My marriage is falling apart since my husband's diagnosis

Raye_1983
Raye_1983 Member Posts: 2 Member
edited April 2023 in Lung Cancer #1

I swore that I would never join one of these group's and talk about my feeling with strangers but I need people who understand what I am going through and won't judge me. It all started in December of last year husband had not been feeling well for months and I kept begging him to call the doctor but he refused said it was just a bad cold finally he needed meds refilled and went. Long story short the day before his birthday he was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung cancer. We both felt like we had been punched in the gut. So since January our lives have been turned upside-down. I have been by his side every step of the way (he is my person) but he has become very mean and says awful things to me because I worry about him. The last couple of months his health seems to be getting worse headaches, dizzy spells and extreme fatigue and thirst every day. He has mentioned these things to his doctor and just gets brushed off. I happen to work in Health Care and have talked to Oncology about his situation and they believe he needs a brain scan sooner rather then later and recommended he go to the ER to have this done. Since I have tried to get him to go he has this thought in his head that I just want him out of the house (everytime he has went to the hospital I have been with him) and that I can't wait to get away from him. I just want what's best for him. Someone please tell me what to do. I feel like he is on the verge of leaving me.

Comments

  • deelo
    deelo Member Posts: 5 Member
    #2

    He is very much afraid of what going on and isn't processing his feelings very well. We almost always lash out at the people we are the closest to...safety net. He has come to terms in his time. Will he go to one of the local support groups? Sometimes it helps....I pray your journey gets easier and the time you guys have can be good :)) Tell a joke and find a reason to laugh everyday...we watch dumb tik tok videos together

  • Tiffh19
    Tiffh19 Member Posts: 2 Member
    #3

    I can relate in so many ways . He’s not my husband but my partner. He is very mean and careless of his words when i try To help him or suggest what i think He should do in regards to how he feels or even helping him with everyday activities. It’s hard and i wish I could give you advise to change it for the better but i cant. However what i do want you to kno that you are NOT alone. Everyday is a struggle, and peace seems impossible ,but as long as you are there for him to the best of your abilities that’s all that matters. I am trying to get him to see his therapist more often and I have scheduled to see one myself. I joined this support group because i felt anxious to just feel something else besides hopelessness. Your post is literally the second post i read and I now know talking to others and accepting reality are the key points to move in a positive direction. I will pray for you and your husband and I wish you all the best.

  • tougherthan
    tougherthan Member Posts: 2 Member
    #4

    Same here

    was at five year scan on stage 4 NSC all looked great then small cell out of no where

    i try to be understanding and go to appts to be sure to understand what is happening with his health

    he just shuts down and lashes out at me hateful yelling snaps at simple things no reason

    wont take anti depression meds consistently a bigger issue

    its insulting when everyone else gets talked to with affection and I get nothing even the dog gets more

    its all I can do to just keep myself in check and stop from letting my feelings out as I can’t imagine what it feels like to be in his shoes

    Not sure how to help someone who is emotionally destroying me

  • Hstrout
    Hstrout Member Posts: 4 Member
    #5

    My husband and I nearly spit as well a couple times so far. I am the one sick though I have stage4 lung cancer. This is such a terrifying time for all of us, ofcourse our relationships will suffer. I couldn’t imagine how awful he would be handling this is he had cancer. My guy is always sort of a prick when he isn’t feeling well. Lol. I find myself being jealous that he isn’t the sick one. That he will live and I will not get to enjoy our grandchildren graduate hurts. Facing my own mortality is really devastating, mostly I feel sad for my children and how they will handle my leaving this plane. I don’t imagine my husband really being helpful when the stuff hits the fan, and there is the resentment thing that happens with me. I am in therapy and that has helped, my husband is now too. I hope that things get better for all of us.

    Sincerely

  • supportTeam
    supportTeam Member Posts: 1 *
    #6

    We found out in September that my husband's lung cancer had returned. He had it in 2020 and went through a lobectomy, radiation and chemo. Since September he's been going through chemo.  It has spread to his kidneys and his lymph nodes and its at stage 4. His doctor stopped chemo and started him on Keytruda about 2 weeks ago.  I'm going through a tough time dealing with this. He's always been a strong, good, proud man. Worked hard at everything he did. And now he's weak...doesn't feel good....depressed...pissed off. You name it. And I am doing as much as I can to help him. But sometimes he just doesn't want to admit he NEEDS help...and he gets short and snappy with me when I try. He can be such an **** when he gets that way, and then I get mad...or hurt...and if I say anything or try to talk about it, he trys to turn it around on me. This **** is going to kill us both. Charles spends most of his time sleeping.  When we DO go somewhere (wal mart, etc) he usually stays in the car. And nods off a lot there. He's also having a lot of problems with his hip. He has 'advanced arthritis with a possible infection' according to the MRI. He moves v e r y s l o w l y... and carefully.  Uses a walker or cane pretty much anywhere he is. He has a lot of pain in his chest and legs also. It's so so damn depressing for him and ME. I am watching him deteriorate right in front of me.  And there's nothing I can do to stop it. He's stubborn as hell and is still smoking and that makes me mad and makes me wonder why in the hell are we even going through the chemo & Keytruda!! I'm really going crazy. He's 78, I'm 65...

  • astrongaj
    astrongaj Member Posts: 3 *
    #7
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/325643/my-marriage-is-falling-apart-since-my-husbands-diagnosis

    I’ve heard that the chemo makes them have angry feelings and that they lash out to the ones they are the closest too. Try not to take it personally. I pray you find peace and strength along your journey. Remember that you also have to take care of yourself and it’s ok to ask for help.

  • astrongaj
    astrongaj Member Posts: 3 *
    #8
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1703677#Comment_1703677

    I am so sorry. I feel so bad for you. You are the most important person to him, that’s why it’s you. I don’t know why it’s the ones who are there helping and doing the most that are lashed out at. I do believe they don’t want to hurt us they are just sharing their own hurts and fears. A part of it may be to push those away that they care so much for unintentionally. A way to protect you from the hurt of seeing them and dealing with them go through this. I pray you find peace and strength. The doctors said chemo makes a person angry - I guess like the receptors when someone tries to stop smoking. Praying for you

  • ebailey1056
    ebailey1056 Member Posts: 1 Member
    #9

    My husband of 58 yrs was diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer in April. I am having a difficult time handling this new lifestyle. He seems to be handling things better than I am, I'm struggling with all the appointments,cleaning, paying bills, cooking etc. I find myself making stupid mistakes during the day and then I cry! 9 months ago I had open heart surgery for an Aortic Valve replacement . Am i being irresponsible?😫

  • TonyB2023
    TonyB2023 Member Posts: 20 Member
    #10

    I went through stage 4 throat cancer on my own in 2020. It was harder than the stage 4 nsclc I now contend with. Being a life-long smoker, I also have mild emphysema, besides arthritis, but I can do for myself. Luckily, my ex-wife of 25 years and I reconnected through phone calls and texts during my ordeal with throat cancer and remarried in 2021. She retired from 32 years as an ICU nurse at the end of '21 and has devoted herself to my care. She doesn't let me do anything around the house. When I'd get a little short with her over it, she would give it right back. So I've given in, though I constantly offer my help.

    I think patients that express anger toward others are projecting their self anger. They are unable to accept responsibility for their condition. Sure, some have never smoked, but they are angry about it and can't accept "it is what it is". Men, especially, can feel emasculated having someone do the things they used to do. A little faith, a positive attitude and a grateful spirit is what we have to cultivate. Your loved one has no right to express their anger to you. I would let them know that and fend for themselves if need be. Positivity is a choice. Our emotions are the only thing we can hope to control. They need to see that.

    God bless all caregivers!

    Tony

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