Not sure I can find real peace in chemo....

Patrusha
Patrusha Member Posts: 487
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I know it is often said that being at peace with our treatment plan is key to success.

Well, I start chemo tomorrow and even though I am committed to going through the process as my best alternative, I am not at peace about it in many ways. For instance, my mindset is thus: I go in at 8 to draw blood so they can see if my cell counts are healthy enough to go ahead with poisoning me! LOL!!!

Am I working against myself here? I really am adjusted to doing this, I just don't think I'll ever be able to feel "peaceful."
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Comments

  • pepperdog
    pepperdog Member Posts: 96
    #2
    Pattrusha, I completely empathize with your feelings. Though I'm only a caretaker, I feel exactly the same about the chemo treatments my husband is receiving. I think we got good advice and we're doing the right things with his treatment protocol, but every time I go with him to the chemo lab, I want to throw up. I just can't stand seeing him look so brave with all those tubes and needles poking into him. It's a necessary poison, and we all have to pray that it does its job. Wishing you the best with your first treatment tomorrow. I'm sure it'll go well.
    Pepperdog
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #3
    Facing slow 'poisoning' is NEVER peaceful! I got 5 2nd opinions for my breast cancer that followed the rectal cancer...not 2nd opinions for the diagnosis, for the treatment that INCLUDED chemo AGAIN, 6 months after my 'cocktails' for the CRC....sigh....
    PEACEFUL? NOT ME!!!! I was MAD as HELL!
    -I thought I had escaped a bald head when I emerged from the crc chemo with thin hair, but still hair....
    -I had just, finally, gotten some form of bowel control after my resection...and small bowel obstruction surgery
    -I KNEW that I was NOT going to be a good wig candidate (I HATE things on my head)

    Peace with my treatment? Nah....scared to death. And OF death....
    My last 2nd opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw all of that away?"

    THAT SAID, you CAN take a positive role thru this...
    Accept that it is temporary.
    Take VERY GOOD care of your body...it's going to have a workout...
    Find something to laugh about every day.
    Realize that it may be that you are thinking it will be worse than it will be....talked to a gal yesterday with CRC...taking "pills" (who knows...Folfox, maybe?)...said she felt nothing more than a little tired...

    Great, Big, Fluffy, Huggy, Hugs!
    We are here for you, dearheart!

    Kathi
  • cherriann
    cherriann Member Posts: 155 Member
    #4
    hi patrusha,
    i know exactly how you feel. start my 2 round of chemo on the 11th and feels as if my mind is fighting it everyday. i keep telling myself it has to be done but another part of me wants to run like mad. i dont think i will get that peaceful feeling either but maybe with all of our support we can manage to get thru it. i will be thinking of you.
    take care, cherri
  • pepperdog
    pepperdog Member Posts: 96
    #5
    KathiM said:

    Facing slow 'poisoning' is NEVER peaceful! I got 5 2nd opinions for my breast cancer that followed the rectal cancer...not 2nd opinions for the diagnosis, for the treatment that INCLUDED chemo AGAIN, 6 months after my 'cocktails' for the CRC....sigh....
    PEACEFUL? NOT ME!!!! I was MAD as HELL!
    -I thought I had escaped a bald head when I emerged from the crc chemo with thin hair, but still hair....
    -I had just, finally, gotten some form of bowel control after my resection...and small bowel obstruction surgery
    -I KNEW that I was NOT going to be a good wig candidate (I HATE things on my head)

    Peace with my treatment? Nah....scared to death. And OF death....
    My last 2nd opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw all of that away?"

    THAT SAID, you CAN take a positive role thru this...
    Accept that it is temporary.
    Take VERY GOOD care of your body...it's going to have a workout...
    Find something to laugh about every day.
    Realize that it may be that you are thinking it will be worse than it will be....talked to a gal yesterday with CRC...taking "pills" (who knows...Folfox, maybe?)...said she felt nothing more than a little tired...

    Great, Big, Fluffy, Huggy, Hugs!
    We are here for you, dearheart!

    Kathi

    You see Kathi, this type message is what I love so much about you. You are the WOMAN !!!!!!! I have related so many of your messages to my husband when he's struggling.
    Pepperdog
  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    #6
    Hi Patrusha,

    I think you are at peace with your decision now the outcome of the decision is hard to get through. I dreaded days that I had to go for treatment. I think we all do. You just keep taking deep breaths and telling yourself that the sick feeling will go away once you are done chemo. Like it was said, it is only temporary. I didn't mind the infusions, I minded the reactions afterward. You might be a lucky one with little reaction. Take a good book or CD to the treatment to make it go faster. I even marked the days on the calendar to find out when I was done. Make a plan to go somewhere to celebrate when you are done. That helps moral. Know we are all there with each person who is on this site, holding their hands as they take each step in this journey. Big HUGS!!!!

    Lisa F.
  • vinny3
    vinny3 Member Posts: 928 Member
    #7
    As you know I have voiced the uncertainty I feel each time I go for chemo. Not in the decision I made but in the concern for the poison. However I am committed to the treatment. I found that this time, the 5th cycle, I have less side effects than before. It may be because I took an extra week off from the chemo for vacation or because I did extensive walking on the vacation. Either way I am going to keep walking and taking the poison for now.

    ****
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #8
    That always struck me as ironic, too. That and the fact that the nurses who hooked up the cocktain wore these special purple gloves. I asked them one time why they had the special purple gloves - they said "Because this stuff will give you cancer!"

    I'm sure there's humor in there somewhere...

    patrusha, you do what yuour body tells you is right and what you feel like you need to do to be at peace with yourself. Do not let anyone force you or coerce you into doing anything that you don't think is the best thing for you.

    (OMG, did I just say that?)

    I will tell you this, the time I spent "hooked-up" was very therapeutic. I talked and laughed and joked with the nurses and the other patients in the infusion center. It was GREAT therapy and, frankly, I really missed it when I was done. I think I healed both my body and my spirit when I did my chemo.

    Anyway, be well and, since you're already scheduled, go singe some dragon **** tomorrow!

    - SB
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #9
    pepperdog said:

    Pattrusha, I completely empathize with your feelings. Though I'm only a caretaker, I feel exactly the same about the chemo treatments my husband is receiving. I think we got good advice and we're doing the right things with his treatment protocol, but every time I go with him to the chemo lab, I want to throw up. I just can't stand seeing him look so brave with all those tubes and needles poking into him. It's a necessary poison, and we all have to pray that it does its job. Wishing you the best with your first treatment tomorrow. I'm sure it'll go well.
    Pepperdog

    Thanks, Pepper, it helps to know I have you guys to come whine at through this thing!!!
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #10
    KathiM said:

    Facing slow 'poisoning' is NEVER peaceful! I got 5 2nd opinions for my breast cancer that followed the rectal cancer...not 2nd opinions for the diagnosis, for the treatment that INCLUDED chemo AGAIN, 6 months after my 'cocktails' for the CRC....sigh....
    PEACEFUL? NOT ME!!!! I was MAD as HELL!
    -I thought I had escaped a bald head when I emerged from the crc chemo with thin hair, but still hair....
    -I had just, finally, gotten some form of bowel control after my resection...and small bowel obstruction surgery
    -I KNEW that I was NOT going to be a good wig candidate (I HATE things on my head)

    Peace with my treatment? Nah....scared to death. And OF death....
    My last 2nd opinion said "You have fought so hard already, why would you throw all of that away?"

    THAT SAID, you CAN take a positive role thru this...
    Accept that it is temporary.
    Take VERY GOOD care of your body...it's going to have a workout...
    Find something to laugh about every day.
    Realize that it may be that you are thinking it will be worse than it will be....talked to a gal yesterday with CRC...taking "pills" (who knows...Folfox, maybe?)...said she felt nothing more than a little tired...

    Great, Big, Fluffy, Huggy, Hugs!
    We are here for you, dearheart!

    Kathi

    I knew I could depend on you, Kathi, to make me feel better. I sure hope I am thinking it will be worse than it actually will be. If I start getting cranky during infusion, I'll think of you and say to myself, "dang. If Kathi can go through this TWICE, I can do it."

    Thanks, friend.
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #11
    cherriann said:

    hi patrusha,
    i know exactly how you feel. start my 2 round of chemo on the 11th and feels as if my mind is fighting it everyday. i keep telling myself it has to be done but another part of me wants to run like mad. i dont think i will get that peaceful feeling either but maybe with all of our support we can manage to get thru it. i will be thinking of you.
    take care, cherri

    Cherriann, we can be "chemo buddies!" LOL!! Let's keep in touch!
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #12
    lfondots63 said:

    Hi Patrusha,

    I think you are at peace with your decision now the outcome of the decision is hard to get through. I dreaded days that I had to go for treatment. I think we all do. You just keep taking deep breaths and telling yourself that the sick feeling will go away once you are done chemo. Like it was said, it is only temporary. I didn't mind the infusions, I minded the reactions afterward. You might be a lucky one with little reaction. Take a good book or CD to the treatment to make it go faster. I even marked the days on the calendar to find out when I was done. Make a plan to go somewhere to celebrate when you are done. That helps moral. Know we are all there with each person who is on this site, holding their hands as they take each step in this journey. Big HUGS!!!!

    Lisa F.

    Yep, you're right, Lisa. I have made peace with the DECISION. Now I just have to carry it through. I've got my books all lined up... my crossword puzzles on my Treo phone.... my sister, who is a massage therapist, has promised to come with me sometimes and rub my feet! .... my aunt who I love dearly said she'd come once or twice to keep me company.... my daughter and her boyfriend said they'd bring a fourth and we'd play Euchre... and then there's my loving hubby who is willing to go to each and every one of these things with me. And then I have you guys. I'm blessed!
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #13
    vinny3 said:

    As you know I have voiced the uncertainty I feel each time I go for chemo. Not in the decision I made but in the concern for the poison. However I am committed to the treatment. I found that this time, the 5th cycle, I have less side effects than before. It may be because I took an extra week off from the chemo for vacation or because I did extensive walking on the vacation. Either way I am going to keep walking and taking the poison for now.

    ****

    I'm exactly where you are, ****, as far as my thoughts go....

    Hey, I will make sure I take the dog for lots of walks! I didn't know that could help (and it sure couldn't hurt, either!).
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #14
    spongebob said:

    That always struck me as ironic, too. That and the fact that the nurses who hooked up the cocktain wore these special purple gloves. I asked them one time why they had the special purple gloves - they said "Because this stuff will give you cancer!"

    I'm sure there's humor in there somewhere...

    patrusha, you do what yuour body tells you is right and what you feel like you need to do to be at peace with yourself. Do not let anyone force you or coerce you into doing anything that you don't think is the best thing for you.

    (OMG, did I just say that?)

    I will tell you this, the time I spent "hooked-up" was very therapeutic. I talked and laughed and joked with the nurses and the other patients in the infusion center. It was GREAT therapy and, frankly, I really missed it when I was done. I think I healed both my body and my spirit when I did my chemo.

    Anyway, be well and, since you're already scheduled, go singe some dragon **** tomorrow!

    - SB

    LOL Sponger! I'm gonna throw that at the nurses tomorrow as they hook me up.... "are you wearing those gloves because you're afraid this stuff will give you cancer?!" I'll report their reaction to you. LOL!!!

    Don't worry, nobody is forcing me to do this, except myself (does that count?)! The deciding line for me was looking at my almost 13-year-old son (my youngest of four) and knowing I needed to do what I needed to do to hang around for his sake. So I'll take a picture of all of my kids and pull it out every once in while during infusion to remind myself that I'm not just doing this for me! And when I'm all done with chemo and he gives me lip as all teenagers are wont to do, I'll do the guilt thing and say, "I endured chemo for this?!!" LOL!!! Just kidding, people.....

    Off to singe some dragon ****! Yeeeehaaaa!
  • shmurciakova
    shmurciakova Member Posts: 906 Member
    #15
    I don't know how to tell you to make peace with your decision. You know how I felt about it and you heard from others. You weighed your options and this is the decision that you made. I guess you just have to think that you made the right decision and stick with it. If you are truely having second thoughts and you don't want to go through with it, then don't. It is just that simple. However, I don't think it is good to keep second guessing yourself. Decide and stick with it.
    You know, I am still friends with my chemo nurse and I think there is something very therapeutic about feeling like you are "doing something" about it. You may recall that I had chemo 2x.
    After my liver mets I decided not to do chemo and I have never second guessed that decision. So if you feel uncomfortable not doing it, then you have to go ahead and do it.
    One doctor told me "We have to make you a little sick in order to get you well."
    I am sure you will get through it just fine and then you can DETOX, and get on with the rest of your life!
    Best wishes and good luck. Try not to worry, you will be fine.
    Susan.
  • AuthorUnknown
    AuthorUnknown Member Posts: 1,537 Member
    #16
    Hi Patrusha,

    I am sorry to discourage you but you probably know my opinion about chemo by now.

    After what I have read happened to 2bhealed's sister after chemo and have seen what happened to my mother after chemo, I can not think about chemo in any other terms as POISON.

    I am for other methods of treatment and against chemo.

    Sorry, but I can not be more encouraging.

    Also, if you don't seem to be in peace with this, perhaps this is your "little" voice inside is telling you something.... Remember you said you would listen to it....

    So, I say again: listen to the voice.

    Hugs, Eleonora
  • goldfinch
    goldfinch Member Posts: 735
    #17
    I know exactly what you mean. However, I tried VERY hard to NOT call the chemo poison. I knew it was (I'm a nurse and have worn those gloves while giving chemo). Every day, before getting the chemo I would visualize it working on my cancer. Sometimes it was rain showers melting the cancer away. Sometimes it was pac men chomping down on it. I've had others, though I don't remember them now.
    Sounds like you're committed to this. Do all you can to make it work!
    Mary
    Ya know...it's funny. I see my onc tomorrow to see if he has any chemo options left for me. I'm seriously considering saying no even if he does and going the natural route. I'm having trouble convincing myself I'm making the right choice. Hopefully after tomorrow I'll feel more comfortable with my choice (Although maybe the doc will say there's nothing else he can recommend and I won't have a choice. Don't like that idea either).

    Anyway...you'll feel better if you do all you can to beat this beast down!

    GOod luck tomorrow!
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #18
    shmurciakova said:

    I don't know how to tell you to make peace with your decision. You know how I felt about it and you heard from others. You weighed your options and this is the decision that you made. I guess you just have to think that you made the right decision and stick with it. If you are truely having second thoughts and you don't want to go through with it, then don't. It is just that simple. However, I don't think it is good to keep second guessing yourself. Decide and stick with it.
    You know, I am still friends with my chemo nurse and I think there is something very therapeutic about feeling like you are "doing something" about it. You may recall that I had chemo 2x.
    After my liver mets I decided not to do chemo and I have never second guessed that decision. So if you feel uncomfortable not doing it, then you have to go ahead and do it.
    One doctor told me "We have to make you a little sick in order to get you well."
    I am sure you will get through it just fine and then you can DETOX, and get on with the rest of your life!
    Best wishes and good luck. Try not to worry, you will be fine.
    Susan.

    You know Susan, I think I have made the "right" decision. I just hate it anyway. Does that make sense? I don't think I am second-guessing my decision to go the chemo route, but maybe I am in some ways.

    And as much as I hate going through the TOXING, I am looking forward to the DETOX and getting oh with my life, too. It's just a wierd mix of feelings that we have to deal with, isn't it?
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #19
    AuthorUnknown said:

    Hi Patrusha,

    I am sorry to discourage you but you probably know my opinion about chemo by now.

    After what I have read happened to 2bhealed's sister after chemo and have seen what happened to my mother after chemo, I can not think about chemo in any other terms as POISON.

    I am for other methods of treatment and against chemo.

    Sorry, but I can not be more encouraging.

    Also, if you don't seem to be in peace with this, perhaps this is your "little" voice inside is telling you something.... Remember you said you would listen to it....

    So, I say again: listen to the voice.

    Hugs, Eleonora

    Eleonora, friend, I appreciate your comments. My little voice, that blasted little voice, is the one that keeps telling me that doing chemo is the right thing for me. I told it to "shut up" a few times but it just kept quietly coming back and calling my name.

    The chemo horror stories are all out there, but so are the successes that can't be denied, no matter how hard-won they are. And there are other equally wonderful success stories like scouty's that are so attractive to me.

    Alas, though, I don't feel like a total natural approach is for me at this time. That little voice keeps nagging me. So I am choosing to listen to it and hoping to thank it someday.

    Hugs.
  • Patrusha
    Patrusha Member Posts: 487
    #20
    goldfinch said:

    I know exactly what you mean. However, I tried VERY hard to NOT call the chemo poison. I knew it was (I'm a nurse and have worn those gloves while giving chemo). Every day, before getting the chemo I would visualize it working on my cancer. Sometimes it was rain showers melting the cancer away. Sometimes it was pac men chomping down on it. I've had others, though I don't remember them now.
    Sounds like you're committed to this. Do all you can to make it work!
    Mary
    Ya know...it's funny. I see my onc tomorrow to see if he has any chemo options left for me. I'm seriously considering saying no even if he does and going the natural route. I'm having trouble convincing myself I'm making the right choice. Hopefully after tomorrow I'll feel more comfortable with my choice (Although maybe the doc will say there's nothing else he can recommend and I won't have a choice. Don't like that idea either).

    Anyway...you'll feel better if you do all you can to beat this beast down!

    GOod luck tomorrow!

    How about this, Mary? Why not call the poison what it is and envision that poison coursing through my cells and vanquishing every last vestige of cancer while my healthy cells are shielded by little armies of miraculous, lush, green hedges that keep them from being harmed.

    Silly? I think not! The rain showers melting the cancer away is a more soothing mental image, though! LOL!!!

    As for your sitch, I hope your meeting with the onc tomorrow goes well. I think anyone who faces a repeat with Mr. Chemo would be insane if they didn't question themselves and take a hard look at all of the possibilities, including that of going a natural route.

    May the Lord guide you on the right path, my friend.
  • scouty
    scouty Member Posts: 1,965 Member
    #21
    Patrusha,

    You know I had to chime in here!!!!!!!

    I'm not sure one can ever completely say they are at "peace" with life deciding decisions. i think we do the best we can within ourselves. I had no idea there were options when I started chemo and to be honest the first 3 months were easy easy for me. The 5th month things started really get hard and by the 8th month, I truly felt like the chemo was killing me not the cancer. I had grown to be very scared of it and how it was going to kill me. I remember one of my brothers, a ear, nose, and throat surgeon telling me that "the whole point of chemo is to hopefully kill all the cancer cells before it kills the patient".

    I stopped the chemo soon after then and have not regretted it at all. BUT, I can't tell you what I would do if my cancer comes back. I still have my port for some silly "don't want to jinx anything" reason.

    Anyway, we all do what we can tolerate and reasonerate and it is okay for them to change over time. Mine certainly have and it is all for the good.

    FYI, once you are done with chemo, you won't remember much about it, chemo brain keeps you from remembering most of the yucky times (good thing).

    And always remember you are in a battle, a fight for your life and no one in their right mind (won't say much more there) ever feels at peace while fighting like hell. Give yourself a break and just work on taking care of you especially, around the poisonings.

    Lisa P.

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