Something Nice

kbc4869

Hi Ladies,

I wanted to share something with you all that has happened recently with my hair. I think you're the only ones that would truely understand -- with the exception of my mom.

I shaved my head in Nov of 2003. Pre-cancer I had long straight, very blonde hair. From the time I can remember, I was always complimented on my naturally blonde hair. As a child, I was called "Heidi" and "A little Dutch Girl." And when I got older, I was always referred to as "That Blonde." I think I came identify my hair as a big part of who I was.

When my hair started growing back, I was disappointed that it came back dishwater blonde. It was like I was no longer me or special. I didn't talk about my disappointment with the people around me because I thought it sounded shallow -- like I should just be happy that I was well and alive. But it really hurt me and made me very sad. Sadder than I ever admitted even to myself.

I waited a couple of years before I colored my hair in the hopes that it might come back. 2005 came around and I gave up and finally colered it. Again, diappointed that I was spending so much money on something that was less nice than I used to have for free. Last Oct 2007, disgusted with the cost and the fakeness of it, I decided to stop and just let me be what I was going to be. I decided to let go of the hope of every being "that blonde" again and embrace the person that I am now.

About a month ago, people at work started telling me that I looked different. Had I done something new with my hair? I'd blow it off and say, "No, I've stopped doing anything with my hair. What your seeing is my natural color finally." Then I did start to notice that it was getting lighter and lighter. I know it sounds crazy and silly, but I thought that maybe I was not seeing myself objectively. That maybe I wanted to see blonde hair and my eyes and mind were playing tricks with me.

I went over to my mom's a couple of nights ago and she looked at me strangely and asked me when was the last time I'd had my hair colored? I told her about a year ago. She smiled and said, "Honey, your hair is back."

She's right. It came back. It took five years. It feels like I got a piece of that girl I used to be back. It's not the kind of happiness that makes you run around and want to tell everyone about because they woudn't understand that it's not just about hair -- it's about seeing someone that I haven't seen in a very long time. Somebody that I really missed.

Just wanted to share with you, my kindred spirit sisters. Don't lose hope. Maybe we'll all going to be given pieces of ourselves back eventually. And maybe it happens when we stop trying so hard to re-become who we thought we were before.

Hugs,

Kim

Marcia527

Congratulations! It's more
Congratulations! It's more about getting 'you' back than the hair. I was diagnosed in Aug. 2003.

Joycelouise

Congratulations! Sure I
Congratulations! Sure I understand. I would also like to say, ME TOO, but I think I am a few more years away from that. I also have a hair story without a happy ending so I am going to use your ending as a goal.
I think I am a pretty young 50. I used to joke, I will not be old till I get one of those hair dos that the old women wore when I was young, shortish, curled, and sticking out bouffant or curlers under the dryer look. I swore I would never wear my hair like that. Then I lost my hair (which was blond and straight) and you guessed it. When my hair grew in it was curly, shortish, and sticking out with that old lady look I swore I would never do. Dang. I though it was going to be a voluntary thing to look like that but fate has conspired against me. Everyone says how cute my hair looks and tells me they like it better now. But not me.
Sometimes our look is not about vanity at all, but about rivers of definition that run pretty deep. I know you will all understand (yeah, yeah, I am glad to be alive..). Kim, meet me in another four years. We will casually toss our blond hair over our shoulders in the same way that we have tossed cancer over our shoulders.
Thanks for a good story, Kim. You are a beauty. love, Joyce

RE

That Blonde
Ah Kim how marvelous, I totally understand and I am so happy for you! We are so transformed by this illness that to recapture a bit of our old selves is truly a treasure!

Many Hugs,

RE

KathiM

I always wanted to be a blonde...sigh...
I was a blonde when I was born. Strawberry blonde, to be exact. By 4th grade, it was light brown, and, well, the rest is history....

My best friend was blonde. I was sooooo envious. It wasn't till much later that I learned that her mom bleached her hair monthly...lol...always wondered why her leg hair was soooo much darker!!!

One of my favorite sayings is "A tincture of time". Taken with all of the other treatments, things have a way of returning to solid ground.

Hugs, Kathi

kbc4869

Joycelouise said:

Congratulations! Sure I
Congratulations! Sure I understand. I would also like to say, ME TOO, but I think I am a few more years away from that. I also have a hair story without a happy ending so I am going to use your ending as a goal.
I think I am a pretty young 50. I used to joke, I will not be old till I get one of those hair dos that the old women wore when I was young, shortish, curled, and sticking out bouffant or curlers under the dryer look. I swore I would never wear my hair like that. Then I lost my hair (which was blond and straight) and you guessed it. When my hair grew in it was curly, shortish, and sticking out with that old lady look I swore I would never do. Dang. I though it was going to be a voluntary thing to look like that but fate has conspired against me. Everyone says how cute my hair looks and tells me they like it better now. But not me.
Sometimes our look is not about vanity at all, but about rivers of definition that run pretty deep. I know you will all understand (yeah, yeah, I am glad to be alive..). Kim, meet me in another four years. We will casually toss our blond hair over our shoulders in the same way that we have tossed cancer over our shoulders.
Thanks for a good story, Kim. You are a beauty. love, Joyce

Where's the fast forward button when you need it!
Joysis,

I wish I could press the fast forward button for you and speed you to your future. Sigh. Time is the thing in all this. And the clear mammos each year help, too. You will get there, but this journey sure isn't for sissies!

I read a quote the other day. Something along the lines of: "Just when she thought she couldn't take it another day, the catepillar became a butterfly."

You will be the most beautiful butterfly of us all. You're just too good and wonderful not to be.

Love,
Kim

chenheart

Let's Hear It For HAIR!!!!
Well, thankfully for me, I always wanted to look EXACTLY like a Chia-Pet~ with unruly hair, an undefined color, and oh yeah, bangs stuck unceremoniously to my forehead with each progressively worse hot-flash! I got exactly what I hoped for~ you can just imagine how thrilled I was! The looks I got from people in the supermarkets, restaurants, or sporting events were positively enthralling! I know, jealousy is sometimes a difficult thing to control, so I gently put up with the stares I got from friends and strangers alike. I could see from the look in their eyes that they were wishing they could be me. Sigh....

Alas, that was 5 years ago, and I realized I had to live amongst the general populous . It was getting so difficult putting up with the covetous attitude of so many ppl that I let my hair grow, ( including the bangs which no longer stick to my face). My hair is now shoulder-length, silky and auburn. I feel SOOO ordinary! My boyfriend has been so encouraging, and commends me for putting the feelings of others first instead of being so self-absorbed with my looks. He reminded me that at least I am 50' tall, and I should be happy with that. I am working on being humble, but I admit it is not always easy.

So Kim~ good for you! This hair business is truly part and parcel of who we are. It is so wrapped up in our personal identity, and yes, we often feel conflicted when our hair is causing us such distress. As if it shows something shallow about us to be concerned about us. Which it doesn't; it makes us WOMEN. And, at the end of the day, it hides the fact that we were ever battling the beast. And that is just fine with me!

Yes, Yes, Yes~ it's the HAIR which makes us feel normal again!

Hugs,
Claudia

Joycelouise

kbc4869 said:

Where's the fast forward button when you need it!
Joysis,

I wish I could press the fast forward button for you and speed you to your future. Sigh. Time is the thing in all this. And the clear mammos each year help, too. You will get there, but this journey sure isn't for sissies!

I read a quote the other day. Something along the lines of: "Just when she thought she couldn't take it another day, the catepillar became a butterfly."

You will be the most beautiful butterfly of us all. You're just too good and wonderful not to be.

Love,
Kim

Kimsis, I actually cried
Kimsis, I actually cried when I read your response. The good crying. The one where you feel loved and understood and therefore feel safe enough to draw close to the truth. A little dramatic of me..no way. We are talking hair and sisters here and it just doesn't get any more important than that.
And, that picture of you is incredible. I think I see a HAPPY, GOLDEN, girl. Whoops, make that two. love, Joyce
P.S. How was the driving for Road to Recovery?

Joycelouise

chenheart said:

Let's Hear It For HAIR!!!!
Well, thankfully for me, I always wanted to look EXACTLY like a Chia-Pet~ with unruly hair, an undefined color, and oh yeah, bangs stuck unceremoniously to my forehead with each progressively worse hot-flash! I got exactly what I hoped for~ you can just imagine how thrilled I was! The looks I got from people in the supermarkets, restaurants, or sporting events were positively enthralling! I know, jealousy is sometimes a difficult thing to control, so I gently put up with the stares I got from friends and strangers alike. I could see from the look in their eyes that they were wishing they could be me. Sigh....

Alas, that was 5 years ago, and I realized I had to live amongst the general populous . It was getting so difficult putting up with the covetous attitude of so many ppl that I let my hair grow, ( including the bangs which no longer stick to my face). My hair is now shoulder-length, silky and auburn. I feel SOOO ordinary! My boyfriend has been so encouraging, and commends me for putting the feelings of others first instead of being so self-absorbed with my looks. He reminded me that at least I am 50' tall, and I should be happy with that. I am working on being humble, but I admit it is not always easy.

So Kim~ good for you! This hair business is truly part and parcel of who we are. It is so wrapped up in our personal identity, and yes, we often feel conflicted when our hair is causing us such distress. As if it shows something shallow about us to be concerned about us. Which it doesn't; it makes us WOMEN. And, at the end of the day, it hides the fact that we were ever battling the beast. And that is just fine with me!

Yes, Yes, Yes~ it's the HAIR which makes us feel normal again!

Hugs,
Claudia

Okay, so I have dried my
Okay, so I have dried my tears from reading Kim's beautiful words and now they are back again...tears of laughter. Claudia YOU CRACK ME UP! And it is the good kind too. Where you want to take absolute strangers aside and explain the whole thing and why it is funny just to laugh again. (Hey, Sigi, come read this response!)
Thanks for the tears, love Joyce