Living with cancer

feel the same way
Hi, Erin: I feel the same way you do. I'm not 25 (I'm 53), but I am BRCA positive (I have the breast cancer gene, which puts me at higher risk). I have literally done everything humanly possible to help myself: I had a stage I cancer with a small tumor which did not spread to the lymph nodes, but I still chose to have a mastectomy and chemo. I am in a clinical trial where they give you the drug Zometa which is supposed to make the bones hostile to cancer and make it less likely the cancer could spread in early stage bc patients. And finally, I had a preventive mastectomy on the 'healthy' breast because I was worried about getting cancer in my other breast. All that, but I still get dark thoughts about the cancer coming back, spreading to my distant organs, and killing me.

How do I deal with it? I try and remind myself of everything I have done to help myself. I also try and tell myself that even healthy people who have never had cancer have a risk of getting it, getting killed by a car, etc. I am thinking of joining a bc support group or taking some yoga classes which I'm hopeful will help me, too. I know many people who have worse cancer than me, and they are still alive and well years later, so I try and focus on them. My cousin (who also has the bc gene) got stage III bc when she was thirty five - she is now in her late fifties and is alive and well (she did have one recurrence, but it was taken care of years ago and now she is fine).

I feel like my life is divided into before and after bc. Before bc, I never or at least rarely thought about death. After bc, I think of it often although I try to block the thoughts out. I guess the reality is that life is uncertain and that we are all going to die someday. I try to hang on to my belief that there is a God and this is not the only life.

I don't know if my rambling helped you or made you more anxious, but these are my thoughts for whatever they're worth. Feel free to email me again if you feel anxious. Best of luck, Ohilly

Can relate to your feelings
Hi Erin, First of all, congratulations on finishing your treatments. You are so young to have to go through this ordeal. How did you discover you had breast cancer?

I had my diagnosis over 2 years ago at the age of 42. I had a small stage 1 tumor. I had a lumpectomy, sentinal node biopsy, 6 mos of chemo. and radiation. I am now taking tamoxifen and a clinical trial drug called clodronate.

Like Ohilly shared, I too never ever thought of death or dying before my cancer. But just as you said, I always have the fear of recurrence in the back of my mind. Even though my prognosis is good, I can't shake the fear. I guess its because cancer is so awful, that even 10-15% chance of having to deal with it again is too much.

Your feelings are natural. You have been through the wringer both physically and emotionally. I feel that it does get a little easier with time. When I start feeling bad, I remember the other poor souls who did not win their fights with cancer and I feel guilty. Today is my birthday and I am grateful to be here. Just over 2 years ago I was afraid that I would be dead by now. I truley am lucky.

Breast cancer especially is one of the cancers that has a high cure rate. You are young and strong and you will be ok. I don't know if the fear ever goes way completely but you can find ways to cope. One of the ways I cope is by reminding myself that life is short and I was given a second chance and I need to try and enjoy every minute I can.

I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I appreciate life and all the "little joys" much more than I did before my diagnosis. Hang in there, you will eventually feel less fearful. As Ohilly said, you have done everything possible to beat your cancer, so when you feel afraid remind yourself of that and keep yourself healthy. You will see, it will get better. Keep visiting this site, it has been a God send for me. Also I attend a support group every three weeks and that has been very good for me. Take care, Eileen

The Answer is Yes
Hi Erin,

It does get easier. It has been five years since I was diagnosed at 34. I went through the same agressive treatment as you. With each year and each clean mamogram, it gets easier to believe that I'm going to live. DX and TX seem like a bad dream now. Time is the only true healer.

Please know that what you are feeling now is not forever. It is just one chapter of a longer book. Hair will grow; your heart will mend; and new, rich friendships will form, stick and stay with you forever.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It's not fair. But you have so much to look forward to. The journey is not easy -- there will be fear, doubt and tears, but there are also so many Possibilities. While there is chance of recoccurance, there is also chance of complete recovery and going on to live a long life. It's 50/50. Place your bets on the possibilities.

When someone told me this five years ago, I thought they were crazy. But here I am.

Much love. Please keep writing us and let us know how you are.

Kim

It takes time
Erin, it takes time to get past the constant fear and worry. It won't happen fast. I did have only a DCIS diagnosis and quite easy time with treatment, but it still took me a year and a half to two years to get over the "cancerhead" (fear, worry, anxiousness, waiting for the other shoe to drop). What helped me a lot was something Eileen said, "I also try and tell myself that even healthy people who have never had cancer have a risk of getting it...." Anyone can get it. Go easy on yourself and give it time.

Mary