Coping with my dad’s decline

honeybear19 Member Posts: 1 *
edited February 2023 in Kidney Cancer #1

I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I don’t know what I’m trying to get out of it, or what I want to hear. Or if there’s anything anyone can say to make me feel anything other than the immense grief that I already feel. 

My dad (53) has stage 4 Renal Cell Carcinoma. His diagnosis was sudden- he went into the doctor for knee pain two years ago, and RCC was the outcome. 

At first everything as going great though! His body was responding well to the treatment; the cancer somehow hadn’t even managed to invade his organs. But here we are two years later, and he can barely even talk, let alone move on his own. I’m told that most of his problems aren’t even due to the cancer- just side effects of the treatment (mostly the steroids) But what’s the point of a treatment that takes everything worth living for away? 

I’m a daddy’s girl through and through. I was his mini me from the day I was born. Everything I am is because he’s him. He’s my best friend. He’s who I called with my problems. He’s who I knew would always take care of me. But now he can’t take care of himself. 

I’m watching his decline mostly from a distance (I moved a few states away from my family five years ago). I get updates from my sister almost every day. Never anything good anymore. To make matters even more heartbreaking, my sister is expecting her first child (my dad’s first biological grandchild) next month, and cancer has taken away his ability to even be excited about it. Which is hard for my sister to cope with, and I’m sure him too.

A year before my dad was diagnosed wit RCC, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was operable and benign (thank god) but there for awhile, things were real rough. I thought I was going to lose her. She completely lost the ability to take care of herself. Watching my dad go through the same thing now, and knowing that this might be his new normal is absolutely beyond words devastating. 

Again, I don’t know why I’m posting this. Just to air my grievances with the universe, I guess. Is he dying? Am I losing him? Or is this a bump in the road? It’s just so unfair. I wish I could take away his pain. 

I just want my dad back.


  • Mmoses25
    Mmoses25 Member Posts: 321 Member
    edited February 2023 #2

    You need to get a cancer specialist you can go to smart patient .com there they can help you a lot more I’m so sorry your going thru this your in my prayers

  • Deanie0916
    Deanie0916 Member Posts: 616 Member

    Honeybear19 so so sorry you and your family are going through this. This is the right place to vent and scream about it, we can understand your feelings. It is an difficult choice for your dad to make between therapy that has so many debilitating side effects but will kill the cancer. It is a choice many have to make between quality of life vs. quantity of days. I agree with Moses, there are many folks on smart patients who are dealing with stage 4 who might have better input. They'll want you to complete a profile on your dad's diagnosis and treatment so far. All the best to you. Praying for your hurting ❤️.

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 1,063 Member

    Hugs to you, so sorry for all this.

    But you've received great advice - go to smart.patients and ask for advise there. There are different treatment options avbl today.

    Taking into account that dad's decline is not due to cancer itself, there is a chance to change smth and improve things!