husband cheating while sick

tasha_111 said:

Kbc
Brilliantly put.

Ohilly, I am sorry. I have
Ohilly, I am sorry. I have been in three live-in relationships and everyone of those bastards cheated on me. With the first guy I was very hurt because I was young and didn't know any better, but that made me not trust the next ones. I'm 53 years old and have never been married and do not plan to get married. I know the hurt you feel, but you will heal rather you stay with him or not you will heal.

kbc4869 said:

What the heck -- here's my two cents
I don't think it's a bad thing for us to talk about things other than cancer. Cancer can get soooooo booorrring. And there's nothing wrong with a little bit of a healthy debate. We're all adults here. I think we can handle it.

I guess I get real tired of this idea that men just can't help themselves: "I'm a MAN! I can't help it!" That some how they're not physically or emotionally capable of denying their urges because their so much stronger than women's is a cop out and an excuse.

Before I was married (and back when my body produced hormones that acutally enabled me to have a sex drive), I had a libido as strong as any man's that I knew. I know what an urge is, and sometimes I controlled it and other times I didn't. But you know what? Knowing that about myself, I did not enter into marriage. When I finally did, I did so with the understanding that I would control those urges as long as I stayed married to my husband.

There comes a time when there's a desicion made on whether you cheat or not. I am not gullible, and I do not suffer from head in the sand syndrome. I know guys think about it. I know opportunities are out there. Women have them too. However, if you cheat on me, you're gone. And if I cheat on you, you can tell me so long as well. It's about intergrity. Either you have it or you don't.

To me, talking about other women that you want to screw while you're married to me is disrespectful, hurtful and devaluing. And if I had to put a whole lot of energy into coddling your fragile male ego by allowing you to make me feel as if it's a big chore and favor that you're being faithful to me, guess what? Good bye. Don't let the door hit you in the ****. Even if I loved you, I love myself more. That's not how my grandfather treated my grandmother, or how my father treated my mother. And it's not how I will raise my daughter to be treated.

I've known a couple of real men in my life. Being a real man isn't about making excuses. It's putting others and your familuy before yourself. It's about intergrity. It's about sticking around when things get rough, uncomfortable, ugly and hard. It's how your raised and it's about your values. It's not about being led around by your **** because you "just can't help it because you're a man." That's like saying I can't change a tire or be the breadwinner in my family because I'm just a women. There are choices in life. If you make the wrong ones, that's fine, but don't blame it on your gender. Place the blame where it belongs, which is your character.

No hard feelings, Robert. I just respectfully disagree.

love
Kim, I agree with you. A lot of how we behave depends on how we were raised and what example we had as children. My parents had their disagreements but were forever faithful to one another. When my Mom died my Dad was never the same--he just went through the motions after that. He would never have even considered being with another woman even as a widow. His heart belonged to my Mom. To me thats love. I think that if you really, truly love someone, you could never ever, bear to hurt them, behind their back or otherwise.

ohilly said:

upset
All of you are trying to support me, and for that I am deeply appreciative. However, for those who said they would be 'out the door' if a man cheated on them, I want to say that it's not that simple. My husband and I have been married 27 years and have two children. Yes, if he keeps on doing it, ultimately I will have no choice but to leave, but I just wanted to scream that it's not so simple. We have our counseling session on Friday and I will keep you posted.

Ohilly

yes
My marriage broke up after 26 years and it took 2 more years for the divorce to be final. There is nothing simple about it. There are so many threads to unravel and so much 'stuff' (both real and emotional) to deal with and so many habits to unlearn. And a whole new life to rebuild. My ex just wanted out and was not interested in any form of healing process. And I could not make it happen by myself. That was a bitter pill to swallow.
All this is to say that I think you are very wise to do all you can before deciding what the final outcome will be. At the end of the day you will want to know that you TRIED. I wish you the result that will be for your best good and happiness.

SUPPORT
Dear Ohilly,

My previous message was very short because I just don't know what to say, besides that I wish you and your husband a positive outcome to this very hurtful situation. This is such a emotionally packed subject and each of us have our own personal idea on how to deal with this, however in the end it all boils down to what works for you and your husband. I have been married for 30 years and cannot imagine life without my husband so I understand how you would want to rectify this if at all possible. I truly do not know what I would do if I were in your shoes, but I suspect I would probably seek professional help to see if we could salvage things. We have all been here for you through your past concerns and we are here for you now. I wish you all the best Ohilly, I truly do!

RE

ohilly said:

thanks to all
I just want to let everyone know (again!) how much I value and appreciate your support. We may not always agree, but we always try to support each other. I actually believe my husband and I are going to work things out. We really do love each other, and people are complex: the same person who went online and answered a personal ad went to every single doctor's appointment with me and constantly told me I was going to live and survive.

On a happier note, I am so so happy to tell all of you I was able to dye my hair brown and it actually looks halfway normal! Now, how long does it take for the eyebrows to grow back (but I guess you can always use eyebrow pencil)?

Ohilly

hair
Wonderful to hear your hair is brown again! I have lost my hair four times and it never came back fast enough for me.

((((HUGS TO YOU!)))

RE

So KNOW what it going through.... husband diagnosed few years ago & I've been his one and only caregiver since then. Recently found out he has been cheating on me during this time .....all while telling me that sex was last thing he was thinking about when I questioned him before about why didn't seem interested in me anymore.

Now he's in middle of getting chemo and CARTYI and once again I'm his ONLY caregiver? And JUST found this out and I am beyond heartbroken and devastated.