I'm back and still fighting

Okay, I stopped coming on here because things had become so bad for me that I felt I wasn't able to offer any positive support or help. My cancer had spread to my other lung, my liver, and it's also in my bowel again. They'd removed some from my bowel in September during the surgery for the 3 fistulas I had. I was sick every day, depleted. weak, could barely walk to the kitchen from the bedroom, and was just depressed and fed up. I was shaky, would almost pass out if I stood up too fast, couldn't do anything for myself. How could I be positive for others when it had finally gotten me? 

I went back on the chemo that's done something to me every time I'd tried it. I'm supposed to have 6 rounds but the most I'd managed was 4. It put me in the hospiatl the last time and I'd never fully recovered from the sepsis in over a year. I was scared but it was my only option. It's Panitumumab, an immunotherapy treatment that's not actually a chemo. Instead of going in and killing a bunch of cells with the hope that it gets enough cancer cells, like chemo, and making the person open to any bacteria because it reduces the body's ability to fight, this targets the cancer and tells the body to go after it. I'm sure most of you know that the problem with cancer is that the body doesn't recognise it as an issue, it doesn't fight it on it's own, it doesn't know that it's bad. So it just let's it grow. This stuff tells my body to kill it. It's supposed to be the future of cancer treatment. But it's not for everyone, for some it's ineffective. My tumour was tested. I don't know if this happens with everyone but where I live the tumours are kept at a facility for future testing, if needed.

The downside of this treatment is that the chemical or whatever is in the tumours that the treatment identifies is also in the skin of the face, scalp, and torso. In the past my face has been a mess. It also goes after other soft tissues like the crotch, behind the knees, areas like that. This time it's been much less of a reaction. My back is like sandpaper, it's so dry, and has the rash. So does my chest and upper abdomen as well as my shoulders. My face has some bumps and the skin looks rough but it's not embarassing to go out anywhere. It's on myscalp, too, but who sees that? 

I know they cut back on the dosage I get because I losy 50 pounds when I was so sick, maybe that's why it's not bad this time? No idea. I was a little worried because it's not bad on my face and the rash indicates how well it's working. But- my original CEA was 57, after the first treatment it went down to 44, and after two it went down to 27. Iv'e had a third one since and will find out next week what it's fone down to. I have to have magnesium with every treatment because it's making that low which apparently can be a side effect of it.

Here's the thing. I'm finally feeling stronger. The week before last I had a really bad day, throwing up, so weak, just sick of it all and fighting so hard. That night, right before I woke up I had a dream that I was normal. When I woke up I still felt it. Then I realized and started crying. Once I got that out I had an epiphany. Everyone says I'm so tough and so strong. I felt like I was, too. But I suddenlt realized that while I put up with the treatments, I'm just waiting to get better. I'm not really doing anything about it myself, just followiing the program. I resolved that morning to get myself better. My whole way of thinking changed. I started exercising. Not much at all, I'm terribly deconditioned, but I did what I could. I got out of bed and started looing after myself as much as possible, which was exhausting, getting a drink made me short of breath. But in my mind I was going to get better. I could feel it and I miss it so much. Just walking somewhere by myself. Being independent. Now, a couple of weeks later I'm a little better physically and mentally I'm superwoman. I plan to beat this $hit, not lie around hoping I beat it.

I will ride my horse, I will drive my car, I will go to the store by myself, I will have a life for whatever amount of time I have left. My doctors are amazed at how much energy I have now. My forst chemo treatment my husband had to take me in a wheelchair and I could barely get up the steps in our home when we got back. The second treatment I walked but I was slow and wobbly. The third treatment I walked briskly to the treatment area and joked with another patient. I'm feeling awesome. I made dinner the other night and cleaned up afterwards. There's so mcu more I am able to do.

I do think the magnesium helps but I also think I've just changed my way of thinking and am being proactive, not a victim. I loathe being a victim of anything and hate being weak and having people pity me. I'm now excited about the future! It's been a year and a half since I've felt this way!

If you've read all of this, kudos to you! I can be quite a babbler. But I'm so excited and I want whoever is reading this to know that they can do it, too, if they're feeling down. And to explain my absence from the forum for so long. I want all of us to be healthy and well but if that's not possible I want all of us to at least enjoy what time we have left. Even if cancer eventually takes us, it should not take our lives until that time. I've also seen some positive things about potential cancer treatments lately. Cheers to all of us for being the fighters we are! We rock!

Love and hugs!

Jan