Looking for other spouses in same situation

Lovemywife

My wife was diagnosed with stage four BC over a year ago . She has been on Ibrance, monthly hormone treatments and xgeva every three to four months . The treatments so for are working.

Would like to have an online discussion with any spouses who are caregivers to their wives and how they are dealing with all issues concerning their wives and themselves.

LostMikey

Wife diagnosed with BC about year and half ago. After 6 months from her last radiation treatment she was diagnosed with BC on the other side. She finished with her treatment last week, chemo and radiation. I was laid off from my job after 20 years in Jan 2023. Was home 2 months before going back to work in March. It was tough, thought I was doing a good job taking care of her while I looked for new employment. We spent too much time together. Now that treatment is over, she is pushing me away. Wants her space. She says she’s been a patient for 2 years and she needs to find herself. Doesn’t want to do much with me. I canceled our trip to Outer Banks because she doesn’t want to do anything with me. I can’t possibly understand what she went thru. And she doesn’t understand what I went thru. She has no emotion towards me. I’m trying to give her space, but afraid if I do I will lose her as my wife. Anybody have experience with this? Any suggestions?

Lovemywife

LostMikey,

As a caretaker for my wife also for about a year and a half , I know there are so many emotions of fear, anxiety and depression for us caretakers and for our loved ones who are suffering with cancer .

Has your wife seek any cancer support groups ? Maybe suggesting a marriage counselor or some professional therapist to see what the underline issues are.

Im also a “Mike”

LostMikey

@Lovemywife

Mike…..we are individually speaking to a therapist for the last month or so. I’m learning to manage my anxiety a little better. I suggested marriage counselor, but she declined. She says she needs to work on herself first, which I understand. She says she doesn’t know how to be a normal person because the last 2 years she has been a patient. And, I can’t help her.

Lovemywife

LostMikey,

Thats good that you are both at least seeing a therapist individually . I see my GP every six months and she tells me I have to also take care of myself physically and mentally.

One of the saddest things my wife said was that she feels like she is disappearing. We skip a lot of family gatherings and events due to her being high risk from her treatments.

Hoping for the best for you and your wife .

LostMikey

@Lovemywife

I sorry to hear about you and your wife, and I pray for you both. You have to take care of yourself first, and it’s a very difficult thing to do. But as men, our instincts tell us to take care of out wives first. I am a happy person, happy with where I am in my life. Just not happy when it come to the current relationship with my wife.

Lovemywife

LostMikey

I also went through with cancer over ten years ago, I was lucky to catch it early. I was introduced to the term “ the new normal”. Being diagnosed with cancer and then going through surgery and then dealing with the side effects ( physically and emotionally).

I hope your wife finds peace and healing and you come back and tell me you guys are in a good place.

….also learned two other phrases from a friend who had cancer.

“ live the sh!t out of life”

” everyday is a bonus”

LostMikey

To anybody that will listen to my update….my wife and continue to talk individually to a therapist. Last weekend when I got very angry, and later apologized, at her for not spending time with me. I asked her why she has no emotions toward me, bad or good. She told me she has no emotions about anything, not just me. Nothing makes her happy. And she needs time to work out her feelings about everything. So, I told her I love her and will forever love her and want to be with her forever. And if that means waiting for her to work out her feelings, that I will wait for her. And then we can work on us, or marriage. We talk, about the news, our jobs, our son, and other family members. But rarely about us. I said it before, it’s like having a roommate and not a wife. So now I have to be patient, control my emotions when I hear something I don’t want to hear. The confusion on my part is do I continue to tell her I love her, knowing I will not get a reply? Text her during the work day to say hello, will no reply? Ask her to do things with me, expecting a no answer? Ask her to held my hand, yup answer is no? Snuggle, definitely a no answer? Do I show her affection? I want to show her I still love her even when I know she is struggling. I’m so confused. I’m afraid to do or say the wrong thing give her a setback. You may see this same post on another thread.

Lovemywife

LostMikey,

I hear your pain . I’m not a therapist or doctor, just a retired laborer who has been with my wife for over 35 years. I apologize if I say anything stupid but sounds like your wife might be clinically depressed and is having a hard time dealing with the cancer diagnosis/treatments.

As I read through different post on this board and other forums for family caregivers and being one too , I see the emotional fatigue and frustration , anxiety, depression etc.

I can see the love you have for your wife. Please keep seeing a therapist and talk to family and friends and keep venting ( that’s what these forums are for ).

Mike

LostMikey

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706777#Comment_1706777

You have nothing to apologize for, I asked for opinions. But I suspect you might be right. Found out she was told to stop taking her antidepressant when chemo started this past December, and now post menopausal. I know-a ton of change. Waiting to hear her from doctors about medications, so hopefully that will help a little. We both continue to speak to our therapist, and can tell we are both making progress. I have a very supporting family, and vent to them a lot. Congratulations for 35 years!

LostMikey

New update… My wife left for her sister on July 4th. She said for 2 weeks. She said she loves me but not in love with me. Wants me be to be with somebody who can make me happy. Also said we have nothing in common, and has felt like this for about 1 year. 1 year! Why jus saying something now? Gave no answer. Asked her to see marriage counselor, she said cause it isn’t gonna help. So I asked her if she is out, and if it’s over without a fight. She said most likely. Couple hours we talked again. I asked her how she can make a decision that our marriage is over, when she has repeatedly told me she doesn’t know what makes her happy, and she doesn’t know her self worth, she doesn’t know her place. Then she denied saying it was over. She said I was too “lovey”, it’s too much. Told her therapist and family suggested that I continue to show her love, and continue to show my support. Don’t stop telling her “I love you”, don’t stop giving her a kiss or a hug. So confused…and so lost. So hurt.

Lovemywife

LostMikey,

I am sorry for the emotional pain you are going through.

Mike

bayoubilly

This is so sad. I am sorry for you. I hope you are ok today. I am going through the same. Do you have any updates if your heart can express

LostMikey

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1707616#Comment_1707616

I do have an update! Actually a good update. We had a talk Friday night, again she told me she didn’t love me & has felt our marriage on the decline for years. I decided I was going to go stay with my sister cause I can’t deal with staying in he same house because of my anxiety . On Saturday afternoon when I can home from work, she said she was leaving to meet friends for lunch. I told her “good”, because she was leaving. Well, it sparked another conversation. I told her I felt that she kept me around was leading me on, then when she got cancer I felt she used me so she wouldn’t be alone during her cancer fight. She asked me what I wanted to do. Suggested a “separation”, but one that we would still talk a couple times a week and see each other once a week. Also, work out our difference. She said she would think about it and let me know. Well, this morning I told her I was leaving for my sisters, even if she didn’t have a decision about the “separation”. Then, to my surprise, she told me she would agree to the “separation”. Then…she said we need to find a marriage counselor to talk to in person. I almost crapped my pants! She suggested the counselor, I never did! So we’re making progress. This is what I wanted to do from the get go! I know this doesn’t mean my marriage is saved, but at least I know that we will try. As long as she takes it seriously

Bayoubill, I sorry you’re going through the same thing. It is really hard and agonizing. And stressful. Be patient, calm, control your emotions, and be a good listener. Most importantly, you have to take care of yourself first. Find a hobby, I walk everyday. I spend more time with my siblings. And I began to read, and I always hated reading. Good luck to you. Keep me updated on you situation.

bayoubilly

Yea it seems you guys are communicating in some sort. I had a psychologist tell me in the past that people communicate just not in the way we would like. Also are they in a position where their past trauma has been removed? The past trauma rears its head and the negative thoughts appear and it’s our face placed on all of the trauma.

she has not said she doesn’t love me, or she’s moving out or divorce. She took the special mementos that she gave me around the house and hid them in other places. She’s a hider. She takes items like a journal I wrote in for her, cards, photos and wants me to beg her about them. Since cancer patients lose control she wants to gain it back by controlling me. She wants to control when we talk or not. She told our family that I was a narcissist and I need to be put on blast. She refused to let me go to her appointments. I don’t know what happened to initiate this.