difficult patient

babsathome1 Member Posts: 4 Member
edited October 2023 in Caregivers #1

I am new to caregiving and don't like it much. My bf is the patient and he is very difficult to deal with. He is very needy, demanding, rude at times and disrespectful. He needs to have someone with him 24/7 and is very controlling of me mostly. I do have other people here that help with his care so that I can take care of other things like the house, pets, cook, yard, shop, etc. But god forbid if I go outside for a few hours to get away from all of it and regroup. Anyone else experiencing similar with their patient?


  • EPML
    EPML Member Posts: 1 Member


    I am sorry you have to deal with this inappropriate behaviour. Have you asked him why he treats you this way? Could he possibly feel angry due to his diagnosis? At times when people do not feel well, they tend to act very negatively. I am a registered nurse and I deal with this all the time with ill patients. You cannot take this personally. We have to remember that they are going through a lot more as the cancer patient, than you as the caregiver. You both have different feelings and grieving processes. Kind of keep that in mind, but I do believe that communication between the two of you is key. Let him know that you do not appreciate his behaviour. You have as much right as he does to be respected, especially since you are not obligated to assist him. You are his caregiver because you choose to be. You are not his husband and are not obligated to help him. Let him know that so he can see where you are coming from.

    My husband just got diagnosed with stage 3 Ca. 3 months ago and his attitude has changed. I know that is not who he is, but I also know that he does not feel well. I make every effort to be supportive in the best way I can be, but he also snaps at me periodically. I told him I do not deserve to be treated in such a bad way. It is bad enough that I get treated bad at work by my patients, and I do not need to tolerate that attitude at home too. It helps him realise that how he is acting is wrong and I will not deal with that at home. He does come to his senses when I tell him that.

    I hope that you too can open up and communicate with him how you feel. Let him know that he is not alone and he cannot beat up the people that CHOOSE to help him. Let me know how it goes. Good luck.

  • babsathome1
    babsathome1 Member Posts: 4 Member

    I have come to understand that most of the behavior is due to his diagnosis, not feeling well, not being able to breathe and fear of dying. We have had an opportunity to talk with a counselor present and able to iron out a few things so that we can communicate better. My issue now is I am not getting enough sleep and losing weight and fear that I will not be able to continue to care for him properly. His daughter has been helping for the past 2 1/2 months and has to return home to her life and job. So now it's just gonna be me and his 82 year old mom. I am trying to get help from hospice and his insurance company for extra caregivers but so far it's not enough. I don't know what to do. When he wakes up for his morning meds he needs immediate attention and I'm still half asleep. I try to go back to sleep and try to encourage him to do so as well but it doesn't always happen. If I thought it was an option I'd put him in a care home but he'd kill me if I did that. I am so upset, tired and afraid that I'm going to fail. He gets very agitated if I/we don't do exactly as he requests, when he requests this n that (cook this, heat up that, sit here while I do my nebulizer, move all my stuff to the other room, turn on the air/lights....it goes on and on). I'm not cut out for this (n I aint no spring chicken either, almost wish I was I might be able to do this). Thanks for your comments, it really does help.

  • Riksnewlife
    Riksnewlife Member Posts: 4 Member

    Ouch I/we have moments similar but overall my wife is a lot more aware and appreciative which Im sure would be night and day. They moments that your describing are only fleeting. Ive been in this since our wedding 5 years ago and at 60 maybe there's some acknowledgement of the sacrifice. I struggle with the intimacy that dissolved and then I feel selfish. Giving up personal time and the life I thought I would live to be a caretaker is a hard pill to swallow but I feel guilt every time I start wondering what it should have been like. Then I try to put myself in her shoes staring down deaths door. Im sorry no answers just a different perspective. I push away depression with similar perspectives but I feel it knocking at my door. I don't know how to help you give the gift of recognition for all that you do.

  • babsathome1
    babsathome1 Member Posts: 4 Member

    thanks for your response....it's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this...it's been very hard dealing with him...I've been told to not take his comments personally but some still hurt. There aint nothin nice about cancer.

  • annie025
    annie025 Member Posts: 5 Member

    Does he have friends, cousins schoolmates, anything like that?

    Anyone who might be able to spend a couple hours catching up on days past. Hey 2 hrs to go get a pedicure is a restorative short term break,pampering,whatever gives you pleasure.You could arrange it as a weekly old friends drop by Wednesdays or something. Just an idea to spin some light into what we all know is hard. May GOD bless you and yours, in the name of your son Jesus Christ,my lord. Amen

  • babsathome1
    babsathome1 Member Posts: 4 Member

    I wish I could get away! The only time I get a break is to go grocery shopping. His mom is here and helps me care for him but she placates him. He's 64 years old and acts like a 5 year old most of the time. Neither one of us can catch a break, we barely get to go pee and he's yelling for one of us to come be with him. I really don't believe that he's that needy but now has been spoiled by his mom. I get it that he's sick and in pain but that's no excuse to be an **** and act like a spoiled child. I've tried to talk to him about this but he gets all emotional and even verbally abusive. Yes he has friends and they have stopped by from time to time but for the most part it's just the 3 of us. It's getting harder and harder for me to want to even be around him as I don't cotton to his behavior and tend to feel pissed off alot of the time. He is starting to have breaks in his memory and rants about stuff that doesn't make sense or is very forgetful. The whole thing is messed up and makes me very sad. Thanks for your comments.

  • DavidONj
    DavidONj Member Posts: 8 *

    Thank you for this question/comment. My wife was diagnosed in Jan 2022 and we thought her cancer was gone after a nice looking scan in June. We were planning on travelling and taking it easy. Come September, a routine CT scan showed that the cancer has spread to many places. Everything is on hold, she is terrified of what will happen. Nobody wants to be told that they have to go to chemo again, will lose your hair, have ingrown nails, be tired all the time let alone experience it. She sleeps a lot, has been hospitalized and is very aware that she may die. As her husband, I am numb, am yelled at a lot and she is demanding. I understand that her 'attitude' (I hate to call it that) and demeanor have changed since she feels bad and is worn out. I try not to take it personally and remind myself that she is going through a terrifying experience, feels like crap, cannot sleep, has a poor appetite and wants to just feel better. Along with other life things like a new granddaughter, children living hundreds and thousands of miles away do not help. I hope to continue to try to server her the best that I can and to remember that she is scared and no matter how much I try to understand her situation I cannot. I wish you the best during this time.