Something Nice

Hi Ladies,

I wanted to share something with you all that has happened recently with my hair. I think you're the only ones that would truely understand -- with the exception of my mom.

I shaved my head in Nov of 2003. Pre-cancer I had long straight, very blonde hair. From the time I can remember, I was always complimented on my naturally blonde hair. As a child, I was called "Heidi" and "A little Dutch Girl." And when I got older, I was always referred to as "That Blonde." I think I came identify my hair as a big part of who I was.

When my hair started growing back, I was disappointed that it came back dishwater blonde. It was like I was no longer me or special. I didn't talk about my disappointment with the people around me because I thought it sounded shallow -- like I should just be happy that I was well and alive. But it really hurt me and made me very sad. Sadder than I ever admitted even to myself.

I waited a couple of years before I colored my hair in the hopes that it might come back. 2005 came around and I gave up and finally colered it. Again, diappointed that I was spending so much money on something that was less nice than I used to have for free. Last Oct 2007, disgusted with the cost and the fakeness of it, I decided to stop and just let me be what I was going to be. I decided to let go of the hope of every being "that blonde" again and embrace the person that I am now.

About a month ago, people at work started telling me that I looked different. Had I done something new with my hair? I'd blow it off and say, "No, I've stopped doing anything with my hair. What your seeing is my natural color finally." Then I did start to notice that it was getting lighter and lighter. I know it sounds crazy and silly, but I thought that maybe I was not seeing myself objectively. That maybe I wanted to see blonde hair and my eyes and mind were playing tricks with me.

I went over to my mom's a couple of nights ago and she looked at me strangely and asked me when was the last time I'd had my hair colored? I told her about a year ago. She smiled and said, "Honey, your hair is back."

She's right. It came back. It took five years. It feels like I got a piece of that girl I used to be back. It's not the kind of happiness that makes you run around and want to tell everyone about because they woudn't understand that it's not just about hair -- it's about seeing someone that I haven't seen in a very long time. Somebody that I really missed.

Just wanted to share with you, my kindred spirit sisters. Don't lose hope. Maybe we'll all going to be given pieces of ourselves back eventually. And maybe it happens when we stop trying so hard to re-become who we thought we were before.

Hugs,

Kim