Watching my mother die

Renee2516 said:

Dear Greenemd,
Thank you for sharing your mothers story with me. Reading it brought tears to my eyes. I am not sure how you are coping so well, but keep me up with your tips. It sounds like you are in a very loving place and viewing things in a good light. I hope I feel that way when my mom dies. I do have a daughter but she is only 7 months old, so she really has no idea what is going on, my hope is my mom can make it until her 1st b-day which is July 2. I may be asking a bit too much though. I am 26, my brother is 21, and my father is 49, so we are all at ages where we speak openly and freely. It does not seem to lessen the pain. I do live close to my mom (right across the street), my dad and her own my house and thier home. I get to see her everyday which helps lighten things up for my dad too. It is so hard, I just really want a mircale and I hate to see her in this much pain. She is throwing up, getting fevers, can barley eat, and sleeps alot. I just want so bad to take ever bit of pain away from her and have my strong normal mom back. Did you feel this way? and how did you deal with it?

Yes there was not a day that went by that I did not wish she was her active self again. My mom was a bowler and traveled all over the U.S. to see her just so enactive was very difficult. She would or could not eat, I even made special trips to the grocery store to get things to make her favorite dishes. Most of the time that did not work. I think one of the main things that kept me from letting her know all of my pain was, I did not want her to take on any more pain herself. A person that was so active, having to lye in bed, not being able to go to the restroom by herself, or open a bottle if ensure, and knowing that you are going to die. I believed my mom to be very strong, She needed me to be strong for her, and in the end she was still strong. I do wish my mom back but if she would be in pain I would rather for her to stay in Heaven. It will be 8 weeks since I lost my mom on the 24th of Feb. All this is still new to me. I can only advise you to take it a day at a time. If that is to much take it 10 minutes at a time. Keep spending as much time with your mom as possible. I was told by Hospice that there would come a time when my mom would show a smile that I had not seen in a long time before she passed. You know what, they were right. Every time I think of that beautiful smile I smile.one other thing my mom kept a journal up until she was no longer able to write. Does your mom keep one. Sometimes I pull it out to read and it is as if she is still here.

Renee2516 said:

It is nice to know you got to see your mom smile and at peace before she passed. I will hope for the same. My mom writes some, but she is so sick if she gets a shower and eats that wears her out, but I will suggest I write for her. That is a really good idea, thanks. Everyone at my office chipped in and bought her a smoothie machine (with out me knowing it was really nice). So I get fresh fruit, ensure and vanilla syrup (she really likes that) and make stuff for her. Besides that she really does not eat. My dad is going to get her a lounge chair that can lay down so she can sit in the garden or yard when it gets nice out. I do take it one day at a time, but time has never had such a big meaning as it does now. I keep thinking, will it be next month, 3 months, will we know when it is close, will she suffer???? So many things. I am sure you thought the same things. My mom also was so active, but now it is hard for her. Someone has to be at the house for her to shower. I know it is hard on her, being such a strong women. I can say having my daughter really helps me get through the hard moments, she needs me to be a mom so it keeps me off my own pitty pot. I do whatever I can for my mom and make sure to hug her and tell her I love her all the time. How was your mom's funreal? I have tons of bad dreams about my moms to come.

It is so good to hear that you have support from your co-workers. That is truly a blessing. My mom's funeral was beautiful. I did not realize how many peoples lives my mother touched. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, just like she was asleep. I was asked by one of the funeral directors if I would like to help tuck her in and close the caskett...At first I was shocked but then I had a weird feeling that came over me and kind of gave me the chills, but in a nice way. I figured this was my mom looking over me and the next thing I knew I was folding her blankets, rubbing her hands and giving her a kiss and closing the casket. Just typing this gives me the chills, I know that she is proud of me and watching over me. Don't fret about the dreams. I had those also. I also used to be scared for her to go to sleep for fear she would not wake up, but soon realized that if it was God's will it will be done. No more suffering,no more pain. Another thing that also helped me is that besides being at her side she was able to tell me she was going home. That to me said that she was on her way to heaven, I don't have to worry she is going to be with her higher power.

Dianaedes said:

It was so nice to read others feel as I do. It's not my mother who I am watching die, it's my father. I am finding it difficult, and confusing. I hope by me writing I can get alittle of this confusion lifted off my shoulders. My father has lung & liver cancer. After all attempts at chemo they have said there is nothing left. They told us to live day by day. Well watching my father lose 10 pounds a week and do nothing but sleep was hard, the doctor said it has now gone to his brain, my dad went through a week of barley being alive, the doctor put him on decatron (spelled wrong) and poof, my dad seems to be almost his old self. the last four days he has gained 5 pounds, has actually gone outside and is watching tv again. HELPPPP Im so confused. People tell me that sometimes they get better right before they pass on, has anyone else heard this?? and you had mentioned your mother knew her time was up, my dad whispered to my mom he had 3 weeks left, it has now passed the 4th week, again....Im so lost. I know god only knows the time, but can anyone put some light on what I may be in store for???
Thank you and god bless all ...Diana

I think my mom knew all along that there was nothing the doctors could do for her. She just did not realize that we knew. She wanted to be strong for her family. My mom was taking a a drug called *****well I can't remember the name of it but it was a shot they would give her once a week. The shot would give her so much energy for a couple of days, then she would be back to being weak and sleeping all the time. After awhile I noticed that when she received her shot it did not work anymore. The doctors finally told her that there was nothing that they could do and she, I think already had come to terms with that. She informed hospice that she was ready to take care of somethings before she went home, such as financial responsibilities, signing over of her house, car and other items. When it is time for your fathers home going you will know and he will also know. Please don't look at as watching him die. I tell you in the long run being able to tell your friends and co-workers that you dad has gone home is a lot easier. The hospice nurse my mom had was a very informative person. She informed me that when a person is dying or just right before they go home they turn back to a childhood state. She basically told me, or I should say warned me of things to come. She advised me of things to look for. There was one night that my mom after being in bed for a couple days needing assistance, just got out of bed and was suddenly this strong almost like a "hulk" like person. She explained to me that she needed to go to the basement to put out a fire. She said she had left something cooking down there. The only thing I could do to calm her was to assure her that I would check and for her to go back and lay down. I did go check, to satisfy her, of course everything was ok. The next night she said she had to save Jimmy. I had no idea who Jimmy was until I watched Private Ryan and the name of the guy is the same as my uncles, her brother. He lives in NJ. It just so happened that he had planned to come visit after xmas. Well I called him and informed him that I thought he needed to come ealier and he did. After she saw him I could see the peace in her eyes and knew it would not be long. I was very close to my mom. Some people say the embelical cord was never cut. Now it is. It just seems as though I knew her every thought, I knew when she was having a good day and bad day without even seeing her. I can't explain it. But I do believe that when the time comes you will know and you will know what to do.

Dianaedes said:

Thank you for responding, It's now Wednesday and dad has been on Decatron for 4 days and wow.....he's like his old self. We had him on his death bed and trying to deal with losing him and poof, he even drove today, which the doctors said he would never do again. I am so confused at his turn around it scarey, but I don't want to get all happy and next week something tragic happen. We are all living with this day by day not knowing what tomorrow is gonna bring. By what all I have read, seems that once it is in the brain, they could live another 4 to 6 weeks. Maybe there are miracles???????

I am so happy your dad is doing so well. You never know when a miracle comes along. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Renee,

My mother had liver cancer and passed about a month ago. I was in the room with her the whole week before she passed and also the moment she took her last breath. It truly was heart wrenching, but you know, I honnestly feel that if I had not spent those last few days with her, I definately would be worse right now. It is hard to see your mother leave, expecially if you two are close. My advice to you is enjoy every single second you have together. It's really weird because I was very sad when it happened but then it seemed to go away, only about a week ago am I know being hit like a ton of bricks and find myself really distraught and lonely. What's helping me is my great family. It's really nice to talk about my mother and my feelings to my husband, my sisters or even my father. Hang in there, you'll see when time comes and you can see the look of satisfaction on your mother because she is no longer in pain, you will realize that it's for the best and it is not good bye, it's see ya later. I truly beleive that my mother is watching over us ( my family) and although I miss her so much, I know that there is nothing I can do, but it is nice to have that feeling that she is still present and is watching over you.

Good luck, my prayers are truly with you. Remember, everything has to happen for a reason,just cherish every second you have.

Rox

Wow this is my first day here and once I read your message it made me feel like someone out there was going through the same thing. Or at least going through what I've been through except my mother has already passed she died Jan 21st. A day I will never forget. And since then I can describe the feelings I have. I really can relate to you and know your story. Stay strong and always remember the important memories you have. Yeah my mom was told the same thing...you don't have cancer anymore, now your in good health...heard it all before but it did come back and now she's gone. The place that I turned to was the church I felt that the chuch we attended was very helpful and made me feel like this wasn't a mistake which is what I was saying but more of a relief that she was no longer in pain. There really is no way of preparing but you can definetly cope and understand what is going on. The one thing that helps me cope is being closer to my family and sharing what emotions we have together especially my brother and sister. I hope I provided you with some insight.

I don't really have answers to that, but the one thing I can tell you is tell her all the good things you think about her, spend as much time as you can with her. Don't be scared of talking about your fears with her, and let her talk about hers with you. Try to know the most aout her, so that later on, you'll have some stories to tell about your mom. Write down all the things she knows that you want to remember. Event try to make her write those down. That's all I can tell you. I'm not sure that there are ways to deal with that. I really hope your mother is going to live longer. You know, people react in a different way, so she may be strong enough to be able to live much longer:)

ZELLARS said:

DEAR RENEE I READ YOUR ENTRY AND IT WAS ALL MY SAME THOUGHTS.MY DAD IS GOING DOWN HILL FAST WITH STOMACH CANCER.I LITERALLY CANNOT CATCH MY BREATH MOST OF THE DAY. HE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL MAN AND HAD SUCH STRONG FAITH--THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD--1)THE ONES WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH WATCHING THEIR LOVED ONES SUFFER AND 2) THOSE WHO HAVE NOT. I DONT EVEN LIKE TO SAY THIS BUT THE DR SAID 6 MONTHS TOO--I GUESS IT JUST FEELS LIKE OK SO THATS IT----YOU WANT TO SCREAM WORK OVERTIME PLEASE HELP US!!! MY DAD HAS 4 GRANDCHILDREN AGES 6, 4, 3, AND 1--I HAVE TWO MY BROTHER HAS TWO. I JUST FEEL SO HELPLESS AND CAN RELATE TO YOU BECAUSE IT IS JUST GOING TO FAST-HE IS SO SICK AND HAS A FEEDING TUBE AND EVEN THAT MAKES HIM SICK. PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE. EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL I HAVE FEARED SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO MY MOM OR DAD--NO WAY COULD I HAVE EVER BEEN PREPARED FOR THE REALITY OF IT. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR MOTHER

I have lost my grandfather to lung cancer, my father to colon cancer, my wonderful father in law to liver cancer, and now my mother- my best friend - is trying to put up a good fight with ovarian cancer. I am feeling hopeless and helpless. She is very sick as I write this. She is frail and weak. I have seen this same pattern in those that have passed before her. I simply feel that these were very special people who suffered a great deal of pain and I really have such a surreal feeling watching once again as another loved on travels down the same path. Don't know where to find strength. I thought I was prepared and handling this so well and being strong for her but this is a really bad time. Just wanted to share