Some humor for the day

This ought to put a smile on everyone's face!!!
Jimmy

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
> meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
> you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
> they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
> go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
>11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
>12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
> do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
> the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
> member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
>17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
>19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
>20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
> Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased