venting time

dbs1673
dbs1673 Member Posts: 203
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Well, this is my first time writing but the thoughts in my head could fill a book. I had my double mastectomy in June with expanders at the time of surgery. Initially it did not seem as if any other treatment would be necessary but the final pathology ruled otherwise. I got through the drainage tubes, the weekly fills, one incisioin that just didn't want to heal, a nasty blister caused by a reaction to the tape and I'm almost halfway through radiation. chemo is not needed. I have been surrounded by an amazing supportive family/friends and medical team. I have met a wonderful couple at the radiation "breakfast club" and I see him getting better as well. I could go on and on about how truly blessed and grateful I am for the overwhelming amount of positives in this journey. AND YET THIS SUCKS!!! What my head seems to know has been going further and further away from my heart. I feel the depression and funk since the radiation started. My head knows how closer I come to killing this thing yet my heart feels like it's inescapable. I start every day with knowing I have treatment that I do before I go into work. It like the alarm clock goes off and shouts cancer every morning. While all the people I see at the hospital are great, what we really have in common is cancer. Cancer seems to be the tie that binds me to everything. My fatigue is definitely increasing but I know it's just that I'm tired of cancer. I try to look forward to the radiation being over but then there is still the surgery for needing the implants. Why....it's that cancer thing again. Because "you look fine" and the "surgery is behind you" people assume you are as good as you look. I've been exercising and getting to my yoga class. Both let me find a space, even for a short time, that seem cancer free. There is way too much distance between my head and my heart. I guess that's part of the journey...it will come full circle, right Ladies?? thanks for listening

Comments

  • tan39
    tan39 Member Posts: 49
    #2
    good for you
    just want to say, "good for you", this is why we need this chat room, to air our rage, worries, concerns, about this horrible desease, and the best thing is, everyone here knows exactly what you are talking about - they dont just nod and try to look concerned, they are completely in tune with you. it does seem as much as you try not to think about it, it pops up in your mind and it does drive you mad, i'm completely fed up with thinking about it now all i can hope is time will do the healing. Most survivors say time will eventually make it fade away, here's hoping !! take it easy and get back here if ever you need another vent. tan x
  • Joycelouise
    Joycelouise Member Posts: 482
    #3
    Yes, cancer can fill our
    Yes, cancer can fill our thoughts. That is why we have to be good spin doctors! For instance, it may seem that cancer is what you have in common with your new friends. I think there is a better way to think of it that might help. When I go to chemo (every three weeks for herceptin) I have a bad habit of being chatty. I look around the room for someone with lively eyes or a sympathetic smile. That is who I talk to. With some nurses I have grown close. With others not so much. Everyone in the room has cancer in common. I make friends with people who have kindness, compassion, and positive energy in common. Those are the things that unite us. Also friends that have honesty in common and can really vent when needed! Cancer is only the background, the stage set. The stars are all wonderful qualities of life that we are relying on to see us through difficult times. Qualities that were there before DX and will be there after TX.
    By the way, I thought your words "too much distance between my head and my heart" were beautiful and very true. I do think it will get better for you, me, and us. love, Joyce
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #4
    It was 40 years ago today, Sgt Pepper etc
    Sweet Sister~

    Forty years ago OMG!!!! my brilliant, compassionate Dad said about the look/anger/love of the Hippies: "They practice Uniformed Non-Conformity"....they felt different from the mainstream, they thought they looked sooo very different, and yet....in reality, they were a group of disenfranchised people trying to find peace, love and harmony. Reading your much deserved vent for some reason brought that back to me! We so want that, don't we???
    ALL of us, bar none, feel what you feel in varying degrees~ it simply depends on where we are in time; just diagnosed, awaiting surgery, in the midst of chemotherapy~ fill in the blank. As upbeat as we are, as positive as we are in front of family, friends, and co-workers~.bottom line is WE ARE AFRAID WE MIGHT DIE OF CANCER!!!! We don't admit that to the above mentioned family, friends, co workers...but there it is. Thus, the anger, frustration, depression, tears, etc etc etc.

    Which makes this site soooo amazing!!! We actually get it, and feel the same way! Not every day, but yes...we have been there, and we will be there again! It doesn't mean at all that we will die from this Beast...it just means we never wanted to be in this battle to begin with!

    Happily for you, you are not alone in your feelings anymore! We vent,laugh, cry, triumph, act silly, get scared, whatever emotion it is~ and we know that EVERYONE in here knows just what we are going through. It is a relief and a comfort.

    That having been said, welcome aboard!

    We love you, and truly "feel your pain"!!!!

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • jannyfran
    jannyfran Member Posts: 33
    #5
    feeling just like you do
    today i started radiation, when i got home i was telling my husband that everything has come back to me just like the day i was dx. depression when i found out, life went on, two lumpectomies, depression set in. was totally okay with things and not really thinking about this horrible disease, then bam, after coming out of radiation today, it was like a light bulb went on....I REALLY DO HAVE CANCER!!!!!!!! cried all the way home. it is so sad how so many people say how good you look, you'll be fine, don't worry about anything, when they have no clue what you're going through.

    all i can say is we are all in this together and i pray for all of us all the time.

    hugs and trying to stay positive,

    janny
  • mgm42
    mgm42 Member Posts: 491 Member
    #6
    Meandering thoughts....
    I am always amazed at how much we all have in common - not just the cancer dx, but the emotions, the thoughts, the feelings, the depression, the fears. What's more, we're not afraid to express them here. I wonder if our doctors and nurses have ever read our postings? If they haven't, perhaps they should. They might develop a deeper insight into what makes us tick - before, during and after treatment/s. Maybe they could assist us more in the "what to expect" department. Then again, maybe that's not their place. Maybe that belongs to all of us on this site -- to help one another. I love this sight. Just my mind meandering. Hugs, Marilynn
  • dbs1673
    dbs1673 Member Posts: 203
    #7
    Ladies, you are amazing. I
    Ladies, you are amazing. I felt better just getting to type out my thoughts but having such "i get it" responses only leaves me to say today "thank you"!!
  • ladydi1
    ladydi1 Member Posts: 120
    #8
    dbs1673 said:

    Ladies, you are amazing. I
    Ladies, you are amazing. I felt better just getting to type out my thoughts but having such "i get it" responses only leaves me to say today "thank you"!!

    You are not your cancer
    I think Joyce is right. We are all staring in our own life stories. I still struggle with all the buzz words---am I a "survivor" in "remission" ?? There are alot of days when I think this cancer thing has just about swallowed me up, but then something or someone makes me laugh or smile and I begin to realize that there is part of "just me" left and I run with it.
    The biggest thing that gets me through my moment, day or week with cancer is the love, support, laughter and tears that are shared here. We can rant and rave and no one thinks we are horrible people who are wallowing in self pity--NO we are wommen who had the misfortune of having cancer who will survive by doing whatever it takes to get past this moment of fear/anger/frustration so we can get on with the lives we so want to live.
    Hugs,
    ladydi1
  • mmontero38
    mmontero38 Member Posts: 1,510
    #9
    ladydi1 said:

    You are not your cancer
    I think Joyce is right. We are all staring in our own life stories. I still struggle with all the buzz words---am I a "survivor" in "remission" ?? There are alot of days when I think this cancer thing has just about swallowed me up, but then something or someone makes me laugh or smile and I begin to realize that there is part of "just me" left and I run with it.
    The biggest thing that gets me through my moment, day or week with cancer is the love, support, laughter and tears that are shared here. We can rant and rave and no one thinks we are horrible people who are wallowing in self pity--NO we are wommen who had the misfortune of having cancer who will survive by doing whatever it takes to get past this moment of fear/anger/frustration so we can get on with the lives we so want to live.
    Hugs,
    ladydi1

    You are so right
    Hi all:

    Ladydi was so right in saying that we are women who had the misfortune of having cancer but who will survive. We just need to get through this moment. It's so great to have this site to come to. As we all know exactly what we are feeling. Thanks all, Hugs, Lili
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #10
    I can so relate
    I know what you mean. I too am grateful for many things in my cancer journey; early stage, clear margins and nodes, and an overall good prognosis. But as you said---it still sucks! Cancer seems to keep entering my mind and the memory of surgery and treatments and the fear of recurrance(no matter how small the chance)stays with me day after day. Frequent doctors appointments and medication also help to keep the thoughts of cancer fresh in my mind.

    I wish you luck with your upcoming surgery and I hope the fatigue will subside. Please know that you are not alone in your feelings. I have a feeling that as time passes these feelings and fears will pass or at least subside for us. Take care, Eileen

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