support from men

tasha_111 said:

Marry Me!
Wow, you are just so incredibly caring to be doing this for your girlfriend, good for you. I really can't give a lot of good advice as to what a caring man should do, as mine was a complete git to me start to finish. Maybe I tell you what he did so you can do the opposite eh?..Expecting me to stay awake and entertain him, expecting to be fed when I couldn't stand the smell or taste of food, Not listening. Expecting me to cry because his God-Squad Aunt told him I should. Walking out on me halfway through the chemo (He came back) Charging me to take me to chemo then moaning about all the time it took, Insisting on "Bedroom Activities" when there was no chance, Thinking that as soon as the operation/chemo/rads were over I should be able to resume normal housework activities the next day. I probably sound like a bitter old hag, I'm not, we are still together and working things out, it was just his way of NOT dealing with it and thinking it was all about HIM. I hope this helps a bit..Chemo screws with your mind and self esteem, and long after the treatment is over the after effects continue..I Just got a job this week...I am 9 months out of chemo now and finally ready to face the world again. Good luck to a lovely couple..

WOW!
I am surprised and kind of shocked that you are still with your "guy". I would have kicked his butt out and never thought twice about it. Thank God my husband is the total opposite of him. Life is too precious and short to put up with a creep....no offense.

Thought of another book
You said that your girlfriend is getting ready to start chemo,and I got this book before surgery and when I was first diagnosed but I thought I would bring it up to you and her anyways. It's called The Breast Book and it's written by Dr. Susan Love.It's like the bible for breast cancer and it's very informative without scaring you out of your wits! I have found that knowledge is power when you're trying to fight cancer. Course there is nothing like hands on experience,and you can never totally prepare yourself,but knowing something about it ahead of time is a good thing!
As you have already found out,this is a great discussion group place to be!
Take care,and tell your girlfriend that we are all rooting for her,please! Remember too when you read things and find out about things,that these treatments don't affect everyone the same way-everyone is different sometimes.

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Chemo
It is really hard to say what it will be like during chemo. A lot depends on the facility where she will have it as well as your girlfriend and the others receiving chemo. Where I had mine, there were several of us in the same room. Some watched TV, some read, some had loved ones with them so they visited, and I put on my Ipod and relaxed with my eyes closed. (I didn't have anyone go along with me.) The chemo is given via IV so there isn't much pain at that time although some of the injections sting like hell. I didn't have any problems with the nausea right away. They give anti-nausea medications in the IV as well as the chemo drugs. I actually scheduled my treatments first thing in the morning and then went to work after I was done. (I didn't do this the first time since I didn't know what to expect.) The chemo and anti-nausea drugs hit me more a day or two later. I spent most of the next few days sleeping.

I know of a group of women getting chemo that play cards while the chemo runs. Their husbands go along and the four of them play cards to make the time a bit less terrible. I guess, as with a lot of things in life, it is what you make of it. In your case, follow the lead of your gf. let her decide if she feels like watching TV, visiting, relaxing or anything else. Good luck!

djteach said:

helping g/f
Hi,
I just wanted to say that you have been given some great advise and a lot of information. In all of the craziness, don't forget to take care of you. Set aside some time for just you. Many local support groups have groups for the caregiver as well.
I hope and pray that everything works out well for both of you.

Gentle Hugs,
Donna

To poolboy - good advice from Donna
Yes, life will be different - for both of you - during treatment. But, it doesn't stop. Don't completely forego favorite activities or hobbies, maybe just realize you'll have to cut back. Don't completely stop seeing your own family & friends. You need support, too. Encourage your girlfriend to do the same, while realizing her actual abilities will be affected. For example, instead of GOING to the movies - rent/buy a DVD. (Let her choose! But, no sad subject matter!) And be sure to make it feel special - include the popcorn, treats, whatever. Watch while snuggled up together on the couch. You get the idea...

Kind regards, Susan

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Chemo
I went to my first (and all others) chemo alone. I was scared to death, not knowing what to expect. There are 20 chairs at my facility so there were at least others to look at. [I didn't know that I was allowed to actually talk to them]. I didn't bring a book or an mp3 player or a portable dvd player or my knitting or any FOOD- So I just sat there for 5 hours while the chemo was administered. The "pre-meds" made me a little sleepy but not enough to nap. It was interesting watching the nurses working and being a normal guy I learned to really appreciate that they do alot of their work bending over other patients- with their pretty butts saying HI to me.
My oncologist had me get a port installed prior to starting chemo because he knew I would be getting an infussion weekly for 1 year and the port is much easier to work with then getting stuck in the arm all of the time.
If your treatment center isn't too busy you can more than likely sit next to her and hold her hand. If her IV pump is pluged into the electric outlet---- remember to un-plug it before heading for the restroom.
When the IV pump BEEPS- don't worry they all beep often for various reasons just to get the nurses pissed off.[try answering 20 beeping pumps all at the same time]
My facility is kept at a constant temperature of -40 degrees F. I soon learned to bring a sleeping bag, a winter parka, and some of those chemical hand and foot warmers with me.
[I live in SW Florida]

Thankfully now I only have to go every 3rd week for a few more months and my chemo is done.
My surgery was 5/22/08 and chemo began 7/14/08.
Hang in there my friend
Bill S.

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Just be there as much as you
Just be there as much as you can! Try to be! That is so important. And, listen to her, hold her, comfort her. This is a time to truly baby her. Do anything and everything you can to make her life as easy as it can be. She needs that..ok?

dmdudra said:

poolboy
I can tell you that if not for my boyfriend I would not know what I would have done these last few months. I was told I have breast cancer on the 9th of January of this year and started chemo on the 20th of that month. The AC chemo was the worst. I lost all my hair and John my by was and has been great. He told me he loves me not for what I look like on the outside but for who I am on the inside. He takes me to all my treatments and for all my test that I have to have done.When I cry at night he holds me and tells me that by this coming summer all this will be done and I will be cancer free. I asked him are you still going to love me even if I might lose one of my breast and he said I did not fall in love with you because of your breast I fell in love with you for person you are.. Just be there for her as much as you can. Hold her when she cries and tell her she is beautiful as often as you can. Reassure her that is what I like and I am sure she will too. Tell her you will get through this together and there is nothing you can not do together.. Take care and we need more men like you and my John.. D

poolboy
You are already doing what you need to do by being concerned enough to ask for help. There are not many people that are strong or wise enough to ask for help. You are going to do fine as long as you keep doing what you are doing. Your Gf is very luky to have a MAN like you.
Gods blessings on both of you.
Tj