husband cheating while sick
Comments
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Afraid so....
My marriage broke up after 26 years and two kids. I was out of treatment but the 'issues' came up while I was in the midst of the cancer battle. I can not say when the emotional cheating began, but the 'real' cheating began at least as soon as he moved out and possibly before. He refused counseling or any other attempt at healing our marriage.
When I told my onco at my next visit, his reply was, "I see that happening sooo many times with my patients."
Nothing stresses a marriage more than something like cancer.
We could go into all the yadda-yadda's about how men often can't handle the realities, and so forth, but the bottom line is, either he was truly 'there' when he made those vows or else he was off in la-la-land.
I truly hope counseling will be the answer for you and your hubby. It can be if you both want it to be. My only word
of caution is not to let the abuse (in ANY form) continue.
Feel free to email me here or at barbarashouse@gmail.com any time if you need to talk.
God bless.0 -
My beau and I never married....
We have had our moments, over 17 years. But the strain during the cancer was our biggest challenge. I left him twice. God only knows whether he was true during those times, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. We talked about it alot, and he expressed his frustration and I expressed mine. We REALLY listened to each other. We are together again, wiser, and I have a better way to express myself when I get irritated...I just say "I'm almost packing my car" (but I don't do it...lol). He knows I'm serious, and sits down and we talk. If he stopped doing that, I would pack my car, for the last time...I don't allow emotional abuse any more than physical abuse.
Cancer plays havoc with ALL of our relationships. I lost friends, and a few family. They just couldn't handle seeing me and being reminded that all life is fragile, and has an end, even THEIRS!!!
Considering your investment, and his willingness to talk to a consellor, I think (my own opinion) you need to give it an honest try...still may have the same outcome...but ask yourself: You know all about this person and he you, you have shared a major portion of your life with him and he you, do you want to find romance again with him, or with someone new?
Hugs, Kathi0 -
thanks for your supportKathiM said:My beau and I never married....
We have had our moments, over 17 years. But the strain during the cancer was our biggest challenge. I left him twice. God only knows whether he was true during those times, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. We talked about it alot, and he expressed his frustration and I expressed mine. We REALLY listened to each other. We are together again, wiser, and I have a better way to express myself when I get irritated...I just say "I'm almost packing my car" (but I don't do it...lol). He knows I'm serious, and sits down and we talk. If he stopped doing that, I would pack my car, for the last time...I don't allow emotional abuse any more than physical abuse.
Cancer plays havoc with ALL of our relationships. I lost friends, and a few family. They just couldn't handle seeing me and being reminded that all life is fragile, and has an end, even THEIRS!!!
Considering your investment, and his willingness to talk to a consellor, I think (my own opinion) you need to give it an honest try...still may have the same outcome...but ask yourself: You know all about this person and he you, you have shared a major portion of your life with him and he you, do you want to find romance again with him, or with someone new?
Hugs, Kathi
Once again, I don't know what I would do without this message board! You are all dear friends, although we have never met in person.
I know my husband loves me and I love him, although I can't understand why he did what he did. I wish I could say it was a reaction to my cancer, but I believe he was going online and answering personal ads, etc. before I was diagnosed. I will give him another chance because we have two kids and he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't know what the future holds and I am very scared. I will keep you posted. Ohilly0 -
Sending Hugsohilly said:thanks for your support
Once again, I don't know what I would do without this message board! You are all dear friends, although we have never met in person.
I know my husband loves me and I love him, although I can't understand why he did what he did. I wish I could say it was a reaction to my cancer, but I believe he was going online and answering personal ads, etc. before I was diagnosed. I will give him another chance because we have two kids and he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't know what the future holds and I am very scared. I will keep you posted. Ohilly
Ohilly,
I am sorry this has come your way, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
(((HUGS)))
RE0 -
Nice Timing, eh?
Hi Ohilly,
I am truely sorry that you are going through this. I read your post's subject line and my heart just sank. I don't have this experience because I was alone during my cancer (met hubby afterwards) but it can happen to any of us.
I'm not getting from your post that he has physically cheated on you -- perhaps just toying with the idea via internet. NOT that that is acceptable by any means. So, perhaps it's just a cry for help or attention . . . I don't know. I'll never understand a man's psyche [sigh].
I wish the best for you -- whether it's with him or without him. Please keep us updated. We care very much about you and we're always here to lend an ear.
xoxo
K0 -
Stay loyal to yourself....ohilly said:thanks for your support
Once again, I don't know what I would do without this message board! You are all dear friends, although we have never met in person.
I know my husband loves me and I love him, although I can't understand why he did what he did. I wish I could say it was a reaction to my cancer, but I believe he was going online and answering personal ads, etc. before I was diagnosed. I will give him another chance because we have two kids and he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't know what the future holds and I am very scared. I will keep you posted. Ohilly
In the final analysis, you are the only one in your corner, come what may....
During your discussions, with the counsellor, be calm and honest. Don't hold things back. Don't be mean, but lay it on the line. Otherwise, you will go away feeling cheated.
After years of being together, even without the strain of a life threatening illness, people can drift. Again, I'm not excusing it, he should have said something, but it happens. I was watching a TV show that interviewed people married for 40 years or more. A few had 'wandering' problems. They worked them thru, and then made a conscious effort to "Let the past be past", not using these things in the future during a disagreement (basically, deactivating the buttons). Unless, of course, it should happen again.
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Dear Ohilly, I was very
Dear Ohilly, I was very saddened reading your post today. Cancer is a b****, not only does it affect us but those around us also. I am hoping that this was only an online thing and nothing physical, not that it makes it any easier. I am glad that your two are going for counseling and I sincerely hope that you both can make it work out. 27 years are too many to just give up and quit. Wishing you all the best Ohilly, you will be in my prayers. Hugs, Lili0 -
Cheating Husband
Dear Ohilly,
I hope that you and your husband can work this out. Being a husband that has cheated on two different wives(been married 4 times)you need to find out why he is looking?Is he just bored or is there a problem in the bedroom because of the Cancer? When my current wife was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer several years ago,we had problems being "romantic" for weeks or months at a time,and I thought REALLY hard about cheating on her!It would have been easy too. She was in the Hospital a week every month,for over a year,for Intravenous Chemotherpy. I thought,"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought about cheating ALL the time. I almost went through with it a couple of times,too. But I didn't. Because I would have known. I cheated on my other wives because I didn't care for them. I had no feelings,good or bad, about them when I cheated on them. I just did it because I WANTED TO and because I could. I was almost caught by one wife a couple of times,but I just told her a BIG story and convinced her that I would never cheat on her and said that if she "really" loved me she would belive me,too. And she did! The reason I have not cheated on my current wife is because when we got married 15 years ago,I looked her in the eye and vowed never to cheat on her no matter what. Yes,I do think about cheating on her sometimes,but I haven't and I won't. I WON'T LET ME! I am satisfied with what I have now. Besides, nowadays, I'm too old and fat that no one under 55 would want me.LOL.
Lots of luck to you. All my best wishes and(((Hugs))).
Robert0 -
Ohilly, I just saw your post
Ohilly, I just saw your post and I'm so sorry to hear that. What's that saying about it never rains but it pours?? My heart just dropped when I saw the title of your post.
This is quite a bump to get over on this journey but there is a stronger you on the other side and I know you're going to make it. I won't say I hope you stay together, but I will say I hope and pray that whatever is best for you and your children will take place. Sometimes that means being apart and sometimes not. This cancer journey has changed me a lot and I'm sure it has you too. Whatever happens, a big cyber hug coming at ya and know we are all holding your hand.
love
jan0 -
Ohilly, Please feel that you
Ohilly, Please feel that you are supported here as you go through this, whether it be with advice or just giving you a safe place to breathe. Write anything, anytime. And if you need to hear it, I did give a tiny little "Gee, what a creep!". But I think of my son who started experimenting with drugs after my DX and I know that it was hard for him and he sought to ease his feeling that life was upside down. He wasn't a creep, and really, neither is anyone who gets knocked off their feet by cancer. Know that we are here to help if we can, whether your husband gets back on his feet or you decide to stand on your own two. Much love, Joyce0 -
me too
my sweetie left me after 13 years together in the midst of my treatment...I think he just didn't know what to do how to handle such an ordeal...I wasn't the "wonderful" person he was used to and he took the easy way out...important to let go of that hurt though, as i found cancer is a disease that feeds on our tendencies to bottle things up...you don't have to forgive necessarily but don't allow the hurt to visit you every day...0 -
(((Hugs and tears)))
I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is apparently such a common problem that the teaching hospital I go to had the nurse and doctor approach the subject about two months into our checkups. It was on their "checklist" of things to do along with the breast exam. Other books mention it too. No doubt it has something to do with the stress of it all. I hope you can work it out.
C. Abbott0 -
thanks, RobertManWithaMission said:Cheating Husband
Dear Ohilly,
I hope that you and your husband can work this out. Being a husband that has cheated on two different wives(been married 4 times)you need to find out why he is looking?Is he just bored or is there a problem in the bedroom because of the Cancer? When my current wife was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer several years ago,we had problems being "romantic" for weeks or months at a time,and I thought REALLY hard about cheating on her!It would have been easy too. She was in the Hospital a week every month,for over a year,for Intravenous Chemotherpy. I thought,"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought about cheating ALL the time. I almost went through with it a couple of times,too. But I didn't. Because I would have known. I cheated on my other wives because I didn't care for them. I had no feelings,good or bad, about them when I cheated on them. I just did it because I WANTED TO and because I could. I was almost caught by one wife a couple of times,but I just told her a BIG story and convinced her that I would never cheat on her and said that if she "really" loved me she would belive me,too. And she did! The reason I have not cheated on my current wife is because when we got married 15 years ago,I looked her in the eye and vowed never to cheat on her no matter what. Yes,I do think about cheating on her sometimes,but I haven't and I won't. I WON'T LET ME! I am satisfied with what I have now. Besides, nowadays, I'm too old and fat that no one under 55 would want me.LOL.
Lots of luck to you. All my best wishes and(((Hugs))).
Robert
Robert, of all the supports and posts I received, I want to tell you that yours was the most helpful. I have an appointment to start counseling with my husband, and you are right: I need to find out why he did what he did. My hunch is that it is what you said: he did it because he COULD, and that it has little or nothing to do with me. But I will keep you posted! Thanks for your insights. Ohilly0 -
Robert, I feel so sorry for your poor wife. Actually all of themManWithaMission said:Cheating Husband
Dear Ohilly,
I hope that you and your husband can work this out. Being a husband that has cheated on two different wives(been married 4 times)you need to find out why he is looking?Is he just bored or is there a problem in the bedroom because of the Cancer? When my current wife was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer several years ago,we had problems being "romantic" for weeks or months at a time,and I thought REALLY hard about cheating on her!It would have been easy too. She was in the Hospital a week every month,for over a year,for Intravenous Chemotherpy. I thought,"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought about cheating ALL the time. I almost went through with it a couple of times,too. But I didn't. Because I would have known. I cheated on my other wives because I didn't care for them. I had no feelings,good or bad, about them when I cheated on them. I just did it because I WANTED TO and because I could. I was almost caught by one wife a couple of times,but I just told her a BIG story and convinced her that I would never cheat on her and said that if she "really" loved me she would belive me,too. And she did! The reason I have not cheated on my current wife is because when we got married 15 years ago,I looked her in the eye and vowed never to cheat on her no matter what. Yes,I do think about cheating on her sometimes,but I haven't and I won't. I WON'T LET ME! I am satisfied with what I have now. Besides, nowadays, I'm too old and fat that no one under 55 would want me.LOL.
Lots of luck to you. All my best wishes and(((Hugs))).
Robert
Robert, I was extremely dismayed upon reading your post. You took vows with ALL your wives and if you were no longer in love with them you should have divorced. By cheating you were dishonest, cowardly and unfaithful.
You blamed your cheating on your then wife's illness and bedroom issues. This literally sickens me.
Instead of being concerned about your loved one's suffering, all you were concerned about was your own selfish sexual needs. Again, I am shocked and sickened.
Lastly, you write that you definitely won't be cheating on your wife(even though you STILL think about it all the time) not because it is wrong and hurtful but because you are not good looking enough to get someone young. Sickening. Words cannot express how badly I feel for your poor wife that she is struggling through such a horrible disease and has a husband who cares so little about her. When she is in the hospital you are home thinking about having sex with someone else INSTEAD of being concerned about her and by her side.
Reading your post makes me so grateful to have my own kind, caring and patient, husband who loves me with or without sex.
I actually can't believe you had the nerve to even post your awful story. And I am shocked that the rest of the members here have not slammed your post.
I pray that your wife at least has other family and friends that GENUINELY care for her.0 -
I tend to agree with your reactionEil4186 said:Robert, I feel so sorry for your poor wife. Actually all of them
Robert, I was extremely dismayed upon reading your post. You took vows with ALL your wives and if you were no longer in love with them you should have divorced. By cheating you were dishonest, cowardly and unfaithful.
You blamed your cheating on your then wife's illness and bedroom issues. This literally sickens me.
Instead of being concerned about your loved one's suffering, all you were concerned about was your own selfish sexual needs. Again, I am shocked and sickened.
Lastly, you write that you definitely won't be cheating on your wife(even though you STILL think about it all the time) not because it is wrong and hurtful but because you are not good looking enough to get someone young. Sickening. Words cannot express how badly I feel for your poor wife that she is struggling through such a horrible disease and has a husband who cares so little about her. When she is in the hospital you are home thinking about having sex with someone else INSTEAD of being concerned about her and by her side.
Reading your post makes me so grateful to have my own kind, caring and patient, husband who loves me with or without sex.
I actually can't believe you had the nerve to even post your awful story. And I am shocked that the rest of the members here have not slammed your post.
I pray that your wife at least has other family and friends that GENUINELY care for her.
but this thread is about Ohilly, so I have no further comment on Robert's post.0 -
Trying to Withhold Judgement
Eil --
I had a similar reaction to you. But then when I saw that his post helped Ohilly, I thought that, while I don't agree with the thinking or actions, maybe I should withhold my judgement. I don't always agree with all posters, but I think we should feel safe here in posting our true feelings even if they are a bit ugly -- just as long as we do it in the vein of healing ourselves and others, and express them in a respectful way to each other.
On the flip side of that, you have every right to be honest yourself and voice disagreement with Robert's post. I certainly don't condone the behavior or reasoning, but I respect his right to be honest and I believe that his intentions were to help Ohilly.
Hugs to you, Eileen.
Kim
BTW, my daughter loves your picture. She said that your kitty is very pretty and she wants to hold him
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Am sorry if my post upset Ohillykbc4869 said:Trying to Withhold Judgement
Eil --
I had a similar reaction to you. But then when I saw that his post helped Ohilly, I thought that, while I don't agree with the thinking or actions, maybe I should withhold my judgement. I don't always agree with all posters, but I think we should feel safe here in posting our true feelings even if they are a bit ugly -- just as long as we do it in the vein of healing ourselves and others, and express them in a respectful way to each other.
On the flip side of that, you have every right to be honest yourself and voice disagreement with Robert's post. I certainly don't condone the behavior or reasoning, but I respect his right to be honest and I believe that his intentions were to help Ohilly.
Hugs to you, Eileen.
Kim
BTW, my daughter loves your picture. She said that your kitty is very pretty and she wants to hold him
Kim, thank you so much for being understanding about my reaction to Robert's post. I care very much about what Ohilly is going through and wrote that in my reply to her original post. My heart breaks over the fact that she must endure this pain in the wake of her struggle with cancer treatment.
Perhaps I should have used more self control upon reading Robert's post and kept my feelings to myself but I just felt so upset and angry. I kept imagining how hurtful that would be and that to do that to someone while they are going through cancer treatment just seems unimaginable.
To Ohilly: I am sorry Ohilly, if I upset you in any way with my reaction to Robert's post. I have been thinking about you and praying that things with you and your husband work out for the best.
Your situation and Robert's behavior are in no way the same and I never meant to give that impression. I am sorry Ohilly if it came across that way. Take care, Eileen0 -
No WorriesEil4186 said:Am sorry if my post upset Ohilly
Kim, thank you so much for being understanding about my reaction to Robert's post. I care very much about what Ohilly is going through and wrote that in my reply to her original post. My heart breaks over the fact that she must endure this pain in the wake of her struggle with cancer treatment.
Perhaps I should have used more self control upon reading Robert's post and kept my feelings to myself but I just felt so upset and angry. I kept imagining how hurtful that would be and that to do that to someone while they are going through cancer treatment just seems unimaginable.
To Ohilly: I am sorry Ohilly, if I upset you in any way with my reaction to Robert's post. I have been thinking about you and praying that things with you and your husband work out for the best.
Your situation and Robert's behavior are in no way the same and I never meant to give that impression. I am sorry Ohilly if it came across that way. Take care, Eileen
Eileen -- no worries!
Love you,
Kim0
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