Some humor for the day
JKendall
Member Posts: 186
This ought to put a smile on everyone's face!!!
Jimmy
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
> meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
> you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
> they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
> go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
>11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
>12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
> do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
> the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
> member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
>17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
>19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
>20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
> Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
Jimmy
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
> get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
> "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
> --Author Unknown
>
> 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
> support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
> meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey
>
> 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
> not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
> doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
> drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy
>
> 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
> and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
> infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
> --Dave Barry
>
> 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
> wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
> There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
> you, they should have to find you a temp."
> --Bob Ettinger
>
> 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
> they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
> 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
> better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
> authors of that study: "Duh."
> --Conan O'Brien
>
> 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
> halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
> I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>
>10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of
> people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
> and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
> go west.'"
> --Richard Jeni
>
>11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
>12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
> geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
>13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
> turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld
>
>14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
> case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
> from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
> do tall people burn slower?"
> --Warren Hutcherson
>
>15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
> the same."
> --Oscar Wilde
>
>16) "Suppose you were an idiot .. And suppose you were a
> member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
> --Mark Twain
>
>17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
> student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
> --A. Whitney Brown
>
>18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a
> place."
> --Billy Crystal
>
>19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
> will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
> I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
>20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
> Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
0
Comments
-
Thanks Jimmy--there is always room to try a little cheer here. Between Spongers "speedo's", my "thongs" and sweet Andrea's lacy lingerie there is nothing better than shifting the humour to another subject.Btrcup said:LOVED IT!!! DESPERATELY NEEDED TODAY!
LINDA (BALTIMORE)
I suspect the gals here were getting bored here having to be reminded of our male sexuality. And seeing as how we are outnumbered by tha fairer sex metinks there needs to be some humorous input forthcoming from our lovely lady friends here.
Come on gals????
(me also thinks that at an Andrea lingerie party us guys would get frequent mentions----lol!)0
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