Looking for other spouses in same situation

Wife diagnosed with BC about year and half ago. After 6 months from her last radiation treatment she was diagnosed with BC on the other side. She finished with her treatment last week, chemo and radiation. I was laid off from my job after 20 years in Jan 2023. Was home 2 months before going back to work in March. It was tough, thought I was doing a good job taking care of her while I looked for new employment. We spent too much time together. Now that treatment is over, she is pushing me away. Wants her space. She says she’s been a patient for 2 years and she needs to find herself. Doesn’t want to do much with me. I canceled our trip to Outer Banks because she doesn’t want to do anything with me. I can’t possibly understand what she went thru. And she doesn’t understand what I went thru. She has no emotion towards me. I’m trying to give her space, but afraid if I do I will lose her as my wife. Anybody have experience with this? Any suggestions?

@Lovemywife

Mike…..we are individually speaking to a therapist for the last month or so. I’m learning to manage my anxiety a little better. I suggested marriage counselor, but she declined. She says she needs to work on herself first, which I understand. She says she doesn’t know how to be a normal person because the last 2 years she has been a patient. And, I can’t help her.

@Lovemywife

I sorry to hear about you and your wife, and I pray for you both. You have to take care of yourself first, and it’s a very difficult thing to do. But as men, our instincts tell us to take care of out wives first. I am a happy person, happy with where I am in my life. Just not happy when it come to the current relationship with my wife.

To anybody that will listen to my update….my wife and continue to talk individually to a therapist. Last weekend when I got very angry, and later apologized, at her for not spending time with me. I asked her why she has no emotions toward me, bad or good. She told me she has no emotions about anything, not just me. Nothing makes her happy. And she needs time to work out her feelings about everything. So, I told her I love her and will forever love her and want to be with her forever. And if that means waiting for her to work out her feelings, that I will wait for her. And then we can work on us, or marriage. We talk, about the news, our jobs, our son, and other family members. But rarely about us. I said it before, it’s like having a roommate and not a wife. So now I have to be patient, control my emotions when I hear something I don’t want to hear. The confusion on my part is do I continue to tell her I love her, knowing I will not get a reply? Text her during the work day to say hello, will no reply? Ask her to do things with me, expecting a no answer? Ask her to held my hand, yup answer is no? Snuggle, definitely a no answer? Do I show her affection? I want to show her I still love her even when I know she is struggling. I’m so confused. I’m afraid to do or say the wrong thing give her a setback. You may see this same post on another thread.

You have nothing to apologize for, I asked for opinions. But I suspect you might be right. Found out she was told to stop taking her antidepressant when chemo started this past December, and now post menopausal. I know-a ton of change. Waiting to hear her from doctors about medications, so hopefully that will help a little. We both continue to speak to our therapist, and can tell we are both making progress. I have a very supporting family, and vent to them a lot. Congratulations for 35 years!

I do have an update! Actually a good update. We had a talk Friday night, again she told me she didn’t love me & has felt our marriage on the decline for years. I decided I was going to go stay with my sister cause I can’t deal with staying in he same house because of my anxiety . On Saturday afternoon when I can home from work, she said she was leaving to meet friends for lunch. I told her “good”, because she was leaving. Well, it sparked another conversation. I told her I felt that she kept me around was leading me on, then when she got cancer I felt she used me so she wouldn’t be alone during her cancer fight. She asked me what I wanted to do. Suggested a “separation”, but one that we would still talk a couple times a week and see each other once a week. Also, work out our difference. She said she would think about it and let me know. Well, this morning I told her I was leaving for my sisters, even if she didn’t have a decision about the “separation”. Then, to my surprise, she told me she would agree to the “separation”. Then…she said we need to find a marriage counselor to talk to in person. I almost crapped my pants! She suggested the counselor, I never did! So we’re making progress. This is what I wanted to do from the get go! I know this doesn’t mean my marriage is saved, but at least I know that we will try. As long as she takes it seriously

Bayoubill, I sorry you’re going through the same thing. It is really hard and agonizing. And stressful. Be patient, calm, control your emotions, and be a good listener. Most importantly, you have to take care of yourself first. Find a hobby, I walk everyday. I spend more time with my siblings. And I began to read, and I always hated reading. Good luck to you. Keep me updated on you situation.