support from men

Jeanne D

tasha_111 said:

Marry Me!
Wow, you are just so incredibly caring to be doing this for your girlfriend, good for you. I really can't give a lot of good advice as to what a caring man should do, as mine was a complete git to me start to finish. Maybe I tell you what he did so you can do the opposite eh?..Expecting me to stay awake and entertain him, expecting to be fed when I couldn't stand the smell or taste of food, Not listening. Expecting me to cry because his God-Squad Aunt told him I should. Walking out on me halfway through the chemo (He came back) Charging me to take me to chemo then moaning about all the time it took, Insisting on "Bedroom Activities" when there was no chance, Thinking that as soon as the operation/chemo/rads were over I should be able to resume normal housework activities the next day. I probably sound like a bitter old hag, I'm not, we are still together and working things out, it was just his way of NOT dealing with it and thinking it was all about HIM. I hope this helps a bit..Chemo screws with your mind and self esteem, and long after the treatment is over the after effects continue..I Just got a job this week...I am 9 months out of chemo now and finally ready to face the world again. Good luck to a lovely couple..

WOW!
I am surprised and kind of shocked that you are still with your "guy". I would have kicked his butt out and never thought twice about it. Thank God my husband is the total opposite of him. Life is too precious and short to put up with a creep....no offense.

Jeanne D

poolboy said:

support
wow...thank you all for the comments. ive read them all tonight...so overwhelming and emotional..all of your stories and caring advice..is exactly what im needing right now. i wont go into details but today was one of those bad days for her. emotionally draining. in short, she already wants to give up and i dont know what to say on days like today. your right, Rita, about saying "it'll be alright". have already stopped saying that a month ago. I need her to be strong if she's going to make it through this and i get scared on days like today where she just wants to give up. What do I do or say?

Thanks again. You dont know how much i really appreciate your replies.

Hi Poolboy
Just be there for her. Listen to her, cry with her, hold her. My husband went to all of my appointments and tests with me. He babied me at home. He did some of the cooking, cleaning, laundry..anything that needed done when I didn't or couldn't do it. He let me be angry, he let me be sad, he let me be myself and not try to hide anything or stifle my feelings. He brought me flowers, he drives me to my radiation treatments and we take long, fun drives home afterwords. He sends me cards thru the mail every now and then. He kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning even when he thinks I am asleep. He is there for me in the good and bad days. He rubs the creme's on my radiation burn..he hugs me! Just let her know you are there for her always for anything she needs. And, don't wait to be asked..just see or try to see what she needs or what needs done at your house and do it. She needs strength and encouragement from you. You sound like a great guy..you will be fine!

outdoorgirl

Thought of another book
You said that your girlfriend is getting ready to start chemo,and I got this book before surgery and when I was first diagnosed but I thought I would bring it up to you and her anyways. It's called The Breast Book and it's written by Dr. Susan Love.It's like the bible for breast cancer and it's very informative without scaring you out of your wits! I have found that knowledge is power when you're trying to fight cancer. Course there is nothing like hands on experience,and you can never totally prepare yourself,but knowing something about it ahead of time is a good thing!
As you have already found out,this is a great discussion group place to be!
Take care,and tell your girlfriend that we are all rooting for her,please! Remember too when you read things and find out about things,that these treatments don't affect everyone the same way-everyone is different sometimes.

poolboy

Jeanne D said:

Hi Poolboy
Just be there for her. Listen to her, cry with her, hold her. My husband went to all of my appointments and tests with me. He babied me at home. He did some of the cooking, cleaning, laundry..anything that needed done when I didn't or couldn't do it. He let me be angry, he let me be sad, he let me be myself and not try to hide anything or stifle my feelings. He brought me flowers, he drives me to my radiation treatments and we take long, fun drives home afterwords. He sends me cards thru the mail every now and then. He kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning even when he thinks I am asleep. He is there for me in the good and bad days. He rubs the creme's on my radiation burn..he hugs me! Just let her know you are there for her always for anything she needs. And, don't wait to be asked..just see or try to see what she needs or what needs done at your house and do it. She needs strength and encouragement from you. You sound like a great guy..you will be fine!

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

ritazimm

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Chemo
It is really hard to say what it will be like during chemo. A lot depends on the facility where she will have it as well as your girlfriend and the others receiving chemo. Where I had mine, there were several of us in the same room. Some watched TV, some read, some had loved ones with them so they visited, and I put on my Ipod and relaxed with my eyes closed. (I didn't have anyone go along with me.) The chemo is given via IV so there isn't much pain at that time although some of the injections sting like hell. I didn't have any problems with the nausea right away. They give anti-nausea medications in the IV as well as the chemo drugs. I actually scheduled my treatments first thing in the morning and then went to work after I was done. (I didn't do this the first time since I didn't know what to expect.) The chemo and anti-nausea drugs hit me more a day or two later. I spent most of the next few days sleeping.

I know of a group of women getting chemo that play cards while the chemo runs. Their husbands go along and the four of them play cards to make the time a bit less terrible. I guess, as with a lot of things in life, it is what you make of it. In your case, follow the lead of your gf. let her decide if she feels like watching TV, visiting, relaxing or anything else. Good luck!

Christmas Girl

Bill.S said:

Poolboy - just BE there
I went through my cancer experience with only the help of the women here. I live along and believe me - it has been a lonely road to travel. You are right- you can't fix it.
Bill S.

Hi, Bill S.
I am humbled by your post. You are a brave, strong & steady man, to have endured your breast cancer while living alone. Am glad you have the companionship of your kitty.

Kind regards, Susan

P.S.: I like your new photo!

Christmas Girl

djteach said:

helping g/f
Hi,
I just wanted to say that you have been given some great advise and a lot of information. In all of the craziness, don't forget to take care of you. Set aside some time for just you. Many local support groups have groups for the caregiver as well.
I hope and pray that everything works out well for both of you.

Gentle Hugs,
Donna

To poolboy - good advice from Donna
Yes, life will be different - for both of you - during treatment. But, it doesn't stop. Don't completely forego favorite activities or hobbies, maybe just realize you'll have to cut back. Don't completely stop seeing your own family & friends. You need support, too. Encourage your girlfriend to do the same, while realizing her actual abilities will be affected. For example, instead of GOING to the movies - rent/buy a DVD. (Let her choose! But, no sad subject matter!) And be sure to make it feel special - include the popcorn, treats, whatever. Watch while snuggled up together on the couch. You get the idea...

Kind regards, Susan

Christmas Girl

Aortus said:

One day (hour, minute, second) at a time
Moopy's first round of chemo was awful. She had a bad reaction to Compazine (made her teeth clench), which made her reluctant to take her anti-nausea meds unless she thought she absolutely had to. And so on. She didn't get out of her pajamas for nearly a week. The way she survived it was taking it a day at a time. Sometimes an hour, a minute, or even a second at a time.

The chemo got better, thanks to the Nurse Practitioner who fired Compazine and brought Ativan into Moopy's life, thanks to lots of support from the board (which we discovered right around that time), and Moopy's own inborn toughness. The remaining rounds of chemo went far better, if not perfectly, because Moopy and I had a plan of attack. Get through it a day, hour, minute, or even a second at a time. It's worked for Moopy, and it's worked really well for me too.

Good luck to you both!
Joe

Excellent advice from Joe, a wise man
Your girlfriend wants to "quit" because she's feeling like absolute crap. I know exactly HOW she feels, because I've been there. And, it's totally understandable that you're scared by this... But, just hang in there with her. This is precisely one of those vital times (of many yet to come) when you need to be strong FOR her, without dismissing her feelings. Not every day will be as bad. Most of us "bounce back" in between chemo treatments, even if just enough to face the next one.

Chemo messes big time with the psyche. Our natural instinct for survival prevents us from harming ourselves. Chemo forces the brain to accept harm first in order to survive later. Backwards, completely opposite to the way we are programmed. No wonder she wants to quit.

Joe's advice is priceless. One day, one hour, one minute, one second, one NANOsecond - if need be - at a time. One step at a time, all the way along the journey. There are no cars, bikes, trains, cabs, limos, skateboards or anything else allowed on this road. We must WALK it, with our own two feet. Therefore, only one step at a time.

Hang in there, you're doin' fine. Hopes & prayers for her.

Kind regards, Susan

Bill.S

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Chemo
I went to my first (and all others) chemo alone. I was scared to death, not knowing what to expect. There are 20 chairs at my facility so there were at least others to look at. [I didn't know that I was allowed to actually talk to them]. I didn't bring a book or an mp3 player or a portable dvd player or my knitting or any FOOD- So I just sat there for 5 hours while the chemo was administered. The "pre-meds" made me a little sleepy but not enough to nap. It was interesting watching the nurses working and being a normal guy I learned to really appreciate that they do alot of their work bending over other patients- with their pretty butts saying HI to me.
My oncologist had me get a port installed prior to starting chemo because he knew I would be getting an infussion weekly for 1 year and the port is much easier to work with then getting stuck in the arm all of the time.
If your treatment center isn't too busy you can more than likely sit next to her and hold her hand. If her IV pump is pluged into the electric outlet---- remember to un-plug it before heading for the restroom.
When the IV pump BEEPS- don't worry they all beep often for various reasons just to get the nurses pissed off.[try answering 20 beeping pumps all at the same time]
My facility is kept at a constant temperature of -40 degrees F. I soon learned to bring a sleeping bag, a winter parka, and some of those chemical hand and foot warmers with me.
[I live in SW Florida]

Thankfully now I only have to go every 3rd week for a few more months and my chemo is done.
My surgery was 5/22/08 and chemo began 7/14/08.
Hang in there my friend
Bill S.

rjjj

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Hi poolboy
Why is it killing you that you can't be there but a couple times a week? Is there a reason you can't be there more? none of my business i know but just trying to help. Is there anyway you can be there more? Not that i expect my hubbie to always be there. I encourage him to go out and do guy things with his friends..and he does, it does us both good. I also need some time alone. Yet he always knows the dates (hung on the fridge of my chemo treatments and marks them off one day at a time. We are coming to the last one on Thursday..and i know the radiation to follow won't be as bad except we may have to spend time apart during it. My daughter will spend some of the time with me. Thats OK. We still need to include all the others that love us and that we love.

As for chemo, Bob is there each time. He stays until it gets underway and then he goes to wash the car, grocery shop or whatever errands need run..midway through my chemo he pops in with a milkshake for me from dairy queen.(my favorite part) and visits with my chemo nurses. When i see my Dr. he goes right in..even for exams. just being there when she needs you is so important. Chemo is not nearly as bad as the stories you may have heard of how it used to be. They have such good anti-nausea drugs and other drugs for almost any side-effect. It's by no means a picnic, and is awful when you lose your hair, but think of the longhaul....she will be with you for many more years.

You both are in my prayers..and tell your lady she is in all of our prayers also.
God Bless
Jackie

Jeanne D

poolboy said:

trying
Thanks Jeanne, im trying. It's killing me that im not there at her place everyday to take care of whatever needs to be done, but I do stuff when i am there couple times a week. As next week approaches, im beginning to stress out...I plan on taking the advice ive gotten here...make sure i have all the ph #'s and drugs she has, a list of what needs to be done, ph calls needing to be made, etc. One question i have...what do i expect when i go with her to chemo? whats it going to be like?

Just be there as much as you
Just be there as much as you can! Try to be! That is so important. And, listen to her, hold her, comfort her. This is a time to truly baby her. Do anything and everything you can to make her life as easy as it can be. She needs that..ok?

dmdudra

poolboy
I can tell you that if not for my boyfriend I would not know what I would have done these last few months. I was told I have breast cancer on the 9th of January of this year and started chemo on the 20th of that month. The AC chemo was the worst. I lost all my hair and John my by was and has been great. He told me he loves me not for what I look like on the outside but for who I am on the inside. He takes me to all my treatments and for all my test that I have to have done.When I cry at night he holds me and tells me that by this coming summer all this will be done and I will be cancer free. I asked him are you still going to love me even if I might lose one of my breast and he said I did not fall in love with you because of your breast I fell in love with you for person you are.. Just be there for her as much as you can. Hold her when she cries and tell her she is beautiful as often as you can. Reassure her that is what I like and I am sure she will too. Tell her you will get through this together and there is nothing you can not do together.. Take care and we need more men like you and my John.. D

tjhay

dmdudra said:

poolboy
I can tell you that if not for my boyfriend I would not know what I would have done these last few months. I was told I have breast cancer on the 9th of January of this year and started chemo on the 20th of that month. The AC chemo was the worst. I lost all my hair and John my by was and has been great. He told me he loves me not for what I look like on the outside but for who I am on the inside. He takes me to all my treatments and for all my test that I have to have done.When I cry at night he holds me and tells me that by this coming summer all this will be done and I will be cancer free. I asked him are you still going to love me even if I might lose one of my breast and he said I did not fall in love with you because of your breast I fell in love with you for person you are.. Just be there for her as much as you can. Hold her when she cries and tell her she is beautiful as often as you can. Reassure her that is what I like and I am sure she will too. Tell her you will get through this together and there is nothing you can not do together.. Take care and we need more men like you and my John.. D

poolboy
You are already doing what you need to do by being concerned enough to ask for help. There are not many people that are strong or wise enough to ask for help. You are going to do fine as long as you keep doing what you are doing. Your Gf is very luky to have a MAN like you.
Gods blessings on both of you.
Tj

poolboy

tjhay said:

poolboy
You are already doing what you need to do by being concerned enough to ask for help. There are not many people that are strong or wise enough to ask for help. You are going to do fine as long as you keep doing what you are doing. Your Gf is very luky to have a MAN like you.
Gods blessings on both of you.
Tj

update
I feel bad I havent been here earlier. If i ask for advice I should at least come by and give an update, right? Just been busy. Everyone's stories and advice have really helped me support my gf as she goes thru this, so thank you all very much.

First wk of chemo was a breeze. No issues at all. 2nd week, this wk, not so much. She's really weak and tired, mostly from the booster shot she gets on the 4th day I suspect. lost her hair fairly quickly week before last, so she's pretty well depressed, angry, bitter. I'm moving in soon to help out more. She's really depressed most of the time so my biggest struggle is trying to help her see why she's going thru this (to live) and to see that light at the end of the tunnel (fact that PET scan was good, chemo and radiation over before end of the yr, recurrence rate of only 11%, etc.) I thought the follow on chemo was supposed to be easier! ugh! hope it doesnt get worse n worse every three weeks. Hate seeing her, or anyone, go through this. sucks. Anyone want to talk to me, i could really use someone to talk to by phone. I have a friend at work who is helping me but want others to talk to too. send me a note if yer willing. For now, just continuing to be there, do what I can and read everyone's advice here. This is a great place to get support. Thanks y'all!

poolboy

Bill.S said:

Chemo
I went to my first (and all others) chemo alone. I was scared to death, not knowing what to expect. There are 20 chairs at my facility so there were at least others to look at. [I didn't know that I was allowed to actually talk to them]. I didn't bring a book or an mp3 player or a portable dvd player or my knitting or any FOOD- So I just sat there for 5 hours while the chemo was administered. The "pre-meds" made me a little sleepy but not enough to nap. It was interesting watching the nurses working and being a normal guy I learned to really appreciate that they do alot of their work bending over other patients- with their pretty butts saying HI to me.
My oncologist had me get a port installed prior to starting chemo because he knew I would be getting an infussion weekly for 1 year and the port is much easier to work with then getting stuck in the arm all of the time.
If your treatment center isn't too busy you can more than likely sit next to her and hold her hand. If her IV pump is pluged into the electric outlet---- remember to un-plug it before heading for the restroom.
When the IV pump BEEPS- don't worry they all beep often for various reasons just to get the nurses pissed off.[try answering 20 beeping pumps all at the same time]
My facility is kept at a constant temperature of -40 degrees F. I soon learned to bring a sleeping bag, a winter parka, and some of those chemical hand and foot warmers with me.
[I live in SW Florida]

Thankfully now I only have to go every 3rd week for a few more months and my chemo is done.
My surgery was 5/22/08 and chemo began 7/14/08.
Hang in there my friend
Bill S.

How you doing Bill?
Doing ok? I went with gf to wed's appt. She slept through most of it. They had heated blankets at the ready!

Christmas Girl

poolboy said:

update
I feel bad I havent been here earlier. If i ask for advice I should at least come by and give an update, right? Just been busy. Everyone's stories and advice have really helped me support my gf as she goes thru this, so thank you all very much.

First wk of chemo was a breeze. No issues at all. 2nd week, this wk, not so much. She's really weak and tired, mostly from the booster shot she gets on the 4th day I suspect. lost her hair fairly quickly week before last, so she's pretty well depressed, angry, bitter. I'm moving in soon to help out more. She's really depressed most of the time so my biggest struggle is trying to help her see why she's going thru this (to live) and to see that light at the end of the tunnel (fact that PET scan was good, chemo and radiation over before end of the yr, recurrence rate of only 11%, etc.) I thought the follow on chemo was supposed to be easier! ugh! hope it doesnt get worse n worse every three weeks. Hate seeing her, or anyone, go through this. sucks. Anyone want to talk to me, i could really use someone to talk to by phone. I have a friend at work who is helping me but want others to talk to too. send me a note if yer willing. For now, just continuing to be there, do what I can and read everyone's advice here. This is a great place to get support. Thanks y'all!

Hi, poolboy!
Many members read much, but don't necessarily post. Doesn't matter. All are welcome, always. Active participation is optional.

Yes, unfortunately, chemo side effects are cumulative. The treatments build upon each other. Sorry your girlfriend is so depressed. But, not surprised. I sometimes explain the mental difficulty in this way: for the vast majority of illnesses, we don't feel well, go to the doctor, get medicine that makes us feel better. Chemo works against this mind set. Breast cancer doesn't make us "feel sick" - then, we have to take meds that make us feel really, really sick. Also, this is opposite of our natural survival instinct. We avoid and flee harm to protect ourselves. Chemo hurts us. It's hard to keep going back for more. Yeah, it sucks.

Good that you'll be moving in. Just keep at it. Try to keep her focused. And, I hope she's being open with her doctors and nurses about how she's feeling. They can help. But, they have to know.

Best wishes to her, and to you.

Kind regards, Susan