Getting BACK to living!!!!

Hi drpearl,

It is lovely to hear that you have changed thinking negatively. It has been six years since my treatment and yes, there are days where I sum up all the changes I have had to make over the past few years, to accommodate my body's 'new' functions. The after-effects of anal cancer treatment doesn't get me down as much as it used to, but now I do pause and take a breath. I am not the same woman.

I've looked at photos of the younger me and felt sorry for her, knowing now, what she would go through as an older woman. My naivety, hopes, dreams and sense of dignity have all been changed. As a person, I believe that I am better for having gone through the discovery, treatment, after effects and shock of anal cancer. I am alive and am now living with a different purpose in life. But I wouldn't wish this disease upon anyone.

Stopping and smelling the roses, smiling at a mother and her baby, seeing all the different colour greens in trees, sitting and being creative making something and generally taking life a lot slower, is the lifestyle I now find myself . I used to be a highly functioning and a contributing member of society. I guess you could say that I have had the wind knocked out of me.

I simply cannot do the things I once did. It used to frustrate me to no-end, being so incapacitated (or so it seemed). Under pressure I fall apart and lose my brain, it takes me a lot longer to get anything done, moving to do anything feels like I'm in slow-motion, I can only stand for short periods of time now, and concentrating on anything - exhausts me.

I am okay with it all, now.

Whatever you face, you will be able to overcome it. We may be crying while we soldier on, or we may spend a day in bed allowing time to pass, we may feel lonely but we are in good company, as we are not the only person who has endured the agony of recovery from anal cancer. I took heart and sat with my grief of loss, because it was true, I had lost a great many things. Living has a purpose all of its own.

Finding out who I really am, under adversity was an interesting discovery. The result being that now, I am a lot kinder, more patient, listen better and small problems are just that - small. Feeling sad doesn't necessarily mean I am thinking negatively. Sure, self-pity can produce sadness and there are times for that too, as you inferred as long as it doesn't go on for too long. Experiencing loss - of health, dreams, plans, finances, a job, relationships, a body we once knew and the list can go on, but losing the life I once knew is a companion that has changed who I was.

Being discontent, is not negative. Discontentment with life, to me has been the catalyst for change. As you too have discovered the need to get up and get on with living is something we need to do. I try to remember that it is okay to be sad, we have real reasons to be. I will never be able to get back what I have lost.

I hope I haven't gone on too long about my journey of grief with anal cancer, I know we all do it different. I hope you get some comfort knowing you are not alone in your cancer journey.

Megan