dorookie..........I need to see ya back in here......
Comments
-
I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth0 -
I'm here toodorookie said:I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth
Hey Beth,
It might come as quite a surprise to you to find that all the people, who you think are strong and positive, have also had the exact same fears and feelings that you are going through. It's true! I don't believe, for a minute, there is one person on this planet who, if feeling just fine physically, is told that they have a sickness that is known to shorten your time on this earth and you are possibly looking at 6 - 24 months left is going to be able to say, "Oh well, c'est la vie! I've had a good life. If you say it's my time to go, then that's ok by my." There are many, many who, knowing full well they aren't given a time, can talk in those terms and say that if it's their time to go, they would be fine with it... but for anyone who has actually been told, by a doctor or a specialist that either that is all the time left they have, or there's a good possibility that that is all the time they have left... that person won't freak out, be terrified and all sorts of emotions, including anger, could come out. Hello??? We are feeling fine, we have a good life going for us, we are young (no matter what age we are, we are young for that age)... and we are NOT ready to die. How dare ANYONE tell us we are on borrowed time... what right do they have? But, if they are doctors, who we all look up to, then we start doubting our own thoughts, our own mortality... and then we get scared, depressed and terrified.
So how does one deal with this? We can't live in terror... that will give us a heart attack! So that's where the anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds come in handy. They will rebalance any chemical imbalances that have happened due to the shock we have been through. And then... we have to put aside the doctors' or anyone else's opinions of what is going to happen... because they have no proof that this will happen to you or to me or to anyone else on this board. And none of us, who are fighting this ongoing battle have any proof of what is going to happen to anyone here on this board. I can no more tell you you are on borrowed time, as I can tell you how I think you should spend your money or live your life. But we can support each other and celebrate when someone has a gain or positive outcome, and help pick the person's spirits up when they come across a BLIP in their journey.
You know... I met a gal when I was going to my chemo infusions. We hit it off like a house on fire... both of us getting the same chemo. We found out we had the same kind of cancer and had the same dream team of doctors. Both of use were taken to the hospital on an emergency basis because of pain and it happened to be the same hospital even though we live in different parts of the city. Turns out we had the same surgeon. Then, it ends up we have the same oncologist. We were amazed at how much our journeys were so similar. Well, as we were finishing up our chemo cycles, they found three inoperable spots on her liver and I forget how many, but a couple on her lungs. At this point, we didn't know about my adrernal gland or the spots on my lungs. I felt so scared for her... "OMG! What would I do if they found more cancer in me??" I didn't think I'd be able to deal with that, and look how brave she was being... sort of taking it in her stride. Before she started the second go-round of chemo she and her husband and two daughters went on a skiing holiday. Yep, after 12 rounds of chemo, including Oxapilatin, she went skiing for a week! I was soooo impressed!
Well, she just finished 11 of 12 cycles of the second round of chemo on Dec 1st. They found that the cancer had stopped growing... just up and stopped and felt she didn't need that last cycle (she called it her early Christmas present). It is her birthday this month... she and her hubby are going for a 3-day ski getaway. So here she is, after 23 cycles of chemo, and celebrating that the cancer has stopped growing... and she's off for another ski holiday.
Back when she was on the first round of chemo... and they found the spots on her liver and lungs... she was given the talk... up to 24 months. But she is no where near at the end of her life or journey... and that just goes for the rest of us. We take the blips as we get them, and we work around them... and we continue on. Me, I don't ski ... heck, because of the arthritis, I find walking to be a challenge at times... BUT, I do have my passionate hobbies... like theatre! And this beast is not going to stop me from being involved in theatre for many years to come.
And guess what... it's not going to for you either!! No matter what the pundits like to say... they don't know us ... and they don't know you! If you were ready to die, you'd just lie down and wilt away... but you have too much to live for to start wilting now
Huggggggs,
Cheryl0 -
Me too sweetie...dorookie said:I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth
I had a full page of stuff and for some reason it just went "poof" out into cyberspace. so I will try again but in shorter terms.....
I knew you were having troubles, we normally alienate ourselves when we do. We need the comfort of others to feel alive, vibrant, and useful. When we are alone we dwell on things that we shouldn't, but we do.
Why are we here ? Because this is a place where you come in feeling down, and try to leave uplifted, or try to pass some lively conversation along to at least give someone a minute of feeling "normal" again....
Im like you, I get mad about this, but it only creates more sadness and along with that more misery. I went out the other day and kicked the trashcan all over the yard. Thats my way of dealing with it now. Feels good too, and no one is going to tell me to stop...hehe, I hope they try...hehe.
quote......."I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that."......end quote.....
There is your way to get out of the depression your in, by surrounding yourself with bodies. The computer is not as affectionate as real people so when you sign off its like, well, lets call it passing from now on instead of dieing. "Die" is a word that is to permanent for me so passing is it from here on. When I sign off its like passing on, I lose all contact with my "friends" and I am alone again. But, for me Im not alone anymore , ever. The only difference between you and me is that you still haven't allowed yourself to let go yet and 100% let Him take care of you. Hes still waiting for that from you,it doesn't mean your not going to Heaven, it only means that you still want control. He is the only one with control, let Him carry it and you live your life.
Heres what it boils down to....quote...."maybe just being plain scared that I might die...end quote. We are all scared of passing on because we think life is over when we pass. We will all pass on, its inevitable, He is the only one that knows when. I will not want to leave this earth because of the people that love me here, but I also have people up there that miss me also, so when its time for me to go I'll go and my Dad will be there when I get there. He promised me that. Im winning either way, and eventually I will see the rest of my family again.
Beth, I can't change the way you feel and how you handle those feelings, but I know that we can't handle you not being a part of us, and not silently either. Come in and speak your peace. If you want to rant and rave and cuss scream and yell by all means do so. We are here to listen no matter what its about, and maybe , just maybe, we can come to common terms and get all these feelings we all have resolved. We can't do it if we don't talk...God Bless ya hun......He has, you just don't realize it yet...............0 -
so glad to hear from youdorookie said:I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth
Hi Beth,
I'm so glad Buzzard posted this, because I was thinking of doing the same because I was wondering how you're doing since we haven't heard much from you lately. You've come to my mind several times over the past few days and I've really, really been praying for you. When you said that understanding why things happen may not be within your reach and that you need to focus more on accepting things, well I think that's a milestone that you've reached- really. I's part of the process of gaining peace about this whole thing. You're not all the way there yet, but you will be.
Don't be so hard on yourself about not feeling positive about everything! As Buzzard said, giving yourself over and Trusting yourself 100% in God's hands is where that peace is going to come from. I know that isn't always an easy thing to do, though! Once you have the peace, that's when you'll be able to deal with this beast in a more positive light. The Bible describes God's peace as "the peace that passes all understanding". It's hard to describe it, but you'll know it when it's there. That is what I'm praying for you and will continue to do so- that you'll be able to surrender completely into His care and realize that you won't know "why" for getting cancer, but He is going to take care of you like never before once you surrender your feelings and emotions to Him.
I'm glad to hear your doctor upped your meds- just watch them and for any side effects carefully. I'm also glad to hear you got to spend time with your daughter and have gone to a support group! We're all here for you and we love to hear from you (even if it's not a good day- don't worry about posting if it's not all rosy and positive news), but spending time with people you can see face to face, hug, and spend physical time with is the real key. You'd definitely be missed, though, if you stopped posting here!
That kind of blows me away the thought of it- that we live all over America and even some in other countries, yet we can communicate and support each other as if we're in the same house. Pretty awesome.
Well, do take care Beth.
Fondly,
Lisa0 -
Thanks AgainBuzzard said:Me too sweetie...
I had a full page of stuff and for some reason it just went "poof" out into cyberspace. so I will try again but in shorter terms.....
I knew you were having troubles, we normally alienate ourselves when we do. We need the comfort of others to feel alive, vibrant, and useful. When we are alone we dwell on things that we shouldn't, but we do.
Why are we here ? Because this is a place where you come in feeling down, and try to leave uplifted, or try to pass some lively conversation along to at least give someone a minute of feeling "normal" again....
Im like you, I get mad about this, but it only creates more sadness and along with that more misery. I went out the other day and kicked the trashcan all over the yard. Thats my way of dealing with it now. Feels good too, and no one is going to tell me to stop...hehe, I hope they try...hehe.
quote......."I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that."......end quote.....
There is your way to get out of the depression your in, by surrounding yourself with bodies. The computer is not as affectionate as real people so when you sign off its like, well, lets call it passing from now on instead of dieing. "Die" is a word that is to permanent for me so passing is it from here on. When I sign off its like passing on, I lose all contact with my "friends" and I am alone again. But, for me Im not alone anymore , ever. The only difference between you and me is that you still haven't allowed yourself to let go yet and 100% let Him take care of you. Hes still waiting for that from you,it doesn't mean your not going to Heaven, it only means that you still want control. He is the only one with control, let Him carry it and you live your life.
Heres what it boils down to....quote...."maybe just being plain scared that I might die...end quote. We are all scared of passing on because we think life is over when we pass. We will all pass on, its inevitable, He is the only one that knows when. I will not want to leave this earth because of the people that love me here, but I also have people up there that miss me also, so when its time for me to go I'll go and my Dad will be there when I get there. He promised me that. Im winning either way, and eventually I will see the rest of my family again.
Beth, I can't change the way you feel and how you handle those feelings, but I know that we can't handle you not being a part of us, and not silently either. Come in and speak your peace. If you want to rant and rave and cuss scream and yell by all means do so. We are here to listen no matter what its about, and maybe , just maybe, we can come to common terms and get all these feelings we all have resolved. We can't do it if we don't talk...God Bless ya hun......He has, you just don't realize it yet...............
I really appreciate everyones post and concerns, it really makes me feel good and not so alone. This go around has really flipped me for aloop. However I am starting to feel better, the feelings of hopelessness are fading and I am having more good days then bad. I dont know if its the meds or me just getting things in my head cleared up some. That negative way of thinking seems to have subsided and things just look brighter lately. I am very glad I found that support group, and I am excited about going back.
Most of my thoughts now are about surviving and living, which is much better from what they were a few weeks ago. Guess now I do have to pay the bills...LOL
I am very blessed, I have a great partner who loves me and supports me, a wonderful daughter who I love very much but still drives me crazy, and a God that I know wont let me down! Who could really ask for more, right? Ok OK I do ask for more but I am only human...LOL
Dont worry Buzzard I will be right here, not going anywhere, promise! I will continue to chime in with my two cents here and there.
Thanks again to everyone!
Cheryl your the Bomb! I love how you put your thoughts and storys into words, just love reading your posts girl! Please keep us updated on what your ONC has to say.
Lisa, Thanks so much sweetie, your so very kind and it means so much to me that you were thinking of me. Your just the best and very much appreciated.
God Bless ALL
Beth0 -
I know exactly how you feel.lisa42 said:so glad to hear from you
Hi Beth,
I'm so glad Buzzard posted this, because I was thinking of doing the same because I was wondering how you're doing since we haven't heard much from you lately. You've come to my mind several times over the past few days and I've really, really been praying for you. When you said that understanding why things happen may not be within your reach and that you need to focus more on accepting things, well I think that's a milestone that you've reached- really. I's part of the process of gaining peace about this whole thing. You're not all the way there yet, but you will be.
Don't be so hard on yourself about not feeling positive about everything! As Buzzard said, giving yourself over and Trusting yourself 100% in God's hands is where that peace is going to come from. I know that isn't always an easy thing to do, though! Once you have the peace, that's when you'll be able to deal with this beast in a more positive light. The Bible describes God's peace as "the peace that passes all understanding". It's hard to describe it, but you'll know it when it's there. That is what I'm praying for you and will continue to do so- that you'll be able to surrender completely into His care and realize that you won't know "why" for getting cancer, but He is going to take care of you like never before once you surrender your feelings and emotions to Him.
I'm glad to hear your doctor upped your meds- just watch them and for any side effects carefully. I'm also glad to hear you got to spend time with your daughter and have gone to a support group! We're all here for you and we love to hear from you (even if it's not a good day- don't worry about posting if it's not all rosy and positive news), but spending time with people you can see face to face, hug, and spend physical time with is the real key. You'd definitely be missed, though, if you stopped posting here!
That kind of blows me away the thought of it- that we live all over America and even some in other countries, yet we can communicate and support each other as if we're in the same house. Pretty awesome.
Well, do take care Beth.
Fondly,
Lisa
I know exactly how you feel. When I was told my cancer had spread I went home and ate (seriously) a pint of Haggen-Daz strawberry ice cream everyday for four days in a row. I didn't care one bit about the *sugar*, I just wanted some comfort. I didn't shower, clean...nothing. I was sooooo depressed (still am to a degree). I even went to church this morning (I wasn't raised religious so it was a relatively new thing for me). It's scary giving up control but if we can't, we drive ourselves insane.
I hope you find some comfort in those around you. Doctors are wrong all the time - I know now that mine were.
Thinking of you,
Elizabeth0 -
Hang In Theredorookie said:I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth
So glad to hear you are doing better. I relate so much to your feelings
with my second battle four years later with a liver resection when I thought
since I had Stage II and no lynph node involvement, I was free and clear of
any further problems. It is a huge blow and the comparison between how I felt
after the colon resection in 2004 and this year when a spot showed up in my
liver. In 2004 I was elated, I had conquered this thing and this year I
am thinking I should be making funeral arrangements and am trying to get my
house in order so it can be sold and what do I do with my dog I have had for
8 years etc.etc. But I am now attenpting zoloft for the second time at onc.
rquest that I give it another try for a week....was getting serious diarrhea...
am starting out with 25 mg. and work up to the 50 mg. And I am going to
groups and programs at the Wellness Center; it hasn't helped that I have
relationship problems with a family member and a long time friend who have
not been supportive as I expected....and I could go on and on but I am
hanging in here like you are and believing that these days WILL GET BETTER!
It helps to know that I am not the only person on the planet going through
this emotional roller coaster and I am sure you are feeling that way too.0 -
same heredixchi said:Hang In There
So glad to hear you are doing better. I relate so much to your feelings
with my second battle four years later with a liver resection when I thought
since I had Stage II and no lynph node involvement, I was free and clear of
any further problems. It is a huge blow and the comparison between how I felt
after the colon resection in 2004 and this year when a spot showed up in my
liver. In 2004 I was elated, I had conquered this thing and this year I
am thinking I should be making funeral arrangements and am trying to get my
house in order so it can be sold and what do I do with my dog I have had for
8 years etc.etc. But I am now attenpting zoloft for the second time at onc.
rquest that I give it another try for a week....was getting serious diarrhea...
am starting out with 25 mg. and work up to the 50 mg. And I am going to
groups and programs at the Wellness Center; it hasn't helped that I have
relationship problems with a family member and a long time friend who have
not been supportive as I expected....and I could go on and on but I am
hanging in here like you are and believing that these days WILL GET BETTER!
It helps to know that I am not the only person on the planet going through
this emotional roller coaster and I am sure you are feeling that way too.
I am sorry you are having so many problems, but I can relate. This roller coaster of emotions is driving me nuttso. It was really bad there for a while, but I think I am getting back on track or at least having more good days then bad. Yes it does help to know I am not the only one having all these negative thoughts. I was feeling bad for being so negative, see how crazy this makes ya! So please know you are not alone and there are others out there that can relate to you and how you are feeling. I sure hope things go better for you and that your relationship problems get resolved soon. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless
Beth0 -
Stop it!dorookie said:I am Here
Hi Buzzard,
Thanks for your post, and your prayers, they are working. I am just trying to deal with the crazy thoughts that go through my head. Dealing with the anger that has seemed to consume me. I dont want to be angry anymore, have been doing alot of praying and trying to understand why things happen the way they do. I am coming to the conclusion that understanding why things happen may not be within my reach. That I need to focus more on accepting what is going on and trying to deal with that. I sometimes feel like I am not as good as everyone here on the board, they all seem to be so strong, so faithful and seem to be so much more positive then I have been. I guess I was following that old saying "if you dont have something nice to say, well dont say anything at all". I dont want to bring others down because of the mood I am in, ya know? I do appreciate everyone here, I do read here everyday.
I did find a cancer support group, went there last Monday, its a small group one that is just starting up, but it seemed very nice and I am excited about going this Monday. My Doc upped my meds the other day so waiting to see how that goes. Got to spend some time with my daughter that was very nice, I sure did need that.
I cant believe how all of this has changed my life so much. Things seem so different now, for the first time in my life I dont know which way I am heading. I am the type to have always known what I was working for and how to get there. Why I cant seem to approach this beast the same way drives me crazy. How can it cause so much turmoil? How can it just take complete control of our lives?
I have been doing alot of thinking about God and talking to him. Trying to find a way back to him, to feel his comfort and to accept his help. Again why is this so hard for me, it never was in the past, maybe its the anger or maybe just being plain scared that I might die. Those thoughts can really have weird affects on a person.
I love reading your posts, you share so much wisdom, your posts are very calming, and give so much peace. I enjoy everyones post as well, but you just seem to stick out to me. I just thank you for being here and allowing me to be apart of your journey. You are a very special person to me and I am sure to many others, just wanted you to know that and to thank you!
God Bless
Beth
Beth, you are no different from anyone else on this board. A lot of times we deliberately take on a more positive note than we actually feel. It is perfectly normal to be angry, sad and generally upset. The important thing is that you recognize this and work on it. It is not magically going to go away. You are doing the right things--getting meds for the depression and praying for the strength to deal with this.
It's not going to go away, but you can look at it differently. It takes everyone different times, energies and thoughts to get to acceptance and to get on with living the new "normal." But just remember, God is looking out for you and you are part of His plan. No matter what, you are cherished and loved.
Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten0 -
Being Positivedorookie said:same here
I am sorry you are having so many problems, but I can relate. This roller coaster of emotions is driving me nuttso. It was really bad there for a while, but I think I am getting back on track or at least having more good days then bad. Yes it does help to know I am not the only one having all these negative thoughts. I was feeling bad for being so negative, see how crazy this makes ya! So please know you are not alone and there are others out there that can relate to you and how you are feeling. I sure hope things go better for you and that your relationship problems get resolved soon. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless
Beth
Beth,
I know that I am one of those 'positive' people. I work at laughter and tend to be positive in general. That is my personality and I do work at it, too. That being said, I have bad moments and bad days. I get sad and angry. I cry. I am SCARED,too. We really aren't that different. You are not alone. It is ok to come here and vent, cry, whine....whatever! That's WHY we come here....because these folks 'get it' like no one else in my life can. I can let those that are more naturally positive lift me up, those that are more educated in treatment options lead me to new ideas, those that are more spiritual pray for me, and by helping others that are struggling I can put my own struggles in perspective. We all help each other. YOU have helped me....yes, even while you have struggled you have helped me with my journey.
Please keep posting. It will help you, but you are also helping others. ME, pick ME!! LOL
Kimby0 -
I love your response!kimby said:Being Positive
Beth,
I know that I am one of those 'positive' people. I work at laughter and tend to be positive in general. That is my personality and I do work at it, too. That being said, I have bad moments and bad days. I get sad and angry. I cry. I am SCARED,too. We really aren't that different. You are not alone. It is ok to come here and vent, cry, whine....whatever! That's WHY we come here....because these folks 'get it' like no one else in my life can. I can let those that are more naturally positive lift me up, those that are more educated in treatment options lead me to new ideas, those that are more spiritual pray for me, and by helping others that are struggling I can put my own struggles in perspective. We all help each other. YOU have helped me....yes, even while you have struggled you have helped me with my journey.
Please keep posting. It will help you, but you are also helping others. ME, pick ME!! LOL
Kimby
Kimby, this brought tears to my eyes! "...more naturally positive lift me up, those that are more educated in treatment options lead me to new ideas, those that are more spiritual pray for me..." That is a very awesome and exact way of stating that we all have different talents and that through those talents are able to lift up those around us! We are all parts of one body! And your comment about ME, pick ME!!!!! Awesome!
mary0 -
toxic relationshipsdixchi said:Hang In There
So glad to hear you are doing better. I relate so much to your feelings
with my second battle four years later with a liver resection when I thought
since I had Stage II and no lynph node involvement, I was free and clear of
any further problems. It is a huge blow and the comparison between how I felt
after the colon resection in 2004 and this year when a spot showed up in my
liver. In 2004 I was elated, I had conquered this thing and this year I
am thinking I should be making funeral arrangements and am trying to get my
house in order so it can be sold and what do I do with my dog I have had for
8 years etc.etc. But I am now attenpting zoloft for the second time at onc.
rquest that I give it another try for a week....was getting serious diarrhea...
am starting out with 25 mg. and work up to the 50 mg. And I am going to
groups and programs at the Wellness Center; it hasn't helped that I have
relationship problems with a family member and a long time friend who have
not been supportive as I expected....and I could go on and on but I am
hanging in here like you are and believing that these days WILL GET BETTER!
It helps to know that I am not the only person on the planet going through
this emotional roller coaster and I am sure you are feeling that way too.
Emily speaks often about having to rid her life of toxic relationships when she entered her healing journey and it is so true! You can't do anything to change other people and when you get over the disappointment of their not living up to your expectations, sometimes you just have to let go. Everybody is just doing the best they can with what they have, and just can't change. Accepting that and moving on with your life can be very difficult. My father is one that I have just had to let go. Since my mother died in 2006, I have been very hopeful that my father will suddenly realize how important his family is and will become the father all of us have wished for all our lives. He has unequivocally shown repeatedly since that he is the same man that he was as we were growing up, so I just have to let that go. I have accepted that I can't change him and that I have to let go of that fantasy of the Father Knows Best kind of father. I also have come to believe that it's ok! I can only focus on myself and try to be the best parent I can for MY children! I pray that you will be able to resolve your relationship issues and the other issues you are having problems with and can come to a place of peace!
mary0 -
Just one thing for me to say.............kmygil said:Stop it!
Beth, you are no different from anyone else on this board. A lot of times we deliberately take on a more positive note than we actually feel. It is perfectly normal to be angry, sad and generally upset. The important thing is that you recognize this and work on it. It is not magically going to go away. You are doing the right things--getting meds for the depression and praying for the strength to deal with this.
It's not going to go away, but you can look at it differently. It takes everyone different times, energies and thoughts to get to acceptance and to get on with living the new "normal." But just remember, God is looking out for you and you are part of His plan. No matter what, you are cherished and loved.
Hugs and prayers,
Kirsten
HOLD ON TO THE ROPE...... :-)0 -
Kimby responseBuzzard said:Just one thing for me to say.............
HOLD ON TO THE ROPE...... :-)
I would like to return to Kimby's response on this thread. i agree with Mary....it brought tears my eyes....so wise. Kimby you are right....it takes everybody on this forum. I am so in awe of the knowledge people have about cancer.....i have just sort of floated thru....other people are so positive....some people offer such solid spiritual belief. I really am coming to see that all the little bits that we are can make up a great big whole.
Beth please don't ever think you are negative or not as informed or too depressed to post here.
Mags0 -
Thanksmaglets said:Kimby response
I would like to return to Kimby's response on this thread. i agree with Mary....it brought tears my eyes....so wise. Kimby you are right....it takes everybody on this forum. I am so in awe of the knowledge people have about cancer.....i have just sort of floated thru....other people are so positive....some people offer such solid spiritual belief. I really am coming to see that all the little bits that we are can make up a great big whole.
Beth please don't ever think you are negative or not as informed or too depressed to post here.
Mags
Thanks Mags, I really appreciate your post. I loved what Kimby said as well. It made me feel like I was apart of the family. I love everyone here, and I am feeling better. Thank you
God Bless
Beth0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatormaglets said:Kimby response
I would like to return to Kimby's response on this thread. i agree with Mary....it brought tears my eyes....so wise. Kimby you are right....it takes everybody on this forum. I am so in awe of the knowledge people have about cancer.....i have just sort of floated thru....other people are so positive....some people offer such solid spiritual belief. I really am coming to see that all the little bits that we are can make up a great big whole.
Beth please don't ever think you are negative or not as informed or too depressed to post here.
Mags0 -
We are here..dorookie said:I am
I am holding on buddy...and I will gladly hold on to it for someone else that needs it...THanks buddy
God Bless
Beth
Sorry I didn't post early, but I have been thinking of you and praying for you. This week is my angry and scared week. I decided that I am going to do something useful. I have my everyday dishes that are so chipped, cracked and ugly it's embarrassing. I don't know why I have kept them. I am going to break them all. Just smash the heck out of them. Today is the day...if it's not too cold outside (best not to do this in the kitchen I think!).
Keep holding on...we have a looooong rope, thanks to Buzzard.
Vicki0 -
FUN!!VickiCO said:We are here..
Sorry I didn't post early, but I have been thinking of you and praying for you. This week is my angry and scared week. I decided that I am going to do something useful. I have my everyday dishes that are so chipped, cracked and ugly it's embarrassing. I don't know why I have kept them. I am going to break them all. Just smash the heck out of them. Today is the day...if it's not too cold outside (best not to do this in the kitchen I think!).
Keep holding on...we have a looooong rope, thanks to Buzzard.
Vicki
I want to come to colorado and join in the fun! It will be so cathartic for you and then you will be able to go out and get some nice NEW everyday plates! Then, every day you use the new plates you will be able to remember the joy breaking the old ones brought! You go girl and take some pics!
mary0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatormsccolon said:FUN!!
I want to come to colorado and join in the fun! It will be so cathartic for you and then you will be able to go out and get some nice NEW everyday plates! Then, every day you use the new plates you will be able to remember the joy breaking the old ones brought! You go girl and take some pics!
mary0
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