support from men

I am truly impressed...
First off, I can only repeat the first word in the post above - WOW! I am truly impressed by your efforts to reach out to other breast cancer patients & survivors in order to support your girlfriend. And by the way, you're not the only man amongst this group. There are others like you, here for the sake of their partner; and, there are even some male breast cancer patients & survivors. This beast of a disease doesn't discriminate in any way, unfortunately. So, yes, of course - it is certainly quite "ok for a guy to post." You will learn that you are most welcome here, though we're all sorry for the reason.

Upfront, I'll try to address some of your specific points.
No, YOU cannot "fix" this for her. So, you're already off to a pretty good start for realizing this.
Regarding her emotions: acknowledge them. This is really important. Don't dismiss them, nor tell her she "shouldn't" be feeling that way, or any way. SHE IS ALLOWED. Because she has cancer, damn it! One of the worst aspects of this disease, from a purely mental struggle point of view, is that we walk around feeling fine while cancer is growing within without any knowledge of it. Therefore, we don't feel ill. The treatment makes us ill. It is exactly the opposite of all other "everyday" types of sickness. We feel crummy, get some meds from the doctor; and, the meds make us feel better. Not so with chemo.

Just so you know, I'll be married 29 years in a few days - to the same man, by the way. My high school sweetheart. He was fairly supportive, the best he could be. He accompanied me to all of the worst of my appointments, including some of the chemo sessions. He took turns with others. At the very beginning of my ordeal, this was strongly suggested by my team of doctors & nurses: do not ever let her go to ANYTHING alone. Or, at the very least - openly discuss this with her. If you cannot accompany her, YOU can make the arrangements for someone else (family, friends - but, NOT someone who "gets on her nerves" in general!). Besides support & companionship for the patient, it's really helpful if the other person REALLY PAYS ATTENTION to all the info being relayed because it can be OVERWHELMING. It was also strongly suggested to me that I have several different "point persons" - one to deal with all the food issues, one to help keep track of & remind me about all the oral meds, one to read about & be aware of potential side effects, etc., etc., etc. ... NO ONE, not even my husband, stepped up to the plate for any of this. I got a lot of "you can handle it"... "it'll give you something to do"... (HULLO? My "job" was to survive the darned treatments!), etc. ... You get the picture, I'm sure.

You don't yet know what to expect. Magnify that "fear of the unknown" about a thousand, no - make that a million - times over & you'll have a better appreciation of what she's going through right now. Before the treatments even begin. "Listen & be there" and "one day at a time" - yeah, you're already off to a good start, I think. :-)

If you're really committed, and it seems that you really are - you'll do fine if you always come back to this one simple perspective. YOU need to become her PRIMARY CAREGIVER. In every aspect of daily life, not just for the chemo itself. Chemo protocols have almost infinite possibilities. There are many, many different drugs - used in various combinations & different dosages. Over various schedules; i.e., # of treatments, how much time between each, etc. ... It is quite possible that your girlfriend might become almost unable to do much of anything, worst case scenario. She/you should get extremely comprehensive information from her doctors/nurses about potential side effects & their symptoms and what to do to minimize or counteract them. And as she progresses through treatment, anything out of the ordinary should be reported immediately. Please don't ever compare what she'll be dealing with to what you've experienced previously via your relatives. Even if two patients are subjected to exactly the same treatment, they can have very different responses.

There is an absolute wealth of information & personal experience available to you here from the wonderful folks so willing & open to help, share, support & encourage. Please do not ever hesitate to come here with questions or anything else you (and, importantly, she) may need. I promise you, many will do their best on her/your behalf.

With heartfelt best wishes for your girlfriend's treatment, that it will be successful & provide her with cancer-free good health in the future; and, kudos to you - "the guy" - who's gonna be there for her & help her get through it all.

Kind regards, Susan

Support for loved one
I can't tell you how much I respect you for asking how to go about this! You will be a wonderful help to her because you thought enough to ask!

Here are some of the things my husband did for me that made my life so much more bearable through the cancer hell. As someone else mentioned, he was very detailed in reading up on cancer treatment options, drugs, lab results, etc. My brain was so 'checked out' that I could not concentrate enough to read things and certainly not able to understand or remember what I had read. It was a HUGE help to know that he was researching things for me and writing things down.

He also made up monthly calenders to hang on the refrigerator that listed all of the appointments so we knew when and where we needed to be. If she doesn't have a breast care coordinator that can make all of her appointments for her, this would be a huge help as well. I was so crazed by the thought of the cancer and so busy with appointments that I couldn't figure out how I would have time to schedule all of the future appointments for tests, second opinions, etc. I was blessed to have a breast care coordinator that took scheduling appointments over for me and it was a wonderful blessing.

I agree whole heartedly that you should not make any comments or attempts at trying to fix it or downplay it. My husband's first comment was 'it will be alright'. This was patronizing for me because he obviously couldn't know if things would 'be alright' or not. Also, when will things 'be alright' again? My diagnosis was 18 months ago and I'm still not totally sure that it will 'be alright'. I am doing great physically thus far, but mentally I'm not sure I ever will be.

A day or two after the stupid 'it will be alright' comment, he said to me, "we will get through this together". That was exactly what I needed to hear. The thought of losing ones breast and knowing that you will forever be freakish (that is how I saw it) is so unimaginably devistating and believe me many women wonder how their boyfriend/husband will be able to deal with all of it. Both the physical and the emotional changes. It was very important to me to know that I wouldn't be going through any of it alone and that he would FOR SURE be there to help me all the way through.

Again, as someone else mentioned, don't tell her how she should or should not feel. Her emotions will be on a rollercoaster ride and allow her to feel any way she wants no matter how irrational it may seem to you. Again, just keep reminding her that you are there for her no matter how she feels.

One more thing, although things are all about her for the coming months/years, it is okay to let her know that you are scared as well. My hubby didn't want to upset me so he never let me know how afraid he was. That really wasn't fair to him and I would have liked to know at some point that he really was concerned about losing me. At one point I had convinced myself that he wouldn't even miss me if I were gone. This was far from the truth and again very irrational, but many, many thoughts are not rational when going through cancer.

I know I already said 'one more thing' but I do want to add one more. I wrote a blog that my family and friends could read on a regular basis. It was very good for me to be able to express what I was really feeling (I was totally honest and I informed my family that I would be and didn't mean to hurt anyones feelings)and it was wonderful not to have to rehash every detail to 50 people each day that were worried and concerned. That was way too draining for me. If she isn't up to blogging or doesn't want to, another good thing for you to do would be to keep family and friends up to date so that she doesn't have to deal with it.

God Bless you both!

Rita

Bill.S said:

Poolboy - just BE there
I went through my cancer experience with only the help of the women here. I live along and believe me - it has been a lonely road to travel. You are right- you can't fix it.
Bill S.

Poolboy - You're a Jewel!
All I can say is what the other said. Just be there for her. If she wants to be alone, let her. But mostly just be nearby. Teresa

Welcome poolboy to the club
Welcome poolboy to the club no one wants to join. You will find a great group of both survivors and caregivers here on this board. I had a mastectomy June 2007 at the age of almost 48 (boy what a birthday present that was). Unfortunately, I found this site right after I finished my chemo, so I'm glad you found us sooner. All, I can add to what everyone else said was that just show her that she is still beautiful to you. Going through this, our self-esteem is shot and we really need the reassurance of our partners that everything will be ok and that we are still the person they fell in love with. I was fortunate to have a very understanding and strong husband that has been with me every step of this very trying journey. So be there for her and tell her she is still beautiful. Hugs, Lili

poolboy said:

to tasha
am reading everything you and lisa and susan wrote..thank you. ill try and reply when i can to everyone. i hope no one thinks im trying to win medals or attention here. mostly im scared. im scared for her, scared for me and i just want to be informed, so doing a lot of edumacating myself. plenty of men do stay and im going to be one of them. i agree, this is not about anyone cept her and i tell her that and that she has the right to be ticked off, bitter, angry...some days are going to be like that, its ok. just got to allow yourself those days, right? glad to hear your working it out and congrats on the job! thats great! hopefully i will have a better understanding of how best to help out through your experiences. (he really charged you? wow)

No... And it's OK to be scared, too...
Hello, again, poolboy. No, I don't believe ANYONE here thinks you're trying to win medals or gain attention. Very importantly, it's OK that YOU are scared, and it's OK to admit & share that with us here. Like someone else said, maybe even share that with her - your girlfriend. Then, be strong for her.

Kind regards, Susan

Me again
Just wanted to echo Donna also! It's very important that you take time for you. My husband wanted to be by my side whenever he wasn't at work,and I was thankful but wanted him to get his mind off my cancer and go be"normal" and have some fun!





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Welcome Poolboy!
Thought I
Welcome Poolboy!

Thought I would add my two cents for you. I admire your love and courage. Not too many guys would take the time to look for answers on how to support their gf. My best advice is to listen intently to her and just encourage her to talk to you. My husband was so comforting and while he was so afraid himself, he was always there to comfort and listen to me.
It will be a very long road, so you will need a lot of patience.

If your gf has family and friends wanting to support her in this journey, a wonderful site is www.lotsahelpinghands.com. That is something you may want to help administrate for her. My daughters helped me and the site was so beneficial to my friends. It was just so overwhelming to accept phone calls and the constant questions from friends wanting to help. If you are interested and need help with that, just let me know and I can give you tips and my experience with the site.

And lastly, cook dinner and do the dishes, OFTEN! :-)

Take care. I will keep you both in my prayers.

poolboy said:

be there
Thank you Bill. I will.

private discussions
there is an email feature on this site (I never used it so don't know all of the details)
If you have questions of a more private nature that you may feel uncomfortable about public posting - you could try that avenue.
I'm not a caregiver but Joe is and there are others. Just thought I'd offer this option.
Bill S.
PS: people do post some very private, personal things here. Some make me laugh, others make me cry.