FIlling the maestro's boots

aspaysia

Training manual for Sponge Bob wannabees:

1. Act like the world's biggest drunk. Mention liquor every chance you get. Store your Stolii in the freezer. End all posts with "I need a drink! A dry martini. Shaken, not stirred. And just a whisper of vermouth."

2. Talk like a pirate. Teach your parrot to sound like a sailor on shore leave. Greet everyone with a hearty Ahoy! Pepper your speech with starb'd and larb'd. Refer to the head as the Reading Room. Stock it with tittie mags, Car and Driver, Guns‘n Ammo, the usual macho swill.

3. Follow a diet guaranteed to give you a terminal illness. Swap gross-out recipes with the rest of the guys involving the use of hot dogs and elbow macaroni in creative ways. Feed your pets with leftovers and tell yourself, "Hey, if it didn't kill the cat..."

4. Glue that slack housekeeping seal of approval to your forehead. Wear it proudly.

5. Tease the resident herbalist mercilessly about being a health food nut. In Spongeworld a juicing machine is used for making mixers only. Learn to chug those "Tikki" drinks made with seven different kinds of rum.

6. Tell embarrassing stories about yourself to appear lost and forlorn. This brings out the mother in all the women. Gee what a sensitive guy. And I bet he looks cute in that uniform. Swoon.

7. Remind people that Mexico is the place to get wasted not cured. Roll those herbs into a big honking party doobie and learn how to say, "Servesas" and "Quanto?"

8. Know how to find the Nickelodeon channel wherever you happen to be. Settle down and watch a mind-numbing kiddy cartoon about a clueless character that doesn't know his butt hole from a porthole. Use him as a role model.

9. Take lots of naps. Dream about falling into a vat of pineapple Jell-O shots. The semi-colon gals join you for a romp. As the ice melts, their wet t-shirts commence to shrink...zzzzzz

pattieb

hahahaha I can't stop laughing. I think I'm going pee myself.
Pattie

kerry

Yes, we all do miss Spongebob!! He has BIG shoes to fill.

Kerry

kangatoo

kerry said:

Yes, we all do miss Spongebob!! He has BIG shoes to fill.

Kerry

Hey Asp--when I get the energy reserves going I will pick myself up off the floor then attempt to analyse the aforementioned requirements!Then I'm gunna "make up me own!"
Geez--tall order Asp?
Does sailing competitively on a 5 metre catamaran for 15 years qualify?
"avast landlubbers"---errrrr-"there's Klingons on the starboard bow--scrape em off Jim!"
awwwww---trying to emulate SB is like trying to scrape off the barnicles--it just ain't makin the jouney!
Here's a recipe for you all--try making "roast soup"--mmmmmmmm------yummy
'tis all for now
gotta go check kitty--think she may have fallen in the cement pond trying to catch my rubber ducky.

ps. the cement pond is the closest I can get to the "briney"

AHOY kitty---no drinking of the pond water!!!!!!!!

kangatoo n Jen-"salties from down under"

2bhealed

I HAVE SPLIT A FRIGGIN GUT!!!!!!

I think I reinjured my hernia surgery laughing so dang hard!!!

REading your post is better than a 2 hour Pilates workout!! Who needs Curves just read ASPAYSIA!

hahahahahaohohohohohhehehehehehehehe

pea heeeheeeeheeee ce hoohooohooo, eeeemmmmmhhheeeeehheeeeiihahahahalleeeeeyeeee

jsabol

Hi Aspaysia,
This was too funny, and awfully clever....do you do this often?..I see another book! It's great to be able to laugh...at SB's expense, no less. Hope he gets to read this posting before it gets lost in the archives...did you e-mail it to him? Thanks for the laughs, Judy

spongebob

Assp -

O.. M.. G! This is too funny - I think I peed me breeches! I am touched by this post (I know, I'm a bit "touched" anyway)

Kerry, Pattie, Kanga, Emily, Judy, You are all too sweet!

Arrrrgh!

- SB