Newly diagnosed and unable to cope

Your situation sounds dire, but it is also puzzling.  Colon cancer is slow-growing and generally takes about ten years to develop to a crisis level.  CT scans are not completely reliable.  After my surgery, they saw what might be a large tumor on my CT scan.  It led to many sleepless nights.  There was also the possibility it was digestive matter.  Finally, after six weeks I was able to get a follow-up colonoscopy and there was no tumor.  All of the anxiety was simply over a mis-read CT scan.

Some on this forum find meditation a useful tool.  You do not even need to read a book.  Simply slow down and take three conscious breaths.  If you do get to the point you can read, try "You are Here."

Sorry you are here, but I think there may be cause for you to request additional information from your physicians before you conclude the worst is happening.

manapart said:

Thank you so much for replying...

Ive taking a hundred deep breaths. Intinally when they spoke with me I was inudated with just morbid and negative news about the severity of it all and that i may only have 3-8 months to live. I feel its very uncompassionate to be giving out that information and statistic like jus a hour before I was told I have cancer. I would have requested not to know what stage or any prognosis. Just tell me what I need to do to give myself the best possible chance for a cure or remission. There was no talk of that, just basically maybe this and maybe that and theres no cure. At one point with my mother sitting at bedsisde sobbing i yelled for them to just give us privacy for a minute.

My last CT scan was 4 years ago and it was clear, the colonoscopy was i think 6-7 months ago, and was clear. How two tumors grew the size of meatballs and spread to other organs in that short of time even surprised them. I must just be the most snakebitten unluckiest person ever. 

Im hearing the worse part of cancer isnt even the cancer, its the chemo. So im worried about that as well and even how i will be able to afford it with no insurance and i definitely will lose my job soon. 

I will try You are Here, thank you for the recommendations. I will know more(bad news) next week after a colonoscopy and biopsy. So hopefully it will at least be operatable, if not then i know what that means. And there is nothing more profoundly difficult than to think about the end. 

Mortality is reality for all living things.  It is just that a cancer diagnosis makes it all the more real.  Perhaps you are getting a bit ahead of yourself and you should wait for the new colonoscopy and biopsy before drawing any conclusions.  And there are a lot of hours to live life between now and then.

If you live in the US, there is always a way to pay for health care.  Talk to the social worker or financial aid person at the hospital.  They likely can help.

Good luck to you.

So sorry you had reason to find us, but this forum is known for its helpful and compassionate folks.

Some additional info would be helpful...do you live in the USA?  If so, what state?  This might help folks to give you more specific info.

Also if in the USA, you might want to contact the closest American Cancer Society office to see what resources they can either help you with or guide you to.

You mention that you have panic and anxiety and PTSD, I assume from before diagnosis, are you being treated for these conditions?  Even under the best of circumstances, these conditions are nearly impossible to overcome by yourself.

A cancer diagnosis is daunting for anyone and sometimes more so for those who care about us.  It is possible to survive cancer, but it requires work and a positive attitude.  Regardless of how many days, months, years you have left, don't let cancer take all the joy from you.  Every day is a gift, even the bad ones.

Stay in touch and the folks here will try to help you with the cancer related issues.

Marie who loves kitties

manapart said:

info

I live in Memphis TN, which has very strict laws on mediaid and other finacial means for treatment. Im honestly not sure what I would be willing to do even if I could afford it. Surgery and radiation would be fine but chemo i would need time to think about. My anxiety disorder makes everything worse. I have withdrawn from everyone. Im just emotionally paralyzed. Maybe itll wear off in a couple weeks, maybe itll get worse. I want so badly to apply what you are encouraging, that even if i only had days left to enjoy them, but at this moment i find it impossible cos of how much fear and panic im experiencing. How do you find peace knowing the gift of life is being ripped away. 

Thanks for adding info.  I too had no medical insurance when diagnosed.  While I live in VA, I was able to get financial assistance for medical costs. 

First of all, be up front with all medical providers regarding your financial situation.  Many will work with you and not turn you away.  My hospital is a non-profit and was able to get me a federal grant for their costs.  As it turned out, my surgeon was also attached to hospital so his costs were covered as well.  This was not Medicaid or any other long term assistance.

You didn't mention if you were being treated for the anxiety disorder.  You definately need to find a doctor to help you with that since it sounds like you are in a particularly bad situation.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make up your mind to do what you can to make the best of what you have.  You have to be willing to put one foot forward every day.  You are right, life is a gift.  It is one most folks take for granted...it has always been there and will be until we are old and grey.  We are all mortal.  Today is the time we have.  If you squander today you can never get it back.

Fight is what we all have to do.  I have read so many times here about folks who refuse to let cancer take their joy of living from them, regardless of what time they have left.  If you give up, withdraw, whatever, you are letting cancer have more control of your life than it has to have.  You are the only one who can keep that from happening.

Don't go looking for statistics or such on the internet.  You are not a statistic.  Each person is unique and what works or doesn't work for one may have the opposite effect for another.

Fear and anxiety can cloud your judgement.  That is why, now more than ever, you need to get help to overcome them.

Wishing you the best,

Marie who loves kitties

I'm so sorry for your diagnosis. I'm forty-two and was diagnosed with a large tumor about  a week ago. This may be difficult but the trick to coping is to accept what you can not change. None of us on this board can wave a magic wand and make our cancer go away so the best thing we can do is accept that is is there and that we have no control over that. Two weeks ago I was going to work and discussing with my girlfriend if we wanted to move from this area of the country. Today I am on disability through my employer and facing chemo and radiation treatments. As the old insurance commericals used to say "Life comes at you fast."

If you can, take a deep breath and try to steady your nerves. Facing a serious illness takes a level head and if your anxiety is up it makes it that much more difficult. I would avoid watching videos about cancer patients for the time being as that may make things worse for your anxiety. Take it one step at a time and do not overwhelm yourself. For instance as of right now I have a PET scan coming up in a few days. I'm not worrying myself with what comes after that I'm just going to go for the scan and then when they tell me I will show up for the next medical procedure. Looking too far ahead can be overwhelming.

Not to sound morbid but cancer could take us and we don't know if we will die but neither does anyone else. No one knows what will happen to them on any given day. A perfectly healthy adult could be struck by lightening. The reason I mention this is to let us all know that in that respect we are no different from anyone else. We live our lives day to day like the next person. You can handle this don't underestimate yourself.

If you can find a mental health therapist they can help with the anxiety. I wish you the best of luck. I know you can do this.

Christy

One thing I would suggest is that you get on disability, probably SSDI, and get yourself qualified for Medicaid. That will give you income and Medicaid will be your health insurance. That way you can get the treatment you need and the income you need so that you can focus on getting well and not worry about money. I hope this helps.

Sorry you had to join this group but I'm so glad that you found us, especially with your anxiety levels, no one to talk to and recent diagnosis.  We are a great group here to help you get through this.  You've gotten some advice on how to get some medical help for free above so try that first.  After next week's appointment let us know how it goes.  Chemo and radiation are doable believe it or not.  We all react different but if you feel sick, they have something for you, if you feel tired then you rest, if you feel down then you have us to lean on.  You can get through this and we can help.  Wishing you the best and welcome to the boards.

Kim