husband cheating while sick

My beau and I never married....
We have had our moments, over 17 years. But the strain during the cancer was our biggest challenge. I left him twice. God only knows whether he was true during those times, it doesn't matter. What's done is done. We talked about it alot, and he expressed his frustration and I expressed mine. We REALLY listened to each other. We are together again, wiser, and I have a better way to express myself when I get irritated...I just say "I'm almost packing my car" (but I don't do it...lol). He knows I'm serious, and sits down and we talk. If he stopped doing that, I would pack my car, for the last time...I don't allow emotional abuse any more than physical abuse.

Cancer plays havoc with ALL of our relationships. I lost friends, and a few family. They just couldn't handle seeing me and being reminded that all life is fragile, and has an end, even THEIRS!!!

Considering your investment, and his willingness to talk to a consellor, I think (my own opinion) you need to give it an honest try...still may have the same outcome...but ask yourself: You know all about this person and he you, you have shared a major portion of your life with him and he you, do you want to find romance again with him, or with someone new?

Hugs, Kathi

ohilly said:

thanks for your support
Once again, I don't know what I would do without this message board! You are all dear friends, although we have never met in person.

I know my husband loves me and I love him, although I can't understand why he did what he did. I wish I could say it was a reaction to my cancer, but I believe he was going online and answering personal ads, etc. before I was diagnosed. I will give him another chance because we have two kids and he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't know what the future holds and I am very scared. I will keep you posted. Ohilly

Sending Hugs
Ohilly,

I am sorry this has come your way, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

(((HUGS)))

RE

ohilly said:

thanks for your support
Once again, I don't know what I would do without this message board! You are all dear friends, although we have never met in person.

I know my husband loves me and I love him, although I can't understand why he did what he did. I wish I could say it was a reaction to my cancer, but I believe he was going online and answering personal ads, etc. before I was diagnosed. I will give him another chance because we have two kids and he is willing to go to counseling, but I don't know what the future holds and I am very scared. I will keep you posted. Ohilly

Stay loyal to yourself....
In the final analysis, you are the only one in your corner, come what may....

During your discussions, with the counsellor, be calm and honest. Don't hold things back. Don't be mean, but lay it on the line. Otherwise, you will go away feeling cheated.

After years of being together, even without the strain of a life threatening illness, people can drift. Again, I'm not excusing it, he should have said something, but it happens. I was watching a TV show that interviewed people married for 40 years or more. A few had 'wandering' problems. They worked them thru, and then made a conscious effort to "Let the past be past", not using these things in the future during a disagreement (basically, deactivating the buttons). Unless, of course, it should happen again.

Hugs, Kathi

Cheating Husband
Dear Ohilly,

I hope that you and your husband can work this out. Being a husband that has cheated on two different wives(been married 4 times)you need to find out why he is looking?Is he just bored or is there a problem in the bedroom because of the Cancer? When my current wife was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer several years ago,we had problems being "romantic" for weeks or months at a time,and I thought REALLY hard about cheating on her!It would have been easy too. She was in the Hospital a week every month,for over a year,for Intravenous Chemotherpy. I thought,"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought about cheating ALL the time. I almost went through with it a couple of times,too. But I didn't. Because I would have known. I cheated on my other wives because I didn't care for them. I had no feelings,good or bad, about them when I cheated on them. I just did it because I WANTED TO and because I could. I was almost caught by one wife a couple of times,but I just told her a BIG story and convinced her that I would never cheat on her and said that if she "really" loved me she would belive me,too. And she did! The reason I have not cheated on my current wife is because when we got married 15 years ago,I looked her in the eye and vowed never to cheat on her no matter what. Yes,I do think about cheating on her sometimes,but I haven't and I won't. I WON'T LET ME! I am satisfied with what I have now. Besides, nowadays, I'm too old and fat that no one under 55 would want me.LOL.

Lots of luck to you. All my best wishes and(((Hugs))).
Robert

Ohilly, Please feel that you
Ohilly, Please feel that you are supported here as you go through this, whether it be with advice or just giving you a safe place to breathe. Write anything, anytime. And if you need to hear it, I did give a tiny little "Gee, what a creep!". But I think of my son who started experimenting with drugs after my DX and I know that it was hard for him and he sought to ease his feeling that life was upside down. He wasn't a creep, and really, neither is anyone who gets knocked off their feet by cancer. Know that we are here to help if we can, whether your husband gets back on his feet or you decide to stand on your own two. Much love, Joyce

(((Hugs and tears)))
I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is apparently such a common problem that the teaching hospital I go to had the nurse and doctor approach the subject about two months into our checkups. It was on their "checklist" of things to do along with the breast exam. Other books mention it too. No doubt it has something to do with the stress of it all. I hope you can work it out.

C. Abbott

ManWithaMission said:

Cheating Husband
Dear Ohilly,

I hope that you and your husband can work this out. Being a husband that has cheated on two different wives(been married 4 times)you need to find out why he is looking?Is he just bored or is there a problem in the bedroom because of the Cancer? When my current wife was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer several years ago,we had problems being "romantic" for weeks or months at a time,and I thought REALLY hard about cheating on her!It would have been easy too. She was in the Hospital a week every month,for over a year,for Intravenous Chemotherpy. I thought,"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I thought about cheating ALL the time. I almost went through with it a couple of times,too. But I didn't. Because I would have known. I cheated on my other wives because I didn't care for them. I had no feelings,good or bad, about them when I cheated on them. I just did it because I WANTED TO and because I could. I was almost caught by one wife a couple of times,but I just told her a BIG story and convinced her that I would never cheat on her and said that if she "really" loved me she would belive me,too. And she did! The reason I have not cheated on my current wife is because when we got married 15 years ago,I looked her in the eye and vowed never to cheat on her no matter what. Yes,I do think about cheating on her sometimes,but I haven't and I won't. I WON'T LET ME! I am satisfied with what I have now. Besides, nowadays, I'm too old and fat that no one under 55 would want me.LOL.

Lots of luck to you. All my best wishes and(((Hugs))).
Robert

Robert, I feel so sorry for your poor wife. Actually all of them
Robert, I was extremely dismayed upon reading your post. You took vows with ALL your wives and if you were no longer in love with them you should have divorced. By cheating you were dishonest, cowardly and unfaithful.

You blamed your cheating on your then wife's illness and bedroom issues. This literally sickens me.

Instead of being concerned about your loved one's suffering, all you were concerned about was your own selfish sexual needs. Again, I am shocked and sickened.

Lastly, you write that you definitely won't be cheating on your wife(even though you STILL think about it all the time) not because it is wrong and hurtful but because you are not good looking enough to get someone young. Sickening. Words cannot express how badly I feel for your poor wife that she is struggling through such a horrible disease and has a husband who cares so little about her. When she is in the hospital you are home thinking about having sex with someone else INSTEAD of being concerned about her and by her side.

Reading your post makes me so grateful to have my own kind, caring and patient, husband who loves me with or without sex.

I actually can't believe you had the nerve to even post your awful story. And I am shocked that the rest of the members here have not slammed your post.

I pray that your wife at least has other family and friends that GENUINELY care for her.

Trying to Withhold Judgement
Eil --

I had a similar reaction to you. But then when I saw that his post helped Ohilly, I thought that, while I don't agree with the thinking or actions, maybe I should withhold my judgement. I don't always agree with all posters, but I think we should feel safe here in posting our true feelings even if they are a bit ugly -- just as long as we do it in the vein of healing ourselves and others, and express them in a respectful way to each other.

On the flip side of that, you have every right to be honest yourself and voice disagreement with Robert's post. I certainly don't condone the behavior or reasoning, but I respect his right to be honest and I believe that his intentions were to help Ohilly.

Hugs to you, Eileen.

Kim

BTW, my daughter loves your picture. She said that your kitty is very pretty and she wants to hold him

Eil4186 said:

Am sorry if my post upset Ohilly
Kim, thank you so much for being understanding about my reaction to Robert's post. I care very much about what Ohilly is going through and wrote that in my reply to her original post. My heart breaks over the fact that she must endure this pain in the wake of her struggle with cancer treatment.

Perhaps I should have used more self control upon reading Robert's post and kept my feelings to myself but I just felt so upset and angry. I kept imagining how hurtful that would be and that to do that to someone while they are going through cancer treatment just seems unimaginable.

To Ohilly: I am sorry Ohilly, if I upset you in any way with my reaction to Robert's post. I have been thinking about you and praying that things with you and your husband work out for the best.

Your situation and Robert's behavior are in no way the same and I never meant to give that impression. I am sorry Ohilly if it came across that way. Take care, Eileen

No Worries
Eileen -- no worries!

Love you,
Kim