Coping with my dad’s decline

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of it, or what I want to hear. Or if there’s anything anyone can say to make me feel anything other than the immense grief that I already feel. 

My dad (53) has stage 4 Renal Cell Carcinoma. His diagnosis was sudden- he went into the doctor for knee pain two years ago, and RCC was the outcome. 

At first everything as going great though! His body was responding well to the treatment; the cancer somehow hadn’t even managed to invade his organs. But here we are two years later, and he can barely even talk, let alone move on his own. I’m told that most of his problems aren’t even due to the cancer- just side effects of the treatment (mostly the steroids) But what’s the point of a treatment that takes everything worth living for away? 

I’m a daddy’s girl through and through. I was his mini me from the day I was born. Everything I am is because he’s him. He’s my best friend. He’s who I called with my problems. He’s who I knew would always take care of me. But now he can’t take care of himself. 

I’m watching his decline mostly from a distance (I moved a few states away from my family five years ago). I get updates from my sister almost every day. Never anything good anymore. To make matters even more heartbreaking, my sister is expecting her first child (my dad’s first biological grandchild) next month, and cancer has taken away his ability to even be excited about it. Which is hard for my sister to cope with, and I’m sure him too.

A year before my dad was diagnosed wit RCC, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was operable and benign (thank god) but there for awhile, things were real rough. I thought I was going to lose her. She completely lost the ability to take care of herself. Watching my dad go through the same thing now, and knowing that this might be his new normal is absolutely beyond words devastating. 

Again, I don’t know why I’m posting this. Just to air my grievances with the universe, I guess. Is he dying? Am I losing him? Or is this a bump in the road? It’s just so unfair. I wish I could take away his pain. 

I just want my dad back.