New here and so afraid

Hi ladies. New here. Saying ladies because it was a safe bet being ovarian cancer. If I am wrong, my apologies & “Hi ladies & gents”. That being said, I was reading what y’all wrote and feeling so bad for u both. I am Lisa, Ovarian cancer stage IVa, born in 75, married since 99’, no kids or previous health issues. Dx: 6/8/20. I thought Maybe I was constipated, was about a week or two and I was finishing up all the over the counter meds that I could get in May of 2020 during COVID, most businesses were closed, including the Non-profit company that employed me over the past 8 years. No pain or signs at all. I was 5’4 @ 135-140lbs, had been for 20 years. I looked about 6 months pregnant & could no longer bend over or get comfortable. I was too afraid to go sooner because I had never been sick or been to a hospital for myself, but we couldn’t ignore it not going away so hubby drove us to the hospital. It was eerie how quiet it was. The ER DR. did a scan and some blood tests and then came back to my curtain area. He was gruff and almost impatient. He said it looks like stomach cancer that has spread & that I needed to contact my family and start making arrangements, as he closed a file clip board & waltzed out. My husband sank to the floor and every ounce of air I had inside me began to burn and my face felt like hot coals. I screamed for him to come back, I shakily said he had better have someone else for me to talk with and that his bedside manner was comparative to Hitler. It still traumatizes me to think of that happening to someone else going through what we r. I eventually was able to wrap my head around the difference in type of Dr. an ER Dr. is. And luckily, the oncology department was prepared for someone like me & there is where I met my oncologist and her amazing team? I apologize for this novel I’m writing. It got worse before it got better but I’m proof it can get better. I’m not saying any part of my life went back to normal or that I don’t wake up terrified or sad at times, or that I have been given any more time on this earth than someone who hasn’t gone through this. That woman I was, no matter how far back or hard I try to look back, she is gone. I liked her for the first time in my life too. Didn’t even get to say goodbye.

I’m just saying you can do this. Actually ladies, you have to. U have families so u just need to look at this as u dont have a choice😊My CA-125 was over 1078.0 on 6/8/20 & is now holding between 14 & 23. So many things happened between then & now. Kicked into early menopause, full hysterectomy, collapsed lung, an ileostomy I now call Gabby, surgeries, memory loss, being fired due to getting sick, I lost all my hair, everywhere, weighed 63lbs at my lowest, couldn’t eat, could no longer walk or maintain myself, I looked like a mix of Denise the Menace and Gollum from lord of the rings, my family was thousands of miles away🙄all but one or two of our lifelong friends faded away or just disappeared, I made new friends through cancer support groups, but lost some of those new friends, my father in law, my best friends father, & myself were all doing chemo at the same time… they both passed within a few months of one another. It was painful for us all to b around each other for awhile, which was very lonely. My guilt still sneaks up on me. So hubby & I both lost a parent 4 days apart from one another & Drs.orders that traveling for the funerals was not an option at that time. Too many things to continue listing. It was so difficult not sinking into a dark hole.Please think positive. I truly believe that is 80%of why I am still here. I refused to except anything I was told or read. I’m the only person that knows me 100% & knows what I’m capable of, regardless of statistics! Don’t ask yourself what ur going to do. Don’t ask how ur going to do it. None of it matters cause there is no other option but to kick cancers ****, as many times as u have to. There is no other option!

With love, courage, hope, compassion, understanding, & peace,

LuuDove