believe it happened to me. I have this overwhelming fear that takes hold and I imagine all sorts of scenarios. I've researched all types of support groups and they all seem to be geared towards people that have had chemo. I've seen some books and they also are geared towards women that have had chemo and have lost their breasts. Sometimes I feel like screaming, "hey what about support for people like me". I know how lucky I am but hey I HAD BREAST CANCER TOO AND I AM TRYING NOT TO LET THE FEAR TAKE HOLD.
Marilyn I am coming up on my one year in June. I still have a lot of sad days, but my crying had stopped, until today. I was ask to explain what happen after my mastectomy and I begin to tell it and I broke down tears were rolling down my face. I got myself together, but I realized that I never said anything about what I went though right after my surgery. Today I I had to re-live it over agian. So, feeling sad is part of feeling better.0 -
To Piggies...Piggies said:I thought I was the only one who felt that way!
Here is my story. I had my annual mammogram in May 2008. Something wasn't right, I went through the tests, had a biopsy and was diagnosed with early stage 1 breast cancer in July 2008. I had a lumpectomy and the Oncotype DX test done. The Oncotype came back that I had a low recurrence score and would only need six weeks radiation and NO CHEMO! I finished radiation in October 2008 and am now taking Tamoxifen. I was worried about the Tamoxifen side effects such as menopause like symptons. I'm too young for menopause. So far so good, the side effects are minimal. I know how very lucky I am. However, I sometimes get so sad and can cry at the drop of a hat. I have a wonderful husband, good friends, etc., and know that my recurrence chance is low. So why do I feel this way sometimes? I've already had two follow-up mammograms (one in January 2009 and then again in April) Everything was good. My oncologist and surgeon are wonderful and have made me very comfortable. Sometimes I stop and can't believe it happened to me. I have this overwhelming fear that takes hold and I imagine all sorts of scenarios. I've researched all types of support groups and they all seem to be geared towards people that have had chemo. I've seen some books and they also are geared towards women that have had chemo and have lost their breasts. Sometimes I feel like screaming, "hey what about support for people like me". I know how lucky I am but hey I HAD BREAST CANCER TOO AND I AM TRYING NOT TO LET THE FEAR TAKE HOLD.
As you have probably already figured out, having joined this amazing group last month (as I did)...
We do not discriminate here. We are ALL breast cancer survivors. Therefore, no matter the individual circumstances - ALL are welcome. We join together to help & share, support & encourage. Although we all travel the same journey, we recognize that the trip itself varies for each of us. Doesn't matter. The journey is not a competition. The diagnosis brings very similar emotions, reactions, ups & downs, difficulties - the list goes on and on. Which is why there is so much empathy, compassion, and understanding within the group. We can and do relate to each other in ways those outside of the experience simply cannot.
No, you are NOT lucky, dear. I would never, ever consider you to be "lucky" because your treatment included "only" lumpectomy and radiation - good grief!!! NONE of us are LUCKY. Because we are ALL breast cancer survivors.
I, personally, bristle when people tell me how "lucky" I am. I want to scream at them: "No, YOU are lucky. Because YOU have NOT been diagnosed with cancer!" But, I don't. I prefer GRATEFUL. I am GRATEFUL to be alive.
My surgery was lumpectomy, also. I have grown to truly admire our sisters who undergo mastectomy & reconstruction. Because surgery scares me almost as much as the cancer itself.
I also endured horrific chemotherapy. Others undergo a chemo protocol that isn't nearly as bad. Many, like you, don't require chemo at all. Extremely invasive chemo is an experience that is almost alien; i.e., not human. It certainly deserves separate attention. But in the end - again, doesn't matter. Not here, at least.
I sincerely believe that you have found the perfect support group. And, I hope you agree. Because you are not alone in your fears. We acknowledge and recognize your fears. We share them.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
To dorothyt...dorothyt said:Marilyn I am coming up on my
Marilyn I am coming up on my one year in June. I still have a lot of sad days, but my crying had stopped, until today. I was ask to explain what happen after my mastectomy and I begin to tell it and I broke down tears were rolling down my face. I got myself together, but I realized that I never said anything about what I went though right after my surgery. Today I I had to re-live it over agian. So, feeling sad is part of feeling better.
Tears are good therapy! Sounds like you experienced a relief of sorts today. I'm sorry for the sadness, but glad if you're feeling better.
So many here within this thread facing that all important and significant one year anniversary. It's a real milestone. Brings a lot of baggage along, unfortunately. However, I'll say to to you what I've said to everyone else - I sincerely hope you'll find that your first anniversary will be a reason to celebrate. Even if that doesn't happen 'til afterwards.
I'm an almost 6 year survivor. That first one is very difficult. They do get better with time, I can assure you.
Kind regards, Susan0 -
I share your feelingsmgm42 said:You all are GRRRRRREAT!!!!
Thanks so much to all of you. This site is the safe zone, the TLC zone and the nourishing zone. There are words of wisdom from all of you and I appreciate knowing that you all really do understand and that I'm not strange. You've made my heart hurt less and my spirits brighter. "Thank you" doesn't seem to cover it, but thanks to each and every one of you. I love you all. Marilynn
Marilynn, I wish you the very best on your upcoming doctor's appointments. Although I had a double mastectomy and chemo, I, too, worry about recurrence, especially because I'm BRCA positive. I wish I had scans, etc., but with a mastectomy the standard of care is just three month check-ups with my oncologist and breast surgeon in which they 'palpate' me. That's it. This makes me feel very insecure, but after much research I have confirmed that this is the standard of care.
I think about recurrence at odd moments: all of a sudden it will hit me that this could happen again and be fatal. What helps me is not antidepressants, but hearing about stories of long-term survivors, even famous people who are long-term survivors like Nancy Reagan and Shirley Temple. I am also helped by thinking about how wrong doctors can be: doctors diagnosed my father with chronic leukemia and gave him only a few years to live, yet he lived another 33 years and died at the age of 82.
I also hate the 'new normal.' I have received so many compliments on my 'new' hair, but I want the old hair back! But what can we do? We just have to go on and trust in God.
Hugs,
Ohilly0 -
Hello, Rita - my fellow Midwesterner!ritazimm said:Another thought
Hi Marilynn,
I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. I am 16 months out from diagnosis, 8 months out from completing all treatments. I definitely have periods where I am so upset with the way my brain is accepting/not accepting my life as it is. I become very emotional and cry at anything. For me, I have decided that a HUGE part of it is the realization that I am forever changed by this nasty beast. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful husband and family, a great job and I thought I had some idea how my life would play out. Now everything has changed and not my any of my doing. It is so unfair (but then life seldom is fair). I hate that my body is forever changed (I had a mastectomy with reconstruction and still and 1 nippled) but worse yet, my brain, emotional status, and soul have been changed as well and I will never be able to return to the person that I was before. I think it is these thoughts that upset me the most but...................
I refuse to let cancer ruin my life. No matter how much life I have left!!! Yes, I also have many moments of fear of the cancer returning but I REFUSE to live my life in fear or anger or dispair. So every moment that I am strong enough to manage it, I live in the moment and do whatever it takes to make me happy and positive. Even if it may be that I am living in denial but it is happy living and that is what I choose. This doesn't always work for me, but I try.
God bless,
Rita
Haven't seen a post from you in a while - so, good to "see" you here, dear!
You know, I think you're doing great, Rita. In no way mean to make light of your struggles. We all feel what you're feeling. Somehow, someway, we get there... Find our own way to the "new normal"... We grieve the losses, and there are many - too many - for most of us. But, as with ALL loss - eventually, life goes on.
Trying... That's ALL we can do. Just keep trying!
Kind regards, Susan0 -
I understand
Hi Marilynn
I'm a 1 year cancer survivor. We've gone through a lot. Don't cry everything will be fine. When my husband found my lump after a mammogram my life changed instantly. Long story short. I was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2. First 2 days I cried and prepared for death. I was getting my kids (2sons) situated. My husband told me on the third day his words" Just tell God thank you for everything". And that's what I did. I began to feel myself again. I relied on my faith (no offence). My mother use to say before I lost her "I'm going, not know, just trusting. My thoughts if the other side is good enough for her it's good enough for me too. What else can you do. Enjoy life as much as possible because tommorrow is not promised to anyone. I've met so many people who's caught cancer. It's becoming to common. Just this morning got a phone call from a friend. He told me he had a employee who was just diagnosed with cancer who had just started chemo. After his first chemo he died. We've survived 1 year with chemo included and made it. Each day really is a blessing. You are not alone don't feel sad anymore.
PS I'm planning a pretty in pink ball next May 2010 and I'm looking for suriviors to walk the runway in long beautiful gowns. I'm located in Maryland. This is going to be a great big event and we are going national with it. We may even have every year. I in touch with a few places that may donate the dresses.
If interested let me know mbarjogar1@verizon.net
take care0 -
Hampster,
You know, I am
Hampster,
You know, I am just a little further down the road from you and I will say that it does get easier. I can't remember when I stopped crying EVERY day, but I did. I still cry too quickly over non BC things. But, I am starting to forget about BC a little. That is a nice thought. You can try as hard as you want to come up with good attitudes, etc. but eventually time takes over and you start to forget. Passively.
But, if you want something to do actively, please go to the bookstore and check out the two books by Chris Karr (or Kris Carr) called Crazy Sexy Cancer. They helped me a lot! I also have done a lot of reading in new agey type stuff to try to get my head back together. Even though it is in a new place, I prefer it together!
Lastly, know that I love you. Joyce0 -
Marilynn, Sorry you are
Marilynn, Sorry you are feeling sad. I can understand how you feel. Having cancer is an emotionally devastating experience. It is very hard to deal with. I believe it can take years to get over it. I know about the crying at the drop of a hat, and the constant fear of cancer coming back. I wish that I could give you some advice but I am 3 years out from diagnosis and still feeling some of the things that you are.
I think/hope that eventually with the passage of time we will begin to think less about cancer and to have more confidence that our cancer is gone for good. Others have suggested antidepressants and I do think about that from time to time. But I don't know if that is the answer or not. Try to engage yourself in things that you used to enjoy before the cancer. Spending time with friends helps me. Spending time on this site helps me because my friends here help me to feel support and great hope from long time survivors.
I also am considering seeing a counselor or psychologist about my fears. It may be helpful, who knows. Try and stay strong and be good to yourself. God bless, Eil0 -
To Ms Melody...Ms Melody said:I understand
Hi Marilynn
I'm a 1 year cancer survivor. We've gone through a lot. Don't cry everything will be fine. When my husband found my lump after a mammogram my life changed instantly. Long story short. I was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 2. First 2 days I cried and prepared for death. I was getting my kids (2sons) situated. My husband told me on the third day his words" Just tell God thank you for everything". And that's what I did. I began to feel myself again. I relied on my faith (no offence). My mother use to say before I lost her "I'm going, not know, just trusting. My thoughts if the other side is good enough for her it's good enough for me too. What else can you do. Enjoy life as much as possible because tommorrow is not promised to anyone. I've met so many people who's caught cancer. It's becoming to common. Just this morning got a phone call from a friend. He told me he had a employee who was just diagnosed with cancer who had just started chemo. After his first chemo he died. We've survived 1 year with chemo included and made it. Each day really is a blessing. You are not alone don't feel sad anymore.
PS I'm planning a pretty in pink ball next May 2010 and I'm looking for suriviors to walk the runway in long beautiful gowns. I'm located in Maryland. This is going to be a great big event and we are going national with it. We may even have every year. I in touch with a few places that may donate the dresses.
If interested let me know mbarjogar1@verizon.net
take care
Heartfelt congratulations to you for reaching that all important one year mark! Although ! fully realize it can be a complicated experience, it is truly a significant milestone. Worthy of celebration.
And, wishing you very best of luck with your wonderful event! Sounds lovely!
Kind regards, Susan0 -
DorothyTdorothyt said:Marilyn I am coming up on my
Marilyn I am coming up on my one year in June. I still have a lot of sad days, but my crying had stopped, until today. I was ask to explain what happen after my mastectomy and I begin to tell it and I broke down tears were rolling down my face. I got myself together, but I realized that I never said anything about what I went though right after my surgery. Today I I had to re-live it over agian. So, feeling sad is part of feeling better.
I'm so sorry that you had to relive everything all over again. I sometimes think that emotional turmoil is as bad as the disease. Let's hang in there together. Hugs, Marilynn0 -
A wise woman!!!!!dorothyt said:Marilyn I am coming up on my
Marilyn I am coming up on my one year in June. I still have a lot of sad days, but my crying had stopped, until today. I was ask to explain what happen after my mastectomy and I begin to tell it and I broke down tears were rolling down my face. I got myself together, but I realized that I never said anything about what I went though right after my surgery. Today I I had to re-live it over agian. So, feeling sad is part of feeling better.
It's in the books, right there. We must face our demons to go forward. I was a fairly good realist about my journey...what got me? A friend,32 years young, lost his battle to brain cancer...I was a MESS!!! Included in that was 'survivor's guilt'. Why an old lady like me survived not one but two cancers, and this boy who was just starting life didn't...well, I went to a grief seminar. We were asked, at the beginning, to write our loved one's name on a balloon and tie it onto our wrist. We wore it for the rest of the evening until the end, when we went outside, and let the balloon go. To this day, if something is REALLY bothering me, I just visualize a balloon release...
Hugs, Kathi0 -
I think most of us canEil4186 said:Marilynn, Sorry you are
Marilynn, Sorry you are feeling sad. I can understand how you feel. Having cancer is an emotionally devastating experience. It is very hard to deal with. I believe it can take years to get over it. I know about the crying at the drop of a hat, and the constant fear of cancer coming back. I wish that I could give you some advice but I am 3 years out from diagnosis and still feeling some of the things that you are.
I think/hope that eventually with the passage of time we will begin to think less about cancer and to have more confidence that our cancer is gone for good. Others have suggested antidepressants and I do think about that from time to time. But I don't know if that is the answer or not. Try to engage yourself in things that you used to enjoy before the cancer. Spending time with friends helps me. Spending time on this site helps me because my friends here help me to feel support and great hope from long time survivors.
I also am considering seeing a counselor or psychologist about my fears. It may be helpful, who knows. Try and stay strong and be good to yourself. God bless, Eil
I think most of us can understand your feeling sad. And, I think from what I have read on these posts..it is common. Stay strong and take care of yourself!0 -
building bridgesNoel said:I think most of us can
I think most of us can understand your feeling sad. And, I think from what I have read on these posts..it is common. Stay strong and take care of yourself!
Thanks so much to everyone that has shared their feelings and hearts. Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of my diagnosis. I know what I'm trying to "process" is logical and normal, yet what I "feel" is sadness. I have finaly scheduled my first counseling session. One of the reasons I've delayed is I couldn't figure out how to answer what will probably be her first question..."Why are you here". I know my answer now is that I need help building a bridge from my head to my heart. I need a bridge to take me from what I thought my life would be like to how it really is now. I need a bridge to what ever my future may be.
dawn0 -
4 years out it does get better
hi mgm42
i had to respond because the same exact thing happened to me at my one year anniversary.
this june will be 4 years since my lumpectomy and i have to tell you honestly it does get better with time. when my first year came i couldn't figure out why i wasn't jumping for joy instead i just felt empty inside and like i was sleep walking thru my own life, worried and tired all the time. my husband who's always been supportive was like "aren't you tired of being worried". yes, i am!!
well, i called the women's hosp. where i had my surgery and asked for a referral for an oncology social worker. these people are licensed clinical therapists and they deal with cancer all day long, they know all the stages. i met with one and immediately she told me i was depressed which i hadn't even realized i was. she suggested meds but having to worry about the side effects of tamoxifen i didn't want one more. but i've been going to her for talk therapy ever since. she said we have post traumatic stress, our bodies have been thru a trauma and we have to process that physically and emotionally. and for some reason the 1 year mark is when most women start to feel it. the first thing on your way to recovery is to realize that you are not alone and that you are completely normal in how you feel.
try to find a social worker in your area and see if it makes you feel better to talk to them. at first i didn't want to talk about it that much but you have to process it to get past it. you will start to feel better with time, in the mean time, be good to yourself, take it easy and do something that makes you smile. go out for an ice cream cone watch a little league baseball game, rent a funny movie.
i have to honestly say that after 4 years i still get a knot in my stomach and the old monsters wake me up in the morning if i hear or know of someone who's died of cancer. also if you hear of someone elses treatment you always question your decisions. my therapist says this is all normal and will diminish as time goes by.
plus how many people die of heart attacks or car accidents, we don't know what tomorrow will bring so try to enjoy today.
my anniversary is in june and that first year i have to say by the fall i felt so much better and i know you will too.
it is so unfair that we all have to go thru this but its taken me 4 years to realize that was is is and the only way to be happy is to accept that.
wishing you health and good thoughts0 -
Ahead of time...corey50 said:4 years out it does get better
hi mgm42
i had to respond because the same exact thing happened to me at my one year anniversary.
this june will be 4 years since my lumpectomy and i have to tell you honestly it does get better with time. when my first year came i couldn't figure out why i wasn't jumping for joy instead i just felt empty inside and like i was sleep walking thru my own life, worried and tired all the time. my husband who's always been supportive was like "aren't you tired of being worried". yes, i am!!
well, i called the women's hosp. where i had my surgery and asked for a referral for an oncology social worker. these people are licensed clinical therapists and they deal with cancer all day long, they know all the stages. i met with one and immediately she told me i was depressed which i hadn't even realized i was. she suggested meds but having to worry about the side effects of tamoxifen i didn't want one more. but i've been going to her for talk therapy ever since. she said we have post traumatic stress, our bodies have been thru a trauma and we have to process that physically and emotionally. and for some reason the 1 year mark is when most women start to feel it. the first thing on your way to recovery is to realize that you are not alone and that you are completely normal in how you feel.
try to find a social worker in your area and see if it makes you feel better to talk to them. at first i didn't want to talk about it that much but you have to process it to get past it. you will start to feel better with time, in the mean time, be good to yourself, take it easy and do something that makes you smile. go out for an ice cream cone watch a little league baseball game, rent a funny movie.
i have to honestly say that after 4 years i still get a knot in my stomach and the old monsters wake me up in the morning if i hear or know of someone who's died of cancer. also if you hear of someone elses treatment you always question your decisions. my therapist says this is all normal and will diminish as time goes by.
plus how many people die of heart attacks or car accidents, we don't know what tomorrow will bring so try to enjoy today.
my anniversary is in june and that first year i have to say by the fall i felt so much better and i know you will too.
it is so unfair that we all have to go thru this but its taken me 4 years to realize that was is is and the only way to be happy is to accept that.
wishing you health and good thoughts
...Sending heartfelt congratulations for your upcoming 4 year anniversary!
Yes, it does get easier.
Per the old expression: "Time heals all wounds." And I like to add: "And we learn to accept and live with the scars."
Kind regards, Susan0 -
....and wounds heal with time....Christmas Girl said:Ahead of time...
...Sending heartfelt congratulations for your upcoming 4 year anniversary!
Yes, it does get easier.
Per the old expression: "Time heals all wounds." And I like to add: "And we learn to accept and live with the scars."
Kind regards, Susan
Hugs, Kathi0
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