FIlling the maestro's boots

Training manual for Sponge Bob wannabees:

1. Act like the world's biggest drunk. Mention liquor every chance you get. Store your Stolii in the freezer. End all posts with "I need a drink! A dry martini. Shaken, not stirred. And just a whisper of vermouth."

2. Talk like a pirate. Teach your parrot to sound like a sailor on shore leave. Greet everyone with a hearty Ahoy! Pepper your speech with starb'd and larb'd. Refer to the head as the Reading Room. Stock it with tittie mags, Car and Driver, Guns‘n Ammo, the usual macho swill.

3. Follow a diet guaranteed to give you a terminal illness. Swap gross-out recipes with the rest of the guys involving the use of hot dogs and elbow macaroni in creative ways. Feed your pets with leftovers and tell yourself, "Hey, if it didn't kill the cat..."

4. Glue that slack housekeeping seal of approval to your forehead. Wear it proudly.

5. Tease the resident herbalist mercilessly about being a health food nut. In Spongeworld a juicing machine is used for making mixers only. Learn to chug those "Tikki" drinks made with seven different kinds of rum.

6. Tell embarrassing stories about yourself to appear lost and forlorn. This brings out the mother in all the women. Gee what a sensitive guy. And I bet he looks cute in that uniform. Swoon.

7. Remind people that Mexico is the place to get wasted not cured. Roll those herbs into a big honking party doobie and learn how to say, "Servesas" and "Quanto?"

8. Know how to find the Nickelodeon channel wherever you happen to be. Settle down and watch a mind-numbing kiddy cartoon about a clueless character that doesn't know his butt hole from a porthole. Use him as a role model.

9. Take lots of naps. Dream about falling into a vat of pineapple Jell-O shots. The semi-colon gals join you for a romp. As the ice melts, their wet t-shirts commence to shrink...zzzzzz