The Pull Between Letting It Go And The Blame Game.

Dreamdove said:

Very hard to see my mother slipping away from me
Blueroses, I know my mother won't be around much longer--I can feel it. I've had to start letting go. I really don't run to her with all my problems anymore. I can tell she is having trouble understanding what I am talking about. She gets confused very easily and I don't always talk slow enough for her. No, I wouldn't say she has Altzheimers but her brain processes are definitely slowing down. Her mother had it and also one of her sisters. But her doctor told her that her mind is still sharp. She did go thru chemo over 20 years ago for breast cancer. I know my mother will go before me because for years I have had this dream where she is always waiting for me at the train station. One time (quite awhile back) she told me about dreams she has sometimes where she is at a train station waiting for me! Then I told her about my dreams. As far as my 14 year old, she was 12 when I was diagnosed and the school must have found out about it somehow that I was in the hospital. The guidance councelor called her to her office and wanted her to come to see her to discuss the issues but she refused. Actually, I think she has learned to deal with it on her own. I used to feel hurt that she wasn't sensitive to what I was going thru but she was only 12. Monday she had 6 teeth pulled so she herself has been going thru some issues and I've had to help her. Hopefully, having that experience will make her realize that it isn't easy for anybody to have health problems (or teeth problems!) She experienced bleeding, pain, and chipmonk cheeks. I had to nurse her quite abit the first day. I got her special drinks and foods, kept giving her fresh gauze for the bleeding, gave her pills and drinks to help her swallow them, etc. I was in Wal-mart last night with my 22-year old and I forgot what I was going to look for next because I got distracted. She was like wow how could you forget that? But I had to remind her about the chemo and then she said that's right: chemo-brain.

Good job Dream
Sounds like you have all the bases covered. For me it was a bit different because I thought my daughter was dealing with it all alright but deep inside she was definitely frightened that I would not make it then she would be alone, even though she knew she could always live with her Dad. The teen years are hell on earth anywho so something huge like your only parent being sick can be masked in a teen but if you watch carefully you will see their personalities change - sometimes slightly and other times they do things behind your back. Mine got in with a bad crowd and started drinking, I had no idea, NONE. I feel like an idiot seeing I was home all the time, how could I miss that but the kids were smart and chose vodka so the parents couldnt smell it. It still freaks me out that I didnt see it. I moved her away from that area FAST when I realized what was happening and got her into a youth group and she is much more centered now. Close one though, they can really hide their true emotions, or at least mine did. Take care, Blueroses.

peggy65 said:

i am not sure just where to
i am not sure just where to jump in. i have read most of the postings and i have similar problems. i posted something on the breast cancer link but after reading this site i think this site may be more appropriate. i am one year out of treatment and feel almost guilty that i am still very fatigued and unable to do many of the things that i am used to doing. it is like i am a totally different person, i know my core is still there, but i am having to accept the fact that there are certain things that are too much for me as yet. i get overwhelmed easily and that makes me angry and frustrated. as i said on the other site, i am sick of being sick and tired. i know that many of you have much more serious problems than i do and i hesitate to moan and groan after reading your postings. i wish all of you my best, with love and support, peggy

Oh back up Peggy, my friend,
There is no such thing as moaning and groaning on this site. Your feelings are your feelings and those are true, not to be judged on a sliding scale of severity as opposed to others feelings and situations so let's get that straight. One person's medical and emotional situation is just as important and in need of validation as the next person's, regardless of personal cancer situation.

The issue we are speaking of here, the lack of understanding of our condition after treatments (for many of us) is a really common one. There is that silly old wives tale or whatever you want to call it that you are diagnosed with cancer, you get treatment, then once the treatments are over you just simpley go back to your old life, same as before. HELLLLLOOOOOO? YOu have just been treated with toxic substances, sometimes radiated, and while all of that can cure us - it also damages healthy cells - sometimes for good. Some people do better with the treatments than others so one story is never exactly like the next but I am here to tell you that, in my humble opinion, we are never the same after diagnosis - in one way or two ways or 10 ways, depending on the severity of treatment/cancer. But those around us, maybe out of hope alone want us so badly to be just like we were that they mirror that onto us I think - to a point, and also too this concept of us 'never being the same' is just something they cant quite grasp - heck, we as patients have a hard time with that concept as well.

You said something very important, you said 'my core is still there' and that is a very healthy knowing to have and to hold onto as many other things about us may change as well. Many mood issues are treatment related I am sure and I don't only mean stress issues we deal with but real chemical and hormonal changes that cause us to be just 'not quite the same'. These things aren't discussed as so we take it to heart and feel it is 'just us' not being able to cope as well as the next person and that may not be it - it might be chemical. When I look back at the years after my bone marrow transplant I went through a real angry and frustrated stage and I know my ex just thought I was being a jerk but now I look back and can remember how it felt when I grew angry - it felt physical - not sure I know how to explain that.

The cancer field has a lot to learn and especially to SHARE with patients about the possibilites of after effects from the treatments. No, not everyone will experience them or to the same depth perhaps but just going over the possibilities will help us to understand what has gone on and is going on with our bodies so we don't feel we are 'moaning and groaning' or just plain going nuts.

You aren't alone in this Peggy. Perhaps having your husband lead some of the postings from others on this site who are saying just what you are will help him understand this side of our health issues. Pick a few comments that support what you are going through and print them out for him and your kids to read. I don't know how old your kids are but if they are in their 20ties or up they might benefit from seeing others situations are like yours as well. Also too there are some good cancer psychologists around that can help you and your family deal with all of this, just make sure that they are fully accredited and not just a wanna be therapist that put a shingle out on his/her door. I wish you all the best. Blueroses.

Pnktopaz10 said:

Thank you
Thank you Blueroses and Slickwilly for your comments and ideas. All are good. I will have a talk with hubby and then show him this board. I think that he just wants all of this to go away~wouldn't that be cool~! He had gotten better about letting me do things. Since I am retired and he is still working I was just waiting for him to leave then I started cleaning out closets, cupboards and drawers. Once I got to the kitchen the jig was up lol. But he saw what I was able to do and I think that helped a lot! Now he is asking me what I plan to do next. I take that as a great sign but I am still going to have a heart to heart with him. I know he worries~cheno brain here~ because I forget what it was I was doing if I don't complete it. The other day I was loading the washer and when the cycle was done I went back and had forgotten to put most of the clothes in! I thought that was hysterical! I was laughing so hard I was crying and then I did the wash that should have been done... no one the wiser. I do really love this board and the topics that are discussed it is so helpful! Take care all Pnktopaz10

Talk about bad chemo brain
I was in having a complete physical done with my GP who has been with me for over 24 years and knows me very well as well as my two kids. While she was doing the exam she asked me how old my daughter is now as she hadn't seen her in quite a while and I drew a total blank, and for a long time too. I couldn't remember the date of her birth, confusing it with my son's, and couldn't do the math once I had figured it out. That scared me. My GP was really taken aback by the memory blurp and then asked me if I did know what year it was. Sheeesh. Man it's hard enough for us to get doctors to believe in us then for her to see that blip, now she won't trust anything I say or think. Oh well she got a good look at why I asked her to get me into the memory clinic alright. Sigh. Now both my kids are adopted so maybe the pain of actual birth might have helped me but I doubt it - the memories of the dates were totally just gone. Man was that ever embarassing. I am going to do some testing at a Memory Clinic here - hope they all have a good sleep the night before they try and assess me, lol. May the force be with them. Blessings, Blueroses.

slickwilly said:

Hi Blue
I think there is a conspiracy against people that have had cancer. Everyone tries to trip us up with questions about dates, times and places. My wife is no doubt in charge of this conspiracy as she keeps telling me I don't remember anything. My daughter writes down her weekly schedule and puts it on the fridge so she is a co-conspirator as well. Even my dog keeps looking at me after a walk until I remember his treat. last weekend I closed my house door with my finger still in the frame. I swore at my house as I know its involved now. I got an e-mail from a long lost relative in Spain that is holding millions of dollars for me if I send them some money. I guess it was some relatives I forgot about. Naw, just another way of picking on chemo brain people. I guess the only people not picking on us is the bill collectors, Government and doctors that always call to remind us of anything we forget. Well I hope this made you laugh as its better then dealing with the frustration of memory loss. Just don't forget that someone cares about you. Bless you Slickwilly

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!
Leave it to you Slick to turn things around, I just about spit my coffee out on the computer monitor when I read your entry here - the conspiracy theory - too hysterical. I especially enjoyed the dog and house co-conspirators. What a hoot. Hey my cat is looking at me funny, I see your point, lol. This morning I woke up feeling like, oh cwap another day of putting overwhelming issues off - yada yada, but the day was turned around totally by responses on this discussion board (yours totally included) and a message that was left on my telephone answering machine. I will try and be brief here in explaining it but brevity isn't my strong point as you all have painfully realized in the length of my postings - sorry about that by the way,lol. Anywho I got a message from my cat groomer who I want to come and clip my cat, haven't talked to her for a long while. In the message she said that she thought of me often and worried about how I was doing and that a small prayer card I gave her has become a nightly prayer she and her children say each night before going to bed - it has become one of their favourites. Now Slick I am nowhere near a bible thumping religious spreader of the Good Word but I came across a TV show about 3 years ago about a nun who came over to the states and founded an Order in Indiana and was known for her healing powers and after that it was like I was drawn to her story. I wrote the Order (never had done anything like that in my life before) and the Sister there sent me some little relic cards with a tiny piece of fabric that touched the founder of the Order at one point. From that day on I swear my life made a U turn for the better - hard to explain. From that day on I gave out the cards to people who I was drawn to give them to, not everyone I met. The groomer was a new groomer when she came into my home to do the cat so I didn't know anything about it so risked being looked at as a religous freak by her but instead when I gave her the card and told her the story of this Saint she acted like she won the lottery. Now from this message on the phone I can see that this Saint changed her whole families way of praying even. Isn't that amazing? So I will label this day as a good day, because of you and other posters on the site with their encouragement and caring and of course to Saint Mother Theodore Guerin, the most hard working Saint there is around. lol. Once she comes into your life, it's never quite the same. Hope you have a good day too Slick. Okay I'm done now I can hear you starting to snore Slick. lol. Thanks again for your support. Hugs, Blueroses.

slickwilly said:

Hi Blue
I am so happy I could make you laugh. I would never want to harm someone that is dealing with problems here. But sometimes looking at things a different way helps. My wife and daughter read my post and both laughed. But they also admitted thaere was a lot of truth in it if you look at things from my perspective. When my daughter who is in nursing school forgets something she says her dad's chemo brain rubbed off on her. Now when she forgets something at school the other nurses are saying she has chemo brain. The vast conspiracy is still growing ha ha. Hugs and Blessings to you Blueroses

Yup, it's a growing conspiracy for sure
We should think of starting a second site called the CSCT - Cancer Survivors Conspiratory Theory. lol. Hey there are weirder sites on the net that that, um, so I have been told. Coff. lol. Have a good day in spite of the ever looming conspiracy. Stay low. lol. Hugs Blueroses.

slickwilly said:

tonybear
I think most of us understand how you feel. When we face death it sure gives us a greater respect for life. And yes we get fed up with stupid crap. I returned to work for two years after my cancer. I quickly found that I didn't have much use for the people that talked behind others backs. I stayed around those that gave something back to the community or others in need. Not the takers. I did my job and lived for those days off. I am now on disability as my spine started to fall apart. But I try to enjoy every day. I try to help others through cancer. And like you I love to explore. I was just out on snowshoes a couple weeks ago and had a campfire in the middle of the woods. In the summer I camp and I have a metal detector. I can't wait for summer to get here. There is no doubt your life has changed and you have a much larger appreciation of the simple things. Cancer is like a reality check that slaps us in the face. Bless you and I hope you get plenty of time off work to enjoy life. Slickwilly

Hey Tonybear
Slick is right on the money with his approach to life after cancer and it sounds like you are on the right road as well. Of course cancer brings with it a whole whack of emotions that are played out over and over, and yup we can go through that angry stressed phase now ,and again. but as long as those more negative stages don't last for too long, and thereby interfere with our quality of life, then they will pass. If they do start hanging on a little too long then seeing a good grief counsellor (because of the loss of our original health) never hurts, or even just your doc or pastor perhaps. Talking to other survivors on this board has helped me tremendously many times, when I get into that darker space, OR even helping others when we feel like that can snap us out of it - I have found that many times as well.

Keep on keeping on kiddo and hope this posting findings you having a good day. We are all here for you - don't forget. Blessings, Blueroses.

tonybear said:

much thanks
the hospital i was at provides an on going service of counselors, or shrinks, or psyhic guys. i have one that is very good, he knows he doesn't have all of the answers and helps find other resourses. he suggested this site. it has been a blessing to me in many ways. i can find informations on ways to look ahead instead of reacting to the moments lastest surprise. i now find myself thinkng ahead of situations i may encounter and planning courses of action if things evolve. thanks for the help in this process. one of the things i enjoy most in life is helping others. not just helping but teaching them how to take actions to help themselves. the wife and myself do some work in our church and it is great to see people get to the point of walking on their own. in some ways i am there right now. thanks again for the help. tony

Hey Tony
Sounds like you have a great medical team helping you along. I have really noticed that a great many cancer survivors have this 'need to help' after their cancer experience - it's like a pull to contribute what they have learned to others just starting their journey through, or volunteer in other areas of life where help is needed. It seems to come with the territory, and that's a good thing. Hmmm, sounded like Martha Stewart there for a minute, lol. Glad you were led to our site Tony, you seem to be on a good path. Blessings, Blueroses.

tonybear said:

kiddo?
dear martha stewart.
i had to smile at the kiddo referance. i haven't heard that term applied to me in a few years. i have started looking at each day one at a time now instead of running everything together. somedays i am more emotional that others, i guess i need my wifes midol on those days. somedays i feel so free and happy, then there are those days when this dallas ft worth traffic makes want to remember how to cuss. lol. i guess most everyone has those days.
the longer this goes the more i am able to see things in the same color but in different shades. was that as clear as mud.
i am blessed with a great medical team. sometimes god spoils me. i have a primary care doctor (american) near my house ( she is my favorite), i have another doctor in the dallas area at a native american clinc ( she is indian from india, a real indian)who keeps tabs on my diabeties and also a foot doctor there i am to start seeing in june. i went to the cancer treatment centers of america in tulsa where my cancer doctor is at( hs is canadian) and also a general doctor there (she is from africa.) my head psyhic doctor is american who works at the center in tulsa. he is generic american. a doctor near tulsa in another indian clinic who keeps tabs on all of my meds (he is portirican). i have no excuse other than an act of god to not get better. or an act on my part to not follow the doctors instuctions. the cancer center in tulsa aso provides a dietian, and naturpathic. god has provided for me beyond what i can reason as reasonable.
i try to keep my wife updated on my good days and bad days. sometimes i find myself wondering what is next. i did find i am not so intrested in playing the guitar as i had been for years. i find that strange, i use to play everyday. now i walk by them and don't see them. another change i didn't see coming.
everyone get better and be blessed. tony

Wow, great team, you are blessed indeed
I am so happy to hear that you have a great medical team in place but if I could just ask one favour of you? SEND THE CANADIAN DOCTOR BACK. lol. Sheeesh we are losing our doctors here in Canada and we would like him/her back please. lol.

I can relate to everything you said, as many of us can I'm sure, but one thing you said made me a little sad and that was that you have lost interest in your guitar. Music is soooooooooooooooo healing and is a great therapy. If you can force yourself to pick it up, just for a few minutes each day, I bet you would get back into it in no time. OR perhaps get some extra incentive by perhaps teaching a child how to play the guitar - that should give you the goal you need in getting back to playing. I wish I could play an instrument. I played piano as a child but of course fought my parents tooth and nail to stop the lessons as I grew up and became more sociable - wish I had continued now.

Take care, thanks for sharing, and I hope next time you write you will have picked up that guitar again and started to play once more. Blessings, Blueroses.